We've spent the last five days in Spain visiting my family. The night before we left the UK Robbie could not sleep for ages, and got up constantly with some excuse or other. Eventually we got to the bottom of it: first he was worried that that he wouldn't be allowed on the plane with his cast. Once I'd shown him the airline regulations about it, he finally revealed the second reason why he couldn't sleep: what if the house wasn't there when we got back? Indeed it was during our trip to Spain at this time last year that the house flooded. Robbie was very anxious about it, and to be honest so were Glen and I. I explained that is time we'd make sure the water was turned off at the mains, that our neighbours would be keeping an eye on the house, and that a friend would be coming round every day to feed the fish and to check everything was OK and she'd send us a daily SMS report. This seemed to do the trick, and he went to bed reassured.
Our plan to leave all bad news behind with 2011 didn't quite work out. As soon as we'd landed in Spain on January 2nd, Glen got a text from his dad: his mum had been rushed to hospital. As it happens it wasn't as serious as it first looked and she was home by that evening, but it was quite a scare to start our holiday with!
Robbie had a great time for the first three days of the holiday. He spent most of the time at his cousins' having a whale of a time and going to bed late as Spanish children do. Yesterday we took him with us to see some friends. He wasn't happy about it as he just wanted to stay with his cousins. Although we explained that he can't stay there all the time, he was still in a foul mood all morning. In the afternoon, my sister-in-law took Robbie and his cousins to a show and then to the Three Wise Men parade, both of which he loved. Glen and I stayed behind helping my brother assemble and set up the toys that the kids would find when they got home, and later joined the rest of the family for the end of the parade. Five minutes after we'd arrived, Robbie erupted.
I'd asked him to zip up his fleece as it was 3 degrees outside, and he'd refused. He started shouting at me and saying how mean I was and how much he hated me. One of my relatives told Robbie that the Three Wise Men don't bring present to children who misbehave. Robbie couldn't understand and, like a fool, trying to get him to calm down, I translated it for him. It couldn't have had a worse effect. Robbie went into "I'm naughty and I don't deserve anything good" mode, which in turn leads to "I have nothing to lose, so what the hell" and he lashed out, screamed, ran off in a packed street... the works. I ended up having to hold his hand all the way back to the car, which of course meant he accused me of hurting his hand (as well as being mean and hating him) the whole way there.
We drove to a café where we were meant to have a nice hot drink before heading to my brother's to find our Three Wise Men presents. It was an opportunity for Robbie to snap out of the mood he'd got into and Glen had had a word with him in the car about it, but Robbie wasn't able to and refused any food or drink. In fact he spent the whole time with his back turned to everyone. His cousins saw him in a completely different light, and this annoyed me. Glen and I decided we should go back to my parents' and forget about finding the presents that evening or spending the night at my brother's. Robbie said he just wanted to go back to the UK and never return to my home town.
As we neared the door to my parents' I realised that this would leave a bad taste in our mouths and a bad memory of the trip and Epiphany. I also knew that, despite not wanting to reward Robbie's hideous behaviour, his self esteem and proving to him that he isn't bad were more important. So I gave Robbie one last chance. He said there was no point in joining the others as he knew they would get lots of presents and he'd have none for being so naughty. We replied that the Three Wise Men are very wise and they don't judge children for having a bad day, but for how they've behaved all year. Robbie said that he had been bad all year, but eventually he relented.
The Three Wise Men had indeed been good to Robbie and a pile of presents awaited him. His mood soon changed, and later he apologised to us for his behaviour. In the end he decided to stay at his cousins' one final night and we left him a happy boy again.
I was happy that we'd managed to turn things around but very disappointed by the way things had gone, how quickly he'd snapped and lost control and how fragile his self-worth continues to be. Last summer our stay in Spain was the start of a complete behaviour change that led to a very settled few weeks in the autumn, and I had hoped (ever the optimist) that this short stay would do that too. Clearly it's not, and now we have to add Epiphany to the list of occasions (Christmas, boxing day...) that Robbie hasn't been able to enjoy or allow us to enjoy during this holiday (New Year's Eve was hideous too as Robbie was vile to me all evening). We fly back today and school starts again on Monday. I wish I could say we're starting the new term rested, settled, and feeling positive. We're not. But maybe the routine and structure of going back to school will help. Who am I kidding? If school's starting again, so is homework. Sigh.
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17 comments:
Fernando,
I only dip in and out of your blog occasionally, but after seeing this last post I am horrified.
You have had Robbie with you for a long time now and you are still no further forward than when he first came to you. When are you going to stop blaming Robbie for everything and looking for sympathy? You are on his case constantly when what he really needs is a calm, safe and supportive environment.
You are the grown up and you decided to adopt, Robbie didn't decide to be put into care, so you need to do whatever it takes to get this right. I'm not surprised Robbie rebels against you, I would too! You are not his boss, you are supposed to be his parent, mum or dad makes no difference. Stop making excuses and start making a difference.
It's not Robbie's fault he has a difficult past or that you can't cope. It's about time you started behaving like a grown up and less like a childish, selfish bully.
2012 is probably going to be your last chance to get this right, if you lose Robbie now you will lose him forever. This is not a playing happy families game, this is the life of a child who needs more support than most. If you fail at getting this right, you fail this vulnerable little boy. If you are not sure how to improve the situation, it's up to you to find out how, you owe it to Robbie.
I don't intend any offence at all, I would just like to see some progress, so if you are feeling sorry for yourself right now, don't bother, it's Robbie who is important here.
I genuinely hope it's a good 2012 for all of you.
Andy
I understand your concern for Robbie and realise you only want the best for him, as I do. I also wish he wouldn't feel so threatened by me. I do my best to provide opportunities for us to enjoy ourselves together and for Robbie to feel loved, nurtured and supported. He feels let down by his previous main carers and finds it hard to trust or believe that I won't let him down too, which is why I believe he's scared to get truly attached to me.
I'm not sure what I've done that you consider to be not grown up or why you think I'm a childish selfish bully. It's certainly not my intention.
I do think we've made progress, and this is a setback. We've had plenty of good times too.
The last thing I want to do is to fail Robbie. But it's true that I don't always get it right, and only wish I could. I'll keep trying. It's the only thing I can do. I know many who would've given up by now. And that's something we'll never do.
Well, Andy, I am not sure who you are or what your reason for posting here is but I wonder what the f*ck you think you know about adopting a six year old child?
Cause you know what, I have met a few children who were adopted at that age and I don't know any of them who have had an easy time.
The issues Fernando seems to be having relate to Robbie's chaotic response to requests. I personally think that if Fernando didn't ask him to do anything at all Robbie would find something to blow up about. It's an emotional release.
I fail to see what evidence you have that Fernando is a selfish bully.
I think you made that post to hurt Fernando's feelings and to cause trouble. Even if you had any, unfounded, concerns you would not phrase them like that if you actually wanted to help.
I don't intend any offence at all but I hope you f**k off.
In this post Fernando there are 2 examples of what I am talking about.
Firstly, why do you need to tell Robbie to zip up his fleece, let him go out and get cold, he will soon change his mind and all with no upset.
Secondly, when one of your relatives says something negative Robbie can't understand why translate it for him? You are supposed to protect Robbie not kick him while he is down. That is why I refer to you as a bully.
Also, in a previous post about contact there was an issue about reading a letter. When you asked Robbie if he wanted to read the letter he said he didn't want to, that's his right. However, you decided to read it anyway and that is simply cruel. Put yourself in Robbie's position for a moment, surely you will be able to see why he doesn't attach to you. Faced with the same situation you wouldn't attach either.
What Robbie needs is space and room to breath, not you constantly telling him what to do, or what not to do. It's no wonder he kicks off, I'm sure you would kick off if Glen treated you the same way.
I have said it before, the more you back off and give Robbie space, the closer he will get to you. Best of all it will happen because he wants to and not because you try to make him.
I hope you realise I'm not trying to be nasty and I really hope you can all find a way to make Robbie settle. Kids will not automatically love you, they will learn to love you if you give them the chance. If you don't, they learn to resent you instead.
Andy
@Orangegoblin: I appreciate the sentiment (not the language!) and thank you for defending me. I don't think Andy is trying to upset me, although he has.
@Andy: I think to let a child get cold amounts to neglect. It's my responsibility as a parent to look after him. I did say that I had been foolish to translate the comment. I was cross and trying to get him to snap out of it. It was a mistake. I admitted so. A bully hurts intentionally. With regards to the letter, even thought he'd said he didn't want to read it and we gave him some time, at the end of the day we've signed an agreement to do letterbox contact. And I think not reading it is not facing up to the inevitable. It's like people who don't open their bills: just because you're not opening it doesn't mean you're not in debt. You have to face these things. The letters were on Robbie's mind anyway and I expect the actual content was less daunting than whatever he may have imagined the letters said.
I do my best to create positive interactions between Robbie and me, but I think I also need to parent him.
Well orangegoblin82 I have a birth son with special needs and have also adopted a 5 year old girl (now grown up). So I do speak from experience and will not get into any kind of slanging match with anyone ignorant and foul mouthed.
Fernando, I have never suggested Robbie should stay cold, as soon as he starts to feel cold he will zip up his own fleece. You need to understand the boundaries of neglect and let Robbie make some (not all) of his own decisions. Also, it's probably in yours and Robbie's interest not to take any notice of orangegoblin82 judging by the response.
I'm sorry if you feel offended but you really should be able to see beyond this and see the genuine concern for Robbie.
Andy
I wasn't offended, I was upset. They're different emotions. I do know youre trying to be helpful.
Unfortunately, Robbie has no notion of looking after himself. He will never zip up a coat. He'll go blue and still not zip it up. Then blame me because he's cold. We've been here before. I'm not a total control freak, I'm looking after him.
Andy...
If you were trying to be constructive you wouldn't be using language like "horrific" and "selfish bully".
You know it and I know it. You were just verbally lashing out. I don't see how you can expect any better in return.
If you treat people like something you scraped off your shoe people are going to do the same to you.
I'm a lurking reader who feels compelled to comment. There are ways of giving constructive feedback without using the tone that has been employed here by Andy. His approach is simultaneously patronising, condescending, provocative, rude, confrontational and hurtful.
Andy, your assertion that you don't intend any hurt appears to me to be disingenuous in the extreme. Fernando, I applaud you for your polite responses. I'm certain I couldn't possibly be as gracious if I were you.
Andy, you really need to rethink your approach. Your currently employed tactics are simply out of order.
Jonathan
Orangegoblin82
Clearly you don't have a clue and as far as I'm concerned I don't have any issue with you other than your foul language and rudeness.
Jonathan
Sometimes things need to be said and if that makes me unpopular I can handle that. The important person here is Robbie, not Fernando!
Fernando
I have made all my comments with the very best intentions and never wanted to hurt you. Sometimes however the truth does hurt a bit. It is interesting that you all focus on the zipping of the fleece when I outlined much more serious issues in the birth mother contact letter and translating a thoughtless comment. That probably says more about all of you than anything else.
It is obvious that the only way is your way and that you have control issues of your own, so I will leave you be. I am still concerned about your approach to Robbie and I do think it's a shame you are unable to have an open mind.
I see this whole situation as evidence the system does not always work.
Andy
First of all, I did address both the letters and the translation in my first response to your comment about them.
Second of all, despite my efforts to give you the benefit of the doubt, it's now clear that you're the one who considers himself to be the sole owner of the truth / the only one who is right. I've had a very open mind to your comments, but enough is enough. I'm sorry that you consider me such a bad parent. I'm doing my best.
Fernando,
Always remember, you know your son and his needs better than anyone else. Raising a child is never easy especially a child that has attachement issues. You guys are great parents.... do not let anyone tell you differently. Your readers need to remember that EVERY child requires a different parenting style. Keep doing exactly what you are doing... it will pay off in the long run!
Happy New Year, Brandon
Each reader is going to have his/her own perspective and interpretation of your post.
The first paragraph of your post stood out for me, and it did so because it seems in direct contrast to how you often might experience the relationship with your son. What strikes me about the first paragraph is that Robbie was afraid and (if I'm reading things right) you were instrumental in helping him see past his fears. Had he no trust in you and no faith in your abilities, your efforts to help him feel safe (the house will be there, he will be allowed on the plane, no one is leaving him behind, your life will continue with us) would have failed. But you didn't. He allowed you to see and hear his fears and trusted you to empathize with him. I'm guessing that his effort to do so is no small endeavor. Try to remember and try to continue to internalize those moments that show he trusts you. Your charge (one of them, at least) is to help him see that his extension of trust to you is not a foolish and hazardous decision on his part.
Fernando, I always enjoy reading your blog.... it is so honest and describes adoption as it really really is. Some children settle beautifully into an adoptive family others take years and years to settle. Attachment disorder doesn't have a cure - it is always there. Our job is to help children learn how to deal with it and make bonds with other people. These bonds will always be difficult.
I think sometimes we forget that children who are adopted are no different to the children in care. They have the same experiences and emotions and simply crossing over the threshold into adoption does not solve those problems, adopters aren't rescuing children from the pit of the care system. All they are saying is 'I want this child to be in my life forever, and I will do everything in my power to make that happen.' It doesn't mean that we will always get it right, it doesn't mean that it will always work - it does mean that life will be difficult and hopefully one day rewarding.
Thank you Fernando for your blog. for your honesty and integrity. It is good to read something that tells it as it is. It's a shame that your honesty and your reality is being slammed by another adopter. Surely those with such knowledge as Andy should know that 2 years looking after a damaged child is like walking up a hill with weights on your ankle and a bunjee, pulling you back down the hill around your waist?
Stay strong, it sounds like you are doing an excellent job because, as hard as it is you have not given up on Robbie, when far too many would have done.
Lou
Thank you Darrow, Brandon and Lou for your comments. They mean a lot. Lou, your description of what looking after an adopted child is like is spot on! And it made me laugh too.
Thanks again.
Fernando, I think the way you've dealt with this provocative poster is testament to your reflective and kind nature.
Your blog should be a safe place that you can talk about how the adoption experience is affecting you, because in your real everyday life it's all about Robbie. Even so, I always see your efforts on here to try and understand Robbie and figure out a better way to handle things. I marvel at your continued patience and know from experience that to keep up that level of compassion for Robbie it certainly does have to be about YOU sometimes, and that you must take care of yourself, which I can't tell from this blog whether or not you are because it's all about Robbie!
See if this'll make you laugh - sometimes when I have to do repair with my son and I don't feel I can do it, I think 'what would Fernando do?' and that does the trick! You're my role model for repair! Bless you!
LOL! Shall I make "WWFD" repair wristbands made and sell them through the blog?
We're even. When Robbie is aiming all his anger at me, I think of your "trauma shield". We should start an adoption blogger support group... : )
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