Thursday 30th September (day 166): Therapy?

Glen did the morning routine today. All was going well until Robbie lost it over nothing (the adverts on the TV programme he was watching). He screamed at Glen and got angry. I came downstairs and got Robbie to try jumping up and down as a way to calm down. It worked for about a minute and then he snapped at Glen again, refusing to take his morning fruit snack and water bottle. On the way to school he continued to be horrible to Glen until Glen stopped the car and told him that since he could not manage his anger we’d have to go and see someone to help him do that. We have been talking about the possibility of asking for some therapy for the last few days and Glen was very reluctant, but obviously today he just found it too much and changed his mind. I wish he’d consulted with me before telling Robbie, but it’s out of the bag now I guess. Robbie screamed that he didn’t need help to control his anger (the irony!) and went into school still cross with Glen.

Miranda came to visit us today to prepare for our review meeting next Monday and go through the adoption order form. We discussed some of the behaviours and she agrees that “time in” is appropriate when he’s distressed and feeling that his needs aren’t being met, but that when his anger is the “little Nero” type (ie not getting your way, using Margot Sunderland’s terminology) we’re not helping by giving his behaviour our attention.

When I picked Robbie up from school he seemed to be in a good mood. I agreed to stop in the park for 5 minutes and then we drove home. He wasn’t happy that he had to do his homework and used a few of his delay techniques, but he never got angry and in the end he did it very well. After that he read a whole book, for which he got praise and a sticker. I showed him the Adoption Order form and pointed out that what will eventually be his new surname was written on it. He was curious about it and wrote it on a piece of paper for the first time.

Glen took him to Beavers and when they got back we all had dinner together and a nice bedtime routine. We said goodnight and he was happy to say his new “I’m a nice boy and I deserve a nice family” mantra (this morning I’d made him say it and he’d done so through gritted teeth). Both Glen and I were expecting him to blow up this afternoon, so we wonder if the mention of having to talk to someone about his anger has made him think twice about it. We will still talk to Alice, the counsellor, about it next week.

Wednesday 29th September (day 165): One effing day

One effing day. That’s how long our “breakthrough” with Robbie’s anger’s lasted. Glen took him to school this morning and all was well. I picked him up in the afternoon and the two of us went to see Susan, who was now feeling better and invited us round for a quick drink and a piece of cake to celebrate her youngest son’s birthday. Afterwards Robbie reluctantly did his homework and then he read a booking so as a treat I said we could play his new Wii game together until dinner was ready.

When after half an hour Glen told us dinner would be ready in a couple of minutes I said we could have one more game and then we’d have to sit at the table. As it happened, Robbie got “killed” almost straight away and he screamed that he wanted one more go. I said “no” as I’d said that would be the last game. He got really angry and could not calm himself down, so he ended up screaming, slamming doors, and saying things he didn’t mean. When we spoke to Annie on Monday she suggested doing something active when he’s angry, so Glen made him go up and down the stairs 10 times. It didn’t really work as he saw that as a punishment rather than a way of letting off steam. When he did eventually calm down we sat down to dinner.

When we were nearly finished and he was ready to listen, I spoke to Robbie about choices and how he’d made a bad choice when he got angry instead of trying to calm down. I then drew a diagram (inspired by Annie’s advice and something we saw in Supernanny once) where he can visually see his choices when he’s angry and what he can do to help him calm down (do something like taking deep breaths, jumping up and down or climbing the stairs to let off steam - see picture). He seemed to accept this. I dare say we’ll have a chance to see if it works sooner than later… Still, he was calm for the rest of the evening and went to bed well.

This morning we booked flights to go to Spain in January. We’ll be there for epiphany, which is when the three wise men deliver presents to Spanish kids, so it should be really good. I was looking forward to telling Robbie about it, but the opportunity never arose. Maybe tomorrow.

Tuesday 28th September (day 164): He’s a nice boy and he deserves a nice family

A nice day again! I know it’s only last Saturday that we had a good day, but the last two days were so intense it felt like ages. I took him to school and when I picked him up we went to the gym (they do footie skills for kids) and then the pool. He wasn’t too keen on leaving the pool when the time came, but I just got out of the pool and he followed. Glen had cooked his favourite dinner and he loved it. Since we’d been to the pool we had to do homework after dinner, but he was OK with that too. At bedtime we made him say our new “I’m a nice boy and I deserve a nice family” mantra and he went to sleep happy. 

Monday 27th September (day 163): Shame, shame, shame

Shortly after waking up Robbie was already angry (over choice of cereal, of all things) so I gave him a choice: he could either let his anger take over, which would only lead to a consequence and to him not getting a “being good all day” sticker or he could try to keep it under control. He walked away from me for a few seconds and managed to calm himself down, so the rest of the morning routine was good although he was very quiet on the way to school.

After I picked him up we sat down to do his homework and he got so frustrated and angry about it that he stabbed my arm with his pen. It didn’t hurt and I was so gobsmacked that I didn’t actually react and just told him that it hadn’t hurt me at all. I was quite shaken by it, though: how long before an older, bigger, stronger Robbie hits me and really hurts me? How long do we really have until it’s too late to teach him to manage his anger?

When Glen came in and I told him about it he questioned Robbie and Robbie was so embarrassed and angry with himself that he lost the plot. He was beside himself with rage and despite our best efforts to calm him down he punched things, screamed, shoved Glen, threatened to punch my face and at one point even left the house and slammed the front door behind him (only to ring the doorbell a couple of seconds later and be let back in).

In the end we sat on the sofa and tried to talk to him. For the umpteenth time we told him we loved him even when he’s behaving like that and that he’s not a naughty boy. He said he didn’t understand why he’d been placed with us. I said, as I have many times before, that it was because he’s a nice boy who needed a nice family and we hoped we could be that nice family for him. He replied he still didn’t know why. I suggested getting in touch with Sarah, his social worker, to ask her why she thought he should live with us, after all she’d placed him with us. Only he never allowed me to finish my sentence because at the mention of ringing Sarah he became really tearful and agitated. I could see that he’d interpreted it as a threat to ring her so she could remove him, but no matter how I tried to explain he wasn’t listening. Eventually he just screamed in my face that he didn’t want to live with us anyway. I asked him why and he finally explained himself: “I-DON’T-DESERVE-TO!”

I had to restrain him (following the Margot Sunderland technique) so I could talk and try to get him to listen. We spent the next 10 minutes with him trying to force himself free and me telling him what a lovely boy he is, how clever, funny and loving he is, how much we love him and why he deserves to live with a nice family. All this was met with shouts denying everything I said. Eventually we got to the bottom of it and of course it was his shame at not being able to live with his birth family and the things he did when he lived with them. I can see the logic of how he perceives himself as naughty: in his foster home Robbie was taught how to live in an environment without violence and with respect for other people, something we’ve obviously continued. He learnt that hitting people was wrong. Yet he remembers hitting his siblings (as that was acceptable in his birth family home – everyone hit everyone else) and cannot understand that he was only doing what he’d been taught to do. He’s now judging his old behaviour by his new standards and he cannot reconcile them. No matter how we tried to explain this, he wasn’t having any of it so in the end we rang Annie, his foster carer, who helped us to get through to him. She calmly reminded him of how he was when he first came to live with them and everything he learnt about how to treat people. She also talked to him about his birth family and the things they used to do. Before long she had him chanting “I am a nice boy and I deserve a nice family”. Robbie calmed down, apologised and gave us lots of hugs and kisses (and meant them). As a gesture that we’re starting anew he got the Wii back.

It’s quite surreal, because once he snaps out of his moods Robbie acts as if nothing at all has happened so we had a very nice dinner and a good bedtime routine. When we put him to bed we gave him lots of hugs and kisses and made him tell us once again that he’s a nice boy who deserves a nice family.

After he’d fallen asleep I rang Annie again to thank her for her intervention. We discussed the events of the last few days. She thinks the trigger for this new wave of self-loathing comes from talking about his brother and him worrying that we’ll like his brother better than him. I think he also was very embarrassed by his own behaviour and the pile of consequences that he’d amassed (no Wii, no DS… we’d even taken his pocket money for the last two weeks to pay for something he broke in a fit of rage). It reminded us how easy it is to be blinded by the behaviours and forget about their cause. Even if on a day to day basis we “forget” what Robbie went through and what it means to him, he doesn’t. We need to remember that the little boy who’s shouting, kicking and screaming is really saying “I don’t deserve to be loved”. 

Sunday 26th September (day 162): We almost made it

We had a really good morning today. Robbie got his stickers for yesterday and was keen to continue to get more “being good all day” stickers after getting one on two consecutive days.

We had some friends over for coffee and Robbie was friendly and sociable but also played well on his own while they were here. After they went we finally put up the new shelves for his room and he loved helping out with that and the way his room looks. Later we went out to take our bikes for a service and Robbie got angry in the car park by the bike shop because I didn’t let him carry my bike. He wouldn’t listen to us and let it get worse and worse on our way home, refusing to sit on the sofa to think with us until it got to the point where he ended up punching things (so he lost the Wii for another week, one day per punch as agreed) and then whacking my leg. He’d been warned that violence would lead to his DS being taken away, so he had to hand it over to us.

It took over an hour (it seemed a lot longer than that, believe me) for him to listen to us and calm down. We explained that all he had to do at the car park was ask why he wasn’t allowed to carry my bike and we’d explained that it’s way too big for him, it was wet and slippery, and it was a busy car park. If he’d done that or listened when we tried to explain then he might have understood that we don’t say no to be horrible to him but for good reasons. Instead he’d chosen to get angry and that can only lead to everyone having a bad afternoon and to consequences. He accepted this and had a good rest of the evening. He helped out with dinner and then had a good bedtime routine. When we put him to bed we explained that to get his DS back he’ll have to get 21 “being good all day” stickers.

Thinking about it afterwards we realised that we’d backed ourselves into a corner. His favourite privileges have been taken away. Every single morning, when he normally would play with his DS for 10 minutes, he’s going to remember that he can’t have it. Yes, hopefully this will make him think twice about hitting again, but it means that every morning he’s going to be reminded that he did something wrong, fuelling his feeling of being naughty and undeserving of love and quite probably his anger too. To top that he hasn’t got his Wii either, so he won’t have the incentive to do his homework well and gain some Wii time. In a way it’s nice that we can encourage play with non-screen things (he’s been doing a lot more colouring lately) but he can’t have what he likes best, and returning his game consoles is not an option. When I asked Alice about this she said Robbie’s not yet ready / mature enough to understand flexibility in that sense and if we reversed a consequence it would only make us look weak in his eyes and make him think that consequences are not that bad. We’re supposed to help him learn to manage his anger and quite frankly tonight it feels like we’re only helping to fuel it.

Saturday 25th September (day 161): Another good day

With Glen still away, Robbie came into the bedroom this morning and we had a cuddle and tickling games. His teddy bear and my teddy bear had a conversation and mine told his that he thinks Robbie gets angry because he thinks he’s being told off when we tell him not to do something and then he thinks he’s naughty. Robbie’s teddy agreed, so my teddy told his that kids are asked not to do certain things all the time, and that doesn’t make them naughty. Robbie and his teddy accepted this, so we went downstairs, had breakfast, got Robbie dressed in his sports kit, and went to the station to pick Glen up on the way to football training.

While he was at football I had a call from Martin (Robbie’s eight-year old brother) and his adoptive mum to say that the birthday present we sent for him had arrived and he liked it very much. We decided to try and arrange a Skype video session so the kids can chat to one another soon.

I also spoke to our friend Susan. We were supposed to be going to one of her kids’ birthday party today, but she wasn’t feeling well and cancelled. She and Gavin are struggling with attachment issues with the oldest of the three kids that were placed with them and we had a chat about some of the strategies we’ve used with Robbie.

After football Glen took Robbie for an eye test and when they got back we had lunch and a nice afternoon doing jobs such as putting away the garden furniture until next summer. After that we took our bikes out and went blackberry picking so Glen can make more yummy jam. Robbie ate more blackberries than he put in the basket! We all had a really nice time and enjoyed doing something active out in the fresh air.

When we got back we had dinner and after a story Robbie went to bed. We were able to praise him for managing to be good all day and helping out and he went to sleep happy.

Friday 24th September (day 160): Bad dad!

This morning I tried the sticker strategy again but with a reward / consequence twist, so after giving Robbie his stickers for behaving well at school and beavers yesterday I said I really hoped that he would be able to get his “being good all day” sticker today. I added that if he was good in the morning we’d go swimming in the afternoon and if he was good in the evening he’d go to football training on Saturday morning (the implication being that if he wasn’t those treats would be taken away, but that’s not how I put it).

We had a really good morning until we got to school and we saw that everyone else was dressed in plain clothes. We’d both forgotten it was a non-uniform day in aid of charity! I said to Robbie I was sorry I’d forgotten and he just said “I don’t care” but he really did and you could see it in his face. I spoke to his teacher and agreed that I would bring some plain clothes before assembly (yes, we were due back for another school assembly today as his class were doing a performance). I came home, got a bag ready, and left the house with plenty of time to get there before the assembly started. I wasn’t counting on my car battery going flat! I rushed back inside, found Glen’s car keys and took his car. I raced towards the school only to see the level crossing barriers between our house and the school come down just as I approached! Not my morning! I still made it in time for the performance, but Robbie had to perform in uniform when every other kid in the school wasn’t. I felt like a really bad dad! First for forgetting and then for being unable to get his clothes to him on time. I know, I know, everyone’s done it. But I really didn’t want it to be today. Robbie seemed OK about it though and at the end of the performance came to give me a big hug. I explained what had happened and he was glad I’d brought the clothes and he could get changed for the rest of the school day.

After school I picked him up and took him to the gym with me. I’ve signed up for a gym that has a crèche for kids so he can play and then we can go swimming together. I probably need to clarify at this point that I’ve been to my old gym ONCE in the past year (although I do like to go swimming when I get a chance) but I’m hoping that now that it’s something we can do together maybe we can make it once a week. He played in the crèche while I had an induction and then we went swimming. To anyone wishing to connect with their adopted kids I would recommend this. The fact that you can provide a pair of arms that will support them when they’re sinking provides plenty of hugging opportunities and makes kids see you as a comfort / safety provider! We had a really good time even though he fell over in the showers and cut his knee.

After swimming we went to get a pizza treat from the supermarket and things took a turn for the worse. I reminded him that we’d agreed that he’d do his spellings when we got back and to top that I then mentioned that we’d be having some salad with our pizza. Well, I might as well have said I was planning to torture him for the reaction I got. I had to remind him that we’d had a treat going swimming, he’d been good all day so far and we didn’t want to spoil that. Although he moaned and grumbled, he managed to keep his temper under control. I also had a more relaxed frame of mind and instead of going direct for the warning I explained how we all have to do certain things even if we don’t like to.

When we got home and he sat down to do his spellings he did get very annoyed and answered back at me a couple of times. Then he started growling, so I gave him a warning and reminded him that we were aiming for a “good all day” sticker and football tomorrow. It worked and he finished them just as dinner was ready. I asked him what he wanted to drink and he said he wanted water. I was a little puzzled as he normally prefers a juice or squash and when I asked a bit later he said he’d asked for water because that’s what he deserved. I asked what he meant and he said that he’d answered back at me while he was doing his homework, so he didn’t deserve any juice! I explained that if he’d deserved a consequence I’d have given it to him and he’s not to decide whether he deserves a cup of juice or not. As I type this I realise I should have just got up and given him a juice, but it didn’t occur to me at the time.

After he’d got ready for bed I picked up his book and pointed at the two words he’d pretended to stumble over for the last two nights. He read them without hesitation and I said “so you can read them after all”. He nodded. I left it at that and read for a bit before kissing him good night.

I’m really pleased we’ve managed a whole day without any consequences and he’ll be able to get a “good all day” sticker in the morning. They really help his self-esteem and he really could do with a little boost at the moment. When he says things like he doesn’t deserve a cup of juice you remember just how low it is and how little he thinks of himself.

Thursday 23rd September (day 159): Catch 22

This morning I gave Robbie his sticker for being good at school yesterday and then told him we expected him to get sticker for being good all day today. He replied that he didn’t think he could get it and I reminded him of all the stickers he got for it on his last chart.

While we were having breakfast a song came on and he said he remembered his birth father used to play it. What was interesting was that he referred to both his birth parents by their first names (as Glen and I refer to them) rather than as “my old mum and dad” as he’s always done.

He seemed to be doing better today at keeping his anger under control but he did snap at me at one point and he had a warning. Thankfully he was fine for the rest of the morning until I dropped him off at school.

We were back there only an hour later for the school assembly. We’d been invited to attend because Robbie had been given a teacher’s award (for spelling no less – oh how different he is at school than at home…). He smiled when he saw us and at the end he came to give us a hug. We told him how proud we were of him.

When I picked him up in the afternoon we went straight home as it was Beaver’s night. He’d asked if he could go to the park and I had to remind him that we can’t stay in the park because of Beavers, but this made him cross and he had to have a warning for shouting at me. We managed to get through his spellings without a fight, but by the time we started to read he got frustrated and started shouting again, so he had to sit on the sofa for six minutes. Once again he was annoyed that I stayed with him during his “time in” and he worked himself up so much that he started punching himself. He had to have a consequence for that and lost some more Wii days for it, which only served to make him even angrier. He had calmed down by the time Glen took him to Beavers though.

When they got back we took Glen to the station as he’ll be working away until Saturday morning. As soon as Glen was out of sight, Robbie moaned “I’m stuck with you until Daddy comes back”. When we came home we had a good dinner and then he got ready for bed. He tried to read some of his bedtime story and for reasons better known to himself once again he started pretending that he couldn’t read words that I know he can read. I told him if he was going to do that we wouldn’t read any more and he got angry again. I tried reasoning with him. He admitted that he could read the words he’d pretended to struggle with. When I asked him why he does it he could not give me a reason. I explained that for the last two nights that’s been the reason he’s gone to bed angry and no-one was happy about it, not us and not him, so I asked him to think again before doing it. He was still angry when I kissed him goodnight though.

It’s a no-win situation and a vicious circle that we seem to be stuck on. If he doesn’t get a “being good all day” sticker he believes he’s naughty and acts accordingly. If he misbehaves we have no choice but to give him a consequence and he doesn’t get a sticker for good behaviour. We try hard to distract him and calm him down before his behaviour gets so bad that he needs to be given a consequence, but at the end of the day we also need to keep the boundaries or this will be mayhem. I’ve told him that I’ll take him swimming tomorrow if he’s good and I really hope there aren’t any terrible outburst and we can make it as it’ll give us a chance to have fun together. Fingers crossed.

Wednesday 22nd September (day 158): Rollercoaster Robbie

It was up, down and all around today. Soon after breakfast Robbie snapped at Glen over a DS game, but then he was fine until Glen dropped him off at school.

When I picked him up he got angry that he couldn’t play in the park (a consequence of yesterday’s shouting during homework) and we had a 15-minute session just outside Tesco with me trying to co-regulate with him and get him to take deep breaths and calm down and Robbie threatening to punch me, walking off, shouting… I love these outbursts in public (not). I’m sure they are karmic payback for every time I looked down on other parents whose children were shouting in public. Blame the parents, I used to say! Now I know better, I say blame the parents unless the child is adopted! : )

After he’d calmed down we did the shopping and then I took him for a haircut, which he loved as the hairdresser styled it all spiky and cool (it’ll be back to normal tomorrow for school). When we got home we managed to do his homework with “only” one snapping incident and then spent half an hour on a Skype video call to my brother and his kids. Robbie enjoyed it, showed off his Spanish, and behaved throughout.

We had dinner and then he wrote a birthday card for his brother. Needless to say, the combination of having to write and the issues that come up every time he remembers him led to yet another snapping moment, but it was soon under control.

Glen arrived just in time for Robbie’s bedtime story and read to him. At the end of the chapter Robbie went to read the title of the next chapter but he was taking the mickey and pretending not to be able to read. Glen was in no mood and told him not to take him for a fool, which led to yet another outburst. Despite my attempts to patch things up he ended up going to bed angry and yelling at both of us. Pass the Nutella jar.

Earlier today I finally got hold of Sarah, who told me her conversation with Robbie on Monday had gone really well. He says he likes living here (well, he might want to show it!) and has made lots of friends. I asked her if she would agree to us travelling to Spain with Robbie either just before or just after Christmas (everyone insists Christmas must be just the three of us and here at home) and she thinks it’s a good idea so we’ll have a look for flights and see what the prices are like.

Tuesday 21st September (day 157): Life story book

We’ve been practising since the term started and for the first time Robbie did his school tie by himself this morning. He was very proud and we told him how well he’d done and what a grown-up thing to do that is. He does look very grown-up in his shirt and tie and I had a “my little boy is growing up” moment. I know it’s silly as he’s only been with us for five months, but you can see the changes. Anyway, Glen took him to school and I stayed at home and spoke to Miranda, who rang to ask how things were going. I updated her and she suggested some dates to come and see us next week to work on the adoption order application. She mentioned that she'd received a draft copy of Robbie's life story book from Sarah and would send it to us for comments.

Today we also went to see Alice for our attachment-focused counselling session. We brought her up to speed on the (lack of) success when trying to talk to Robbie during "time in". She told us to keep trying until he gets used to it. Although she understands that Robbie prefers to be left on his own when he has to sit for 6 minutes, she insists that we must stay with him and help him understand that just because he's doing time on the sofa doesn't mean he's bad, and to understand that even when he's misbehaved we still love him. This will help us form a better attachment. She also suggested we re-read "Building the bonds of Attachment" by Dan Hughes.

It was a colleague's leaving do at work so I popped into the office. Lots of people were there and everyone asked about Robbie and my return date. It was quite depressing to be back in the building again. I'm really not looking forward to going back there.

After school I picked Robbie up and took him to the park. He played there with his friends for 45 minutes and then we came home. As soon as we got in he went up to his room and I asked him to put away his pyjamas, which he'd left on the floor this morning. He shouted at me that he "always" does that and I said that he doesn't, and gave him a warning for shouting. We sat down to do his homework and when I pointed out a misspelling he shouted at me again, so he had to do six minutes on the sofa. I sat with him and talked through why he was sitting there and wondered out loud if he thought he was being told off when in fact he hadn't been told off. He takes anything “negative” that's pointed out to him (leaving his pyjamas on the floor, misspelling something) as a criticism, and cannot differentiate between "that's not right" and being told off. This time he managed to accept my sitting next to him and when the time was up he apologised and gave me a hug and a kiss. Soon we had finished all his homework and he played outside until dinnertime.

Glen was keen on catching a film at the cinema but felt guilty about leaving me alone with Robbie when I had him yesterday evening and will have him on my own again at the end of the week when he goes on a short work trip. I told him not to be silly and sent him off to the cinema, so Robbie and I ate on our own and then after the usual shower and story he went to bed.

When Glen got back we read through Sarah’s draft of Robbie’s life story book. Life story books can be quite a hard read, as they go through the events that led to being taken into care. We will have to do life story work with Robbie once he has his and it’s not something we look forward to as it will stir many memories for him, but we do understand it’s a necessary part of the process of accepting the past and understanding how and why he’s living with us. We have a few suggestions for changes and we hope Sarah will agree to discuss them.

Monday 20th September (day 156): A letter from his birth mother

I woke up this morning fearing the worst. I worried that the combination of yesterday’s outburst and Sarah’s visit may lead to a really bad day, but Robbie woke up in a good mood (as he always does, to his credit he does seem to be able to put things behind him and doesn’t wake up with a grudge) and we had a good morning.

When I picked him up from school he asked if we could go to the park. I said we couldn’t and reminded him that Sarah was coming to visit. It was a lovely sunny afternoon, and lots of the kids stayed behind to play. On the way home Robbie said it was a pity she couldn’t come on a rainy day! I set him a challenge to see if he could get changed, have his snack and get his homework done before Sarah arrived. I really wanted to avoid having to do homework after she left as any excuse is a good excuse to blow up after her visits, and doing homework is just asking for it. It worked. By the time she arrived he was nearly done with his spellings and he got to impress her with how well he did. He was very tense, as always, with a very fake smile on his face and eager to please. It’s funny because now that I know him I recognise that’s exactly how he was the day we met him.

Sarah was supposed to ask him for his views on being adopted, so I left them to chat while I busied myself upstairs for a few minutes. When I came back Sarah indicated that they’d had their chat, so I joined them for a while until Sarah left. Before she did, though, she gave me a letter from Robbie’s birth mother, which I had to put away until later.

To avoid any possible confrontation I’d planned to watch the last hour of Return of the Jedi, so we cuddled up together on the sofa and it worked a treat. In fact, it was most appropriate as the whole plot revolves around the Emperor and Darth Vader wanting Luke Skywalker to give into anger and therefore join “the dark side”. I pointed out to Robbie how he needs to make sure he keeps his anger under control to avoid the dark side!

As soon as the film was over Robbie asked if he could play outside, but dinner was nearly ready and I said no. He started to get angry and I just said to him “you’re not going to get angry about this” which amazingly worked! We had dinner and afterwards Robbie chose the next reward for his new sticker chart. Then he had a shower and we laughed together as I dried him. Glen, who’d been working away all day, arrived just in time to kiss him goodnight.

After we’d put him to bed Glen and I read the letter from his birth mother to us. In the letter she thanks us for seeing her last June and says how, despite her initial reservations, when she met us she thought we seemed really nice and she knows that Robbie will want for nothing and be loved. She then says that Robbie couldn’t have better parents than us and asks that we take good care of him. We were gobsmacked. This is the same woman who, upon being told that her son was going to be placed with two men, contacted her MP to stop the placement! Also no-one asked her to write to us, it was out of her own initiative. We were really moved and it’s the kind of letter that you can only wish for as, in years to come, we will be able to show it to Robbie and he will see that his birth mother cared for him but also that she approved of us and gave “permission” for us to parent him.

Sunday 19th September (day 155): Morning in heaven, afternoon in hell

Today was a day of two halves. In the morning Robbie came into our bedroom and we spent nearly an hour being silly, playful and playing games in bed. At breakfast we told him that Sarah, his social worker, will be coming tomorrow. Alice advised us to give him plenty of warning (so far we’ve been telling him a few minutes before she comes) and also explain that she comes to chat to us and find out what he’s been doing, so we did this. He seemed OK and didn’t say much about it.

After breakfast he had a good soak in the bath and then, off his own initiative, he went through some of his toys deciding which ones to give away. His school sent a leaflet last week asking for unwanted toys and we’d suggested he might like to do that but we never thought he would. He chose to give away some of his Bob the Builder and Thomas the Tank Engine puzzles. They are too easy for him and he’s never played with since he moved in – but still it was quite an achievement for him to decide to let go of them and we praised him for his generosity.

After that he played on his own for an hour to get the final sticker for his achievement chart. He’s supposed to get his reward when he reaches 100 stickers, but there’s a rule that you have to get 5 in each category. The categories are:

• Helping at home (he’s usually happy to help out)
• Learning Spanish (we learn a new word most days)
• Going to sleep nicely (this one used to be problematic but it’s fine now and will not appear in the next chart)
• Being good all day (this one really helps him to see that he’s not naughty and he tries hard to get it)
• Behaving well at school (we’ve never had a reason not to give him one of these and he gets one every school day, but it stays on to motivate him)
• Behaving well at beavers
• Playing well with other kids (he gets that when we go somewhere or people come to visit with their kids)
• Playing well on your own (to foster him being able to entertain himself without expecting us to provide the entertainment all the time)
• Accepting praise (still a hard one for him)
• Reading
• Writing (the two he really doesn’t like)

He really struggles with the last four categories. Because he’s so stubborn, he keeps refusing to do any reading or writing to get a sticker for it, with the result that he’d actually got 137 stickers by yesterday and only had one missing for playing well on his own, hence why he agreed to do it. He played with his remote-controlled car and did some colouring until the hour was finally over. Then, with much fanfare, he was awarded his final sticker, given the Wii game he’d asked for as a reward, and told how proud we were of his achievement. We also told him that as a treat we could try his new game and play together for a whole hour when we got back from doing some shopping.

We needed to get Robbie a new PE top and jumper for school, so we went to a nearby shopping centre. We also wanted to go to a toy shop to have a look for possible rewards for his next achievement chart. Robbie was fine looking around the shops at first, but then he got tired and impatient as he wanted to get home so he could play with his new game. While we walked around, he kept pulling the collar and sleeves of his t-shirt (at one point the collar was stretched to his shoulder). We asked him not to do that and he stopped briefly, but kept starting again. The first couple of times we told him he reacted OK, but then he got a bit grumpy. I explained he wasn’t being told off, just being asked not to do something. After being told five times in the next few minutes (two by Glen, three by me) I warned him that if he didn’t stop we wouldn’t have the hour on the Wii today. One minute later he was stretching his sleeve again so I gave him a warning look.

There and then he lost it. He was annoyed with himself for doing it again and reacted by screaming at us. It was really frustrating for him and for us, because he completely overreacted. The fact that he was doing this outside Mark and Spencer and people were looking didn’t help. I knelt down to talk to him and explain that when he’s asked to stop doing something five times and then given a warning and he continues to do it, there has to be a consequence for his actions. He wouldn’t listen. I gave him a hug and tried to co-regulate with him. I told him to calm down and we’d go to the toy shop as we’d promised and he screamed that he didn’t want to go any more, so we said “fine” and started making our way back. He got even angrier and it just escalated. No matter what we tried he got more and more out of control until he started punching himself. We each grabbed one of his hands and pretty much dragged him back to the car. I dread to think what we must have looked like. I’m surprised no-one stopped us thinking we might be abducting him!

When we got home we tried everything: explanations, hugs, cuddling, reassurance… nothing seemed to work. He’d calm down for a couple of minutes and explode again. Glen tried consequences and he lost the Wii for the week, but nothing. Every time it got worse and worse: he called me an idiot (he’s never insulted me before), told me he wanted to throw me out of a window, banged the furniture with his lightsabre and then started punching himself. Glen tried to restrain him and cuddle him but he wouldn’t stop. I finally told him that for every punch he’d lose the Wii for another day and he stopped doing that but continued screaming at Glen. Glen told him to scream as loud as he wanted but it wouldn’t change a thing: we weren’t going to shout back, hit him, or give up on him. I said that even when he behaves like that we still love him, but he wasn’t taking it.

We told him to sit on the sofa until further notice and gave him the option of having a book to read, but he chucked it across the room and continued shouting, so we told him he’d be sent to bed if he didn’t stop. Glen tried to reason with him again. Robbie was red in the face, screaming at Glen and beyond control. He was clearly not going to co-regulate and so I told him that I’d had enough: I was going to switch the TV on and watch the X-Factor, which I’d recorded the day before. If he wanted to he could sit with me or he could just sit on the sofa and do nothing. I told him it was not a treat and we wouldn’t be watching a film or any cartoons. He’d told me the other day he didn’t like the X-Factor (I think he’d watched it with the neighbours before) so I thought it would be a distraction but not a treat. Glen took himself upstairs. We watched for 40 minutes and he was calm, cuddling up to me and offering his opinions on the contestants. Glen came down and I could see in his face that he wasn’t happy. I sneaked out and talked to him: although he acknowledged that it had worked, he thought Robbie would perceive watching TV as a treat, which is the last thing he deserved. I sat back down and when the next ad break came I turned off the TV and explained to Robbie that now that he’d calmed down he still needed to do his time on the sofa and then he’d be going to bed. He wasn’t happy about it but agreed. When the time finished we gave him a quick dinner and sent him to brush his teeth.

We put him into bed without a story and then talked to him again about the events of the day and what his behaviour had led to. He seemed to be listening and we kissed him goodnight. We were about to leave when he announced he needed a poo and tried to get out of bed. I said that he’d pulled that trick to delay bedtime before and we weren’t about to fall for it, which only made him angry again. Frustrated, he hid under the covers and we turned out the light and left him to it. We had really hoped he could at least go to sleep a bit calmer, but it hadn’t worked.

Glen and I were exhausted and frustrated. We had been looking forward to Robbie getting his sticker chart reward and spending an hour playing together, but we can’t let him get away with not listening and doing what he wants instead of what he’s asked to do no matter how much we want him to have a good day.

After we’d sat down (and consumed an inordinate amount of chocolate) we remembered that Sarah’s coming tomorrow. We’re not sure if his behaviour today had anything to do with telling him about her visit (although maybe it did make him nervous / stressed and contributed to it?) but she’s supposed to ask him how he feels about being adopted by us in preparation for the review in a couple of weeks’ time and after today who knows what he’ll say.

Saturday 18th September (day 154): A fantastic day at Beaver camp!

Glen took Robbie to Beaver camp today, where they stayed all day. I hardly saw them as they left at 8.30 and came home late. Glen told me that Robbie got on well with everyone, had a great time playing lots of games and exploring the forest, and even sang songs around the camp fire! When they got back Robbie was asleep in Glen’s arms. We quickly got him changed into his pyjamas and put him to bed. He was filthy and smelt of bonfire smoke, so he’ll need a good soak in the morning.

Friday 17th September (day 153): Contact with birth family workshop

This morning Glen got Robbie ready and then we all left together so Glen could drop me off at the station on his way to school. I went to a workshop in London organised by the Post Adoption Centre (PAC) titled “Living with Contact”, which Robbie’s Local Authority agreed to pay for when I suggested it might be a good idea for one of us to attend. This is because Glen and I wanted some ideas on how to prepare Robbie for future contact and manage the fallout from contact after it happens (you may remember Robbie became quite unsettled and violent after his contact session with his siblings last July). Also, one thing that’s been bugging us is that contact with his siblings is meant to encourage them to maintain a relationship but we’ve never understood how seeing someone for two hours once a year helps to achieve that. The way we see it either you don’t do it at all or you do it often enough (3 or 4 times a year) for the kids to really maintain a meaningful relationship.

The workshop facilitator has done research on contact post adoption and worked at PAC for a number of years. She presented a lot of research findings from studies of adopted children in the last 40 years and everyone was encouraged to discuss their own cases. There were only 12 people, so it was really hands-on.

The main theme was that in these times of open adoptions, when children are aware of being adopted and a lot of life story work is undertaken, contact should always be encouraged as long as it’s safe. The benefits of maintaining contact with birth parents include answering questions about the child’s origins, dispelling fantasies, helping the children accept their past and reassuring them that their birth family is OK. There are also risks that could compromise the placement, wounds can be reopened, it can lead to a regression, and there may be disappointment to cope with. Research has shown that direct contact doesn’t interfere with attachment to adopters and children who kept direct contact were less likely to want to “return home” when they reach adolescence or adulthood.

This provided really interesting food for thought and when we have a moment Glen and I will have to sit down and discuss it. One thing that I hadn’t really considered was that contact with birth parents can be reopened a few months / years after placement. The presenter suggested we question why the birth parents were denied any contact. I must say I would need to find out a lot more about contact before I consider reopening it with Robbie’s birth parents. We are quite keen to facilitate more contact with his siblings, though, as we can see the long-term benefits even if it causes upset before and after. On this matter the presenter actually said that the fallout from contact, although hard to cope with, is an excellent opportunity to bond with the child at a time of anxiety.

When I got back from the workshop we all had dinner together. Robbie told me that he got 10/10 in his spelling test (he got a spelling sticker for that) and also he’s been given a teacher’s award for effort! (he got extra time on the Wii for that). We really feel lucky with how well he’s doing at school as we know that other adopted kids (and their parents) really struggle. A really good thing with these achievements is that Robbie can accept praise about something “tangible” like a test score or a piece of paper that says he got an award and it helps boost his self esteem: he didn’t shake his head when I told him how proud I was and he even nodded when I asked him if he was proud of himself! The sticker chart really helps with this as well: when we were putting stickers on, Robbie commented on how many “being good all day” stickers he’s got and I was able to say “because you’re a good boy” without getting a denial for a response.

A gay adoption blog?

The last post was my 400th. I did a quick word count and it would appear that I’ve written about 200,000 words since I started this blog in 2008 (a friend of mine says I’m full of words inside and they just come out and I’m beginning to believe it’s true). I never thought when I started it that I would write so much of that I’d make such a commitment to a daily update.

I was thinking about the nature of this blog and wondering: is this a gay adoption blog? It may sound like a silly question. Yes, we are gay dads and yes, we’ve adopted (well not officially yet but you know what I mean) but very little of what I’ve written since Robbie was placed with us has had to do with being gay. During our assessment and matching processes it was an issue, but now that Robbie’s here the fact that he’s being brought up by two men doesn’t seem to be a big deal. Certainly at school, where we worried so much about how other kids and parents might react, we’ve never noticed any negative reaction and nothing’s ever been said to our faces. That, unfortunately, is bound to change as the kids get older and may be an issue when he moves to middle school, but so far so good. I feel like contacting the Pope or the Daily Mail and saying: “look, a gay couple have adopted a boy and the world hasn’t ended!” but I fear something would happen then. I guess my point is that it’s become so normal to us and to Robbie that it’s not really the major issue that we thought it might be (so far) and my daily ramblings are about adoption and not necessarily gay adoption. We’ve not had to endure any hostility from school, neighbours, or passers-by. Everything is just “normal” (as far as adoption is “normal” to anyone’s life).

Isn’t that the most wonderful thing?

Thursday 16th September (day 152): “I want a brother”

This morning during breakfast I had a chat with Robbie about overreactions and how silly it is to get so upset over little things like being told that you’ve not drank all your water. He seemed to take it well and listen to what I was saying.

We’ve received letterbox arrangement contracts from Robbie’s birth father and paternal grandmother for us to sign. They agree to send a letter once a year at a time that’s not sensitive (i.e. not near Christmas or his birthday) and we’ll do the same.

I’ve also arranged my return to work for the first week of December. I really am not looking forward to it, as I’m anything but rested and adding the stress of work to the stress at home may not be the best thing. On the other hand it may have a good effect on my relationship with Robbie. I shall miss having the time to take him to the park after school and being free thereafter though. It’s completely unrealistic for me to be off much longer though, and now that I’m on statutory adoption pay it’s suddenly become quite clear that I need to return sooner than later!

When I picked Robbie up he pretended not to remember that he wasn’t allowed to go to the park today and told me that he’d decided that it’s best not to go to the park on the days that he has Beavers. I had to smile to myself. That’s such a British thing to say. Anything to avoid talking about the elephant in the room… I was quite glad of “his decision” as I was dreading a scene. When we got home we did his homework together really well and then he read a whole book in one sitting (he had chosen rather an short book from the school library, but credit where it’s due). Like I said yesterday, the book was titled “I Want a Sister”. As we were reading Robbie said he’d like a brother. I replied that he already has a brother, but he meant he’d like us to adopt another boy that he could play with. I thought back to the time when we were determined to have a sibling group and how he was really the first “single” boy that we seriously enquired about. I told him that if we adopted another boy he’d have to share a room with him and the other boy would need our attention, but he seemed to be keen on the idea. It’s not something we’re willing to consider for many reasons, so I hope he doesn’t hang on to that thought for long.

After we finished reading it was time to go to Beavers so Glen and Robbie left. I took the opportunity to go swimming for the first time since July and enjoyed my time away from the house. When they got back we had a quick dinner and put him to bed. He gave me a bit of attitude, but it was probably more due to the fact that we were running late and we had to rush him than anything else.

Being hard on myself: a window into Robbie's mind

My post from last Monday about feeling like an unfit parent has prompted some readers to comment and send me personal messages about how I’m not an unfit parent and I mustn’t feel that way. I guess I know they’re right (and thank you for the comments!) but that is how I felt. Like I said in the comments section I punish myself for everything I do wrong instead of celebrating what I do right. Glen tells me the same thing and so does Alice, the attachment-focused counsellor.

I was thinking about it again this morning as I received another message about it (thank you L) and it occurred to me that it must be the same for Robbie. No matter how much we tell him that he’s not naughty or bad and that he hasn’t done anything to feel guilty of be ashamed of at the end of the day it’s how he feels. In his head as far as he’s concerned there must be something wrong with him or otherwise he would still be with his birth family. He knows on one level that he wasn’t removed because of his behaviour but his birth parents’ actions, but he doesn’t fully understand it and continues to feel guilt and shame. And I do know where he’s coming from because even though I know that having a bad day, or a bad reaction, or saying the wrong thing does not make you a bad parent I still FEEL like it. My rational side may understand it, but my emotional side doesn’t. It’s like telling someone who suffers from anorexia that they’re not fat: they know you’re right, but in their heads they are.

I am learning not to be so hard on myself (although I had that relapse last Monday I'm certainly not as bad as I was when Robbie first came to live with us and I’d have sleepless nights over something I‘d said or done) and the good days really help me to see that I’m doing OK really. Will telling Robbie time and time again that he’s not bad be enough though? It may not, but we’ll continue to do it. We’ll also have to strive to help him get lots of “being good all day” stickers so that he can have the visual proof that he is good most of the time. Maybe then he’ll begin to accept that it’s not his fault that he had to go into care and learn to love himself.

Up to date!

I can’t believe I’ve managed to catch up with myself. During the holidays I let the writing routine slip and I’ve been playing catch-up since. Hopefully I’ll manage to write up and post more or less every day as it happens from now on. It’s likely that I’ll slip again at some point though, as it’s becoming a struggle to keep up with being a parent, the chores, and writing. And I should be returning to work in a few weeks’ time, which will add to the difficulty. But for now I’m up to date! Yay!

Wednesday 15th September (day 151): Cheating and shame

The morning went by without problems and Glen took Robbie to school. In the afternoon I collected him from school and we went to the park with his mates. I’d taken the football with me and they all played with it. While I chatted to some of the parents I opened his book bag to see which book he’d chosen to take home and it’s one called “I want a sister”. The other parents said he must be trying to tell us something…

After 45 minutes we set off for home. On the way back I mentioned that I needed to do some washing up and he started talking about how he used to help out drying the dishes when he lived with his old mum and dad. I asked if he was sure as he was probably too young to do that, but he insisted that he really did. You can never be sure what he actually remembers and what he thinks he remembers. He was three when he left his birth parents’ home, but whether he actually was asked to help with the dishes we may never know.

When we got home I emptied his bag and pulled out the book he’d chosen. I asked him if was trying to say something and he’d like us to adopt a girl and he said in no uncertain terms that he wouldn’t. Relief! We’re not about to start doing this all again and we and his social workers strongly believe that Robbie would not do well “competing” with another sibling.

As I finished unpacking his bag I found his water bottle, untouched since I filled it up in the morning. Making sure my tone wasn’t recriminatory I said “you haven’t drunk any your water”. This led to the usual overreaction to anything that he considers shameful. He screamed at me, had a warning, continued screaming and was asked to sit on the sofa for six minutes. As recommended by Alice, I sat with him and sympathised with him, trying to validate his feelings by saying “I know it’s annoying”, “it’s not nice when someone realises that we haven’t done something we should have done, but it’s not the end of the world”, “it’s only a bit of water so not worthy of such a reaction” etc, but Robbie just reacted by shouting at me to leave him alone and when he saw that I would not leave or shut up, but putting his fingers in his ears. As I tried to keep talking about how he wasn’t being told off, the usual “I’m not a nice boy” and “I’m naughty” came up, so I had to explain once again that not drinking his water doesn’t make him bad or naughty.

Eventually we got there, so he went upstairs to get changed, had his snack and then we started doing his school spellings. I was dictating the words to him while I cleared something in the kitchen when I turned around and saw that he was looking at the answers before writing them. I stopped and looked at him and he froze. Before I could stop to think about what I was saying I said “I’m so disappointed”. It’s true, I was really disappointed. It honestly had never crossed my mind that he’d cheat. I know there are many more disappointments to come as he grows up, but this was a real let down, mostly because he doesn’t need to look. Of course I shouldn’t have said I was disappointed because, as was to be expected, he was so ashamed at being caught out that he hit the roof, screamed, and started punching himself (something he hadn’t done it quite a while). My attempts to play it down and help him to co-regulate were met by shouts about how much I must hate him.

At that point Glen arrived and when he tried to address Robbie (after I quickly told him what had happened) he got even more abuse. We said as a consequence of cheating at his spellings he’d have to write the 10 words 5 times. Glen also reminded him that on Monday he’d told him that any upsets over homework would mean no playing in the park after school the following day. Robbie yelled that he hated Glen. Glen said that for every time he shouted he’d have to write a full sentence using words from his spelling list. Robbie kept on shouting and Glen kept on adding until they reached eight sentences. Robbie was out of control, almost hysterical and Glen took him in his arms, cuddled him and explained to him in a very calm tone how he’d brought this on himself and no amount of shouting was going to stop him from having to do his homework or the additional work he’d been given as a consequence. Robbie calmed down almost straight away. I was so impressed by how well Glen had managed to co-regulate his emotions with him.

Robbie sat down and did his spellings and then I sat with him to think of eight sentences, which I tried to make as fun as possible to dissipate the mood. It worked and we managed to laugh and still write all eight sentences. Then we read a book together and he had a sticker for doing that.

From then on peace was restored and after dinner and his story he went to bed a happy little boy again. We, on the other hand, just felt drained and headed for the biscuit tin.

Tuesday 14th September (day 150): Back to "normal"

I slept really badly and woke up tired. I was dreading waking Robbie up, worrying that he’d go straight into one as soon as he saw me, but he was all smiles and so was I. He also looked tired so I said “I think we should be allowed to sleep some more” and got into his bed. We both lay there for a few minutes having a cuddle and I nearly fell asleep! Because of our delayed start we ended up having to rush through the morning routine, but we made it to school on time.

We were back at the school half an hour later for a meeting with his class teacher. She had called a session with all the parents to explain the timetable, curriculum, etc. Glen and I were a little shocked at just how pushy some parents are, especially when it comes to SATs (for non-UK residents, that’s the tests that 7-year-olds take at the end of the school year). We spoke briefly to her teacher and she’s very happy with him and how well he’s doing, so that was great to hear. She told us that yesterday he was a little upset at being made to write a long piece of work, which may explain his mood when he left school…

Right after the meeting at the school we had our appointment with Alice, the attachment counsellor. After hearing about yesterday’s events she reminded us about self-regulation and, as Robbie’s unable to self-regulate, helping him to co-regulate with us. So basically, if he sees us calm down he will calm down. Then we discussed using “time-in” instead of “time-out”. We actually thought we were doing “time-in” by staying near him when he has to sit on the sofa, but she actually wants us to engage with him the whole time that he’s sitting on the sofa, empathising with his situation and the reasons why he’s there and validating his feelings (“I know how annoying it is to have to sit on the sofa”, “I didn’t like doing homework when I was at school either”, that kind of thing).

I was all geared up for trying all this out when I picked Robbie up from school. All was going well: we’d made it to the park, I’d taken his football with me… and then it started to rain after five minutes and I had to call him to go home. He was in a stroppy mood. I thought it was because we’d had to leave so soon, but it turns out it was because he’d had an argument with his best friend Jonathan. I said I used to have arguments with my friends too and I was sure all would be fine tomorrow, but he was still angry. I let him have some time to calm down on the drive back and thankfully it seemed to work. As soon as we got in he got changed, had his snack and then we sat down to do his homework. He wasn’t best pleased but managed to get through it without any major hiccups (he doesn’t have any problems doing the homework, he has a problem with having to do it). We even read a book together and laughed as we did so. What a change from yesterday!

As soon as he finished we rang his foster carer, who was brilliant with him as usual and reassured him that the reason that they couldn’t meet us last month as originally planned was that the babies they were looking after were poorly and not that they didn’t want to see him. She asked him how he was getting on with his homework and reminded him that he needs to do it without a fight. He really enjoyed talking to her and had a huge smile on his face. Straight after that we had a race together on the Wii kart game and then we explained that both Glen and I had things to do and so he’d have to play on his own for half an hour until dinner time (for which he earned himself a “playing well on your own” sticker).

After dinner Glen showered him (I didn’t really want to risk another bathroom moment) and then read him his story before we put him to bed. We all agreed it had been a really good day and kissed each other good night.

Monday 13th September (day 149): Back to square one

Glen and I had agreed that I would have a morning off today, so he took care of Robbie and I slept until 10, something I hadn’t done in ages. I spent the rest of the morning going through my “to do” list and managed to actually tick some items off!

When I went to pick Robbie up from school all was well. He came out without his jumper though, so I asked him to go back and get it and in response I got a frown and him stomping off to find it. When he got back he asked if he could go to the park. It had just stopped raining and while I waited for Robbie to get back all the other parents had just said that they wouldn’t be going, so I explained that to Robbie. He frowned some more and then all of a sudden he got angry. I could see it in his face so I asked him what was up. He wouldn’t say. I asked him to tell him and he started yelling there and then, by the school gate. He’s never really shouted in public before and I was mortified. I asked him to stop making a spectacle of himself and tell me what was wrong. He shouted at me that if we weren’t going to the park then we had to go home and when we got there he’d have to do his homework, and that’s why he was angry. I said that yes, indeed he got homework last Friday and he’d have to do it, but the sooner he finished it the sooner it would be out of the way and he could play. He walked away from me as I was talking and I asked him to stop. He didn’t so I gave him a warning. Still he went on, so I gave a final warning and when he kept walking I said he’d have to do six minutes on the sofa when he got back.

He didn’t say another word to me on the way back and when we got home he refused to sit and do his time. I sat him down and he ran off. We did this several times, and every time he got more and more worked up, shouting, punching and kicking the air. I could not believe what I was seeing. I had honestly forgotten what reaction the homework caused and was not prepared for it. He yelled at me to go away and I was so aware that we were both worked up that I thought that would actually be a good idea, so knowing it was OK to leave him in the house as Glen was upstairs, I picked up a couple of letters that needed posting, took my car keys, and opened the front door. Seeing me do that, Robbie panicked and tried to stop me from going. When that didn’t work he tried to follow me. In the end I had to lock the front door to stop him from going out to the street. I got in the car and suddenly Robbie appeared, trying to get in the car with me. He must have found the back door key, unlocked it, and come out. I wound the window down and told him to go back inside and then I drove off to post my letters. It only took a couple of minutes to do that, but it was long enough for me to calm down and realise that (despite the fact that he’d yelled at me to go away) Robbie must have felt abandoned by me leaving like that. How’s that for a proud moment? So much for telling him that he’ll always be with us and we love him no matter what. I must have undone so much of our hard work…

When I got back to the house Glen was in the middle of trying to get Robbie to get back inside. Once we did, Glen managed to get Robbie to sit still and do his six minutes and then told him to apologise to me, which he did. Then he got him to sit down and do his homework. Robbie, knowing that I was watching, made a point of doing it all very well and even his reading was without hesitation. Glen remarked to me how obvious it was that he was doing it to spite me.

Robbie seemed to calm down after his homework was over and we had a nice dinner. Then Glen ran a bath for him and left him soaking for a bit. Robbie wanted someone to play squirting with and kept calling out for Glen and then for me to come and play with him. I had a horrendous headache brought on by the afternoon tension and really wasn’t in the mood, but he kept calling for me to come and play and I thought it would be a nice opportunity to turn his reaction to me around plus didn’t want to appear mean so I went in to play with him. Of course, a couple of minutes later he’d squirted water all over my top and up the wall. I told him to be careful and he took it like a telling off, so he started answering back, giving me attitude. I told him to get on with washing and he shouted “no!” so I snapped. I told him I’d had enough, pulled him out of the bath, dried him, told him to put on his pyjamas and sent him to bed without a story. He was very upset and cried. Glen, who’d heard everything, came in and stood by my decision. We both told him we loved him and kissed him goodnight. He sobbed that he loved us too.

After we’d turned out his light we went upstairs and I broke down. After all the good days we’d had it felt like it was all back: antagonising me, shouting at me, defying me… I know the problem is that whenever I have to say something he interprets it as me telling off and is ashamed, so his anger kicks in. But don’t know how to stop it.

Glen tried to comfort me and reminded me that we all make mistakes. I took comfort in a jar of Nutella. I don’t think I’ve mentioned this before, but most nights after we’ve put him to bed I “need” to have a few biscuits smothered in Nutella or anything with chocolate. I don’t smoke and I hardly ever drink, so that’s my drug of choice. Despite this, I’ve lost 4 kilos since Robbie moved in!

Tomorrow will be another day and we’ll have an opportunity to start again, I know, but tonight I feel deflated, defeated and depressed. I feel guilty for snapping and unfit to be a parent.

Sunday 12th September (day 148): New Family Social get-together

Robbie woke up really tired even though he'd slept almost 12 hours. He watched some TV while I washed up and when Glen got up we had breakfast. After a bath, we set off for London for the New Family Social get together. We had actually meant to leave early so we could see a museum or something but we weren't organised enough and ended up leaving late.

Glen and I were barely speaking to one another on the way there. I was annoyed that he'd let Robbie use the cologne I'd bought him without supervision and Robbie had dropped it and smashed it. He was annoyed that I'd made Robbie have a wee before we left the house even though he claimed he didn't need one (he always says that). We were communicating in monosyllables on the way to the station and there were no seats together, so Robbie sat with Glen and I sat on my own. Thankfully by the time we got there we’d both had some “time out” and a chance to let it go. It’s just as well we’re the adults!

We went to the park where the New Family Social get-togethers take place. There, Robbie had a nice afternoon on the swings, the sand pit, the climbing frame and generally playing with other kids. We talked to a few people we hadn't seen in a while and caught up with people we'd seen at the camping trip. As always, it was nice to share stories with fellow adopters who know what you’re going through. I realise this sounds horrible, but listening to some of the terrible stories that other adopters were telling us about negligent social workers, undisclosed medical conditions and extreme behaviours made me realise just how lucky we are with Robbie. I was also full of admiration for the adopters who have to cope with stuff like that, as I’m not sure how I would.

We had a much more civilised return journey on the train, both of us taking turns to help Robbie with the activity book we’d brought. When we got back we had a quick dinner and put Robbie to bed.

Saturday 11th September (day 147): A nice visit

We'd arranged a visit from our friends Patrice and Tim and their kids this afternoon, so the plan for the morning was to get the house ready, go food shopping and then maybe do something together until they arrived. Glen got up at 9 and as soon as he heard him Robbie came out of his room to give him a big hug. I was meant to sleep in, but once I'd heard them I couldn't go back to sleep, so I got up too.

Robbie opened the presents that Glen brought him from his trip abroad. One of them was a remote-controlled car, which I wasn't too pleased about because it's very similar to the one that Robbie launched down the stairs and we'd told him we wouldn't replace because it hadn't broken by accident but by anger. Robbie was really happy with it and played with it all around the house.

Both Glen and I seemed to be unused to being back in the house together and it took us forever to get organised for breakfast. After breakfast I said that while Glen finished unpacking I would sit at the table and draw a picture for our calendar and Robbie said he'd sit with me and do some colouring. I was trying to hide the picture from him so that it could be a surprise, but when I got up to fetch something he snatched my sketch. I said it was a pity he’d looked as he’d spoilt the surprise, and he got angry with me (or rather he got angry with himself, but pointed that anger at me). Eventually he calmed down and continued colouring, but by then I’d nearly finished so my plan for us to sit doing something together didn’t quite work out.

We went food shopping and in the car he started giving us attitude, so we gave him a warning. Later, Glen and I agreed that he finds it confusing to have two people talking about what we’re going to do and “giving orders” and we must get better organised.

When we got back I had a quick telephone call with Annie, Robbie’s foster carer. They’ve been dealing with a family situation and had to cancel our planned get-together in August, so we’d let them have some space for a few weeks. She brought me up to speed and told me that the babies that Robbie used to live with have now been adopted, so Robbie won’t get to see them again. I told her about our holidays, the return to school, and the fact that when we told him that we couldn’t see them Robbie had assumed that they didn’t want to see him, so we agreed he’d speak to them early next week.

Our guests arrived. Robbie played outside with Thierry and Hugh as well as the neighbours for a while and then they moved on to playing in our garden and with Robbie’s toys for hours. The kids get on really well and every time we see them we always agree it’s a pity we don’t live a bit closer.

We had dinner and then we all played our favourite board game together until 9 pm, when our guests left. Robbie was sad to see them go and ran after their car as they were leaving! We had our bedtime story and with the exception of a brief moment of attitude he went to bed well, even if much later than usual.

Friday 10th September (day 146): Daddy comes back!

We had another good morning and after school he played in the park for a while. When we got back to the house he had his snack and then we sat down to do read some more of his school book. He stumbled over a couple of words and I could tell he was getting a bit frustrated, but it came to nothing. When we finished reading I congratulated him on reading so well and he said “I nearly got angry buy I didn't” so I congratulated him even more for managing to control his frustration and let him play on the Wii double time (40 minutes).

The neighbours came calling and they played outside and on the trampoline until dinner was ready. We normally try to eat slowly to keep up with his pace of eating (he can be quite slow sometimes) but I wasn’t thinking and finished my dinner when he was halfway through his. When he saw my plate was empty, he immediately said he was full and didn’t want any more. At this point he’d already eaten most of the main dinner and his side salad (he likes to get rid of “the worst” first) so I knew he wasn’t trying to get away from eating it. I let him get off the table and cleared his plate, but when I then had a yogurt and he said he fancied one too I reminded him that he was full and couldn’t possibly have room for it. Hopefully that’ll teach him not to say he’s full when he isn’t…

Even though it was nearly bedtime, we sat down to watch “Return of the Jedi” together while we waited for Glen to arrive. I answered the million questions he asked (no, really, it’s a question a minute: why are they doing that? Who’s that? Why’s he sitting down?) until it was time to go. As he got his coat to go outside, he said “it feels like daddy's been away 12 months, not 12 days” and I had to agree.

We made our way to the station where Glen was waiting for us (we were a few minutes late because as soon as I shut the front door I realised I’d left my keys inside and had to take a detour to pick up our spare set from Adam and Carla’s). As soon as he saw him, Robbie jumped out of the car and they had a big long hug, both of them saying how much they’d missed each other. It was really lovely.

We had agreed that as soon as we got back he’d go to bed, so when we did Robbie had his milk drink and was sent to brush his teeth. On the way, he tried to turn the lights on and switched every light on and off several times. When I said “stop playing with light switches and brush your teeth” he got all grumpy and sat on the stairs with a frown on his face. My heart sank, but I just said “Oh no, you don’t. Daddy’s only just got back and you’re not going to start getting angry with me again every time I ask you to do something”. He seemed to ponder this for a few seconds and then got up and went upstairs to brush his teeth.

When he was done, we read him a couple of pages of his story (he insisted Glen read) and we both took him to bed and kissed him goodnight.

I had an email from his brother’s adopters, agreeing to stay in touch and meet face-to-face sometime in the near-ish future. We are pleased about this as we think it will do him good with good preparation. Apparently he’s been transferred to a school for children with behavioural and emotional problems, where they hope he will do better than at his last school. Reading it made us realise how lucky we’ve been with Robbie’s school and how well he’s settled there.

Thursday 9th September (day 146): Another good day

As soon as he woke up Robbie asked me when Glen’s coming back. I think he’s fed up of seeing my face every morning! : ) After another uneventful morning I dropped him off at school and popped into my office to see a friend I was having lunch with. Everyone was really nice and asked lots of questions about Robbie and when I’m going back to work. I had initially thought of going back mid-October, but now I’m thinking of delaying it a bit longer. There’s been so much going on that I’ve yet to really have a day off. I am very tired and the thought of starting work again couldn’t appeal any less. There are financial considerations though…

I picked Robbie up and we went to the park for almost an hour, where he played football with some of the kids from his school and their dads. Afterwards I made a comment about how green the knees of his trousers looked and he obviously took it as an affront because he snapped at me and turned up the attitude dial to maximum, only replying “what-ever” to everything I said. It’s so frustrating that the smallest of comments can lead to such overreactions. I do need to get some messages across to him whether he likes it or not, and I won’t stop myself from telling him to look after his clothes even if it means that he gets annoyed. The attitude lasted all the way home (he’s so stubborn he doesn’t know how to back down sometimes) until I managed to get across to him that I wasn’t angry and he hadn’t been told off, just told to look after his trousers.

He snapped out of it and after his snack we sat down to read his school book (the reading homework started today). Before we started I told him I didn’t want anything to go wrong and that the sooner he finished the sooner he could play on the Wii. He read 12 pages without any problems and then we had a Kart race on the Wii together. Before sitting down to dinner we spoke to Glen (who’s a bit fed up of being away on his own and looking forward to coming home) and after dinner he had his bath, we read a story, and he went to bed.

I know it’s only 10 days ago I wrote I didn’t know how I was going to cope with Glen gone, but now I really think it’s been a positive experience to be on my own with Robbie for so long. Robbie seems to have woken up to the fact that I can be playful as well as the rule enforcer and one doesn’t exclude the other. In fact now I’m worried that when Glen gets back Robbie will slot me back into “the mean one” compartment and forget how well we’ve been getting on (well, most of the time).

Wednesday 8th September (day 145): A little time

I barely saw Robbie today. We had an uneventful morning and I took him to school. He’d been invited to a playdate and dinner at a school friend’s house, so his friend’s mum picked him up from school and I didn’t see him again until 6.30 when I picked him up. He’d had a good time, eaten well and played on their Wii for hours! When we got home he had a quick shower and then it was bedtime, so we read his story and he went to bed.

After I put him to bed I thought to myself how little of Robbie I’d seen all day and realised that’s what it’ll be like once I’m back at work, seeing him first thing in the morning and then just before dinner I guess. It made me think that I should appreciate my time with him a bit more as it won’t last forever.

Tuesday 7th September (day 144): Angry over nothing

The day started great. We had a really good morning and Robbie went off to school happy. While he was at school I went to an attachment-focused counselling session with Alice. This is the first time one of us has gone without the other, but Alice had suggested it might be a good idea for me to have support while Glen was away. We talked about how well we've been doing in the last few days and she could tell I was feeling more positive and confident. She talked about reciprocity in relationships and the fact that Robbie may not have learnt how to receive love and love back, which (together with his pervading feeling of shame) may be the reason why he feels unworthy of our love and doesn't know how to accept it.

After I picked Robbie up from school, we stopped in the park with his friends for half an hour and then we drove home. Because he'd helped me to put the rubbish out this morning I said that he could have 20 minutes on the Wii while I cooked dinner. I was busy in the kitchen and I could hear him shouting at the TV but didn't really check on him until he came to find me to let me know that his time was up. I asked him how he'd done and he started yelling that he's rubbish at it. I said that just because he'd had a bad game didn't mean he was rubbish and reminded him that only the other day he'd gone up a level. He was having none of it so I suggested he finish the colouring he started yesterday. While he did that I tried talking to him but the answer I got for everything was "what-ever!" (sometimes I swear social services got his age wrong and he's actually 16, not 6) and I gave him a warning for giving me attitude.

A postcard from Glen arrived this morning and I thought it would cheer him up and change his mood. When I showed it to him he was pleased to hear that it was from his daddy, but then he put it down without attempting to read it. I said he should read it and he said he didn't want to. I said Daddy had written it for him and he should read it but he still refused to. I told him he was being rude and he just said "whatever" again and turned his back on me, so I made him sit on the sofa for six minutes. He yelled, kicked his legs and got off the sofa five or six times. Every time I just put him back until the time was up. When I sat down to talk with him he apologised straight away, but literally less than a minute later he was yelling at me again so I said he should do another six minutes to really think about his behaviour. By the time that was over dinner was ready so I asked him to sit at the table. He was still giving me evil looks and we barely spoke during the meal. I was really annoyed because of all the reasons he's got to be angry (and he does have very good reasons to be) losing a stupid game in the Wii should not be the cause of such an outburst. I do realise however that in a way this is a good thing, as he’s being angry for the reasons that most six-year-olds get angry as opposed to the reasons why an adopted child who’s not well attached gets angry.

He kept stuffing food into his mouth trying to get a reaction out of me, but I didn't rise to it and just told him that he knows how to eat and if the food disagreed with him it wouldn't be me who would be sick. When dinner was over I asked him to get ready for bed and he went upstairs in a huff, but when I followed a minute later to check how he was doing he was in tears. I knelt beside him and he gave me a hug and apologised. I asked him if he could remember how it all started and he said he'd got angry because of the Wii game. I asked if it was really worth spoiling the day for that and he shook his head. I reminded him that when he's angry he needs to tell me so we can try to get rid of it. Then, thinking of what Alice had said this morning told him that that's what families do: they talk, they love one another and help each other.

He calmed down and we lay on the bed to read his story. Before that we read Glen's postcard together. Then we had a big hug and a kiss good night. Half an hour later he got up to go to the toilet and half an hour after that he came looking for me saying he'd had a bad dream. He didn't look scared, sounded most unconvincing and it was obvious that all he wanted was a hug, to be comforted and reassured that we were ok so that's exactly what I did before I carried him back to bed.

Monday 6th September (day 143): The sunshine after the rain

This morning I was caught up again in the eternal debate of whether to be playful or implement rules. Robbie had refused to have his morning juice and when he took the breakfast spoons and bowls to the table, as he likes to do every morning, he left mine behind. I asked him to get it and he refused, saying it was my bowl so I should get it. I could have done something playful and got on with it, but I also know if I let things slide then before you know it he’s refusing to do everything, so I picked up my bowl but left his milk in the microwave. When he asked for it I said, “it’s your milk, so you get it. Isn’t that what we’re doing today?” Of course he then spilt it and he said it was my fault for making him get it. He got all worked up and from then on scowled his way through breakfast. Once he was finished I asked him to put his napkin away and he ran off. When I followed him he kept running and as he turned he banged his head on the wall, which of course I was accused of causing. He did let me comfort him and check that he was OK, though, and from there on we managed to get back on track until I dropped him off at school.

It was raining when I picked Robbie up from school and so we didn’t stop at the park. On the way back he told me he’d not been given any homework! I know he wouldn’t understand if I told him (and I didn’t) but I was so much happier hearing this than he ever could imagine. I did offer him the possibility of reading a book so that he could get one of his missing stickers if he wanted to. When we got home he got changed, had his snack and then tried to read but after one page he started to play up and so I decided not to push my luck and stopped the reading before he got frustrated.

Of course he asked what he could do and I said “you’ll have to entertain yourself until dinner time”. To my surprise he just went to his room and started playing with his toys. I had a couple of emails to catch up with so I sat down with the computer in my study, next to his room. He came to check on me a couple of times and then decided to bring his toys into the study so he could play in the same room as I was, which was fine with me. After 10 minutes or so I told him that in another 20 minutes I’d play a board game with him and he continued to play on his own nicely until then, which he did.

Nanny rang and had a quick chat with him and then we played a board game for half an hour as promised. When I started to cook dinner he asked what he could do and I said maybe he could think of something? With that he went and found one of his colouring books, asked me for his pens and started quietly colouring while I cooked. I could not believe my eyes! Robbie sitting down to do something on his own out of his own initiative!

We had a nice dinner and then spoke to Glen on the phone. It was really sweet because when Glen rang off Robbie hugged the receiver. Then we spoke briefly to my niece Claudia to wish her a happy birthday and Robbie was quite chuffed to have been able to speak to her in Spanish.

After a bath and his story he went to bed. I promised him that in the morning he’d get stickers for being good all day (I chose to forget this morning’s shouting after such a nice afternoon) and also for playing well on his own.

I was really glad we managed to turn the mood around after this morning’s events. I was dreading that he’d slip straight back into the antagonistic mood with me and he didn’t. I also think that seeing that I was busy really worked to make him decide it was OK to play on his own, which bodes well for when I return to work. That or he simply remembered how bored he was on the sofa yesterday and knew better!

Sunday 5th September (day 142): The harder you fall

Robbie came into the bedroom just before nine this morning and we did silly things like being chased by the kissy monster, the raspberry monster or the tickly monster!

During breakfast we were talking about people's ages when he suddenly said "It seems like I've been here for a year now". I replied that it did indeed and asked him if he liked living here. "Of course I do!" came the reply. I was really chuffed and wished Glen had been here.

He had a bath and then he watched TV downstairs while I had one as well. I had told him yesterday that we'd have to do some cleaning today and when he asked if he could go and play outside I said he'd have to clean his trampoline first as we'd agreed. He whined that it would probably take ages but got on with it and did it in ten minutes, after which he went out to play with the neighbours for an hour while I busied myself around the house.

When he came back in we stripped his bed together and then he asked if he could finish a game on his DS that he'd started earlier. Lunch was nearly ready so I said he could finish that game but not start another. When I checked on him a few minutes later I noticed that he had started a new game, so I asked him if he had. He said he hadn't and I told him I didn’t think he was telling the truth. He was really ashamed at being caught out and screamed at me. I gave him a warning but he continued to shout and he ended up doing six minutes on the sofa.

After the time was over he apologised, but he was really annoyed as being put on the sofa meant that there'd be no "being good all day" sticker for today, unlike the past four days when he's had one. I confirmed that he wouldn't and explained that his behaviour had let him down, but he should be able to get one tomorrow.

We had our lunch and narrowly missed another bust up over the contents of his sandwich, but soon he was back to being calm and playful. We went to a department store and then to the supermarket and Robbie remained in a good mood pushing the trolley around.

When we got back I made a deal with him: since I had to get on with some more cleaning (oh! The joy of Sundays) and his friends were not around if he played on his own for an hour I'd give him a "playing well on your own" category sticker (which along with reading, writing, and accepting praise are the categories he's behind on to get his reward). He accepted this and we shook hands on it. He went to the garden and played with his truck for a couple of minutes and then decided to bounce on his trampoline with his light sabre. I said he couldn't take the light sabre as he may hurt himself and he lost the plot and started yelling at me, so I gave him a warning and took it off him. After five minutes I went upstairs to return the light sabre as a gesture of good will. He snatched it off me and didn't even say thank you, so I said that was very rude. He didn't like being called rude so (ironically) as a response he slammed his bedroom door on my face (not quite literally but almost).

I took him downstairs and said he'd have to do time on the sofa. Brimming with attitude he replied "what, you gonna make me sit on it for an hour, are you?" so I replied that I only intended to make him sit there for a few minutes, but since he suggested an hour so be it. I don't think he believed me at first and it certainly wasn't my intention to keep him on the sofa for that long, but in the end that's exactly what happened. For the first ten minutes he attempted to get off and shouted at me, then he went quiet and finally he went for the "pity me" look, but I wasn't about to fall for it. I got on with the cleaning and left him to it, growling and scowling. After about 20 minutes, when I thought he might be a bit more receptive, I asked him to think about whether it's more fun to play with your toys for an hour or to sit on a sofa for an hour and left him to it again so he could reflect on it. A while later I said he must be disappointed that his behaviour let him down so badly and he nodded. He'd obviously got to the guilt / low self-esteem part of his coming down from anger process and said that he's always naughty because he always shouts. He had to have a dig at me, though, so he added that I enjoyed seeing him bored and stopping him from having fun. I very calmly explained that he isn't always naughty and doesn't always shout as the last four days have proven. I also pointed out that if I enjoyed seeing him miserable I wouldn't have taken him to Legoland, to the park after school, or to the bear drop and once again continued with my cleaning so he could think about our conversation rather than try to engage me in conversation.

When the time was over we had a chat. He'd decided that it was better to spend an hour playing on his own than on the sofa. He also said he didn't mean it when he said I enjoyed stopping him from having any fun. We had a big hug and he went off to find the neighbourhood kids. He couldn't find them, so in the end he ended up helping me with the hoovering.

When we spoke to Glen Robbie told him about the last couple of days, including how he'd been naughty "all day" today. I clarified that there had been two incidents but the rest of the day had been fine. Both Glen (on the phone) and I (in person) told him we expect him to be good tomorrow. Robbie said he didn't think that would happen because the teachers are bound to start giving homework from tomorrow and sitting down to do that always makes him angry. I couldn't believe that he's basically planning his next tantrum already! I told him that I was sure that with a little self-control we'd be able to get over that, but he looked doubtful...

We had a nice dinner (he even ate his small salad without moaning excessively about it!) and then I read him his bedtime story and kissed him goodnight.

Although I didn't mean to give him such a long time sitting on the sofa, I do think it helped to give him enough time to really think about his behaviour and also to realise that I will see what I say through. It's not like I'd fooled myself that we'd never have another fight again, but it was very nice while it lasted and I was disappointed that after four days of no confrontation our “honeymoon” had come to an end. On the plus side, even when he was angry he managed not to say "I hate you!" and he never tried to hit me, so in a way it was a positive bust-up (if there is such a thing).

Saturday 4th September (day 141): Bears dropping from the sky

Robbie woke me up at 2 am because he'd had another bad dream. I comforted him and we hugged for a while and then I took him back to his bed, where he managed to go back to sleep fairly quickly, which is more than I did. This morning we had to get up at 7 for a charity event that our friend Phil organises and I was not impressed with my interrupted sleep.

Robbie was very tired when I woke him up and did not take kindly to having to be rushed so that we could get out of the house by 8, but we managed to leave more or less on time without getting into an argument. We drove over to Carla and Adam's and Robbie decided to ride in Adam's car (a fancy new model as opposed to my rusty old car) with Henry and Spence.

The charity event was a teddy bear drop. Ten bears are dropped from an aeroplane with teddy bear parachutes, and people give money to guess which one will land closest to the target. There was also a "best dressed teddy bear" competition (we entered one of our bears dressed as Ben 10 with an omnitrix but didn't win) and several games going on. We met up with several of our and Phil and Elisabeth's friends and the boys had a great time watching the plane approach and the bears descend from the sky.

Afterwards we went back to Phil and Elisabeth's house for a barbecue. The boys had a good time playing and then they watched a film. I kicked a football with them for a while (getting comments from our friends about how shocking it was to see me play football) and then Phil, our friend Anthony and some of the other men present played football with them too. Everyone mentioned how settled he seems and how well he behaved.

We stayed there until almost 7 and then drove back. When we got home he had his drink, we read his story and he went to sleep, exhausted after a non-stop day.

One thing I realised today, after four good days with Robbie, is that not having Glen around has really helped him to see that I can be a bit silly and fun and doing things with me doesn’t necessarily have to be about chores, homework, or the usual boring routine stuff. I think it's been very useful to be able to combine my usual role of being the one who makes sure things happen with the role of playful mate. When Glen is here, however, we can't both be playful and silly as otherwise nothing would get done. I'll need to discuss this with Glen when he gets back. In the meantime I'm really enjoying our time together and Robbie's company, something I'd have never guessed could happen a week ago.

Four good days in a row! I could get used to this… Tomorrow we're going to have a quieter day and I need to do some tidying up and cleaning, so we'll see how he reacts to that.