Everybody hurts

We flew back from Spain last Friday. On Saturday morning, Robbie moaned about how boring our house was compared to my brother's, where he has his cousins to play with. I played with him for a good hour and then started to unpack our suitcase. When I asked Robbie to put away the toys he got from the Three Wise Men in Spain, he got cross. I gave him a warning but it didn't make any difference, and so I asked him to sit on the sofa for 8 minutes. Robbie lost it and lashed out. What followed was a whole hour of rage. When I finally managed to calm him down enough to talk to him, I embraced him and told him that our problem is that he believes that I hate him; that's why he takes every request to do something like tidy up his toys as a provocation and proof of my hatred towards him. He sobbed and said that he really wants to love me, but he just can't. I said I understood: that I realised that he felt that the two adults he'd loved and trusted most, his birth mother and his foster carer, had let him down and let him go, so it must be so hard to trust me. He hugged me really tight and the mood changed. He was fine for the rest of the day on Saturday and we had a very nice Sunday too, playing board games and watching a film together.

Monday was ok too, but when I got home from work on Tuesday, Robbie and Glen were in the middle of a fight. Robbie had got his homework, and he claimed he couldn't do it. Glen had spent the previous hour trying to help him, but Robbie wouldn't do it. I tried to help and straight away could see that the homework was way below Robbie's standards and something he could easily do if he wanted to. I distracted him by getting him to do his reading instead, but when I tried to get him to engage with his homework afterwards, I got nowhere fast.

Glen went away on a work trip on Tuesday night, so Robbie and I were on our own on Wednesday. He hadn't forgotten about the homework issue and almost as soon as he woke up, he got angry again. I suggested asking his teacher for help, and he almost became hysterical. He knew that both his teacher and I knew that his homework was perfectly within his capabilities, and he didn't want that. In the evening the whole thing started again, but this time I'd decided that I didn't want a fight. I told him to put his homework away and read instead. I then picked up a book and started reading too. Robbie couldn't take the lack of attention and started on me. He first covered the pages of my book with his hands, and then tried to take it off me. I told him to leave me be and get on with what he had to do, and he threatened to hit me. I turned my back to him and he began to poke me in the face with his finger. I asked him to stop, and he started doing it harder. I did my best to ignore him, and he kept on, harder each time. I turned around and tried to stop him, but as I did so he fell backwards and accused me of trying to hurt him. He started to kick me repeatedly. I tried to walk away but he followed me wherever I went. In the end I locked myself in the bathroom while he pounded on the door for what seemed like ages.

Eventually he stopped and I came out. I tried to get him into his pyjamas and put him to bed, but he started kicking me again, claiming I was hurting him. He scratched and pinched me. Finally, I got him into his bed and kissed him goodnight. Robbie asked me if I hate him. I said I didn't. He replied he hates me. I said I knew he doesn't and left him to it, unwilling to engage in any more conversation that could lead to another flare up. Later, he got up again and said he was sorry. I said I knew. I told him he must never hit again. He said I've told him that before and he still did it. I repeated that he mustn't hit again. He asked what would happen if he ever hits again, and I repeated one more time that he mustn't hit again, gave him a hug and sent him to bed. I was in despair. I felt like a victim of bullying and domestic violence and when Glen walked in from his trip I broke down in tears.

The following morning I stayed in bed while Glen got Robbie ready for school. He asked him about the previous night's events. Robbie said he knows that he's going to be sent away from our home and he knows that I'll do it one day when Glen is not around. Glen replied that that's not the case, he is wanted in our home and no-one will change that, no matter what he does to try to make it happen.

I spent the morning trying to arrange some post-adoption support from Robbie's placing authority. They've agreed to arrange a meeting to reassess his needs. I made myself scarce after school until Robbie had done his homework. Then we all sat down for a chat. We said how sad we were to hear that he thought he would be going. I reminded him that last year he hit and misbehaved, yet he was still with us. Robbie said he wants to live with his birth parents. When I said they don't live together he said either of them will be fine. I said he can do that at 18, but until then he'll live with us. Robbie replied that he knows he won't stay with us that long. We said we'd never kick him out and he replied, cold and detached, that he'll kill us. We said how sad it was to hear him say that, and reiterated that he'll continue to live with us no matter what. Then Glen changed subject and took him to beavers. When they got back, Robbie was remorseful. We had a good bedtime and read "Why was I adopted". Whenever the text said anything positive (you were wanted, your parents love you...), Robbie said "no" or shook his head. He still listened, though, and allowed us to kiss him goodnight.

Yesterday morning we had a visit from Jenny, an adoption support worker from "After Adoption", a charity who run the "Safebase" programme. Glen and I attended their course back in October (I've been meaning to post about it but haven't got round to it), and we'd arranged the visit a couple of weeks ago. It had originally been planned as a catch-up on the course, but it turned into a review of our situation. Jenny, who is a social worker and was adopted herself, told us she thinks we need to do something or our adoption will end in disruption. She came up with a plan and is going to contact Robbie's placing authority, our own local authority, and Alice, our counsellor. She offered very practical advice including Glen taking more of a disciplinarian role and me taking a lot more time out. She says we need to go out a lot more and have some respite.

Glen picked Robbie up after school and together they got homework out of the way very quickly. By the time I got home it was all done, so we had a game of Scrabble and then Robbie and I played on the Wii. He won three our of four races, but still got angry with me and blamed me for the one he lost. During dinner Glen told Robbie we'd be going out tomorrow and he'd stay in with a sitter. Robbie seemed fine about this. After dinner we played a game of Ludo and once again he got cross because he didn't win. We managed a peaceful bedtime, but then, just as we were closing the door, Robbie said that he didn't want a sitter tomorrow. Instead of telling him we'd talk about it later, Glen engaged with the conversation. Soon Robbie was in a rage, and Glen started dishing out consequences. Robbie responded by kicking and punching him. I think he was very baffled by the fact that Glen was disciplining him, which isn't normally the case. His internal conflict was verbalised when, as he was punching him, he said to Glen that he still likes him better than me. How confused does a person need to be to say to someone that he likes them at the same time as he's trying to hurt them? I guess even though he was angry with Glen, Robbie wanted him to know that he's still his favourite. Or perhaps he wanted to make it clear to me that even though he was hitting Glen instead of me, I shouldn't interpret that as a sign that his opinion of me had changed. Who knows? Even though we'd agreed I'd step back, I went over and hugged Robbie. He stopped struggling and we were able to put him to bed again.

Glen was very shaken. He's not often been at the receiving end of Robbie's violence and anger, nor is he used to being accused of hurting him while he was defending himself. Robbie, as usual, had shifted the blame onto someone else and for once it wasn't me.

We can only hope that post-adoption services come up with something to help all of us. This situation is beyond our capabilities. Despite our best efforts, Robbie is in a really bad place emotionally: he says he hates himself and cannot understand how anyone could possibly love him. He feels undeserving of any love. He's hurting. We're all hurting.