Monday 29th November (day 226): Back at work

In answer to my own question on the last post: at 11 pm, that’s when.

Last night we noticed the heating wasn't working properly and this morning we woke up to find that it wasn't working at all, so the house was freezing cold. Of course, if the boiler was going to break down, it had to be during the coldest week we've had in ages (top temperature today was 1 degree celsius). So this morning was a bit of an adventure as we tried to do as many things as we could (such as getting dressed) in the living room, where the fireplace remains our only source of heat.

Glen got Robbie ready and took him to school while I got ready and went to work. I hated every minute of it. I simply didn't want to be there and couldn't wait for five o'clock to arrive. It all seemed so boring and I wasn't the least bit interested in what I was doing.

Five o'clock finally arrived and I came home. Robbie seemed really pleased to see me and I gave him a big hug when I got in. He told me about his day. He'd already finished his homework and had had time on the Wii as a reward. He helped Glen bake some bread and then we watched TV for a bit until dinner time. He dragged his feet a bit during dinner and had to be told to get his skates on. Then he played up a bit when we sent him up to brush his teeth, but I just ignored his call for attention and he got on with it.

Glen told me that Robbie thinks he's lost his Ben 10 winter hat at school and was quite blasé about it ("I've got lots of other hats"), so we told him he'll have to wear his old Thomas the Tank Engine hat unless he finds it. Given that Thomas is now considered "baby-ish", that should do the trick.

We got a space heater to warm up his room before he went to bed and then gave him a "Shaun the Sheep" hot water bottle to keep him warm tonight. The engineer's coming tomorrow to fix the boiler so we hope that he'll be able to fix it. Otherwise I'll have to refer to "Robbie the Snowman" and to the house as "the igloo!"

Sunday 28th November (day 225): Another good day

Shhhh! Don’t tell anyone, but we had a third good day in a row.

During breakfast I reminded Robbie that today was Annie’s birthday and asked him if he wanted to ring her. He said he didn’t, so I let the matter drop for a few minutes and then asked him if the reason he didn’t want to because he didn’t want to talk to her or because he’d misspelt her name on her birthday card. He reluctantly admitted he did want to ring her, but was worried that she’d have taken offence at the misspelling. We assured him that she wouldn’t have and he was happy to speak to her. We sang for her and she thanked Robbie for her card and drawings.

We had a quiet rest of the morning doing jobs around the house. Robbie was asked to play on his own for an hour or so and although he was reluctant at first, he got on with it. He had a moment when he almost got angry, but I reminded him that we do not shout and do not behave like that anymore and he backed down very nicely. So much so, that I gave him a sticker for the new category on his sticker chart: “backing down / controlling your emotions”.

Glen made a fantastic roast for lunch which we all enjoyed. After that we went to the supermarket to get a few bits and pieces and then went over to the Christmas fête that was being held in the village where Robbie goes to school. We saw some of his friends there, Glen bought him a huge balloon (after Robbie agreed to pay half) and Robbie won a plastic bow and arrow set on the “hawk a duck”, so he was made up.

After we got home Robbie played for a bit with his bow and arrows set and then we all finished watching Nanny McPhee and the Big Bang, which we’d started last week. Afterwards Robbie and I got some popcorn and watched some more of Episode II of Star Wars.

Robbie was a little overexcited at dinner time and had to be told to stop playing with his food and to sit down a couple of times, but he took it well and didn’t get annoyed because of it. We had a good bedtime and we congratulated him on another good day.

It’s been a while since we had such a good run of good behaviour and it’s such a relief. He’s calm and we’re calm. Or, more accurately, we’re calm so he’s calm. This quiet period has really helped me to see how much he mirrors our attitude and that when he misbehaves he doesn’t do it to provoke us – he can’t help himself and we need to help him.

My big worry is whether I'll be able to maintain this positive attitude once I'm back at work from tomorrow. So far I've had whole mornings to read, talk to people, think about strategies and analyse the previous day's events. Now I won't have the time anymore (which in itself may be a good thing to stop me overanalysing things) and I'll have other things on my mind. I don't want to get home stressed from work and take it out on Robbie, so I'll have to be really careful about not bringing my work worries home with me.

And when will I find the time to write this blog?

Saturday 27th November (day 224): A quiet day

Another good day! Glen woke up with a cold this morning so Robbie and I had breakfast on our own while he slept (until 11.30 – lucky him!). After his football training, Robbie had a long bath and a quick lunch. Then he went out to play with the neighbourhood kids for a couple of hours. They played outside (despite the freezing weather!) and then came back to ours to play in Robbie's room.

In the late afternoon we took Robbie for a haircut and then we went to the shops. They were doing a free children's science experiment workshop nearby and we stopped there for a while, which Robbie loved.

When we got home Robbie watched TV for a few minutes while we cooked dinner. We ate nicely and told Robbie that we’ve decided that he should have a couple of friends over for something to eat and games on his birthday. The party we cancelled remains cancelled (it was a much bigger event that was supposed to take place next week), so this is an alternative event to make Robbie realise that he is good enough to have a celebration, even if it’s not the party he’d hoped for. Bedtime went well and we were all relieved to have managed another good day.

It was really wonderful to have another day without any shouts, attitude, violence or consequences. I know it was only this time last week that we had another really good day, but it feels like it was much longer ago. One thing is clear and Josie was completely right about it: it's all (or mostly) about the parents’ own attitude towards the child. Robbie really mirrors how he thinks we're feeling or perceiving him. Because we're seeing him and treating him like a good boy, he behaves accordingly. The secret will be to work out how to keep treating him like a good boy when he's misbehaving! If we can manage it, then he should be able to realise that it's not him that's naughty, but his behaviour. That should let him see that even when he's not doing what he should, he's still a lovely little boy. It's a big "if" though...

Attachment-focused counselling review

After Sarah and Pamela expressed their doubts about its benefits at the last LAC review, Robbie’s local authority – who pay for the service – decided to call for a review of our attachment-focused counselling. Alice, our counsellor, and Josie, the expert from Barnardo’s, were there but Sarah wasn’t available (which made no sense as she’s the representative from the local authority). The review took about 20 minutes as we cleared up that although we’d expressed doubts about which approach (attachment-focused or a more strict one like Annie’s) was best, we still thought that it was very useful to be able to discuss Robbie’s behaviours with Alice. Moreover, after the events of this past week, we are keener on the attachment-focused approach anyway. We also discussed the restriction that’s been placed on Alice only being allowed to see Alice twice, and the expert from Barnardo’s will talk to his local authority about this.

Alice was keen on having a bit of time after the review to make the most of Josie’s presence to discuss some of Robbie’s behaviours, think of strategies, and evaluate our feelings.

We talked about asking Robbie why he does the things he does when he’s angry or frustrated. Josie stated clearly that this will only frustrate him, as there’s every chance that he doesn’t actually know why. She says that wondering out loud, even if it leads to some misfires, will help and let Robbie know that we want to understand him.

We also discussed the fact that Robbie’s behaviour is so different at school from what he’s like at home. Josie thinks that the reason he can behave so well at school is that he doesn’t have to make a meaningful connection with his teacher, and therefore is happy to behave for her. She warned us that when he makes a really good friend, he may test him to ensure that he’s not going to give up on him.

Josie told us to be careful with our relationship with Robbie’s foster carers. She thinks that Robbie may be subconsciously angry with them for not keeping him. She pointed out that in cases where the child’s been very happy in his foster home it’s sometimes harder for the child to move on as this is a second loss for him after that of his birth family. She was not asking us to cut our relationship with them off, but to let Robbie be the guide and not bring them up or ring them unless he says he wants to.

Regarding strategies to deal with his behaviour, Josie suggested that we should be very careful about which battles to pick. She also said Robbie needs to understand our motives and that we ask him to do things because we love him and we’re looking out for him, not to control him. She thinks he’s “trapped in shame” and our recent strict period of ever-growing consequences will have helped to confirm that. We need to take the spotlight off him even when we tell him off, using wording such as “we don’t do that” (which is about OUR behaviour) instead of “don’t do that” (which is about his).

Finally, Josie warned us that his birthday and Christmas will be very hard for him as, even though he’s in a better place, to him it will feel like it’s not the place where he should be. He’s also likely to be thinking about previous birthdays and Christmases with his birth family and foster carers. Considering both occasions are coming up in the next month, we better brace ourselves and try to help him overcome what will be very difficult situations. What will make it harder is that of course such milestones as his first birthday with us and our first Christmas together are events that Glen and I should be looking forward to instead of dreading!

Friday 26th November (day 223): What we signed up for

What a difference! Today we were all relaxed, playful and calm. Glen got Robbie ready for school and dropped him off. Robbie was really chuffed with the cow costume I’d put together (a mask made out of a cereal box and a white t-shirt painted with black cow patches) for his nativity play.

We had a phonecall from Miranda. She confirmed that it’s Robbie’s birth father who’s applied for leave of court to contest the placement order, as we suspected. She’s still not worried, though. The only uncertainty we discussed is how long all this will delay the adoption order. A few minutes after I’d spoken to her a letter arrived from the court. Birth father has been given a court date (which obviously we don’t get to attend) in a couple of weeks’ time. Hopefully this will mean that it can all be resolved fairly quickly and we can put it behind us.

After that we went to a review of our attachment-focused counselling, which I’ll write about in a separate post.

In the afternoon I picked Robbie up and we were both playful and silly. He’d had a spelling test and for the tenth week in a row he’d got 10 out of 10 for it. With much fanfare we gave him a prize (a book on how to make paper airplanes) for his achievement. Then it was homework and reading, which he did quickly and well, so he earned himself his 20 minutes on the Wii for the first time this week. We had one more surprise in store: the DS game he’d earned himself last weekend but we’d been holding back because of his behaviour. He was really pleased and ran upstairs to get his DS and try it for the allotted 30 minutes while Glen went shopping.

Once his time on the DS was up, the two of us spent half an hour being silly on the carpet: tickling, laughing… it was great. I asked Robbie what he wanted to do next and he wanted to watch Episode II of Star Wars, so we watched the first 45 minutes while Glen got dinner ready. After dinner we read his story and put him to bed, remarking on what a nice day we’d all had. This is what we signed up for, and not the nightmare of the last few days!

Thursday 25th November (day 222): Between a rock and a hard place

All was going well this morning until I started getting breakfast ready. Robbie had asked for chocolate flakes today, which surprised me as he doesn’t tend to ask for those. When saw me pick up the cereal box, he shouted at me that he didn’t want those. I said that’s what he’d asked for. He shouted that he meant his other chocolate cereal. I said I’d get him the other cereal if he apologised for shouting. He muttered a “sorry” brimming with attitude so I said he had one more chance to say it properly. He didn’t, so I said it chocolate flakes it was. He said he wouldn’t eat them so I told him it was that or nothing. He chose nothing, so I sent him upstairs to get changed. He’d already had an orange juice, so he wasn’t on an empty stomach, and he takes fruit to school every day so it wasn’t the end of the world.

While he was getting changed I approached him. Before I could say anything he shouted that he wasn’t hungry and wouldn’t eat. He expected me to go on about his breakfast and then offer him what he wanted, but I wasn’t about to. Instead I explained that I had come up to tell him that I’d left his pens out in the dining room so he could draw a picture for Annie when he finished getting dressed. He’d much rather watch TV, so he wasn’t happy about it. I explained her card needs to be posted today, so it’s his last chance.

When I went downstairs he’d drawn a birthday cake and spelt her name the same way as he did last night, which he knows is not right. I asked him why. He shouted that he didn’t know how to spell it. I said that when he doesn’t know something he should ask instead of shouting. I tried to help by asking him to write as far as he knows (he struggles with the final “e”) and he refused to even write her initial, so I left it at that.

On the way to school I told him what we’ll be doing this afternoon: the Spanish words he didn’t write yesterday, maths homework, reading, and then Wii time if all goes well. He said that was OK. When we got to the school I asked him to read the board and he refused. I was just fed up, so I said “OK, bye then” and turned around. He just kept walking and went inside. I followed him in and asked the headteacher, who was by the door, if he could be brought back. She brought Robbie to me and I asked him what he thought I wanted him to do, wait for me or walk on. “Wait for you”. I asked him why he hadn’t done that and he replied he went in because I’d walked away. He actually believed I would just leave him by the school gate! I didn’t know what to say, so I gave him a hug and wished him a good day at school. At least we’d managed to do some repair.

After school it all flared up again. As soon as we got home he refused to do anything we asked, got really angry and pushed me and then stepped on my foot. Later he shouted at Glen. The threats and consequences kept coming fast: I told him that if he hit me again he wouldn’t be allowed to go to a birthday party he’s been invited to, then Glen said he wouldn’t be allowed to go to football on Saturday… he just screamed that he wouldn’t be going anyway so it didn’t matter.

His remark made me think about what was happening and I called Glen over for a quiet word. On the one hand all these consequences only confirm to him his self-belief that he’s naughty and he behaves accordingly. It’s a vicious circle. On the other hand his actions need consequences or he really will have control over the household (but then again by being able to control our emotions, moods, and distracting us from whatever we’re meant to be doing with all these outbursts isn’t he in control already?).

With 20 minutes to spare we decided to give him a get-out. Glen left for beavers (they were doing a special activity for two hours at a special location) and told Robbie that if he got his homework done then I would take him. Robbie did his sentence and Spanish words in a flash. When I mentioned how quickly he’d managed to do it he said he knew how to do it all along. I asked about Annie’s name. He said he knew how to spell that too “but I get angry and I don’t want to do things”. I made him promise that he’d not pretend not to know things he knows anymore. He did.

We rushed to get him into his beaver uniform and then I asked him about something that he’d been pretending not to know the answer earlier. He looked at me and pretended once again. I could see it in his eyes. Because he had his beaver uniform on and we were nearly out of the door he thought I wouldn’t do anything about it. I picked him up on it and he admitted he was lying.

I asked him why he’d lied literally two minutes after promising not to and he said “I just do it and I don’t know why!” I told him we’d have to stay as he’d been given one final chance and he’d blown it. He became really distressed and begged me to take him to beavers. He made all sorts of promises, crying his eyes out and clinging on to me. Every cell in my body was saying “don’t”, but I knew I needed to break the vicious circle, so I told him I would take it because I want the best for him and I believed he would really stop this time.

After all this, we were running late. The beaver activity wasn’t in the nearby hall where they normally meet, but all the way at the other end of the city. What followed was a mad rush in the car for 25 minutes. I took shortcuts and almost jumped a red light.

After I dropped him off I made my way home and had a long bath and a good think about everything that has gone on in the last few days. I had a real sense of relief. It felt like we’d got somewhere today. Robbie needed to see that he’s not a naughty boy and he does deserve good things. We were treating him like a bad boy, so he was acting like one. It’s clear to me now that his foster carer’s methods worked because she was managing his behaviour, but not helping him to develop trust (although he eventually did – but he was three and a very different boy then). I reminded myself of “the attitude” (playful, accepting, curious, empathic) and decided to have a word with Glen about all these ridiculous consequences we’ve been coming up with. They’ve spiralled to bigger and bigger consequences every time, and poor Robbie felt there was nothing left to lose.

When Glen and Robbie got back, I gave Robbie a big hug. I told him that I know he’s a good boy and believe in him. I said that if he gets angry he must tell us so we can help, not start playing up. Then I told him once again (because you can never say it too many times) that we love him and he’ll always stay with us.

To put his new resolution to the test, I asked Robbie to copy in his notebook the Spanish words we’d done earlier. He did this without complaint while Glen cooked dinner. After dinner I read him his bedtime story and then we both put him to bed. All three of us were visibly more relaxed, which was fantastic. So even though we had a hard day and we had to make some tough choices, I really feel enthusiastic about this. It’s not like we’re fooling ourselves that this will last forever, but I’d like to think we’ve seen what strict without empathy does, and it’s not where we want to be.

What makes a dad? Coronation Street has the answer

The other day long-standing character Jack Duckworth died in Coronation Street (for any non-UK readers, it’s a continuing drama that’s been on TV for the last 50 years). Tyrone, who was like a son to Jack, said these words at his funeral:

"You won't find his name on my birth certificate or his blood in my veins, but none of that makes a dad. 

"It’s someone who'll make you feel loved, share your happiness, feel your blows, take them for you if they can. Someone you can turn to when there's nowhere left to go, no matter how big a mess you've made of things. And they may not tell you what you want to hear, but they’ll tell you what you need to. Because they'll always always want what's best for you. Even more than you want it yourself. Even if you don't know it at the time. 

"They'll make you laugh, really laugh; cry maybe if you've let them down, but so long as they live, there'll always be a place that you can call home. 

"Even though I was 16 when we met, Jack came to mean all that to me. And that's why I'm proud to call him my father."

We can only hope to be all that for Robbie. And if we’re really lucky, maybe one day in years to come he’ll feel that way about us.

Wednesday 24th November (day 221): A step in the right direction

Glen was in charge this morning and he managed to have a good peaceful routine and even to get him to do his spellings and a sentence. Then we looked at what he’d written on Monday, when he did it wrong on purpose, and I asked him to fix the word. He pretended not to be able to, so we left it at that to avoid negative attention. Glen congratulated him on having a “mostly good” morning and was about to offer Robbie yet another chance to earn himself the possibility of going to beavers when I silenced him with a look as he’s had many chances already and wasted them all. While Robbie got dressed we had an argument. Glen wants Robbie to go to beavers because they’re doing an activity he doesn’t want him to miss out on. I said that whilst I understand he doesn’t want Robbie to miss out, he can’t keep offering third, fourth and fifth chances or Robbie won’t take his consequences seriously. We talked about it later when he got back from dropping him off. Glen said I stress Robbie out by picking on everything, which I don’t think I do.

We’d agreed Glen would pick him up from school and do homework with him to avoid a conflict with me, but he was held up with a work commitment, so I picked him up. Robbie was in a good mood and we managed to keep it going. We said there was lots to do: maths homework, reading, Spanish (we write down 5 or 10 words on a Wednesday) and then signing Annie’s card and doing her drawing. While we talked about it he asked if we could do the Spanish after the drawing (in other words: “I have no intention of doing any Spanish”). Glen said no. All homework went fine until they got to the Spanish, when – even though it was Glen in charge - Robbie refused to do it. Because of that, he never did Annie’s drawing.

We did say he could write her card, though, and he misspelt her name. When I asked him if that’s how it’s spelt he said “no, it’s wrong, but I don’t know how to spell it”. I asked him why he hadn’t asked, but he shut down and that was the end of that. I said he could either ask how it’s spelt and change it or we’d send it as it was. Needless to say, it went in the envelope as it was.

He was keen on reading, though. His school books had gone in this morning with a note explaining to his teacher that he’d refused to read one of the books and he didn’t want that to happen again. We were able to congratulate him on his reading and from then on we had a good dinner and a good bedtime.

The three of us agreed that whilst today hadn’t been without its moments, it had been much better than the last couple of days. Glen and I told Robbie that we hoped it would continue to improve. 

Tuesday 23rd November (day 220): The stand-off

When Robbie woke up he was a bit hesitant and waited to gauge my reaction to him after yesterday’s events. When he saw me smile as I said good morning he smiled too. We laughed while he had his shower and then I was very playful as I dried him to show him I didn't hold a grudge.

During breakfast I mentioned how much nicer it was to have a good morning instead of the bad afternoon we had yesterday. He agreed. I asked what yesterday was all about and he said he just didn't want to do a drawing for Annie when I asked him to. It wasn't about the drawing or Annie though, but about doing it when he wanted to and not when he was told to. We had the usual conversation about having to do things when we're asked and I also made a point that being asked to draw something was hardly like being asked to clean the toilets or something really hard!

He was in a good mood as he helped me to put the recycling out and on our way to school I told him he’d still have to go to bed early tonight and tomorrow night, but if he was good on both days we’d let him go to beavers after all (I’d previously agreed this with Glen). He said he didn’t think it would happen and I reminded him that he controls his behaviour and if he wanted to make it happen it would. As self-fulfilling prophecies go, this one didn’t take long to come true. Not five minutes after we’d had our conversation, I asked Robbie to read the class activities for the day that his teacher puts up on a board outside the class window. He pretended he couldn’t read the word “carol” (really, there aren’t many easier words to read. It sounds exactly as it’s spelt!). When I looked at him he said: “I told you I couldn’t be good all day”. I just felt so sorry for him there and there. He won’t allow himself to have a good day and I really don’t know why or how I can help him come out of this dark hole he’s got himself into. 

When I picked Robbie up from school he was in a good mood. Once in the car I asked him whether he was still willing to try to be good for the next couple of days to be allowed to go to beavers. He said he was. Trying to show empathy and curiosity, I asked him why then he'd chosen not to read that word this morning. His mood changed straight away. Before I knew what was happening he was in full swing. When we got home it wasn't any better, giving us attitude and shouting. Both Glen and I went for a no-nonsense approach and told him we wouldn't put up with his attitude, shouting, or violence. He stayed in his room, shouting and throwing things, and refusing to do his homework while we ignored it all. 

Seeing that we wouldn't come up, he came down and apologised. We asked him why he'd behaved like that. He said he can't help himself. We asked how come he can help it at school and he was not like that with his foster carers. He had no explanation. Glen told him the only reason he does it is because he doesn't respect us, and until he starts respecting us and living by the house rules things aren't going to get any better. 

He had his dinner on his own, with us in the living room (through open double doors - he wasn't “abandoned”). After he finished he put away his plate, cutlery and cup, which he normally has to be asked to do. He brushed his teeth and Glen kissed him good night in the living room. I went up with him and put him to bed. I told him I loved him and he replied that he didn't believe me. I just said "I think you know it's true" and closed the door. 

An hour later Robbie came downstairs to let us know that one of his teeth had come out. It did cross our minds that he might have pulled it out on purpose to have an excuse to come downstairs, but it had been wobbling for a while and there was no blood, so it was obviously due to come out. He also looked like he'd just woken up. We sorted out his tooth and put him to bed. I made a point of telling him that even though he'd misbehaved today we'll always look after him when he needs us and told him I don't like it when he goes to bed angry. He apologised for his behaviour and said he'll try to stop. We told him he really needs to try a lot harder (while at the same time swapping his tooth for a pound coin right under his nose) and kissed him good night. We said we loved him and he said he did too. 

We were really glad that we'd had a chance to repair and have a proper good night as the events from earlier had left a really bad taste in our mouths. We've been doing everything the way Annie used to deal with him when he first went into foster care and she advised us to do, but it's really hard for us even if we're doing it in the belief that it will help all of us get over this. 

Monday 22nd November (day 219): Battle of wills

The plan for today was: when Robbie gets back from school give him his prize for the 100 stickers, then find a quiet moment and suggest that if he manages not to have any really angry (i.e. violent) moments in the next couple of weeks then he'll be allowed to invite a couple of friends over for a pizza and games on his birthday. Sounds easy, right? We didn’t manage any of it.

Glen did the morning routine with him and dropped him off at school without any problems.

While Robbie was at school I rang the British Association for Adoption and Fostering (BAAF) helpline to ask for advice regarding contesting adoption orders. They explained that all that the birth parents can do is apply for leave of court to request to have the care and placement orders revoked. They said that because Robbie’s placement order was granted two years ago, he’s been placed with a family and we’ve applied for the adoption order, it’s highly unlikely that a judge would grant leave of court as the welfare of the child comes first. As long as the “Annex A” reports that the social workers have to submit by next Monday are positive, then the judge should go with their recommendation that the adoption order is granted. In addition, the birth parents would have had to make (and demonstrate) “enormous changes” to their lifestyle for the judge to consider it at all. This was really reassuring and we felt a lot more at ease about it.

Glen picked Robbie up from school. When they got home he gave me a big hug and I told him I'd missed him as I hadn't seen him all day. While he was getting changed out of his uniform, I told him that it's his foster carer's birthday soon and after he finished his homework I wanted him to draw a nice picture for her that we could send with her birthday card. He frowned. Straight away I knew I'd made a mistake. I should have presented the information the other way around and involved him by saying "it's Annie's birthday soon, what shall we do?" or something similar and get him to suggest doing a drawing for her. Still, it's hardly like I was asking him to do hard labour. He should be able to take a small command without feeling like his routine is being massively disturbed, shouldn't he? Anyway, Robbie said he didn't want to do it today and he'd do it next Friday. I told him that would be too late. He got into a mood and started answering back at me, so I gave him a warning.

A few minutes later he was still brimming with attitude, so I made him read the house rules out loud. He started shouting, so I told him to sit on the sofa for six minutes. He sat there hitting the sofa and himself with his slippers while we ignored his clear call for attention. When the six minutes were up, Glen reset the timer for another six minutes. When Robbie asked why, Glen told him it was because he hadn't sat there quietly as he'd been asked to.

I had to nip out to the supermarket, so I left them to it knowing that Robbie tends to calm down more easily when he's with Glen. When I got back half an hour later I could hear Robbie's screams as soon as I walked in.

Glen told me Robbie had played up during his homework and now he was refusing to read the word "cheese", which was in the title of his school book. Glen - who knows that Robbie loves cheese and knows perfectly well how to spell the word - said that the word spelt a type of food he really likes and if he didn't read it he wouldn't be allowed to have any for the rest of the month. Robbie, too stubborn to back down, continued to pretend he didn't know how to spell it and used up all of the chances Glen gave him. When Glen then told him that was it he said "cheese" straight away, but by then it was too late. Robbie got really angry and swung first his slippers and then his fists at Glen, but he made sure that he didn't actually hit him. Glen told him he’d be going to bed early, sent him to his room to get changed into his pyjamas and told him to think about his behaviour while he did that. After a few minutes I went up with a pad of paper and suggested to Robbie that he does the drawing for Annie, as engaging him in an activity normally helps him to calm down. Robbie refused, but I left the pad in his room hoping that he would do it anyway.

By the time his dinner was ready, Robbie hadn’t touched the drawing pad. He had dinner with a permanent scowl on his face and tried a few tricks, none of which we fell for. When he finished Glen had a stern word with him. He told him we love him, but he’s not the one who rules this house. He told him he can choose how his days will be: either nice if he behaves well, or like today if he continues to misbehave. Robbie wasn’t ready to listen and got angry again. Glen warned him that if he didn’t stop he’d be going to bed at 6 every night this week (meaning there won’t be time to go swimming tomorrow or to beavers on Thursday), but Robbie continued to shout, swing his fists, and run away when we tried to stop him.

We put him to bed at 6 pm and told him we loved him. He spent the next 15 minutes shouting from his bedroom how we don’t care for him and how much he hates us, then he seemed to calm down once he realised we weren’t going to respond. About an hour later he came out of his bedroom and apologised to me (Glen was in his office). I thanked him for apologising and asked him what everything that happened this afternoon was about. He replied, honest as ever, “I just didn’t want to do what you wanted me to do”. I told him for the umpteenth time that he needs to start doing what he’s asked to do. I explained we never ask him to do things to annoy him or stop him having a good time, but for good reasons. He nodded, gave me a hug and went back to bed.

We didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. We did laugh at the “no cheese” prohibition. That one’s going on our top 10 most ridiculous consequences ever given to Robbie in the heat of the moment. But we also felt like crying. Seven months ago, this boy was successfully putting his past behind him and behaving really well at his foster carers’. We understand that he needs to test us and challenge our authority and boundaries to really feel safe. We also understand that he would have done this with any other family he was placed with, but at times it feels like we’re failing him and wonder if we really are any good for him.

Sunday 21st November (day 218): “I don’t want to be a son”

I let Glen have a lie-in this morning and when Robbie got up we sat down to do some drawing and colouring. I was singing along to a song called “Forget You”. In the last week Robbie and I have had a running joke whenever we hear that song that I go “who are you?” and he says: “I’m Robbie!” We did that today and I replied “I know who you are! You’re my son!” I don’t often use the word “son” to refer to him and indeed he frowned when I said it. I said I’d noticed that he doesn’t like it when I call him son. He nodded. I asked why. “I don’t want to be a son”. Following the attachment-focused theories of being curious rather than guessing what’s in his head, I asked why. He refused to tell me. From then on the shutters came down, and all my asking led to nothing. When Glen came downstairs a few minutes later saw through Robbie straight away and pointed out to me that Robbie was not going to tell me, he just wanted the attention. Robbie, caught out, got annoyed and started slamming the door. He was given a warning and didn’t stop, so we said he’d have to go to bed 10 minutes earlier than usual. It was very annoying as today he got his hundredth chart sticker and I was about to give him his prize, but we could hardly reward that kind of behaviour so we told him he’d have it tomorrow.

He managed to calm down and we had a peaceful breakfast. While we were finishing in the bath, our guests arrived. We’d invited a gay couple that we met through New Family Social (and become close to as our matching processes ran at very similar times) over for lunch with their two boys. Robbie’s met the boys before at New Family Social events and they get on well. They all played nicely in Robbie’s room for a bit and then let off some steam bouncing on the trampoline while the adults caught up. We then sat down for a nice lunch and afterwards went for a short walk to the nearby playpark, where the kids played on the swings. It was a really nice visit and we were really pleased that it had gone so well. We had to give Robbie a warning for shouting at one point, but that was it.

After they’d gone we watched a bit of TV. While we were sitting nicely I asked Robbie if he could tell me why he doesn’t like being called our son and he said he’d never tell me. Rather than showing any annoyance or pursuing the matter any further, I just said that was fine, but if he ever decided to tell me then that would be fine too.

It took us a bit longer than planned to get dinner ready and by the time we were done it was Robbie’s usual bedtime, so we told him that he’d have to go to bed 10 minutes early tomorrow rather than today. We don’t like postponing a consequence, but we also didn’t want to let it go as it’s important that consequences are seen through.

Saturday 20th November (day 217): Perfect day

Robbie slept until 8.30 and when he came into our bedroom we spent half an hour cuddling, tickling, stealing the pillows and duvet and chasing each other around the bed. We had a nice breakfast and then Glen dropped him off at football. An hour later I picked him up and then Robbie soaked in the bath for a whole hour, just enjoying his bath toys and the lack of a rush.

After his bath, Robbie happily did the homework he didn't do yesterday as he knew if he did it well he and I would sit down to watch the end of Star Wars Episode I, which we dutifully did. After that our friend Caroline popped round for an hour with her sons James and Matt. We hadn't seen them for quite a while and it was very nice to catch up with her. Her boys were quite boisterous and Robbie found them a little overwhelming, especially when they went through his things and found his memory box. He came down to tell us about it and we soon sorted it out.

After they left, Robbie was asked to play on his own for a bit so he could earn himself a "playing well on your own" sticker - one of the two he needs to get his 100 and therefore receive his chosen present - while we did jobs around the house. He did so without complaint for over an hour and both Glen and I stopped in his room to play with him for a few minutes each to show him he wasn't being ignored. While I was there he told me how James and Matt had called him a baby after seeing a couple of baby toys that are kept inside his memory box. We decided that his memory box is kept too close to where his toys are and that's why kids to come to visit are curious about it, because they think there may be more toys inside. We agreed that we'll move it somewhere else. I asked him if he ever opens it and he said he doesn't really, but he'd like to. We opened it and looked at a couple of the things inside together. I worried that this may be the trigger to an outburst, but it wasn't. He just told me about some of the items and who gave them to him. He didn't seem particularly emotional and was quite matter of fact.

I asked him to tidy up his room so I could wipe the dust off the surfaces and he did. He then offered to hoover his room and the rest of the upstairs and I was glad to let him! While I finished hoovering downstairs, Glen and Robbie went out to get some fish and chips. After dinner Robbie got ready for bed. We read some of his book (Astrosaurs Academy 2) and put him to bed. We thanked him for a really nice day and commented on what a difference it made from days when there's shouting and anger. Robbie agreed.

Robbie was really delightful all day, not a shout or a frown. He was cuddly, funny and sweet. What made the day more special was that we weren't in a theme park, or enjoying a day out. It was just a normal Saturday doing normal things at home. The only downer came while Glen was folding some of Robbie's socks. It suddenly occurred to him that if Robbie's father were successful challenging the adoption order and getting custody back we may be forced to hand over all those socks, and most importantly Robbie, to him. He told me about it and I reminded him of Miranda's advice to try not to worry. Easier said than done. We KNOW it's very unlikely, but the possibility is still there and it's hard to live with it.

We didn't let that spoil our mood, though. Days like today don't come that often and they make it all worthwhile. Please sir, may we have some more?

Friday 19th November (day 216): Disappointing news: adoption contested and no therapy

Robbie came into our bedroom at 1.30 in the morning claiming to have had a nightmare. Glen comforted him and put him back to bed. An hour later he came in again and this time Glen just gave him a quick hug, took him back to bed and told him to stay there, which he did. In the morning, while he was in the bath, I had a chat with him about it. He claimed that the first time he came he'd had a real nightmare, but not the second time. I reminded him that if he wakes up he's supposed to go back to sleep, not get up, and made a point that Glen and I need to sleep. He got a little grumpy and gave me one of his disdainful looks, but I just ignored it. I was playful with him while I was drying him and that seemed to be enough to get him to laugh again. The rest of the morning went really well. It was a non-uniform day in aid of Children in Need and Robbie was happy to pay one pound of his own money for it.

He'd been invited to a playdate with his friend Jonathan, so Jonathan's mum picked both of them up from school and they spent the afternoon playing first in the park and then in the house (toy cars and of course the Wii). When I went to pick Robbie up, I praised him on playing nicely on the Wii. Jonathan's mum told me that Robbie'd fallen off his scooter twice and given himself a bit of a fat lip. It was barely noticeable but she told me that she and another of the mums joked that they may get a call for explanations from Robbie's social worker!

When we got home we watched Children in Need for a while. Glen and Robbie were really playful on the sofa while we did and all of the grief from Wednesday seemed to be behind us. I think it's done him a world of good to have a nice afternoon playing with his best friend and being able to forget it all. We explained what the charity is about and I told him that whatever he donated I would at least double. He decided to donate £5, which to him is two weeks' worth of pocket money (and he'd already given a pound this morning!) We praised him for his generosity and told him we were so impressed that we'd not only double it but multiply it by a larger number. Together we rang the charity line and he seemed really chuffed. After that we put him to bed and congratulated him on two good days in a row. If he manages a third he'll get his DS back tomorrow!

Even though it was a good day for Robbie, it wasn't such a good day for us. It would have been too perfect to have a whole day without stress. We had two very disappointing pieces of news today: a phonecall from Miranda and a letter from Child and Adolescent Mental Heath Services (CAMHS).

Miranda rang to let us know that one of Robbie's birth parents (we don't know which one at this point, but since we had such a nice letter from birth mother we expect it's birth father) is contesting the adoption order. Well, they have applied for leave of court to contest it. In her experience, birth parents very rarely get leave of court unless they have turned their lives around and made significant changes. Miranda doesn't think this is the case and is cautiously confident that nothing will come off it, although she is waiting to know more - hopefully next week. She's warned us that this is likely to delay the adoption process by about six weeks. In the grand scheme of things this is hardly a long time, but until it's resolved it will continue to be a source of more anxiety for us.

The letter from CAMHS was in response to the request for therapy for Robbie that the independent review officer (at our request) asked Sarah to put to them after our last LAC review. I have no idea what Sarah said to them but their answer is that "from the available information the referral does not meet the criteria for involvement from CAMHS at this time. This is because the appropriate intervention appears to be in place." I'm guessing Sarah's told them that we're currently getting support from Alice, our attachment-focused counsellor, and they're assuming that's enough. If it was enough the independent review officer wouldn't have agreed to request it! We are getting support for us, but not for Robbie, who's yet to see any professionals. Considering his behaviour in the last few weeks you'd think it's exactly what he needs, wouldn't you? Glen reckons that for a child to get funding for therapy they need to be setting fire to the house on a regular basis… otherwise it’s considered “normal”.

In any case the letter was addressed to the wrong house (next door), Robbie's name was misspelt, and they'd copied a GP who's no longer at our local surgery, so if that's an indication of how they work we may be better off without.

The first piece of news makes the second worse as our health insurance should cover Robbie's therapy (and therefore we shouldn't need the help of CAMHS) but of course we don't have permission to do that until we've adopted him and that's just been put back for at least six weeks...

We all could do with some happy news or at least a run of a few good days. Is that too much to ask?

Thursday 18th November (day 215): The aftermath

I lay awake half the night worrying about the party cancellation. The main source of worry is the fact that the kids being uninvited are all from his school. School for Robbie is a safe place where he’s never had any angry moments and he can control himself there. If for any reason the cancellation unsettles that I don’t know what we’ll do.

In the morning Robbie seemed to be OK. We asked him if he would rather tell the boys that the party is cancelled or give them letters for their parents. He chose the latter, so I typed something explaining that the party had to be cancelled “due to unforeseen circumstances” and we were very sorry to have to disappoint the children. I told Robbie this was about his behaviour and not about embarrassing him, and that’s why the letter didn’t explain the real reason for the cancellation. I also told him that if anyone should ask why it’s cancelled he should just say “it just is” and offer no more explanations. The last thing we want is for people to worry that their child is mixing with a potentially violent child. Not because we want to hide it but because we know that Robbie would never be violent towards other children. He never has and we have no reason to believe he would.

I had a quick word with his teacher to let her know what was happening and asked her to make sure that on this particular day Robbie had nothing to get angry over. We agreed she’d give us a signal of how his day had gone when we went to pick him up.

I saw the mum of one of the boys who was being uninvited and told her we had to cancel. I told her I was really sorry to have to disappoint her boy and as I said that my voice wobbled. I hadn’t realised until that point just how tired and emotional I was. She could see I was getting upset so she sympathised and told me that being a parent isn’t easy. I had to agree.

When I got home I went to bed for two hours and managed to catch up on some sleep. I then took an hour-long bath to help me relax. What am I going to do in a few days’ time when I’m back at work? I won’t have the luxury of taking the morning off! I shall have to worry about that when the time comes.

Glen picked Robbie up from school. His teacher gave him the thumbs up to indicate Robbie had been fine. I was so relieved when Glen told me! Robbie’s came home with his lines for the Nativity play. He has two lines and has to dress up as… a cow. Where on earth we’re going to conjure up a cow outfit from I don’t know…

Glen did Robbie’s homework and reading with him and then they both went to beavers. When they got back Robbie had a quick dinner and after a few minutes of bedtime story we put him to bed. I was a little detached. Yesterday I was worried about him, but today I’m cross. He just behaved like yesterday never happened. On the one hand it’s great that he’s not racking himself with guilt (at least externally). On the other it’s unsettling that he looks so remorseless.

We don’t know what to think of all this. Maybe he needs to test how far he can go to believe that we really won’t give up on him. Maybe he just saw red and truly cannot control himself with us. Maybe this, maybe that. There could be a million explanations or none. We’ll never know what really goes on inside that little head. We can only hope to support him and to help him manage his anger so that it doesn’t ever get as bad again.

Wednesday 17th November (day 214): Out of control

Another good morning with only a small blip when Robbie was warned that he’d lose his privilege to ride in the front of the car unless he ate his breakfast properly. He chose to ignore me and as a consequence he was told he would have to ride to school on the back seat. He tried the usual “you don’t like me” response, but I empathised and reasoned with him and he soon snapped out of it. He even did his homework without a fuss and finished everything in time to have 15 minutes of Spongebob Squarepants.

In the afternoon I picked him up and once at home he got on with his reading really well, not even trying once to play up. We had agreed to read two chapters of his school book but he was enjoying it so much that he asked to read the next one as well! As a treat he was given his 20 minutes on the Wii and he asked me to play with him. It was the same game that he beat me at on Tuesday but somehow this time I beat him in the first two games. We played a third and he beat me so he asked for one more. When I won that one he got annoyed and said he never wanted to play again as he “always” loses. I reminded him he beat me at the same game only two days ago, but he was still annoyed and sulking. I said I didn’t want to play with him if he was going to be like that and left him to it. He shouted that he hated me, so I told him that I didn’t let people who say such things play with my Wii and switched it off.

He lost it. He started throwing cushions around and screaming. I recognised this as a “little nero” tantrum and walked away, telling him I expected to find everything in its place when I got back to the room. He started slamming the living room door time and time again, so – unable to ignore that – I returned to the room and told him to stop. I was very calm and matter-of-fact. He refused to. I asked him to sit on the sofa for six minutes and he ran off. I didn’t chase him and instead told him to get back when he was ready to do his six minutes on the sofa. He came back with a frown. When I started the timer he got off the sofa and started to throw the cushions around again. Then he threw them at me. I didn’t react, so he pushed me. I told him to stop. He took my slippers and threw them at me, so very calmly I told him his behaviour was not acceptable and if he didn’t stop we would have to cancel his birthday party.

He looked me in the eye and told me that his birthday party can’t be cancelled because we’ve already sent the invitations. He looked invincible, full of anger and so sure of himself. Then he whacked my foot. I told him the birthday party was cancelled. We would inform the boys’ parents that it wouldn’t happen. He realised I meant it and changed tactics: clinging on to me, crying and apologising, begging for one more chance and promising it would never happen again. I hugged him and told him I was really sorry too as I was looking forward to his party, but he’d been given a warning and he’d gone ahead regardless.

He went from begging forgiveness to accusations (“you never wanted me to have my party anyway!”) and when that didn’t work he went back to apologising. I told him what was done was done and suggested he did some colouring to distract him, which he did.

At that moment Glen arrived back from his work trip. I gave him a quick summary away from Robbie’s ears. Glen asked Robbie what had happened. He tried to pass it off saying he’d pretended to hit me but nothing else. Glen asked if that was all Robbie, realising that Glen wasn’t going to take his side, erupted again. He first shoved his pens at Glen. Glen, tired after a whole day of travelling, picked up the pens and threw them in the bin. Robbie then threw his slippers at him, so Glen picked them up and put them in the bin as well. Robbie launched himself at Glen, grabbed hold of his shirt, and ripped it. Glen responded by getting hold of Robbie’s t-shirt and ripping it too, asking him what it felt like to have his clothes ripped off. I intervened and got Glen to calm down. We managed to get Robbie to sit down on the floor and stay there.

Robbie started punching himself. Then he started biting and scratching himself. We told him to stop. Glen informed him that he’d have to pay for a new shirt out of his pocket money and he’s not allowed to play the Wii with anyone else. If he earns tie on it then he’ll have to play on his own until he can play with other people without getting upset.

I managed to distract Robbie for a while with an activity and a few minutes approached him with my arms open. He came to me and apologised. I asked him to apologise to Glen too but Glen told him that it was obvious that he didn’t mean it and besides he was too angry to accept his apology. I suggested Glen went to the supermarket to get some bread and left Robbie to his activity. When Glen got back he’d calmed down enough to accept Robbie’s apology but we both had a serious talk with him explaining that no matter what he does he will continue to live with us and we will love him regardless, BUT unacceptable behaviour will have big consequences and it’s his choice whether he stays with us and has a good time or he stays with us and remains angry.

We stayed calm through dinner. When we put him to bed we told him once again what is and isn’t acceptable. We reminded him that he never once hit his foster carers so we know he can control his anger when he wants to. We also told him he’s never to hit again.

After we’d put him to bed (and consumed an inordinate amount of Nutella) we rang Annie, who -  bless her – has the patience of a saint. We know children regress when they are placed with a new family, but it feels like we’re undoing all the good work she did at managing to get him to stop being stubborn, stop fighting for control, and stop being violent. She said we’d done the right thing and what we need to do is stop reading books on attachment, stop listening to counsellors, and start being firm with him. She gave us lots of advice on how she used to deal with his behaviours, mostly by ignoring him when he was being naughty and praising him when he was being good, instead of our current approach of giving him our time and empathy regardless of what he does. She thinks that for fear that he won’t attach to us we’ve let him walk all over us. She made a point that even though she was very firm with Robbie and Robbie was very well attached to her so we shouldn’t be afraid of being firm. She also thinks Robbie IS attached to us already anyway. Considering how little we appear to have managed when it comes to dealing with Robbie’s anger, we are very tempted to follow her advice.

The rest of the evening was spent with the usual mix of knowing in your head that you’ve done the right thing but feeling racked with guilt that somehow we weren’t able to stop it from getting that bad. We wanted Robbie to have a great birthday party and now it won’t happen. We are so disappointed. But at the same time he cannot continue being violent and he’s got to learn that there are very serious consequences for it.

Tuesday 16th November (day 213): Learning to back down again

This morning we had a really good routine and Robbie got ready in record time. He even did his homework after breakfast without any hassle. While we were having breakfast he complained that yesterday afternoon we never got round to watching the end of Star Wars episode I as we had planned to. I reminded him that we'd spent the afternoon and early evening dealing with his behaviour. I then added: "all that over not wanting to read". He nodded. I asked him if yesterday's little number had anything to do with his birthday party or the invitations after all. He said no. I asked why he said it did and, honest if nothing else, he replied he'd said it because I said it first. So much for wondering out loud and trying to guess their reasons! He’d had me for a fool and got me wrapped around his little finger. Credit to Annie, his foster carer, for spotting that from many miles away!

He had a surprise in store after he got dressed, though. He went downstairs and turned the TV on as he usually does when he's ready, but I followed him and reminded him that we never actually read his book last night, so we had to do that. He gave me a look that pretty much said "you're welcome to try, but if you think I'm going to read you've got something else coming". Indeed, a couple of words in he "stumbled" on a word he "couldn't" read. I said to him I knew perfectly well he could read it and I was giving him one chance only to do so: if he chose not to read it well there would be no Wii tonight. I told him I would take the next word that came out of his mouth as his final answer. He pretended to ponder this for a few seconds and then read the word perfectly. I congratulated him and empathised with how hard it must have been to back down. From then on we read the rest of the book without a fuss, leaving only the last page - which was a much longer text on dinosaurs at the end of the story - as we were running out of time.

After I dropped him off at school I thought a bit more about the events of the last couple of days. I was disappointed that he’d chosen to lie and manipulate me. I like to think that he’s settled and pretty much attached and then he does these things and I realise there’s a very long way to go. Like I said in a comment, another thing that infuriates me is that I know that many adopted children struggle with school (academically and socially) and at making friends. Robbie doesn’t, and it seems so wrong for him to use that to manipulate me.

When I picked him up from school we went direct to the gym, where he played football for an hour and then we got into the pool. We both really enjoyed swimming and had plenty of opportunities to laugh and be silly together. Robbie even dared to swim unaided a lot further than he ever has before.

We drove home and I asked him to read the last page from his book. He "stumbled" on the second word so I said the same thing as this morning and it worked again. After he'd finished reading he had his 20 minutes on the Wii as promised while I cooked dinner.

After dinner I read to him for a bit and put him to bed. Just before his good night kiss I congratulated him on being good all day. I also told him if he should wake up like he did last night he should stay in bed and try to go back to sleep, not get up and say that he'd had a nightmare when he hadn't. He half-heartedly claimed he really had had a nightmare but I just looked at him and he admitted he hadn't.

It's been really nice to spend a nice day together. It really feels like we've take a step in the right direction with all this reading nonsense and I hope he continues along the path he took today. I would be very nice if we could get over this particular hurdle, as it's been going on for quite a while now. Here's hoping!

Monday 15th November (day 212): Scared boy with low self-esteem or master manipulator?

A long post to describe a very long and eventful day.

The day started really well. We did his morning routine in a playful mood and he did everything (bath, breakfast, getting dressed, school run) without so much as a frown.

After I'd dropped him off at school I rang Miranda to discuss a problem with birth family contact arrangements. While I was away, Robbie’s local authority sent us back the copies of all the letterbox contact contracts and Glen spotted that Sarah, Robbie's social worker, had made an amendment to birth mother's contract. Sarah's added that birth mother is allowed to send Robbie gift vouchers, which she hadn't told us about and we'd failed to spot when we signed them (hers was the last one we received and foolishly we assumed it was the same as the rest and we just signed the back page after a quick glance). I told Miranda we’re not happy about it for a number of reasons. The obvious one is that we don’t want her money, but there’s plenty of others. We don’t want Robbie to look forward (should that ever happen) to his birth mother’s letters just because they may contain vouchers but because of their content. I also don’t want Robbie to have a special toy or whatever he buys with the vouchers that he can then say was a gift from his birth mother. She’s not going to buy his affection. Although she will always be his birth mother she is no longer his parent. Thankfully Miranda agreed completely and promised to get in touch with Sarah to find out what happened there. While we were on the topic of birth parents’ contact, I asked Miranda how she felt about birthday and Christmas cards. I wasn’t sure whether we should pre-empt any possible issues and just tell Robbie he shouldn’t expect any cards from his birth parents. While he was in foster care he received birthday and Christmas cards from both of them and I don’t want the lack of a card to ruin either occasion. Miranda thinks he may well have better things to think about now that he’s in a new home and if we mention them we’ll only be giving him an excuse to play up, so best not to.

In the afternoon I picked Robbie up from school and he showed me a birthday party invitation he’s received. I panicked for a moment and then realised it’s not for the same day as his birthday party, but the day after. This made me realise we really needed to get his invitations sorted out (Glen was supposed to do them with him last Saturday, but then Robbie chose to mess that up). When we got home Robbie had his snack, did his spellings, wrote his daily sentence and did his maths homework like a dream. When we were done I asked him whether he wanted his Wii time before or after writing his birthday party invitations and he chose before. He said he wanted me to play with him and I spent the next 20 minutes being thrashed at the same games I used to beat him at! We had a really good time, though, and Robbie was fine when the timer went off to indicate the end of Wii time.

At that moment I realised I’d completely forgotten that Robbie was supposed to do some reading as part of his homework. I told him we’d have to do it before the invitations. He wasn’t keen, but picked up his book. Then he pretended to stumble over the word "huge", which I know he knows how to read. First he came up with was “hug” (a reasonable possibility), then “humongous” (confirmation that he knew the word and was looking for synonyms). I was about to just quit reading and not get drawn into it when I remembered this was the third time that he’d played up before doing the party invitations, so I wondered out loud whether the invitations had anything to do with his refusal to read. Was he worrying about people not turning up? Did he think he didn’t deserve a party? Robbie insisted the invites had nothing to do with it, but got really angry. As nothing I said seemed to work I rang Annie, his foster carer, and told her what I thought. I thought if Robbie was going to admit something like that to anybody it would be her. She managed to calm him down and got him to promise he would read well, but didn’t get to the reasons behind his behaviour.

After we spoke to Annie we tried reading the word again but he wasn’t having it, so I called Annie back to let her know Robbie hadn’t meant his promise. She spoke to him again. She mentioned the party and said if Robbie had behaved like that with her he wouldn't have a party at all. I was confused. Was that her way of telling me that I should warn Robbie that his birthday party might be in jeopardy if he played up? When the conversation finished we tried one more time and Robbie still claimed he couldn’t read the word and became quite agitated, so I told him he could have five minutes on his own to think about it. This bought me some thinking time.

I felt like I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. I thought this was similar to when he tried to get himself punished without football when he was embarrassed to see the coach after the car door incident. On the one hand Robbie was trying his hardest to get himself a big consequence. On the other hand if I took the party away it would only confirm his fear that he didn’t deserve it in the first place. I gave Glen and quick ring and we decided he would have it no matter what he said or did.

I tried to reason, empathise... anything to get him to read the word so we could move on. Nothing worked and Robbie got more and more distressed. In the end I ended up adopting the holding position on the sofa and told him I wouldn’t release him until he said the word. He tried every trick in the book: “I don't know!”, “can't remember!”, “you're hurting me!”, “you hate me!”, “I hate you!”, “I'm going to kill you!”, “I don't want to live here!”, “you don't want me to live here!”. I responded to everything with a simple “I know it’s your anger talking and not you, so that’s OK”. He tried crying and I didn’t budge. Then he tried apologising so I said "if you really are sorry you'll back down and say the word". No. He tried everything all over again with insults, apologies, crying, threats, spitting, pleading to be let go... I always gave him the same answer "if you really are sorry you'll back down and say the word". At one point I actually doubted if I was completely wrong and he really didn't know the word. I tried to get him to say it again. “H-u-g-e”. He tried “hand”, “head”, and then “hu...g”. It only proved to me that he knew but he wouldn’t say.

We were both sweating like pigs, him trying to wrestle out of my holding position every few seconds and me holding him still. He finally said he’d tell you if I let him go. I told him it had to be the other way around. No good. I tried something else and talked to him about how I knew that at his foster carers he learnt how to back down. Could he do it again? No.

After an hour he finally gave in and said "huge". I was so relieved. It had taken that long but he’d backed down. I gave him a big hug and told him how proud I was of him. I said I knew how hard he finds it to back down and he’d done very well.

Automatically it was as if a dark cloud had lifted and we had a great dinner. Then we wrote the party invitations together in a really playful mood again. Since he was calm and we were done I prodded again: why did he do all this? He wouldn't tell me. He kept saying he just didn’t want to read. I reminded him of other times when he wouldn't say what was worrying him and then it was better once he did. Nothing. I knew there was something and we'd never get such a good chance so I said I really wanted to know and if necessary we’d spend another hour in the holding position. He then told me: he was afraid that nobody would come to his party. I felt so sorry for him and was so glad I’d insisted. I told him he’s a really popular boy and reminded him he's been invited to plenty of other parties and playdates. I added that if someone can't come for any reason we'll invite someone else. He seemed happy with this.

When I put him to bed I reminded him that he deserves to be loved. I told him it's not his fault he can't live with his birth family and how it’s their fault for treating him badly. I said they missed out on bringing up the most wonderful boy and we are lucky to have him. I added that he deserves love and a good family and we love him and always will no matter what he does.

After I shut his bedroom door I was relieved. Despite a really hard day I was glad that we’d got to the bottom of it and he’d gone to bed reassured. I felt so sorry for him, doubting that people would want to go to his birthday party. I cursed his birth parents for damaging such a wonderful little boy whose self esteem has been so dented he won’t allow himself to believe he is likeable and lovable.

I decided to speak to Annie again to let her know that it had all ended well and how I’d got to the reasons for Robbie’s behaviour. She listened to me but told me that the Robbie she knew was well aware that he’s a popular boy who can make friends and she simply didn’t buy it. She thought it was all about control and not wanting to read, nothing more. After all, I asked him to read AFTER he’d had his time on the Wii and there was nothing in it for him. When I mentioned the birthday party and his fears she said that was just an excuse I’d given him on a platter. I was baffled. I must admit for the first time I actually didn’t trust in something she’s said. I couldn’t believe Robbie would play me like that.

While I had her on the phone I mentioned the voucher and card situation and she said that he shouldn’t be expecting a card from his birth parents. Apparently last year she told him that he’d probably have been adopted by his next birthday and his birth parents wouldn’t be able to send him any cards. She agreed to only deal with it if he brings it up and not try to pre-empt it.

I rang Glen and after a lengthy summary (much like this account) he agreed with Annie about Robbie’s motivation. I still didn’t want to believe.

At midnight I was still awake and as I went past Robbie’s door I accidentally made a noise. He came out two minutes later to tell me he'd had a nightmare. He didn't look scared or teary like he normally does when he's had one, though. Despite this I hugged him to show him empathy. I said it must have been really scared and then asked what them nightmare was about. He didn't know. Hmmmm… I just said “ok”, took him back to bed and told him not to get up anymore. I saw through this one. He’d woken up and rather than go back to sleep he thought he’d get a cuddle and some sympathy. What if the day’s events had been as transparent as that but I just hadn’t seen it?

I was awake half the night turning it all in my head. Maybe I did put the words into his mouth after all. And I had “threatened” to make him sit on the sofa for another hour unless he gave me an explanation. Had he just said what I “wanted” to hear to avoid that? I just didn’t want to believe it. Can he really be that good at manipulating me? If so I’d really played into his hands. By the end of the evening I had been at his bedside telling him how special he is, how it’s not his fault and we love him and he shall have his party no matter what! 

A nice feature on “modern men” including a single gay adopter.

I like what Patrick has to say about the fact that prejudices against men adopting have to do with gender rather than (in his case and ours) sexuality, although I do think sexuality is an issue for some people as well (Daily Mail anyone?).  

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/lifestyle/8050398/The-many-faces-of-modern-man.html

Sunday 14th November (day 211): A nice welcome

I had originally booked my return flight from Spain for tomorrow but then Glen realised that he needed to be away for work and there was no-one to drop off or pick Robbie up from school, so I had to change my flight to today. Thanks to a well-known airline I spent three hours longer than I should have in a cramped departure gate and by the time I arrived back in the UK it was almost Robbie's bedtime. Despite this, Glen and Robbie dutifully came to pick me up. As soon as I came through the gate Robbie ran up to me and jumped into my arms. He just wouldn’t let go and kept coming back for more hugs each time I put him down. I was so pleased to see him and to have such a welcome. He seemed genuinely happy to see me. I must go away more often! : )

We had a quick bite to eat and then made our way home. By the time we got here there was only time to give Robbie his present (I got him a Spanish / English visual dictionary which he liked) and get him ready for bed. This time it’s Glen’s turn to go away so he said goodbye to Robbie until he comes back on Wednesday. Robbie complained that he never gets the two of us at the same time any more, a slight exaggeration on his part…