Local Authority say "yes"! - funding for therapy approved

We received an email from Robbie's local authority this afternoon confirming that the funding for therapy has been approved. We weren't expecting such a quick answer after CAMHS said "no", and are absolutely delighted with these news. We have to wait for an official letter to arrive and then we'll have to make arrangements with the agency that's providing the therapy. We don't know what their availability is like, but now that we know that the therapy will go ahead and we don't have to make a charity appeal or get a second mortgage we don't mind waiting.

It's such a relief. I didn't realise how much this was weighing on my shoulders until now. I've been walking on air all evening, full of hope that this is the way forward and together with the therapists we can work at addressing the issues that have been affecting our family.

I want to thank you all for the support, encouragement and suggestions you have given us during this time. It means so much.

CAMHS says "no"

Glen took a call from the assistant clinical director at our local CAMHS. They're not going to take Robbie on. Basically the way that Robbie's local authority requested help from them was by indicating that the report from the agency that carried out Robbie's assessment claimed that he may have mental problems in the future if his issues are not addressed. CAMHS's point is that they only deal with current mental health problems, not future ones. 

This, in my opinion, is a weak point: Robbie has issues with self-esteem and violence right now and they're glossing over that. But there is a good side to this rejection. The person Glen spoke to basically said that she suspects that the whole referral process was a way for Robbie's local authority to pass the cost of therapy on to someone else. She also said that local authorities are often required to try a referral to CAMHS before authorising payments for private therapy, so this whole thing may have been a box ticking exercise. 

CAMHS will notify Robbie's local authority of their decision tomorrow. We'll see what they have to say. We're feeling more hopeful, although if they say "no" anyway we've burnt our bridges with CAMHS to a certain extent. 

With this latest development, I've not needed to use (so far) the excellent argument that Kate Oliver gives at her help4family blog (big thank you to Mark at Geek.Gay.Dad for the link). Basically her point is that when dealing with children who have both trauma and attachment issues you need a therapist that knows about both. The recent experience of other adopters (see here) suggests that CAMHS may be experienced at trauma, but not attachment. 

I'm going to wait for Robbie's local authority to get in touch with us. If they don't, then I'll ring them next week. Keep those fingers crossed for us!

CAMHS referral

Last week I went to our GP and asked her to refer Robbie to CAMHS, as his local authority requested. Our GP knows about the troubles we've been having and agreed. I felt like a complete traitor to Robbie. I know this is what we have to do to get the he we need, but because this will go on his medical records forever it felt like I was "branding" him or worse, having him sectioned in some way. Other things we've done, like the attachment counselling or the private agency assessment don't leave an official record. This does.

The doctor suggested we make our own referral as parents too, as that way the referral is coming from two places. Glen got in touch with CAMHS. They asked to see the report from the assessment by the post-adoption agency and Glen dropped it off at their offices. If he was reluctant to go to CAMHS before, after he came back he was positively discouraged.

On the plus side, based on their conversations with Glen, CAMHS indicated that they thought they wouldn't be the best option for Robbie. If after reading the report they still think that way and if they convey that to Robbie's local authority, then maybe there is hope that we may get the funding for the private agency. A few too many "ifs" for my liking, but hope all the same.

Wedding anniversary and my thoughts on gay marriage

Glen and I have been together for over 16 years now, and this weekend was our fifth wedding anniversary. Given the currency of the topic as it's on the political agenda, allow me to stray off the adoption / parenthood topic for a moment. I repeat: it's our wedding anniversary. We are not civil partnered, we are married. Glen is my husband and I am his husband. This is because we got married in Spain, where gay marriage is legal. Now, if Spain can have gay marriage and disregard the opinion of the (loud, old-fashioned, prejudiced and omnipresent) church, what's stopping the UK? Yes, six years ago when the law was passed Spain had the same debates, with people going on about the word "marriage" referring to a union between a man and a woman. There was also the whole thing about family values, the definition of "family" etc. Some gay people theorised how getting married meant conforming to a heterosexual definition of family and how it went against gay identity, blah blah blah. In the end the law was passed. Some gay and lesbian couples chose to get married and others didn't. End of story. To me, being married represents equality. If gay and lesbian people are not to be discriminated against, then the same laws should apply to us. To me, having civil partnerships is like having special seats on the bus. How very apartheid: "yes, you can sit on the bus but only in your special section, lest we have to sit with you". It feels like they're saying "yes, you can be joined in partnership in the eyes of the law but we'll call it something else. That way it's not quite the same, lest one of your unions be confused with one of our ours".

Anyhow, forgive the digression. I'll get off my soap box now. Robbie was lovely about our anniversary. He didn't try to sabotage it or seem to mind that we were celebrating something that meant he wasn't the centre of attention. He gave us two cards, one he'd bought with Glen and a lovely one that he'd made. We in turn included him in the celebrations and took him out to dinner with us. Not because we felt we had to, but because we wanted to. Our wedding represented the start of our family and he's one third of our family now.

Memories of the flood come flooding back - is it time to move?

The weather was awful last weekend. It absolutely poured with rain non-stop, and the wind was very strong too. We didn't think much of it until Robbie's bedtime on Sunday. As I was reading him his bedtime story, I looked up and noticed four separate watermarks on the ceiling. Glen and Robbie followed my gaze and the three of us just stared at the ceiling in silence for a few seconds. All of us, I guess, dreading the thought of another flood in the house. Then we all sprang into action to check whether there was anything wrong with the pipes in the attic. We couldn't hear any running water or see any obvious sources for the water damage. We checked the rest of the ceilings in the house and found another large watermark in my study. After ascertaining that they were no longer wet or dripping, we tried to settle Robbie back into bed. 

I realised that if I was worried about another flood, Robbie must have been panicking. I explained to him that water had probably got in somehow because of the huge amount of rain and the fact that the wind was blowing it against the walls. I reassured him that the ceilings wouldn't be falling down and we wouldn't have to move out like the last time. Glen said the same. Robbie seemed unsure (we probably didn't sound very convincing, as we weren't too sure ourselves of what was happening) but he took our word for it and went to sleep. 

As soon as we'd left him in his room, Glen started trawling the local estate agents' websites looking for a new house. Ever since the big flood last year, we've had a bit of a strange feeling about this house. We love it and so does Robbie. It's in a nice area and the neighbours are great, but we keep wondering what's going to go wrong next. The watermarks were the final straw for Glen. 

After a couple of hours I managed to convince him that we needn't look for a house straight away. The housing market's a nightmare at the moment, and we're in no hurry. We also need to take Robbie's feelings into account. Glen wasn't convinced. As it happened, the following morning Robbie suggested that maybe we should move, so he's obviously anxious about the house too. We've had a plumber round to have a look and he thinks it was nothing to do with the pipes, but the rain coming in somehow. We've arranged for someone to come and have a look at the gutters and roof (I got up there on Monday afternoon and there was nothing glaringly wrong to my untrained eyes) in a couple of weeks' time. We'll see.