After a night when I slept really badly thinking about the previous day's events, we woke up to a really cold and rainy day, so we weren't too sad about leaving. We packed our bags, picked Nanny up, said goodbye to Glen's aunt and uncle, and set off for home at 11 am.
I was sat on the back with Robbie, who ten minutes after we left suddenly remembered that he'd left his water gun behind. He sobbed for a good five minutes in an attempt to get us to turn around (although he never actually asked us to do so) and eventually I managed to distract him by starting a game of car-counting. The traffic was really bad and the same journey that took us three and a half hours in the way there took nearly eight hours (not counting stops). Robbie was actually really patient and behaved really well after the initial upset. We played a few games, sang songs, looked at the scenery... At one point the song "You Came" by Kim Wilde came on the radio. I think the lyrics ("you came and changed the way I feel, no-one could love you more, because you came and turned my life around, no-one could take your place") are very fitting and I sang the song to Robbie as it played. Robbie looked really sheepish. Not in an embarrassed "oh god my dad is singing" sort of way, but as if he didn't feel worthy of those words.
After six hours in the car I took out my iPad so he could watch an episode of Wallace and Gromit. Other than that he managed the trip without any screen time. A while later we stopped for a long-ish break. We went into a shoe shop to get a pair of school shoes and Robbie got really angry at the mention of school, which surprised us as he really likes school. While he sat having a hot drink with Nanny, Glen and I went into another shop and bought a top for him. When Glen asked Robbie if he liked it, he, as always, said "no" before he'd even looked at it. We made him try it on and he actually loved it. I said to Robbie that he really should think twice before answering "no" as next time he does it we could believe him and take whatever we've bought for him back to the shop thinking he doesn't like it. He replied if I did that he'd hit me. I was not amused but didn't lose my cool and said that it would be a shame if he hit me as he'd lose his DS as a consequence. He got angry and it took him a good 10 minutes to calm down, but we managed to have the last 45 minutes of the journey in peace.
When we got back, Nanny said "it's nice to be home" and Robbie told her that he likes his home (at least he's telling someone!). We brought the luggage in while Glen made a quick dinner. As we were sitting down to eat, Robbie swung his chair and fell off it, very narrowly missing whacking his head on a book case. Robbie's picked up a habit of swinging his chair when he eats lately and throughout the week has had warnings from Glen not to do that. Glen, who was both tired from the drive and reacting to seeing Robbie nearly crack his head open, said he'd had enough and if he swung on his chair again he'd have to sit on a cushion on the floor until he learns to sit properly. Robbie shouted that he didn't care, so Glen took his dinner, put it on a tray, and made him sit on a cushion on the living room carpet. Robbie tried to get back to the table but Glen was having none of it. After a few minutes he relented and told him if he apologised and sat properly he'd be allowed back on the table. The rest of the meal went well and after we'd finished we put him to bed.
Tuesday, 31 August 2010
Friday 13th August (day 119): An awakening
I was worried that Robbie would be upset with me after last night, but when he woke up he came running to give me a hug and a kiss. We played at giving each other “cow kisses” (you pretend you’re going to give someone a kiss on the cheek and instead you lick their face – my nieces taught him to do it…) and tickling each other.
After breakfast Robbie helped to dry dishes and was in a really good mood. We’d decided to hire bikes and do part of the Tarka Trail. I considered staying behind and letting Robbie and Glen go on their own as the weather wasn’t great and my knee (which goes wobbly sometimes) was hurting after climbing up and down Lundy Island and Clovelly. I didn't want to miss out, however, so I went anyway.
We hired our bikes and as soon as we set off it started to rain. I was in a foul mood and Robbie was giving all his time and attention to Glen, of course, so I felt like a fool for making an effort to be there just to be ignored. Robbie had a great time and we only had a bad moment when we stopped for lunch. Glen had told Robbie to get off the bike on a ramp, but he ignored him and sure enough fell off. This was followed by a big moan when his lunch came with a side salad that he was made to eat. At least it was Glen who did the disciplining!
We rode back and in total did 11 miles. We had expected Robbie to be really tired, but he’d have been happy to keep going. The sun decided to come out, so we returned the bikes, raced back to the cottage, put our swimming trunks on and went to the beach. By the time we got there, however, the sun had gone and it was really cold (at least for me. I do have Spanish blood, not the anti-freeze that seems to run in most British people’s bodies!). I didn’t want to disappoint Robbie, who kept reminding me that I didn’t go in last time and asking me to join them. Glen and Robbie went in the sea and I made it as far as my knees. Both of them were telling me to go in further, but I looked down at my hands and they were blue. Not, just cold or white, no. Literally blue. There and then I had an awakening. I’ve been bending over backwards to be there for Robbie, joining in everything I can regardless of how tired I am. I feel really strong sense of obligation to be there for everything he does but also think that if I miss out on the fun stuff like the beach or a bike ride, Robbie will associate Glen with doing fun things and me with the boring routine and the discipline. Of course, my expectation is both unrealistic and the cause of my exhaustion but I didn’t accept it until my body told me in a very clear message that I simply cannot be there all the time.
I came out of the water and put lots of layers on. When Robbie and Glen got out of the water I got ice creams for all of us and we sat on the beach enjoying them until we were all cold and ready to go. Back in the cottage Robbie asked what he could do and, since he hadn’t read all day, I suggested he finish reading the book he’d started the day before. This led to another epic battle. Robbie shouted at me and kicked me, so as a consequence his DS was taken away for a week. Then he got into a verbal fight with Glen, which ended with Glen telling Robbie we wouldn’t be going to a Thomas the Tank Engine attraction we had planned to stop at on the way home. Robbie was furious. After he’d calmed down we warned him that if he ever hits either of us again (he’s never hit Glen), his DS will be gone forever. As soon as I’d said it I regretted it, as I just knew that at some point he will and once you’ve taken his favourite toy away a) you’re the meany who took it away and b) you have no threat of something he might lose if he doesn’t behave.
We managed to have dinner in peace and then went to Glen’s aunt and uncle’s for a quick drink. Then we stopped to look at the waves crashing by the seafront. On the way back Robbie reverted to his angry mood and refused to do anything I asked him to do (putting on his seatbelt in the car, pyjamas… everything was a “no”). After his bedtime story he shouted at me one more time, so I just asked him “Did I hit you today? No. Did I shout at you? No. You did all that to me. So you have no right to shout any more”. Of course I then felt bad. I don’t like him to go to bed on a bad note, so five minutes later I went in and gave him a kiss. He asked me why I’d gone back and I said I didn't want him to go to sleep angry with me. He snapped and shouted at me “Well I AM angry with you!” again so I just said good night and closed the door feeling stupid, rejected, sad and at a loss as to what I’m supposed to do to get this boy to stop being like this with me.
After breakfast Robbie helped to dry dishes and was in a really good mood. We’d decided to hire bikes and do part of the Tarka Trail. I considered staying behind and letting Robbie and Glen go on their own as the weather wasn’t great and my knee (which goes wobbly sometimes) was hurting after climbing up and down Lundy Island and Clovelly. I didn't want to miss out, however, so I went anyway.
We hired our bikes and as soon as we set off it started to rain. I was in a foul mood and Robbie was giving all his time and attention to Glen, of course, so I felt like a fool for making an effort to be there just to be ignored. Robbie had a great time and we only had a bad moment when we stopped for lunch. Glen had told Robbie to get off the bike on a ramp, but he ignored him and sure enough fell off. This was followed by a big moan when his lunch came with a side salad that he was made to eat. At least it was Glen who did the disciplining!
We rode back and in total did 11 miles. We had expected Robbie to be really tired, but he’d have been happy to keep going. The sun decided to come out, so we returned the bikes, raced back to the cottage, put our swimming trunks on and went to the beach. By the time we got there, however, the sun had gone and it was really cold (at least for me. I do have Spanish blood, not the anti-freeze that seems to run in most British people’s bodies!). I didn’t want to disappoint Robbie, who kept reminding me that I didn’t go in last time and asking me to join them. Glen and Robbie went in the sea and I made it as far as my knees. Both of them were telling me to go in further, but I looked down at my hands and they were blue. Not, just cold or white, no. Literally blue. There and then I had an awakening. I’ve been bending over backwards to be there for Robbie, joining in everything I can regardless of how tired I am. I feel really strong sense of obligation to be there for everything he does but also think that if I miss out on the fun stuff like the beach or a bike ride, Robbie will associate Glen with doing fun things and me with the boring routine and the discipline. Of course, my expectation is both unrealistic and the cause of my exhaustion but I didn’t accept it until my body told me in a very clear message that I simply cannot be there all the time.
I came out of the water and put lots of layers on. When Robbie and Glen got out of the water I got ice creams for all of us and we sat on the beach enjoying them until we were all cold and ready to go. Back in the cottage Robbie asked what he could do and, since he hadn’t read all day, I suggested he finish reading the book he’d started the day before. This led to another epic battle. Robbie shouted at me and kicked me, so as a consequence his DS was taken away for a week. Then he got into a verbal fight with Glen, which ended with Glen telling Robbie we wouldn’t be going to a Thomas the Tank Engine attraction we had planned to stop at on the way home. Robbie was furious. After he’d calmed down we warned him that if he ever hits either of us again (he’s never hit Glen), his DS will be gone forever. As soon as I’d said it I regretted it, as I just knew that at some point he will and once you’ve taken his favourite toy away a) you’re the meany who took it away and b) you have no threat of something he might lose if he doesn’t behave.
We managed to have dinner in peace and then went to Glen’s aunt and uncle’s for a quick drink. Then we stopped to look at the waves crashing by the seafront. On the way back Robbie reverted to his angry mood and refused to do anything I asked him to do (putting on his seatbelt in the car, pyjamas… everything was a “no”). After his bedtime story he shouted at me one more time, so I just asked him “Did I hit you today? No. Did I shout at you? No. You did all that to me. So you have no right to shout any more”. Of course I then felt bad. I don’t like him to go to bed on a bad note, so five minutes later I went in and gave him a kiss. He asked me why I’d gone back and I said I didn't want him to go to sleep angry with me. He snapped and shouted at me “Well I AM angry with you!” again so I just said good night and closed the door feeling stupid, rejected, sad and at a loss as to what I’m supposed to do to get this boy to stop being like this with me.
Monday, 30 August 2010
Thursday 12th August (day 118): We almost made it
We all got up at 8.30 and took Robbie and Margaret down for a quick visit to the beach. Then we got back to the cottage for breakfast and the kids played in the bedroom. At one point Robbie informed us that he was glad he’d “decided” not to sleep in the same room as Margaret “as we'd have never gone to sleep”.
We went to Clovelly, where the kids brushed donkeys’ hair, made clay dishes, and played with the pebbles, and we all had lunch. Then we got back to the cottage and made our way to the beach again despite the very dark clouds on the horizon. Robbie ended up in the water with his raincoat on. Margaret actually had a wet suit, which may be a very good purchase to make if Glen insists on going on beach holidays in England.
When we got back the kids had a bath together. I wish I could post a picture of the two of them surrounded by bath bubbles. They looked so cute! After they were dry, Margaret picked up a book and started reading. Robbie followed suit. I could not believe that he’d picked up a book of his own accord. Margaret is obviously a very good role model!
When the time came to say goodbye, Robbie and Margaret embraced in a very sweet hug. He really loved having another child to play with. We agreed we must do it again soon, and later had a lovely text from Sophia telling us how lovely Robbie is, what a great relationship we have, and how proud she was of us!
After they were gone we joined Glen’s mum, aunt and uncle for dinner at a restaurant. Robbie behaved really well and impressed everyone. Back at the cottage, he had his drink and story.
I really thought we’d managed a whole day without a bad moment, but just before he went to bed I asked Robbie if he needed to go to the loo (he hadn’t had a poo all day) and he said he didn’t. After his story I asked him again and he said no. Once we’d turned out the light, he came out of his room saying he needed a poo. I could tell that he didn’t really, he just wanted to stay up longer, so I said it was too late now and sent him back to bed. He screamed that he hated me but I didn’t rise to it, as any attempt to explain anything would be a victory for him (a successful delay of bedtime). However, after I’d shut the door I felt really guilty. What if he really needed a poo? Was I being an ogre for not letting a 6 year old go to the loo? After five minutes I opened the door to check on him. He apologised for shouting at me. I explained I thought he was delaying and I thought his reaction was because he was angry that I caught him out. He denied this and I let him go to the loo. Feeling that he had to prove his point he tried very hard to, but of course didn’t manage to go as he didn’t need to. When he gave up and went back to bed I asked him again if he really needed to go when he said he did and he admitted that he didn’t. He was embarrassed at being found out, so I gave him a hug and told him he was a lovely boy. He shook his head, so I asked him:
- “Why do you think we want you to live with us?”
- “You probably heard I was nice but I'm not.”
- “What do you think Annie told us about you?”
- “That I'm nice.”
- “And what do you think Sarah told us?”
- “That I'm nice.”
- “So why do you think we want you to live with us?”
- “Because I'm nice.”
- “Yes you are. And we both really love you”.
With that I kissed him good night and was glad that we’d got there in the end.
We went to Clovelly, where the kids brushed donkeys’ hair, made clay dishes, and played with the pebbles, and we all had lunch. Then we got back to the cottage and made our way to the beach again despite the very dark clouds on the horizon. Robbie ended up in the water with his raincoat on. Margaret actually had a wet suit, which may be a very good purchase to make if Glen insists on going on beach holidays in England.
When we got back the kids had a bath together. I wish I could post a picture of the two of them surrounded by bath bubbles. They looked so cute! After they were dry, Margaret picked up a book and started reading. Robbie followed suit. I could not believe that he’d picked up a book of his own accord. Margaret is obviously a very good role model!
When the time came to say goodbye, Robbie and Margaret embraced in a very sweet hug. He really loved having another child to play with. We agreed we must do it again soon, and later had a lovely text from Sophia telling us how lovely Robbie is, what a great relationship we have, and how proud she was of us!
After they were gone we joined Glen’s mum, aunt and uncle for dinner at a restaurant. Robbie behaved really well and impressed everyone. Back at the cottage, he had his drink and story.
I really thought we’d managed a whole day without a bad moment, but just before he went to bed I asked Robbie if he needed to go to the loo (he hadn’t had a poo all day) and he said he didn’t. After his story I asked him again and he said no. Once we’d turned out the light, he came out of his room saying he needed a poo. I could tell that he didn’t really, he just wanted to stay up longer, so I said it was too late now and sent him back to bed. He screamed that he hated me but I didn’t rise to it, as any attempt to explain anything would be a victory for him (a successful delay of bedtime). However, after I’d shut the door I felt really guilty. What if he really needed a poo? Was I being an ogre for not letting a 6 year old go to the loo? After five minutes I opened the door to check on him. He apologised for shouting at me. I explained I thought he was delaying and I thought his reaction was because he was angry that I caught him out. He denied this and I let him go to the loo. Feeling that he had to prove his point he tried very hard to, but of course didn’t manage to go as he didn’t need to. When he gave up and went back to bed I asked him again if he really needed to go when he said he did and he admitted that he didn’t. He was embarrassed at being found out, so I gave him a hug and told him he was a lovely boy. He shook his head, so I asked him:
- “Why do you think we want you to live with us?”
- “You probably heard I was nice but I'm not.”
- “What do you think Annie told us about you?”
- “That I'm nice.”
- “And what do you think Sarah told us?”
- “That I'm nice.”
- “So why do you think we want you to live with us?”
- “Because I'm nice.”
- “Yes you are. And we both really love you”.
With that I kissed him good night and was glad that we’d got there in the end.
Friday, 27 August 2010
Wednesday 11th August (day 117): Too much for one day
We woke Robbie up at 6.45 this morning and for the next half-hour he was a barely-responsive zombie. It’s quite funny because he's the same as Glen in that respect. We got a bag ready with lunch and by 8 am we were on board the ferry to Lundy Island. When we set off it was still chilly, so I asked Robbie to put on his coat and I zipped it up. He immediately unzipped it. I didn't want to get into a fight over it as we have in other occasions, so I said "fine, if you want to be cold, be cold". Robbie answered back with "oh, so you don't care about me or if I get cold!" I'm trying to stick to my new policy of not getting into arguments and showing him that shouting's not the way to talk to me so I calmly walked away from our seats and stood further aside. A couple of minutes later Robbie walked over to where I stood and apologised. I accepted his apology, but told him what I want is not to be shouted at in the first place.
The rest of the two-hour journey went by without incident. We had breakfast and looked at the sea, pointing at the seagulls and any boats we saw. Most of the kids on board seemed to get seasick, but Robbie was fine (Glen, in contrast, was looking rather pale by the time we docked). Robbie told us it was his first-ever boat trip. We asked him if he was sure as on other occasions he's "forgotten" about things he did with his foster carers, but he was adamant that this really was his first boat trip. In fact he looked quite hurt when I continued to look doubtful despite his assertions that he was being honest. I felt quite bad about it afterwards, after all he hasn't lied to us for a while.
As soon as we arrived we had to climb a rather steep hill to the top of the island. After five minutes Robbie had obviously had enough, so he started dragging his feet and walking bent forward, with his hands almost touching the ground like some six-year-old caveman. I told him to stand up straight and he snapped back at me so I walked on, leaving Glen and Robbie a few steps behind. Robbie caught up with me and apologised. I told him if he really was sorry he shouldn't shout at me again and then he wouldn't need to apologise for the rest of the day. He took this on as a challenge and said he wouldn't shout at me anymore. I replied that I didn't believe it was possible but really hoped he could prove me wrong.
The rest of the climb went by without incident until Robbie accidentally dropped his sunglasses (which I had told him to put away not a minute beforehand and he'd ignored) and they fell on the wrong side of the wall of a goose paddock. We told him he should have been more careful but he cried and cried, so while I distracted the geese over to one side, Glen lowered Robbie on the other side of the wall and he got his sunglasses back.
We looked at the wildlife and farm animals, the church, ruins, the fields and the beautiful landscape and in total walked about five miles in six hours. We had our packed lunches on top of a rocky cliff. Throughout the day Robbie was curious about the things we were looking out (with a few calls to stop for a rest and a drink) and even bravely walked the 147 steps up to the top of the lighthouse from where we waved at Glen, who doesn't like heights. The weather was gorgeous and we had a fantastic time. When we were heading back for the ferry I thanked Robbie for sticking to his word and not shouting at me at all.
On the ferry back, Robbie sat on my lap for 10 minutes before going to sit with Glen for the rest of the journey. That easily broke the record for the longest time he's sat on my lap!
When we got back to shore Glen went to get some food from the supermarket while I stayed at a local play park with Robbie waiting for our friend Sophia to arrive with her daughter Margaret, who is seven. They live in Devon and hadn't been able to meet Robbie so far, so we'd invited them to stay over in the spare room of the cottage so they could meet and we could spend some time together. We were also looking forward to seeing Margaret as we're her godparents and we hadn't seen her in a while. As soon as S Sophia arrived, she swept Robbie up, gave him a hug and a kiss, and told him how much she'd been waiting to meet him. Robbie was a little taken aback (we normally ask our friends not to make a big fuss when they meet him) but quite pleased at being so well received.
The kids played on the swings for a bit and then we went back to our cottage. We showed them the place and as we walked into the spare room Robbie suggested that he and Margaret could sleep there and Sophia could sleep in his room. We were quite surprised as he's normally quite guarded. Margaret wasn't so keen on the idea and said she wanted to sleep with her mummy, so we said we'd decide nearer bedtime. The kids played out together for a while and then Sophia, Margaret, Robbie and I played our board game until dinner was ready. From the moment they came in and especially during dinner time Robbie was very demonstrative towards us, getting up to give us hugs and cuddling up to us. We think this was due to a combination of attention seeking (we were giving our time and attention to our guests) and wanting to appear as a good affectionate boy in front of them.
At bedtime I asked Margaret where she wanted to sleep and she was determined to sleep in the same room as her mum. Robbie looked quite disappointed, so I had a quiet word to explain that for Margaret it was a strange house and she must be a little scared. Robbie nodded and went to his room to put on his pyjamas. Glen and I sat chatting to Sophia and a few minutes later heard Robbie crying in his room. He was desolate, crying like I hadn't seen him cry since the night he was missing his birth parents back in June. He had taken Margaret's wish to sleep with his mum as a rejection. We tried to explain that Margaret is allowed to sleep in her mum's bed once a week, she's not familiar with the house, and little girls like to sleep with their mums, but nothing worked. He cried and cried, barely able to get any words out except to say "she doesn't like me!"
We managed to get him into his pyjamas and to go and brush his teeth. Sophia asked Margaret to explain to Robbie that she had enjoyed their evening together but she wanted to sleep with her mummy, but Robbie just continued crying. We felt really sorry for him. He's never asked anyone to share a room with him before and the one time he lowers his defences and opens up he meets what he interprets as rejection. He'd been up since really early in e morning and it had got really late between one thing and another. If he hadn't been so tired he probably would have coped a lot better. In hindsight, it was a mistake to ask Margaret and Sophia to come over on the same day as our trip to the island. It was convenient as it was the only time Sophia could make it, she lives near where we're staying (and therefore far from us) and was so looking forward to meeting Robbie. We also wanted to catch up with her and see our goddaughter. But it really was too much for one day.
The rest of the two-hour journey went by without incident. We had breakfast and looked at the sea, pointing at the seagulls and any boats we saw. Most of the kids on board seemed to get seasick, but Robbie was fine (Glen, in contrast, was looking rather pale by the time we docked). Robbie told us it was his first-ever boat trip. We asked him if he was sure as on other occasions he's "forgotten" about things he did with his foster carers, but he was adamant that this really was his first boat trip. In fact he looked quite hurt when I continued to look doubtful despite his assertions that he was being honest. I felt quite bad about it afterwards, after all he hasn't lied to us for a while.
As soon as we arrived we had to climb a rather steep hill to the top of the island. After five minutes Robbie had obviously had enough, so he started dragging his feet and walking bent forward, with his hands almost touching the ground like some six-year-old caveman. I told him to stand up straight and he snapped back at me so I walked on, leaving Glen and Robbie a few steps behind. Robbie caught up with me and apologised. I told him if he really was sorry he shouldn't shout at me again and then he wouldn't need to apologise for the rest of the day. He took this on as a challenge and said he wouldn't shout at me anymore. I replied that I didn't believe it was possible but really hoped he could prove me wrong.
The rest of the climb went by without incident until Robbie accidentally dropped his sunglasses (which I had told him to put away not a minute beforehand and he'd ignored) and they fell on the wrong side of the wall of a goose paddock. We told him he should have been more careful but he cried and cried, so while I distracted the geese over to one side, Glen lowered Robbie on the other side of the wall and he got his sunglasses back.
We looked at the wildlife and farm animals, the church, ruins, the fields and the beautiful landscape and in total walked about five miles in six hours. We had our packed lunches on top of a rocky cliff. Throughout the day Robbie was curious about the things we were looking out (with a few calls to stop for a rest and a drink) and even bravely walked the 147 steps up to the top of the lighthouse from where we waved at Glen, who doesn't like heights. The weather was gorgeous and we had a fantastic time. When we were heading back for the ferry I thanked Robbie for sticking to his word and not shouting at me at all.
On the ferry back, Robbie sat on my lap for 10 minutes before going to sit with Glen for the rest of the journey. That easily broke the record for the longest time he's sat on my lap!
When we got back to shore Glen went to get some food from the supermarket while I stayed at a local play park with Robbie waiting for our friend Sophia to arrive with her daughter Margaret, who is seven. They live in Devon and hadn't been able to meet Robbie so far, so we'd invited them to stay over in the spare room of the cottage so they could meet and we could spend some time together. We were also looking forward to seeing Margaret as we're her godparents and we hadn't seen her in a while. As soon as S Sophia arrived, she swept Robbie up, gave him a hug and a kiss, and told him how much she'd been waiting to meet him. Robbie was a little taken aback (we normally ask our friends not to make a big fuss when they meet him) but quite pleased at being so well received.
The kids played on the swings for a bit and then we went back to our cottage. We showed them the place and as we walked into the spare room Robbie suggested that he and Margaret could sleep there and Sophia could sleep in his room. We were quite surprised as he's normally quite guarded. Margaret wasn't so keen on the idea and said she wanted to sleep with her mummy, so we said we'd decide nearer bedtime. The kids played out together for a while and then Sophia, Margaret, Robbie and I played our board game until dinner was ready. From the moment they came in and especially during dinner time Robbie was very demonstrative towards us, getting up to give us hugs and cuddling up to us. We think this was due to a combination of attention seeking (we were giving our time and attention to our guests) and wanting to appear as a good affectionate boy in front of them.
At bedtime I asked Margaret where she wanted to sleep and she was determined to sleep in the same room as her mum. Robbie looked quite disappointed, so I had a quiet word to explain that for Margaret it was a strange house and she must be a little scared. Robbie nodded and went to his room to put on his pyjamas. Glen and I sat chatting to Sophia and a few minutes later heard Robbie crying in his room. He was desolate, crying like I hadn't seen him cry since the night he was missing his birth parents back in June. He had taken Margaret's wish to sleep with his mum as a rejection. We tried to explain that Margaret is allowed to sleep in her mum's bed once a week, she's not familiar with the house, and little girls like to sleep with their mums, but nothing worked. He cried and cried, barely able to get any words out except to say "she doesn't like me!"
We managed to get him into his pyjamas and to go and brush his teeth. Sophia asked Margaret to explain to Robbie that she had enjoyed their evening together but she wanted to sleep with her mummy, but Robbie just continued crying. We felt really sorry for him. He's never asked anyone to share a room with him before and the one time he lowers his defences and opens up he meets what he interprets as rejection. He'd been up since really early in e morning and it had got really late between one thing and another. If he hadn't been so tired he probably would have coped a lot better. In hindsight, it was a mistake to ask Margaret and Sophia to come over on the same day as our trip to the island. It was convenient as it was the only time Sophia could make it, she lives near where we're staying (and therefore far from us) and was so looking forward to meeting Robbie. We also wanted to catch up with her and see our goddaughter. But it really was too much for one day.
Tuesday 10th August (day 116): The two Robbies
Today was a rollercoaster of emotions. We dealt with Both Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde. Twice. When we put him to bed last night, Glen told Robbie that if the weather was good in the morning we'd go for a paddle in the sea before breakfast. With that in mind, Robbie knocked on our bedroom door early this morning and by 8 am we were on the beach, getting our feet wet in the water under a light drizzle (see the picture of Glen and Robbie on the left). 20 minutes later we were quite wet under the not-so-light-anymore drizzle, so we made our way back to the cottage.
After we'd dried and had breakfast, Robbie asked what he could do. He wanted to play on his DS but I said it was too early. It was now raining outside and it looked like we wouldn't be going out for a while, so we decided it would be a good opportunity to work on learning to entertain ourselves. I suggested that he make a puzzle, and Robbie said that he needed help. I reminded him that that was the very puzzle that he used to make at his foster carers' and he didn't need help then. He started to shout at me so I told him I wouldn't listen if he shouted at me. He replied "it's what I do: I shout at you!" so, unwilling to discuss the matter any further, I walked out of the room. Glen intervened and told Robbie that he's sick of hearing Robbie shouting at me. Robbie apologised and completed his puzzle.
We played a card game together and then, when Robbie asked again what he could do, Glen told him to write the postcards we bought yesterday. Robbie refused. He's got this thing against writing cards, and it's always a job to get him to do it. The situation escalated to the point where Robbie was shouting horrible things about how much we don't care, we hate him and he hates us. Since Robbie had chosen one of the postcards for his foster carers, Glen tried telling him how disappointed they would be if he didn't write it. It didn't work, Robbie said he didn't care. Glen then pretended to ring them to tell them how he was refusing to write to them, which I didn't think was appropriate, but by that point Glen was really frustrated. When Robbie heard this he got even angrier. He kicked his Lego cars so Glen told him to put them in a bag and put them away. Glen told Robbie that until he was ready to write the cards he'd have to sit on a chair in the living room doing nothing. Robbie refused, got off the chair and went to his room. Glen fetched him back and sat him on the chair again. Robbie got up again and this went on about ten times. In the end he was so distraught we left him on his own in the room to calm down.
Eventually he sat down to write the postcards. After he was done we sat down for a chat and told him that it had taken him three hours to sit down to do something that, when he'd actually sat down, it had taken him 10 minutes to do. We explained how all that time we could have done something nice and that no matter how much he cries or shouts or throws things around he's not going to get out of doing something when we ask him to do it. We also told him that sometimes he needs to play in his own. He was calm and seemed to accept this. By then lunch was ready and he helped to set the table and we had a peaceful lunch.
First thing in the morning we had asked Robbie if he wanted to read after breakfast or after lunch and he'd chosen the latter, so when we finished eating I asked him to choose a book. This led to yet another shouting outburst, but I managed to pacify him in a relatively short time.
While all this happened the rain stopped and the sun came out so we decided to head for a walk on the beach. Robbie rode his scooter and when we got there it really was glorious. It hadn't occurred to me that it may be that nice, so I hadn't put my swimming trunks on. Glen and Robbie had, though, so they went in the sea and spent the next 45 minutes playing in the water while I stayed behind with the scooter, the towel, and their t-shirts. I was a little miffed that I couldn't go in, and a bit jealous that Robbie will associate the fun memory after the angry time with Glen only and not me.
Nanny and Glen's aunt joined us at the beach for a few minutes and then dropped us off at the cottage. I'd promised Robbie we'd watch The Empire Strikes Back, so after dinner we sat and watched the first half hour before it was time for bed. Robbie even sat and cuddled up to me while we watched and I explained bits of the plot and what every robot and creature are called.
It's quite unsettling to see Robbie go from three hours of rage to enjoying himself in the water. He gets over the anger and acts as if nothing's happened in a weird way that we can't quite grasp. Maybe it’s just that kids get over things quicker than adults do. Or maybe in the past he had to learn to move on quickly from the bad times. It really is like he's two completely different children sometimes: the angry one and the sweet one. We're booked on a day trip to Lundy Island tomorrow and we're also meeting a friend afterwards, so we're hoping to have a nice day with Sweet Robbie. We'll see which one we wake up to!
Thursday, 26 August 2010
Monday 9th August (day 115): Rainy day by the sea
Glen offered to let me have a bit of a lazy morning today, so he got Robbie up and ready and we then had breakfast together. While I had a relaxing bath he took Robbie to the supermarket to get some food. Glen was supposed to meet his mum and his aunt at theirs while I had my morning off, but they'd misunderstood and turned up at the house just as I sat down with my book. I showed them around so they could have a good nose at the place and when they offered to join them back at the house I could hardly refuse, so that was my morning off out of the window.
After a quick visit to their house, where we were joined by Glen and Robbie, we got back to the cottage to drop off the shopping and then set off to visit nearby Bideford. It started to rain, though, and in the end we only walked around for a few minutes (but we managed to locate a place to hire bikes if the weather improves). Due to the weather we changed our plans and ended up back at the supermarket, where we bought a couple of DVDs and some popcorn.
After lunch Robbie reluctantly sat with me to do some reading and writing, which he managed to do without throwing a wobbly, and then we spent an hour playing Lince, the board game we bought in Spain. By the end of it Robbie started to moan whenever he lost a round so we decided to stop playing and, since the weather had improved a little, ditched the plan to watch a film and went for a walk along the beach instead.
Robbie rode his scooter down until we reached the sea front and then we had a lovely walk for a couple of hours with the occasional stop to throw pebbles in the sea. He loves being outdoors and exploring new places, so he enjoyed himself and used up some of his never-ending energy! When we got in I managed to get him to do some of his school spellings while Glen got the food ready and after dinner and a story we put him to bed.
After a quick visit to their house, where we were joined by Glen and Robbie, we got back to the cottage to drop off the shopping and then set off to visit nearby Bideford. It started to rain, though, and in the end we only walked around for a few minutes (but we managed to locate a place to hire bikes if the weather improves). Due to the weather we changed our plans and ended up back at the supermarket, where we bought a couple of DVDs and some popcorn.
After lunch Robbie reluctantly sat with me to do some reading and writing, which he managed to do without throwing a wobbly, and then we spent an hour playing Lince, the board game we bought in Spain. By the end of it Robbie started to moan whenever he lost a round so we decided to stop playing and, since the weather had improved a little, ditched the plan to watch a film and went for a walk along the beach instead.
Robbie rode his scooter down until we reached the sea front and then we had a lovely walk for a couple of hours with the occasional stop to throw pebbles in the sea. He loves being outdoors and exploring new places, so he enjoyed himself and used up some of his never-ending energy! When we got in I managed to get him to do some of his school spellings while Glen got the food ready and after dinner and a story we put him to bed.
Wednesday, 25 August 2010
Sunday 8th August (day 114): Off again!
We'd decided to set off on our holiday to Devon by 10, but in the end it took us much longer to pack everything into Nanny's car and we ended up leaving at 12. After an hour on the road we stopped for lunch and then continued our journey. Robbie sat in the back with me and Glen drove with Nanny in the front. He behaved well in the car and played at counting cars with Nanny.
After he got tired of counting cars I picked up his teddy bear and waved at passing cars with it. Robbie told me I was being silly so I stopped, but he then decided he wanted me to continue and threw the teddy at me several times. I warned him that if he chucked it one more time I'd put it away and he threw it straight back at me, so I did. He got really angry and yelled at me how mean I am and he doesn't like me. I gave him a warning that if he continued to do so he'd lose 50 pence off his pocket money and he went on, telling me how much he hates me. I gave him his consequence and he got so angry that somehow he managed to open the car door. The back doors in our car are normally locked, but we were driving Nanny's car and doing 80 miles an hour on a busy motorway! I had to reach over, restrain him and shut the door. Robbie was really cross that I was restraining him and shouted even more, telling me he wanted me to kill him. I told him to be quiet and think about what happened and a few minutes later he apologised and gave me a hug. He asked for his teddy back but I told him he'd have to wait half an hour before it was returned.
Nanny distracted him with a game of counting bridges for a while. Then we tried to get him to go to sleep and he held my hand while he tried, but he didn't manage so I let him have his DS and he played with it for a while. When we were half an hour away from our destination he started asking "how long now?" every couple of minutes until we made it to the cottage we've rented for the week in Westward Ho!, which I found out today is the only place name in the UK that ends with an exclamation mark.
After we'd explored the cottage and Robbie had chosen his room, we made our way to Glen’s aunt and uncle's house. They live in the same village we're staying at and Nanny will be staying with them for the week. Robbie was in best behaviour mode and charmed them with his best smile. We stayed for a lovely dinner and Robbie was given a set of colouring pencils and book to entertain himself while we chatted. He was visibly tired and a little over excited, though, and soon he shouted at Glen across the table over nothing. I took him aside and quietly told him we were guests and he needed to behave. When we got back to the table he sulked for the next few minutes until we left shortly after with the excuse that it was nearly his bedtime.
When we got back to the cottage Glen told him off for being so rude and warned him not to do it again. Then he got changed and after we'd read him a story we put him to bed. A few minutes later he came out of his room to tell me he couldn't sleep and started to swing himself between the sofas. Without saying a word I calmly took his hand and led him back to his bed. Then I wished him good night and shut the door. For the next few minutes I could hear him moaning, but after that he went to sleep.
I'm a little worried by his outbursts in the car and during dinner as he's never shouted at us in the presence of other people. I don't want him to think it's acceptable to do that, so if he does it again we'll have to come down hard on him and nip it in the bud.
After he got tired of counting cars I picked up his teddy bear and waved at passing cars with it. Robbie told me I was being silly so I stopped, but he then decided he wanted me to continue and threw the teddy at me several times. I warned him that if he chucked it one more time I'd put it away and he threw it straight back at me, so I did. He got really angry and yelled at me how mean I am and he doesn't like me. I gave him a warning that if he continued to do so he'd lose 50 pence off his pocket money and he went on, telling me how much he hates me. I gave him his consequence and he got so angry that somehow he managed to open the car door. The back doors in our car are normally locked, but we were driving Nanny's car and doing 80 miles an hour on a busy motorway! I had to reach over, restrain him and shut the door. Robbie was really cross that I was restraining him and shouted even more, telling me he wanted me to kill him. I told him to be quiet and think about what happened and a few minutes later he apologised and gave me a hug. He asked for his teddy back but I told him he'd have to wait half an hour before it was returned.
Nanny distracted him with a game of counting bridges for a while. Then we tried to get him to go to sleep and he held my hand while he tried, but he didn't manage so I let him have his DS and he played with it for a while. When we were half an hour away from our destination he started asking "how long now?" every couple of minutes until we made it to the cottage we've rented for the week in Westward Ho!, which I found out today is the only place name in the UK that ends with an exclamation mark.
After we'd explored the cottage and Robbie had chosen his room, we made our way to Glen’s aunt and uncle's house. They live in the same village we're staying at and Nanny will be staying with them for the week. Robbie was in best behaviour mode and charmed them with his best smile. We stayed for a lovely dinner and Robbie was given a set of colouring pencils and book to entertain himself while we chatted. He was visibly tired and a little over excited, though, and soon he shouted at Glen across the table over nothing. I took him aside and quietly told him we were guests and he needed to behave. When we got back to the table he sulked for the next few minutes until we left shortly after with the excuse that it was nearly his bedtime.
When we got back to the cottage Glen told him off for being so rude and warned him not to do it again. Then he got changed and after we'd read him a story we put him to bed. A few minutes later he came out of his room to tell me he couldn't sleep and started to swing himself between the sofas. Without saying a word I calmly took his hand and led him back to his bed. Then I wished him good night and shut the door. For the next few minutes I could hear him moaning, but after that he went to sleep.
I'm a little worried by his outbursts in the car and during dinner as he's never shouted at us in the presence of other people. I don't want him to think it's acceptable to do that, so if he does it again we'll have to come down hard on him and nip it in the bud.
Saturday 7th August (day 113): Back to the usual ways
Today didn't start well. Robbie was tired and he had growled and shouted at me on three occasions by breakfast time. He was going to a school friend's birthday party and on the way there I gave him a pep talk about how the shouting needs to stop. The birthday party started with a morning film, so I dropped him off at the cinema at 9.30. One of the mums who was dropping off her kids as well walked out to the car park with me. She told me what a negative image she and her children have of their absent dad and how wonderful it was to see Robbie have not one but two engaged dads who look after him!
I spent the morning finishing unpacking and sorting out the house while Glen went to pick up his mum, who will be travelling with us on our holiday tomorrow. We've rented a cottage for a week on the west coast and she will be staying with a relative nearby.
When I picked Robbie up in the afternoon he was in a good mood after having had a great time at the birthday party. On the way back he told me he'd rather live in Spain as the weather is nicer there and he's got cousins to play with. His mood changed as soon as we got home, though. After a few days in Spain with plenty of stimulation and children around, he simply didn't know what to do with himself. None of the activities I suggested were any good and eventually he admitted what he wanted was to play on the Wii. I had to remind him of his outburst of last Monday and the fact that he lost access to the Wii. He claimed he didn't remember any of it (but I could tell he did) and threw a small tantrum. I let him play on his DS for a while and then got him to help me with some hoovering for five minutes, after which he was rewarded with half an hour of TV.
Glen and Nanny arrived and Robbie was really pleased to see her. We took him for a haircut and when we got back he even agreed (somewhat reluctantly) to read with her. After that I suggested we all play our new board game and we did that for quite a while. Robbie thoroughly enjoyed himself and was delighted at winning the game. We had dinner and after a bath and a story we managed to put him to bed at 7.30 for the first time in a few days. Despite being tired, it still took him a while to go to sleep and he even got up for a visit to the toilet an hour after he went to bed.
I spent the morning finishing unpacking and sorting out the house while Glen went to pick up his mum, who will be travelling with us on our holiday tomorrow. We've rented a cottage for a week on the west coast and she will be staying with a relative nearby.
When I picked Robbie up in the afternoon he was in a good mood after having had a great time at the birthday party. On the way back he told me he'd rather live in Spain as the weather is nicer there and he's got cousins to play with. His mood changed as soon as we got home, though. After a few days in Spain with plenty of stimulation and children around, he simply didn't know what to do with himself. None of the activities I suggested were any good and eventually he admitted what he wanted was to play on the Wii. I had to remind him of his outburst of last Monday and the fact that he lost access to the Wii. He claimed he didn't remember any of it (but I could tell he did) and threw a small tantrum. I let him play on his DS for a while and then got him to help me with some hoovering for five minutes, after which he was rewarded with half an hour of TV.
Glen and Nanny arrived and Robbie was really pleased to see her. We took him for a haircut and when we got back he even agreed (somewhat reluctantly) to read with her. After that I suggested we all play our new board game and we did that for quite a while. Robbie thoroughly enjoyed himself and was delighted at winning the game. We had dinner and after a bath and a story we managed to put him to bed at 7.30 for the first time in a few days. Despite being tired, it still took him a while to go to sleep and he even got up for a visit to the toilet an hour after he went to bed.
Friday 6th August (day 112): Travel back to the UK
After another early start we had breakfast and said goodbye to my sister and her partner. Then we went to a department store to buy "Lince", a board game I used to play as a kid and they don't sell in the UK. We got back to my parents' in time for Robbie to have a last game of tennis while I finished packing our case. My parents took us to the station, where we had an emotional goodbye. We took the train to Madrid and as soon as my parents were out of sight Robbie switched alliances straight away and went to sit on Glen's lap. He'll make a great politician one day! When we got to Madrid we made our way to the airport. After we'd checked in and had lunch we went through passport control, where once again the fact that two men with different surnames were travelling with a little boy with yet another last name went unchallenged.
We shamelessly joined the "parents travelling with children under five" boarding queue and got on the plane (we've missed out on six years' worth of jumping queues and he won't look that young much longer so we thought we'd make the best of it). Glen sat next to him and as the plane didn't take off for nearly another hour, he had to answer the million questions about why this is done this or that way. The flight was good. After take-off Robbie entertained himself with a magazine, his DS, and finished watching the film he started on the inbound flight. After we landed we had to queue for over half an hour for passport control and for the final time went through without having to show the letter from social services allowing us to travel with Robbie. I'm sure if we'd gone without it we'd have been challenged at every passport control point!
We grabbed something to eat at the airport and made our way home. On the drive back we asked Robbie what he liked best about the trip and he said the best bit was meeting his cousins. After we put him to bed we unpacked and started the great washing operation. I was in a foul mood: coming out of the airport to be met by cold and rain followed by a meal on British soil was enough to make me wish I was still in Spain!
We shamelessly joined the "parents travelling with children under five" boarding queue and got on the plane (we've missed out on six years' worth of jumping queues and he won't look that young much longer so we thought we'd make the best of it). Glen sat next to him and as the plane didn't take off for nearly another hour, he had to answer the million questions about why this is done this or that way. The flight was good. After take-off Robbie entertained himself with a magazine, his DS, and finished watching the film he started on the inbound flight. After we landed we had to queue for over half an hour for passport control and for the final time went through without having to show the letter from social services allowing us to travel with Robbie. I'm sure if we'd gone without it we'd have been challenged at every passport control point!
We grabbed something to eat at the airport and made our way home. On the drive back we asked Robbie what he liked best about the trip and he said the best bit was meeting his cousins. After we put him to bed we unpacked and started the great washing operation. I was in a foul mood: coming out of the airport to be met by cold and rain followed by a meal on British soil was enough to make me wish I was still in Spain!
Tuesday, 24 August 2010
Thursday 5th August (day 111): Granddad's birthday
Despite going to sleep at 11, Robbie woke up at 8.30. I tried to get him to go back to sleep, but it didn't work. We had breakfast, he read a book as promised and then went down to play tennis with the kids he'd met the day before. After that, my sister arrived with her boyfriend in time for my father's birthday. Robbie was disappointed that her daughters hadn't come as well as he was looking forward to meeting his last two cousins, but we explained they couldn't make it.
We went out to buy a few groceries for my mother and some bits to take home (on the way there we stopped by the pool and returned the shoes we’d taken by mistake). While we were in the supermarket Robbie was really rude to Glen, so I made him apologise. He did, but straight after doing so he said he didn't really mean it. We'd just picked up a chocolate drink for Robbie as a treat, but as a consequence for being rude and then retracting his apology Glen put it back on the shelf. Being too proud and stubborn to admit he was upset at the loss of the drink, Robbie shouted that he didn't want it anyway. Glen had had enough and was fuming. Since we got to Spain, the great manipulator's clicked that he needs to be on "my side" as it's my family we're visiting, so the tables have turned and it's my hand he wants to hold when we cross the road, my lap he's been sitting on, me he's been coming to for cuddles and Glen he's been snapping and shouting at. Glen's been struggling a little with this now that the shoe is on the other foot. Whilst I of course sympathise, I also said to Glen that I'm glad he's experiencing being in what's normally my position.
Anyway, on the way back from the supermarket Robbie shouted even more, so we told him he'd spend six minutes on the sofa as soon as we got in. After he did, we talked to him about his behaviour, got him to apologise, and hugged his anger out. It worked really well and we all put the incident behind us.
On our way to the restaurant where we were eating, we stopped at my brother's parents in law's house, where my brother's family spends the summer. There he briefly met his cousins' other grandparents before we set off again.
The birthday lunch was a typical Spanish family meal out. There were 12 of us: eight adults and four children. We didn't start eating until 3 and finished just before 5. My dad liked his presents and everyone enjoyed their food. The kids finished early and went to the garden at the back of the restaurant to play. My brother joined them after a while and organised a football match between them. The rest of us sat outside having a coffee and ice creams. After a while the kids joined us as well and played with their go-go's.
After an hour or so we set off to visit some friends for an hour and took Robbie and Daniel with us. While we chatted to our friends, the kids played on the Wii. Daniel, who is three years older than Robbie, was confident that he'd beat him at everything but had a shock in store when he was beaten by Robbie in every single game of swordplay! They even drew at table tennis, which is Daniel's favourite. After that we went home for dinner. We'd asked for an early dinner so Robbie could go to bed at a reasonable time, but of course between one thing and another it never happened. By the time we'd had dinner and Robbie had played with the present my sister had brought him from his cousins it was 10 pm. Robbie was very affectionate when he said goodbye to his cousins, giving them hugs and accepting a kiss from my sister-in-law. After they'd gone we quickly got him ready for bed and read him a story. He was once again wide awake, so it must have taken him a while to go to sleep.
It was a very hard day for Glen, as he really experienced how manipulative and deceitful Robbie can be, but Robbie had a great time and he managed well with a big family occasion – something the social workers never thought he would. Also he was “good” enough to reserve his grumpy side for us alone and not in front of the whole family.
We went out to buy a few groceries for my mother and some bits to take home (on the way there we stopped by the pool and returned the shoes we’d taken by mistake). While we were in the supermarket Robbie was really rude to Glen, so I made him apologise. He did, but straight after doing so he said he didn't really mean it. We'd just picked up a chocolate drink for Robbie as a treat, but as a consequence for being rude and then retracting his apology Glen put it back on the shelf. Being too proud and stubborn to admit he was upset at the loss of the drink, Robbie shouted that he didn't want it anyway. Glen had had enough and was fuming. Since we got to Spain, the great manipulator's clicked that he needs to be on "my side" as it's my family we're visiting, so the tables have turned and it's my hand he wants to hold when we cross the road, my lap he's been sitting on, me he's been coming to for cuddles and Glen he's been snapping and shouting at. Glen's been struggling a little with this now that the shoe is on the other foot. Whilst I of course sympathise, I also said to Glen that I'm glad he's experiencing being in what's normally my position.
Anyway, on the way back from the supermarket Robbie shouted even more, so we told him he'd spend six minutes on the sofa as soon as we got in. After he did, we talked to him about his behaviour, got him to apologise, and hugged his anger out. It worked really well and we all put the incident behind us.
On our way to the restaurant where we were eating, we stopped at my brother's parents in law's house, where my brother's family spends the summer. There he briefly met his cousins' other grandparents before we set off again.
The birthday lunch was a typical Spanish family meal out. There were 12 of us: eight adults and four children. We didn't start eating until 3 and finished just before 5. My dad liked his presents and everyone enjoyed their food. The kids finished early and went to the garden at the back of the restaurant to play. My brother joined them after a while and organised a football match between them. The rest of us sat outside having a coffee and ice creams. After a while the kids joined us as well and played with their go-go's.
After an hour or so we set off to visit some friends for an hour and took Robbie and Daniel with us. While we chatted to our friends, the kids played on the Wii. Daniel, who is three years older than Robbie, was confident that he'd beat him at everything but had a shock in store when he was beaten by Robbie in every single game of swordplay! They even drew at table tennis, which is Daniel's favourite. After that we went home for dinner. We'd asked for an early dinner so Robbie could go to bed at a reasonable time, but of course between one thing and another it never happened. By the time we'd had dinner and Robbie had played with the present my sister had brought him from his cousins it was 10 pm. Robbie was very affectionate when he said goodbye to his cousins, giving them hugs and accepting a kiss from my sister-in-law. After they'd gone we quickly got him ready for bed and read him a story. He was once again wide awake, so it must have taken him a while to go to sleep.
It was a very hard day for Glen, as he really experienced how manipulative and deceitful Robbie can be, but Robbie had a great time and he managed well with a big family occasion – something the social workers never thought he would. Also he was “good” enough to reserve his grumpy side for us alone and not in front of the whole family.
Wednesday 4th August (day 110): Meeting his new cousins
After a long day yesterday we all got up at 10 today. We had breakfast and got dressed. From the window of the bedroom that Robbie's sleeping in you can see the local tennis court. Robbie's attention was caught by a few kids playing tennis and he watched them from the window for a while. Glen took him down to the court side so he could watch, and before long the kids asked Robbie if he wanted to join them, which he did. Despite the language barrier and the fact that Robbie had never played tennis before, he had a great time with the racket they lent him and managed to hit a few balls. Another disadvantage for Robbie was that he imitated the other children and they all held their rackets with their right hands so even though he's left-handed, Robbie played with his right hand too. When they left the kids' mum invited Robbie to join them tomorrow morning again if he wants to!
We went into town, where we had arranged to meet one of my best friends. We didn't tell Robbie about it, she just "happened" to be walking along the same street we were in. She joined us while we went into a department store to get some swimming trunks we'd forgotten to pack. She was very playful with Robbie and he soon took to her. We didn't stay long and soon we made our way home, where my brother and his children were waiting to meet Robbie. He has three children: Daniel (9), Claudia (almost 8), and Carolina (who turned 6 last June).
We expected Robbie to be really shy and hide behind our legs, but as soon as we came in he went straight into the living room, where my brother and his children were, and greeted all of them. We had brought some presents for the kids and Robbie handed them out to them. Communication was mediated by either my brother or me at first, but soon enough the kids were happy to play on their own. As was to be expected, Robbie was keener on playing with my nephew, the only other boy. Before long they were playing computer games together. Up to Robbie's arrival my nephew was the only boy among my parents' grandchildren, and I think he was particularly looking forward to having another boy to play with.
The kids had lunch together at two pm (we'd had a late breakfast knowing we'd be eating at Spanish meal times) and then they watched some cartoons in Spanish. Robbie didn't seem to mind that he couldn't understand any of it. After a while Glen and I took all four of them to the local pool, which is just around the corner. Robbie was delighted. He loved swimming and having the chance to play with his cousins. He was a little jealous that his younger cousin swims without armbands, but I explained that kids in Spain tend to spend the entire summer by the pool or in the beach and therefore learn to swim earlier than British children do. My brother came to pick up Claudia, who had a doctor's appointment, and left us with Daniel and Carolina. Both Daniel and Carolina started playing with other kids they knew. Daniel asked Robbie if he wanted to join them for a game of football, but to our surprise he declined. He was too excited by the pool and kept jumping in and out of it.
When it was time to leave Robbie asked Glen if we could go back tomorrow. Glen told him he could do some tennis in the morning and then we could go to the pool with his cousins again if they wanted to join us. Glen mentioned he might want to play tennis with his left hand tomorrow and Robbie shouted at him, so he was given a warning. As we were leaving, I noticed a pair of croc shoes that looked exactly like Claudia's, so I picked them up. Only later did we realise that Claudia hadn't left her shoes behind at all and we had in fact stolen another child's shoes! By then the pool was closed, so we couldn't return them.
Once we were back at my parents' flat we started to get ready to go out and meet some family friends. I knew Robbie had had a long day already and he'd much rather play with his cousins, but it had all been arranged and I didn't want to disappoint our friends. We were only meeting them in the cafe around the corner from my parents, so I suggested we bring the cousins with us so they could all play on the street while we chatted to them. When Glen told Robbie that we were going out, he snapped and shouted that he didn't want to meet anyone else and refused to get changed. To be fair, I could sympathise with the feeling, if not with the delivery of the message. It's very stressful to meet all these people that he feels the need to impress and who keep talking to them in Spanish. Glen didn't like being shouted at though, and since he'd already had a warning, told him the consequence for shouting was that he wouldn't be allowed to play tennis tomorrow. As soon as I heard it I tried to get Glen to change it to something else, but of course by then the damage was done: Robbie was really angry and once a consequence is set, it's set. It took us a while to get Robbie to calm down, but he did and we went down to meet our friends. He reluctantly said hello and stuck around for a couple of minutes and then I sent him off to play with his cousins. After a few minutes he came back claiming that he had a tummy ache. He didn't, of course, but we gave him some attention and the tummy ache vanished as if by magic...
My brother and sister-in-law joined us and she gave Robbie a few go-go's (for the uninitiated they are plastic collectable figures that kids swap as if they were cards), so he was really pleased. He played with his cousins for a few more minutes and then we went back to my parents' for dinner. After that, my brother and his family gave Robbie a Subbuteo football game as a present and he was delighted. He and Daniel played with it until my brother and his family left. By then it was 10 pm and Robbie was wide awake and not willing to go to bed at all. He's soon adapted to the Spanish way of life! We did manage to get him into bed, though, and Glen told Robbie that he'd decided that if he reads a whole book tomorrow he'll let him play tennis after all.
We went into town, where we had arranged to meet one of my best friends. We didn't tell Robbie about it, she just "happened" to be walking along the same street we were in. She joined us while we went into a department store to get some swimming trunks we'd forgotten to pack. She was very playful with Robbie and he soon took to her. We didn't stay long and soon we made our way home, where my brother and his children were waiting to meet Robbie. He has three children: Daniel (9), Claudia (almost 8), and Carolina (who turned 6 last June).
We expected Robbie to be really shy and hide behind our legs, but as soon as we came in he went straight into the living room, where my brother and his children were, and greeted all of them. We had brought some presents for the kids and Robbie handed them out to them. Communication was mediated by either my brother or me at first, but soon enough the kids were happy to play on their own. As was to be expected, Robbie was keener on playing with my nephew, the only other boy. Before long they were playing computer games together. Up to Robbie's arrival my nephew was the only boy among my parents' grandchildren, and I think he was particularly looking forward to having another boy to play with.
The kids had lunch together at two pm (we'd had a late breakfast knowing we'd be eating at Spanish meal times) and then they watched some cartoons in Spanish. Robbie didn't seem to mind that he couldn't understand any of it. After a while Glen and I took all four of them to the local pool, which is just around the corner. Robbie was delighted. He loved swimming and having the chance to play with his cousins. He was a little jealous that his younger cousin swims without armbands, but I explained that kids in Spain tend to spend the entire summer by the pool or in the beach and therefore learn to swim earlier than British children do. My brother came to pick up Claudia, who had a doctor's appointment, and left us with Daniel and Carolina. Both Daniel and Carolina started playing with other kids they knew. Daniel asked Robbie if he wanted to join them for a game of football, but to our surprise he declined. He was too excited by the pool and kept jumping in and out of it.
When it was time to leave Robbie asked Glen if we could go back tomorrow. Glen told him he could do some tennis in the morning and then we could go to the pool with his cousins again if they wanted to join us. Glen mentioned he might want to play tennis with his left hand tomorrow and Robbie shouted at him, so he was given a warning. As we were leaving, I noticed a pair of croc shoes that looked exactly like Claudia's, so I picked them up. Only later did we realise that Claudia hadn't left her shoes behind at all and we had in fact stolen another child's shoes! By then the pool was closed, so we couldn't return them.
Once we were back at my parents' flat we started to get ready to go out and meet some family friends. I knew Robbie had had a long day already and he'd much rather play with his cousins, but it had all been arranged and I didn't want to disappoint our friends. We were only meeting them in the cafe around the corner from my parents, so I suggested we bring the cousins with us so they could all play on the street while we chatted to them. When Glen told Robbie that we were going out, he snapped and shouted that he didn't want to meet anyone else and refused to get changed. To be fair, I could sympathise with the feeling, if not with the delivery of the message. It's very stressful to meet all these people that he feels the need to impress and who keep talking to them in Spanish. Glen didn't like being shouted at though, and since he'd already had a warning, told him the consequence for shouting was that he wouldn't be allowed to play tennis tomorrow. As soon as I heard it I tried to get Glen to change it to something else, but of course by then the damage was done: Robbie was really angry and once a consequence is set, it's set. It took us a while to get Robbie to calm down, but he did and we went down to meet our friends. He reluctantly said hello and stuck around for a couple of minutes and then I sent him off to play with his cousins. After a few minutes he came back claiming that he had a tummy ache. He didn't, of course, but we gave him some attention and the tummy ache vanished as if by magic...
My brother and sister-in-law joined us and she gave Robbie a few go-go's (for the uninitiated they are plastic collectable figures that kids swap as if they were cards), so he was really pleased. He played with his cousins for a few more minutes and then we went back to my parents' for dinner. After that, my brother and his family gave Robbie a Subbuteo football game as a present and he was delighted. He and Daniel played with it until my brother and his family left. By then it was 10 pm and Robbie was wide awake and not willing to go to bed at all. He's soon adapted to the Spanish way of life! We did manage to get him into bed, though, and Glen told Robbie that he'd decided that if he reads a whole book tomorrow he'll let him play tennis after all.
Tuesday 3rd August (day 109): Off to Spain
After staying up until nearly 2 am doing bits and pieces I got up at 7 to finish packing. I woke Glen up at 8 so he could get ready and Robbie woke up 45 minutes later. By the time we were ready for breakfast Robbie had shouted at me twice, so we had a word with him about consequences. We left the house late, of course, but got to the airport in good time. We checked in and then went through security. While we waited for the gate to be announced we had something to eat and then queued to board. The nice lady at the desk let us join the priority queue for children under five even though Robbie's older, so we managed to get good seats. Before we boarded, though, our passports were checked for the third time. Despite flying with a child whose name doesn't match either of ours, nobody queried anything and I never had to show the letter that his placing authority had written giving us permission to travel!
Robbie was really excited about flying and sat by the window. He was delighted when the plane took off and then when we got up to the level where we were flying above the clouds. After that he lost interest and we kept him entertained with a magazine we'd bought for him at the airport and then with a film we put on my iPad. Glen sat next to him and I sat next to Glen but I spent most of the flight chatting to a friend who happened to be flying to Madrid as well and sat in the row across from me. I still made sure that I talked to Robbie every so often and made excited noises when we took off etc.
When we landed we went through the passport control (once again without having to explain anything or show our letter) and took the Metro to the train station. There, we had a snack while we waited for the fast train to my hometown, which we caught shortly after. Robbie didn't want to read and instead he played on his DS most of the way. At first he sat next to me, but then he moved and sat on Glen's lap. As we approached my home town we asked Robbie if he was looking forward to meeting grandpa and grandma and he said he was. We asked him if he was nervous and he nodded. We told him they would be nervous too, and that seemed to reassure him slightly. My mum came to meet us off the train and gave Robbie a kiss and a hug when she was introduced to him. Robbie went all shy, but by the time he saw my dad he was prepared to give him a hug straight away. He even let them both hold his hands as they crossed the road towards the car.
It only took 10 minutes to drive to my parents'. We pointed at the sights and also at the fact that cars were driving on the opposite side of the road and even the steering wheel was in a different place! Once we got to the house we gave him a quick tour so he would be familiar with the new environment and shortly after sat down for a light dinner. Robbie was keen to try out his Spanish and said what he could, but then went quite shy. He was tense but didn't let it show too much. He was also keen to try new foods and ate everything well despite being unfamiliar with it. He was on very best behaviour, saying "gracias" for everything and smiling constantly. It must have been so stressful for him, but he did really well.
After dinner Glen ran a bath for him and once he'd said good night in Spanish to my parents we read him a story and put him to bed. We told him what an amazing day we'd had and how impressed his grandparents were with him and his level of Spanish, but he shook his head and said "no they're not". His self-esteem is not high enough to allow him to accept such praise, of course.
Robbie was really excited about flying and sat by the window. He was delighted when the plane took off and then when we got up to the level where we were flying above the clouds. After that he lost interest and we kept him entertained with a magazine we'd bought for him at the airport and then with a film we put on my iPad. Glen sat next to him and I sat next to Glen but I spent most of the flight chatting to a friend who happened to be flying to Madrid as well and sat in the row across from me. I still made sure that I talked to Robbie every so often and made excited noises when we took off etc.
When we landed we went through the passport control (once again without having to explain anything or show our letter) and took the Metro to the train station. There, we had a snack while we waited for the fast train to my hometown, which we caught shortly after. Robbie didn't want to read and instead he played on his DS most of the way. At first he sat next to me, but then he moved and sat on Glen's lap. As we approached my home town we asked Robbie if he was looking forward to meeting grandpa and grandma and he said he was. We asked him if he was nervous and he nodded. We told him they would be nervous too, and that seemed to reassure him slightly. My mum came to meet us off the train and gave Robbie a kiss and a hug when she was introduced to him. Robbie went all shy, but by the time he saw my dad he was prepared to give him a hug straight away. He even let them both hold his hands as they crossed the road towards the car.
It only took 10 minutes to drive to my parents'. We pointed at the sights and also at the fact that cars were driving on the opposite side of the road and even the steering wheel was in a different place! Once we got to the house we gave him a quick tour so he would be familiar with the new environment and shortly after sat down for a light dinner. Robbie was keen to try out his Spanish and said what he could, but then went quite shy. He was tense but didn't let it show too much. He was also keen to try new foods and ate everything well despite being unfamiliar with it. He was on very best behaviour, saying "gracias" for everything and smiling constantly. It must have been so stressful for him, but he did really well.
After dinner Glen ran a bath for him and once he'd said good night in Spanish to my parents we read him a story and put him to bed. We told him what an amazing day we'd had and how impressed his grandparents were with him and his level of Spanish, but he shook his head and said "no they're not". His self-esteem is not high enough to allow him to accept such praise, of course.
Monday 2nd August (day 108): "Why don't you hurt me?"
Robbie woke up at nine. He looked really tired, though, and after his juice I managed to convince him to go back to bed for a while. He got up again shortly before ten and we continued putting his Meccano car together for a while before Glen got up. After breakfast I told him we'd have to do some reading at some point during the day and gave him the choice of either then or after lunch. He said he'd do it after lunch. While he was brushing his teeth he shouted at me, so he was given a warning.
A while later I had a look outside and saw that Robbie was both riding bike in the middle of the road (where he's not allowed) and doing it without wearing his helmet, so I called him in. I had no intention of punishing him, just warn him of the dangers of what he was doing. However, he obviously thought I was going to and felt ashamed at being caught out doing something he shouldn't, so, expecting a consequence, he reacted to my calm talk as if I had indeed taken a privilege off him and screamed at me for being mean. It was a ludicrous overreaction and as a consequence of it he ended up having to sit on the sofa for six minutes. For the first minute of that time he yelled at me about how mean I am and how much he hates me. Then he got off the sofa and lay down on the floor. I picked him up and gently placed him back on the sofa. He seemed exasperated and shouted at me "WHY DON'T YOU HURT ME?" Hearing him say that chilled my blood. I wondered if something in the way I'd picked him up had triggered a memory. The fact that I had done it gently seemed to puzzle him, as if he was expecting me to push him or throw him. He needed time to calm down, and there were only a couple of minutes left of his time on the sofa, so I calmly replied "because I never would" and pretended to busy myself nearby.
When the timer when off I sat down to talk to him about why he had to have time on the sofa (not because of the bike but his yelling) and he apologised. Then we had a little conversation:
- "Why did you ask me why I wouldn't hurt you? You know that children should never be hurt".
- "Why?"
- "Because it's wrong".
- "No it's not".
- "Yes it is. And you know it. Your old mum and dad hurt you and you know that was wrong. That's why they weren't allowed to keep you".
He seemed to ponder this for a few seconds and then he asked if he could go back out to play on his bike, so I said he could as long as he wore his helmet and stuck to the areas where he's allowed to ride.
A while later we went into the bank and opened a bank account for him. While we were there we decided to eat out, and Robbie tried sushi for the first time (not to his taste, but he was happy to try a bit of everything before settling for the more familiar noodles and chicken). I reminded him that he'd said he'd read after lunch and therefore we'd be doing that when we got home. We did a bit of shopping and Robbie made a point of holding Glen's hand and choosing to go with Glen every time we briefly went separated as one of us looked at one thing and the other at another.
When we got back home I sat down with Robbie to read a short easy book. He pretended to struggle with words that I know he knows and I told him not to mess about. He was having none of it and by the second page he screamed at me and shoved the book across the table. I asked him to sit on the sofa for six minutes as a consequence and he went to go up the stairs instead. I asked him to stop and he turned around and said "go on, hurt me". Once again I said I wasn't going to and never would, no matter how far he pushed. He yelled back "but I want you to!"
I let him do his “time” on the stairs. After five minutes he got up and left, so we told him to go back to his step and started the count again. He refused to and kept shouting but eventually sat down. I sat nearby and throughout the whole six minutes he insulted me (You're mean! You hate me!) and threatened to hit me, hoping to get a reaction. I didn't acknowledge any of his comments and got on with doing something else. Glen, however, got fed up of hearing him and told him he'd have to do a full 10 minutes. I didn't agree, but it had been said and so I enforced it. Robbie changed tactic and from insults he went to crying and saying how sorry he was for most of the remaining five minutes.
When the time was over, we tried to talk to him and get him to apologise. We seemed to be getting there and then he turned around and slapped my shoulder. Glen told him that as a consequence he'd have no Wii for a week. Robbie snapped back that he wasn't bothered as we're going on holiday and won't be around to play it for the next couple of weeks anyway (is he six or sixteen?) so Glen, not about to be outsmarted, told him that he'd have it back in three weeks' time. Despite Robbie's protests Glen told him that hitting always has a serious consequence and it has to stop.
I reminded Robbie that all the commotion had started because he didn't want to read and no matter what he does to stop the original intended outcome it will always happen, so we sat down to read his book and he read it very well without any struggle.
The rest of the afternoon and evening went well, but he kept snubbing me for Glen at every available opportunity and making a show of it. He gave him hugs, thanked him for his dinner... even during his bedtime story (which we normally read with him wedged between us) he leant on Glen and made sure there was no physical contact with me at all. When we put him to bed I gave him a good night kiss and said I loved him, like I do every night. He replied he loved me too. I said I was glad to hear that and as I spoke my voice gave away how emotional I was feeling.
I was completely physically and emotionally drained. We'd heard of children who get stressed about not being physically chastised as to them that signals the end of the punishment, but it had never occurred to us that Robbie may feel that way. I also couldn't help wondering if he feels he doesn't deserve something like a trip to Spain and is trying to sabotage it.
A while later I had a look outside and saw that Robbie was both riding bike in the middle of the road (where he's not allowed) and doing it without wearing his helmet, so I called him in. I had no intention of punishing him, just warn him of the dangers of what he was doing. However, he obviously thought I was going to and felt ashamed at being caught out doing something he shouldn't, so, expecting a consequence, he reacted to my calm talk as if I had indeed taken a privilege off him and screamed at me for being mean. It was a ludicrous overreaction and as a consequence of it he ended up having to sit on the sofa for six minutes. For the first minute of that time he yelled at me about how mean I am and how much he hates me. Then he got off the sofa and lay down on the floor. I picked him up and gently placed him back on the sofa. He seemed exasperated and shouted at me "WHY DON'T YOU HURT ME?" Hearing him say that chilled my blood. I wondered if something in the way I'd picked him up had triggered a memory. The fact that I had done it gently seemed to puzzle him, as if he was expecting me to push him or throw him. He needed time to calm down, and there were only a couple of minutes left of his time on the sofa, so I calmly replied "because I never would" and pretended to busy myself nearby.
When the timer when off I sat down to talk to him about why he had to have time on the sofa (not because of the bike but his yelling) and he apologised. Then we had a little conversation:
- "Why did you ask me why I wouldn't hurt you? You know that children should never be hurt".
- "Why?"
- "Because it's wrong".
- "No it's not".
- "Yes it is. And you know it. Your old mum and dad hurt you and you know that was wrong. That's why they weren't allowed to keep you".
He seemed to ponder this for a few seconds and then he asked if he could go back out to play on his bike, so I said he could as long as he wore his helmet and stuck to the areas where he's allowed to ride.
A while later we went into the bank and opened a bank account for him. While we were there we decided to eat out, and Robbie tried sushi for the first time (not to his taste, but he was happy to try a bit of everything before settling for the more familiar noodles and chicken). I reminded him that he'd said he'd read after lunch and therefore we'd be doing that when we got home. We did a bit of shopping and Robbie made a point of holding Glen's hand and choosing to go with Glen every time we briefly went separated as one of us looked at one thing and the other at another.
When we got back home I sat down with Robbie to read a short easy book. He pretended to struggle with words that I know he knows and I told him not to mess about. He was having none of it and by the second page he screamed at me and shoved the book across the table. I asked him to sit on the sofa for six minutes as a consequence and he went to go up the stairs instead. I asked him to stop and he turned around and said "go on, hurt me". Once again I said I wasn't going to and never would, no matter how far he pushed. He yelled back "but I want you to!"
I let him do his “time” on the stairs. After five minutes he got up and left, so we told him to go back to his step and started the count again. He refused to and kept shouting but eventually sat down. I sat nearby and throughout the whole six minutes he insulted me (You're mean! You hate me!) and threatened to hit me, hoping to get a reaction. I didn't acknowledge any of his comments and got on with doing something else. Glen, however, got fed up of hearing him and told him he'd have to do a full 10 minutes. I didn't agree, but it had been said and so I enforced it. Robbie changed tactic and from insults he went to crying and saying how sorry he was for most of the remaining five minutes.
When the time was over, we tried to talk to him and get him to apologise. We seemed to be getting there and then he turned around and slapped my shoulder. Glen told him that as a consequence he'd have no Wii for a week. Robbie snapped back that he wasn't bothered as we're going on holiday and won't be around to play it for the next couple of weeks anyway (is he six or sixteen?) so Glen, not about to be outsmarted, told him that he'd have it back in three weeks' time. Despite Robbie's protests Glen told him that hitting always has a serious consequence and it has to stop.
I reminded Robbie that all the commotion had started because he didn't want to read and no matter what he does to stop the original intended outcome it will always happen, so we sat down to read his book and he read it very well without any struggle.
The rest of the afternoon and evening went well, but he kept snubbing me for Glen at every available opportunity and making a show of it. He gave him hugs, thanked him for his dinner... even during his bedtime story (which we normally read with him wedged between us) he leant on Glen and made sure there was no physical contact with me at all. When we put him to bed I gave him a good night kiss and said I loved him, like I do every night. He replied he loved me too. I said I was glad to hear that and as I spoke my voice gave away how emotional I was feeling.
I was completely physically and emotionally drained. We'd heard of children who get stressed about not being physically chastised as to them that signals the end of the punishment, but it had never occurred to us that Robbie may feel that way. I also couldn't help wondering if he feels he doesn't deserve something like a trip to Spain and is trying to sabotage it.
Monday, 23 August 2010
Were you paying attention?
Ok, so I've been in Spain and the last couple of posts were done in a hurry from a cafe that had free wi-fi. Does that excuse posting the entry for 1st August before I posted the entry for 31st July? Whatever the answer I've sorted it now. It may make a little more sense. Or maybe not.
On the plus side, while I was away I was able to catch up with writing, so I should be able to bring the blog up to date soon (I hope)!
On the plus side, while I was away I was able to catch up with writing, so I should be able to bring the blog up to date soon (I hope)!
Sunday 1st August (day 107): Another barbecue
Robbie Slept 13 hours until 10 am. When he came into our bedroom he gave Glen a hug and cuddled up to him, ignoring me. I asked him for a hug and he gave me one, though. When we went downstairs Glen stepped out to the garden and nearly tripped over Robbie's pedal truck, which had been left right outside the patio doors. Glen asked Robbie to move his truck out of the way and he snapped back with attitude, so Glen took his truck away for the day.
We had breakfast in the garden and afterwards Robbie and I tried to put together a Meccano car that he'd brought from his foster home. It's very fiddly and he is way too young for it so 40 minutes later we'd not got very far. I was disappointed as he'd asked if we could make it and I'd hoped it would give us some time doing something he enjoyed together, but he was frustrated by how difficult it was and didn't enjoy it.
In the afternoon Jonathan and Stuart came over with Connor and we went for a bike ride which lasted two hours. When we got back the kids played outside with the neighbourhood kids while the adults had a chat and a drink. Then we fired the barbecue and had a few burgers. It was very nice to see Robbie and Connor get on so well with each other, as they don't always. They stayed out playing until 8, which is quite late for both of them.
After they'd gone we gave Robbie his milk drink, read him a story and put him to bed. He looked a bit pale and was really tired. I felt his forehead and it was a bit hot, so we hope he's not going to fall ill two days before we travel to Spain!
We had breakfast in the garden and afterwards Robbie and I tried to put together a Meccano car that he'd brought from his foster home. It's very fiddly and he is way too young for it so 40 minutes later we'd not got very far. I was disappointed as he'd asked if we could make it and I'd hoped it would give us some time doing something he enjoyed together, but he was frustrated by how difficult it was and didn't enjoy it.
In the afternoon Jonathan and Stuart came over with Connor and we went for a bike ride which lasted two hours. When we got back the kids played outside with the neighbourhood kids while the adults had a chat and a drink. Then we fired the barbecue and had a few burgers. It was very nice to see Robbie and Connor get on so well with each other, as they don't always. They stayed out playing until 8, which is quite late for both of them.
After they'd gone we gave Robbie his milk drink, read him a story and put him to bed. He looked a bit pale and was really tired. I felt his forehead and it was a bit hot, so we hope he's not going to fall ill two days before we travel to Spain!
Sunday, 22 August 2010
Saturday 31st July (day 106): Entertaining Robbie's friends and their families
First thing in the morning Robbie came into our bedroom to play on our bed. After a while we went downstairs to prepare breakfast. When I asked Robbie to put his slippers on I got attitude back, so I gave him a warning. Then he got lippy again when I asked what cereal he wanted, so Glen decided he would not have any cereal and just have plain toast instead. We don't like to use food as a consequence for his behaviour, but its not like we were denying him any food (he could have as much toast as he wanted). We were letting him know that treats like chocolate spread are earned by not talking back.
We'd invited several of Robbie's school friends and their parents over for a barbecue, so we spent the morning tidying up and making preparations for it. Robbie watched TV for a while and then helped out by cleaning out the trampoline, hoovering the living room carpet and getting the garden chairs out of the garage. He seemed to be a lot calmer today and only moaned a little about having to help out. It's not so long ago that he used to volunteer for jobs all the time!
We had a really nice afternoon and early evening. The kids had a good time and played well together. There were a few small incidents but no more than you'd expect when you put seven six-year-olds together. Our only hiccup came when Robbie fell over and grazed his hand and knee. When Glen said he'd need to put some stuff on it to disinfect it Robbie, who doesn't like the fact that the disinfectant stings, retorted that if he did then he'd punch him. Glen didn't rise up to it; he just said "oh, you'll punch me will you?" and when Robbie realised what he'd said he apologised.
The adults also had a good time. The kids entertained themselves quite well and we all got to have a chilled afternoon, getting to know each other better. We did get the full 20 questions, but it felt like it was out of genuine curiosity. The other parents have known each other a long time so we were the newbies! One thing we were really pleased about is that a couple of the parents mentioned that their kids have been giving them a lot of attitude and challenging their authority since school broke up. So maybe Robbie's attitude for the last few days has less to do with attachment and more to do with the lack of structure that school provides?
After everyone left we cleared up some of the mess (Robbie decided he's not letting other kids play in his room any more) and then Robbie had a bath, a story, and went to bed. As Glen and I put the garden chairs away in the garage our neighbour told us how happy Robbie looked today playing with his friends. That made it all worth it.
We'd invited several of Robbie's school friends and their parents over for a barbecue, so we spent the morning tidying up and making preparations for it. Robbie watched TV for a while and then helped out by cleaning out the trampoline, hoovering the living room carpet and getting the garden chairs out of the garage. He seemed to be a lot calmer today and only moaned a little about having to help out. It's not so long ago that he used to volunteer for jobs all the time!
We had a really nice afternoon and early evening. The kids had a good time and played well together. There were a few small incidents but no more than you'd expect when you put seven six-year-olds together. Our only hiccup came when Robbie fell over and grazed his hand and knee. When Glen said he'd need to put some stuff on it to disinfect it Robbie, who doesn't like the fact that the disinfectant stings, retorted that if he did then he'd punch him. Glen didn't rise up to it; he just said "oh, you'll punch me will you?" and when Robbie realised what he'd said he apologised.
The adults also had a good time. The kids entertained themselves quite well and we all got to have a chilled afternoon, getting to know each other better. We did get the full 20 questions, but it felt like it was out of genuine curiosity. The other parents have known each other a long time so we were the newbies! One thing we were really pleased about is that a couple of the parents mentioned that their kids have been giving them a lot of attitude and challenging their authority since school broke up. So maybe Robbie's attitude for the last few days has less to do with attachment and more to do with the lack of structure that school provides?
After everyone left we cleared up some of the mess (Robbie decided he's not letting other kids play in his room any more) and then Robbie had a bath, a story, and went to bed. As Glen and I put the garden chairs away in the garage our neighbour told us how happy Robbie looked today playing with his friends. That made it all worth it.
Friday 30th July (day 105): The anger begins to fade
Robbie came into our bedroom and got into our bed as soon as he woke up. He gave Glen a cuddle but was distant with me. I gave him a hug and whispered in his ear that I loved him. Then I told him that yesterday was yesterday and today's today, so we'd be starting again. He relaxed and we went downstairs for our breakfast. I still got a bit of backchat when I told him to finish his milk and then again when I asked him to get washed, but it never came to anything.
Once he was ready I took him to a school friend's house, where he'd been invited for a playdate. I had planned to get lots of things done while he was away, but I was so knackered that as soon as I got home I went to bed and slept for a couple of hours.
When I picked him up he was in a good mood. I was keen for us to spend time together doing something he would enjoy to "offset" the bad times so on the way home I told him I would play with him if he wanted to or we could do anything he fancied together. He said that if they were around he'd rather play with the other kids, which was fair enough. I'm not going to stop him from playing with his friends just so we can have some quality time.
He played out with the neighbourhood kids for a while and they came to ask me if I would take them to the nearby play area. They are not allowed to go there in their own, so they always need an adult to go with them. I said I'd come but I was about to bring the washing in from the line, so if they wanted me to come along sooner rather than later they'd have to help me bring it in. It was great to have three little helpers! I made a mental note to offer to take them again when I need the car washed or something...
We rode our bikes to the play area and then I tried to leave them to play by themselves and not get involved, but I guess I was a novelty and they soon got me to play tag and hide and seek with them. When we got back they played on our trampoline and by dinner time Robbie was exhausted, so he went to bed shortly afterwards.
The fact that we'd managed a whole day without a fight felt like a real achievement after the last few days. Hopefully he's let go of the tension that the contact session with his siblings created and we can move on.
Once he was ready I took him to a school friend's house, where he'd been invited for a playdate. I had planned to get lots of things done while he was away, but I was so knackered that as soon as I got home I went to bed and slept for a couple of hours.
When I picked him up he was in a good mood. I was keen for us to spend time together doing something he would enjoy to "offset" the bad times so on the way home I told him I would play with him if he wanted to or we could do anything he fancied together. He said that if they were around he'd rather play with the other kids, which was fair enough. I'm not going to stop him from playing with his friends just so we can have some quality time.
He played out with the neighbourhood kids for a while and they came to ask me if I would take them to the nearby play area. They are not allowed to go there in their own, so they always need an adult to go with them. I said I'd come but I was about to bring the washing in from the line, so if they wanted me to come along sooner rather than later they'd have to help me bring it in. It was great to have three little helpers! I made a mental note to offer to take them again when I need the car washed or something...
We rode our bikes to the play area and then I tried to leave them to play by themselves and not get involved, but I guess I was a novelty and they soon got me to play tag and hide and seek with them. When we got back they played on our trampoline and by dinner time Robbie was exhausted, so he went to bed shortly afterwards.
The fact that we'd managed a whole day without a fight felt like a real achievement after the last few days. Hopefully he's let go of the tension that the contact session with his siblings created and we can move on.
Tuesday, 17 August 2010
“My Weird and Wonderful Family”, Gay dads on Channel 4
I forgot to mention that on 26th July Glen and I sat and watched the Channel 4 programme “My Weird and Wonderful Family” about the gay dads who have conceived five children through surrogacy. When we finished watching, I wrote this email to the Radio Times:
Subject: Gay dads
Date: Mon, 26 Jul 2010
My partner and I are gay dads (we adopted a 6-year-old boy a few months ago). Since surrogacy isn't really an option for most (unless incredibly rich), the vast majority of gad dads in this country came to parenthood through adoption. This means we had to go through a very strict process of assessment, matching and placement, like any heterosexual adopter (some may say even harder). Our experience of being gay dads and our son's experiences at school and with other kids (and their parents) could not have been any more positive.
We watched "My Weird and Wonderful Family" (Weds 21st C4) and found it entertaining, cringeworthy, illuminating, funny and sad. What we most certainly didn't feel as gay dads was any kind of similarity between the Drewitt-Barlows and us. I don't believe it's their intention to make everyone assume that every gay dad is like them, but sadly some people might. I just want to let those people know that the Drewitt-Barlows are as representative of gay dads as Katie Price and her husbands are of heterosexual parents in general.
Fernando
As I mentioned before, an edited version of the letter was printed on their 7th August Issue.
Subject: Gay dads
Date: Mon, 26 Jul 2010
My partner and I are gay dads (we adopted a 6-year-old boy a few months ago). Since surrogacy isn't really an option for most (unless incredibly rich), the vast majority of gad dads in this country came to parenthood through adoption. This means we had to go through a very strict process of assessment, matching and placement, like any heterosexual adopter (some may say even harder). Our experience of being gay dads and our son's experiences at school and with other kids (and their parents) could not have been any more positive.
We watched "My Weird and Wonderful Family" (Weds 21st C4) and found it entertaining, cringeworthy, illuminating, funny and sad. What we most certainly didn't feel as gay dads was any kind of similarity between the Drewitt-Barlows and us. I don't believe it's their intention to make everyone assume that every gay dad is like them, but sadly some people might. I just want to let those people know that the Drewitt-Barlows are as representative of gay dads as Katie Price and her husbands are of heterosexual parents in general.
Fernando
As I mentioned before, an edited version of the letter was printed on their 7th August Issue.
Monday, 16 August 2010
Thursday 29th July (day 104): I’m the mean one
Today we barely saw Robbie all day. After his breakfast he asked if he could go and play outside and we said yes. He spent the whole day with the neighbourhood kids, to-ing and fro-ing between theirs for a DVD, ours for the trampoline and just playing outside. They rode their bikes, played hide and seek, football, races... He came in for his lunch and then a drink and an ice cream, but other than that he was out of the house for most of the day until dinner time. Glen got on with work and I made the most of Robbie's absence to dust and hoover the whole house (how sad) and catch up with a couple of jobs that needed sorting.
Just as we were finishing our dinner the neighbours rang the doorbell to let us know that Robbie's bike was still outside. Glen put it away in the garage and while he did that I asked Robbie, who is normally very careful with his belongings, how come he'd left it outside. He jumped down my throat, shouting that he had because he wanted to. I told him not to shout at me and he kept on shouting, so I said that as a consequence he wouldn't be allowed on the Wii tomorrow. He got really angry and Glen took him upstairs for his bath. While it was running Glen and I had a quick word and came up with a new rule so we told him that every time he shouts unprovoked like that he'll lose a day in his DS. He replied that he "always" shouts at me so the best thing to do is not to speak to me at all. I said it would be a pity if that was the case and left him in the bath. Glen stepped in and while he helped him with the bath, he told Robbie that he didn't understand why he shouts at me but not at him. Robbie told him that he doesn't think I like him and that I'm mean to him. Glen then asked Robbie if he used to shout at his old mum, and Robbie said that yes he did, because she was horrible to him. Glen tried to make him understand that if you shout at people they will assume you don't like them. He also told him that I love him very much and listed a few of the things I've organised for him, such as the days out, his football training, etc. Then he told Robbie that he should apologise to me.
When he got out of the bath I stood on the bathroom doorway. Robbie stared at me and then muttered an apology. I accepted his apology, but then told him that I guessed he doesn't like me because he shouts at me all the time. He said that he does like me, and I told him that he needs to prove it with actions, not with words.
Glen called him in for his bedtime story. We'd just agreed I wouldn't lie on the bed with them. When Robbie noticed that I wasn't coming in he told Glen that he didn't care if I wasn't there. Glen told him that was not a nice thing to say and as a consequence there wouldn’t be a story at all. Robbie became really distraught. He's never lost his story as a consequence before, and he loves being read his bedtime story. Glen put him to bed and Robbie shouted at him that we must hate him and we don't care for him. He was so out of control that he banged his head on the wall by accident. When Glen tried to comfort him he wouldn't let Glen anywhere near him. He was clearly OK so Glen just put him to bed and said good night. I told him that we both love him and shut the door. Robbie cried at the top of his lungs for half an hour before he went to sleep.
Needless to say we felt awful and mean, but we also think that this has been brewing for a while and the tension needed to come out. Hopefully he’ll calm down. We'll see how things turn out tomorrow.
Just as we were finishing our dinner the neighbours rang the doorbell to let us know that Robbie's bike was still outside. Glen put it away in the garage and while he did that I asked Robbie, who is normally very careful with his belongings, how come he'd left it outside. He jumped down my throat, shouting that he had because he wanted to. I told him not to shout at me and he kept on shouting, so I said that as a consequence he wouldn't be allowed on the Wii tomorrow. He got really angry and Glen took him upstairs for his bath. While it was running Glen and I had a quick word and came up with a new rule so we told him that every time he shouts unprovoked like that he'll lose a day in his DS. He replied that he "always" shouts at me so the best thing to do is not to speak to me at all. I said it would be a pity if that was the case and left him in the bath. Glen stepped in and while he helped him with the bath, he told Robbie that he didn't understand why he shouts at me but not at him. Robbie told him that he doesn't think I like him and that I'm mean to him. Glen then asked Robbie if he used to shout at his old mum, and Robbie said that yes he did, because she was horrible to him. Glen tried to make him understand that if you shout at people they will assume you don't like them. He also told him that I love him very much and listed a few of the things I've organised for him, such as the days out, his football training, etc. Then he told Robbie that he should apologise to me.
When he got out of the bath I stood on the bathroom doorway. Robbie stared at me and then muttered an apology. I accepted his apology, but then told him that I guessed he doesn't like me because he shouts at me all the time. He said that he does like me, and I told him that he needs to prove it with actions, not with words.
Glen called him in for his bedtime story. We'd just agreed I wouldn't lie on the bed with them. When Robbie noticed that I wasn't coming in he told Glen that he didn't care if I wasn't there. Glen told him that was not a nice thing to say and as a consequence there wouldn’t be a story at all. Robbie became really distraught. He's never lost his story as a consequence before, and he loves being read his bedtime story. Glen put him to bed and Robbie shouted at him that we must hate him and we don't care for him. He was so out of control that he banged his head on the wall by accident. When Glen tried to comfort him he wouldn't let Glen anywhere near him. He was clearly OK so Glen just put him to bed and said good night. I told him that we both love him and shut the door. Robbie cried at the top of his lungs for half an hour before he went to sleep.
Needless to say we felt awful and mean, but we also think that this has been brewing for a while and the tension needed to come out. Hopefully he’ll calm down. We'll see how things turn out tomorrow.
Wednesday 28th August (day 103): Who’s in control?
Through the mothers of other kids from school we’d found out about a free football coaching session near us in the afternoon, so after breakfast and getting ready I took Robbie to get a new pair of football socks. On the way and in the shop he constantly snapped back at me over everything I said to him. I did my best to stay calm, though it wasn’t easy!
After lunch I took him to the football training session. I was keen to try providing positive feedback and let him see that his input is helpful, as someone suggested in a comment, so as we drove I asked him to help me navigate and when we got there made sure to thank him and let him know how we couldn’t have got there without his help. While he was at football I spoke to Miranda about the “falling / pushing” incident and she just told me to remember there will be bad days and not worry about it. Robbie knows he is in a safe environment, no matter what he says. When I picked him up he seemed to be in a much better mood. He had blood on his knee after scraping it whilst playing, so as soon as we got home he had a shower and then we cleaned his “wound” and put a plaster on it.
Glen and I were having one of those days when we don’t seem to communicate at all. I asked him to sort out Robbie’s snack and he gave him sweets. When I said that only reinforces the image of me being mean (we normally give him a piece of fruit and a glass of juice) he replied that Robbie had asked for the sweets so he had given them to him. I could have murdered him there and then…
I got Robbie to write a card for his sister, whose birthday is coming up, and we wrapped it together with a present for her. Then we went into the town centre to send it to Sarah, who will then pass it on to Stacey’s carer. On the way we stopped in a toy shop as Robbie had a gift voucher he’d been given a while ago and he decided to spend it on a water gun. I treated myself to a big present and bought myself an iPad, even though I really shouldn’t have. So we were both happy bunnies with our new toys.
After that we popped into the supermarket and bought some tomatoes for our fish and salad dinner. Robbie wasn’t pleased about it as he dislikes both fish and tomatoes. He also wanted to get home and try his water gun. As soon as we got home Glen pointed out to me that I actually bought the fish. He then made Robbie go back to the supermarket with him. Robbie complained as he really wanted to try his water gun, and Glen placed the blame squarely on me as I had forgotten the fish. I just had to get out of the house for a while, so I took myself swimming for half an hour. When I got back, Robbie was sulking because Glen was making a salad. Glen had told him to do as he was told, and I was glad to see Glen having to discipline him for a change.
With all these delays we ended up having a really late dinner. Robbie ate all his dinner and we pointed out to him how even though he doesn’t like the idea of eating fish, he actually quite likes it. Robbie got off the table without folding his napkin, which he’s expected to do, and I said he had to get back and do it. He said he needed a wee. I know very well by now that when Robbie doesn’t want to do something he says he needs the loo, so I said he needed to fold his napkin first. He did it with a scowl and then we sent him to get changed, read him his story and put him to bed.
After that Glen and I sat down to discuss the day’s events and clear the air after all our misunderstandings. Glen said to me that I was too strict about the napkin. At the end of the day he could have gone to the toilet and then folded his napkin. I knew that, but that wasn’t the point. My point was that for Robbie it was a question of control and deciding when he chooses to do what he’s been asked to do. He knew he’d have to fold the napkin, he just didn’t want to do it straight away. If I’d let him go to the loo first, Robbie would have interpreted that as “winning” and he needs to understand that we are the ones who make the decisions and not him. I know it’s strict, but I don’t think it’s too strict if we want to have a child who understands roles and boundaries.
After lunch I took him to the football training session. I was keen to try providing positive feedback and let him see that his input is helpful, as someone suggested in a comment, so as we drove I asked him to help me navigate and when we got there made sure to thank him and let him know how we couldn’t have got there without his help. While he was at football I spoke to Miranda about the “falling / pushing” incident and she just told me to remember there will be bad days and not worry about it. Robbie knows he is in a safe environment, no matter what he says. When I picked him up he seemed to be in a much better mood. He had blood on his knee after scraping it whilst playing, so as soon as we got home he had a shower and then we cleaned his “wound” and put a plaster on it.
Glen and I were having one of those days when we don’t seem to communicate at all. I asked him to sort out Robbie’s snack and he gave him sweets. When I said that only reinforces the image of me being mean (we normally give him a piece of fruit and a glass of juice) he replied that Robbie had asked for the sweets so he had given them to him. I could have murdered him there and then…
I got Robbie to write a card for his sister, whose birthday is coming up, and we wrapped it together with a present for her. Then we went into the town centre to send it to Sarah, who will then pass it on to Stacey’s carer. On the way we stopped in a toy shop as Robbie had a gift voucher he’d been given a while ago and he decided to spend it on a water gun. I treated myself to a big present and bought myself an iPad, even though I really shouldn’t have. So we were both happy bunnies with our new toys.
After that we popped into the supermarket and bought some tomatoes for our fish and salad dinner. Robbie wasn’t pleased about it as he dislikes both fish and tomatoes. He also wanted to get home and try his water gun. As soon as we got home Glen pointed out to me that I actually bought the fish. He then made Robbie go back to the supermarket with him. Robbie complained as he really wanted to try his water gun, and Glen placed the blame squarely on me as I had forgotten the fish. I just had to get out of the house for a while, so I took myself swimming for half an hour. When I got back, Robbie was sulking because Glen was making a salad. Glen had told him to do as he was told, and I was glad to see Glen having to discipline him for a change.
With all these delays we ended up having a really late dinner. Robbie ate all his dinner and we pointed out to him how even though he doesn’t like the idea of eating fish, he actually quite likes it. Robbie got off the table without folding his napkin, which he’s expected to do, and I said he had to get back and do it. He said he needed a wee. I know very well by now that when Robbie doesn’t want to do something he says he needs the loo, so I said he needed to fold his napkin first. He did it with a scowl and then we sent him to get changed, read him his story and put him to bed.
After that Glen and I sat down to discuss the day’s events and clear the air after all our misunderstandings. Glen said to me that I was too strict about the napkin. At the end of the day he could have gone to the toilet and then folded his napkin. I knew that, but that wasn’t the point. My point was that for Robbie it was a question of control and deciding when he chooses to do what he’s been asked to do. He knew he’d have to fold the napkin, he just didn’t want to do it straight away. If I’d let him go to the loo first, Robbie would have interpreted that as “winning” and he needs to understand that we are the ones who make the decisions and not him. I know it’s strict, but I don’t think it’s too strict if we want to have a child who understands roles and boundaries.
Tuesday 27th July (day 102): Everything goes wrong
We had a really good morning routine without any incidents. I dropped Robbie off at his football summer camp, which we've booked for every Tuesday of the holidays together with another couple of boys from his class. While he was at camp Glen and I went to our session with Alice. We talked about how well contact had gone but how tense he'd been afterwards and his perception of me as mean. Alice thinks that as his primary carer Robbie associates me with the role of his mother and he needs to test whether I'll react to him the way she used to do. For the same reason she thinks that he’s most afraid to get attached to me, as it would give me the power to hurt him the most, which he’s not yet ready to give. She thinks that’s why he’ll come to me for a quick cuddle or to sit on my lap momentarily but then he’ll perceive that as lowering his defences and go over to Glen, who is less of a “risk”. Of course, there’s no way to know if this is true, but she’s the expert!
Alice also asked about our initial journey through adoption, our motivations, our expectations when we first started the process and whether they've been met so far. This reminded me of the time during our assessment when Miranda asked us to visualise our life after adoption. My image was of having two children under 5, and sitting at the table making a mess with paints. Glen's was of an older boy of around six doing things with him in the garden. It really hit home how the reality has matched Glen's image of our future as adopters more than mine with regards to number of children, age, and the things we do. Despite the fact that his foster carer told us that Robbie loved doing crafts and drawing, he always refuses to do anything like that. Instead, he loves helping Glen in the garden. It's not that I have a problem with that and I'm very happy that we were matched with Robbie, but the point Alice was trying to make us see is that there is a discrepancy between my original expectations and reality.
After I picked a very sweaty Robbie up from his football training we went home and he had a shower. He loves being dried after a bath or shower and it's usually a good moment to talk to him, so I tried to address the point he made yesterday about me being nasty and explain to him that the consequences I (or Glen for that matter) give him are a result of his behaviour, and it's his behaviour that he needs to learn to control. He started yelling that I am nasty to him and began to shake with anger, so I tried to get some distance between us to avoid him hitting me and having to give him a consequence for it. I told him we needed to be away from each other for a couple of minutes, picked him up and put him down gently by the bathroom door while I tried to rinse the shower. He tried to come back to me and I stretched my arm out to keep him at arm's length by the door. He backed down and then ran towards my hand, but I kept him away again. He then did it one more time and as he met my outstretched arm he fell backwards onto the landing carpet. He wasn't hurt at all, but as he was already beside himself he interpreted it as me pushing him and started to shout that I'd hurt him. I'm not trying to embellish a story here. If I really had lost control and pushed him in the heat of the moment I would admit to it, but I didn't. I tried to comfort him but he rejected me. All he could do was shout that I pushed him and hurt him. I couldn't believe what was happening. After our counselling session I was trying to get Robbie to see that I'm not nasty so that he doesn't associate me with his birth parents and the result is that he interprets what happens as violence, the thing he used to get from them. How could it have gone so wrong?
I fetched Glen from downstairs and quickly explained what had happened. Glen tried to calm Robbie down but Robbie just growled at him, so Glen told him to stay in his room until he was calm and ready to talk to us.
A few minutes later he came downstairs. We all sat on the sofa and he let me hold him in my arms. I tried to explain how i was trying to keep him away from me and hadn't pushed him and he started to shout over my words, not listening. I was so wound up that I just shouted "shut up!". The moment I'd done it I regretted it of course. Robbie was shocked. I think we all were for a few seconds. I told Robbie to give me five minutes to calm down and then we'd talk again. I was in a state, wound up about what had happened and feeling guilty and helpless about a situation that seemed to be spiralling out of control. Glen suggested I go for a swim to get out of the house and just as I was about to Robbie came back down from his room.
The first thing I did was apologise for shouting. He accepted my apology. Then I calmly asked him to tell me what had happened in the bathroom. It was very important to me that he understand that I hadn't pushed him as I never want him to think that I would hurt him. Our entire relationship is built on the premise that he came to us so we could keep him safe from harm, and that must not be compromised. As he told me the story he said "as I tried to get back inside I fell down". I pointed out that he'd said he'd fallen down, not that I pushed him, and he seemed to accept this. We had a hug and I went out for a swim to help me calm down and put some distance between us.
I got back home an hour later feeling refreshed but also guilty. As the adult I'm supposed to be the one who can control his emotions, and I felt I'd let myself down when I shouted at him. Robbie was out on his bike. When he saw me he came to me. I gave him a hug and said I don't like it when we fight. He nodded. I then tried to give him a kiss on the cheek and he pulled back (he doesn't like kisses in public and we were in the street). As he pulled back he made an awkward movement and scratched his leg on his bike. He shouted "you hurt me!" and I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Once again my attempt to make a positive connection had ended with a negative one. I just felt like I simply couldn't win.
I went inside and tried to busy myself and stay away from Robbie. I walked past his room as he was playing with his toy cars and he called me in, gave me a hug and told me that he loved me.
The rest of the afternoon went by without any further incidents. He baked a loaf of bread with Glen and then read a book with me. At dinner time we told him about our trip to Spain and he was really excited. Later, he was happily singing to himself as he brushed his teeth.
After his bedtime story we put him to bed. I said goodnight and told him I loved him. He said he loved me too and pulled my check affectionately. I also pulled his and he suddenly said “that hurts”. He’d worked out that saying that something I do hurts him really upsets me and he likes to have control over me, but I wasn't falling for it this time. I calmly told him "no it doesn’t" and he was cross that I hadn't fallen for it, but I just turned off the light and left his room.
Ten minutes later he came out of his room with an excuse and sought me. I took him back to bed. He hugged me and told me how much he loves me, so at least we ended the day on a positive.
I fear that my relationship with Robbie is shaping up to be too emotional. It's all ups and downs rather than the happy medium that Glen manages. It was foolish of me to try and address how he sees me so close after contact, but he seemed so fine this morning that I didn't think. Given the way he reacted when I tried to get him to talk about his feelings after the shower I have made a resolution not to talk about emotions for a while and not to let him see how much control he has over my emotions if I can.
Alice also asked about our initial journey through adoption, our motivations, our expectations when we first started the process and whether they've been met so far. This reminded me of the time during our assessment when Miranda asked us to visualise our life after adoption. My image was of having two children under 5, and sitting at the table making a mess with paints. Glen's was of an older boy of around six doing things with him in the garden. It really hit home how the reality has matched Glen's image of our future as adopters more than mine with regards to number of children, age, and the things we do. Despite the fact that his foster carer told us that Robbie loved doing crafts and drawing, he always refuses to do anything like that. Instead, he loves helping Glen in the garden. It's not that I have a problem with that and I'm very happy that we were matched with Robbie, but the point Alice was trying to make us see is that there is a discrepancy between my original expectations and reality.
After I picked a very sweaty Robbie up from his football training we went home and he had a shower. He loves being dried after a bath or shower and it's usually a good moment to talk to him, so I tried to address the point he made yesterday about me being nasty and explain to him that the consequences I (or Glen for that matter) give him are a result of his behaviour, and it's his behaviour that he needs to learn to control. He started yelling that I am nasty to him and began to shake with anger, so I tried to get some distance between us to avoid him hitting me and having to give him a consequence for it. I told him we needed to be away from each other for a couple of minutes, picked him up and put him down gently by the bathroom door while I tried to rinse the shower. He tried to come back to me and I stretched my arm out to keep him at arm's length by the door. He backed down and then ran towards my hand, but I kept him away again. He then did it one more time and as he met my outstretched arm he fell backwards onto the landing carpet. He wasn't hurt at all, but as he was already beside himself he interpreted it as me pushing him and started to shout that I'd hurt him. I'm not trying to embellish a story here. If I really had lost control and pushed him in the heat of the moment I would admit to it, but I didn't. I tried to comfort him but he rejected me. All he could do was shout that I pushed him and hurt him. I couldn't believe what was happening. After our counselling session I was trying to get Robbie to see that I'm not nasty so that he doesn't associate me with his birth parents and the result is that he interprets what happens as violence, the thing he used to get from them. How could it have gone so wrong?
I fetched Glen from downstairs and quickly explained what had happened. Glen tried to calm Robbie down but Robbie just growled at him, so Glen told him to stay in his room until he was calm and ready to talk to us.
A few minutes later he came downstairs. We all sat on the sofa and he let me hold him in my arms. I tried to explain how i was trying to keep him away from me and hadn't pushed him and he started to shout over my words, not listening. I was so wound up that I just shouted "shut up!". The moment I'd done it I regretted it of course. Robbie was shocked. I think we all were for a few seconds. I told Robbie to give me five minutes to calm down and then we'd talk again. I was in a state, wound up about what had happened and feeling guilty and helpless about a situation that seemed to be spiralling out of control. Glen suggested I go for a swim to get out of the house and just as I was about to Robbie came back down from his room.
The first thing I did was apologise for shouting. He accepted my apology. Then I calmly asked him to tell me what had happened in the bathroom. It was very important to me that he understand that I hadn't pushed him as I never want him to think that I would hurt him. Our entire relationship is built on the premise that he came to us so we could keep him safe from harm, and that must not be compromised. As he told me the story he said "as I tried to get back inside I fell down". I pointed out that he'd said he'd fallen down, not that I pushed him, and he seemed to accept this. We had a hug and I went out for a swim to help me calm down and put some distance between us.
I got back home an hour later feeling refreshed but also guilty. As the adult I'm supposed to be the one who can control his emotions, and I felt I'd let myself down when I shouted at him. Robbie was out on his bike. When he saw me he came to me. I gave him a hug and said I don't like it when we fight. He nodded. I then tried to give him a kiss on the cheek and he pulled back (he doesn't like kisses in public and we were in the street). As he pulled back he made an awkward movement and scratched his leg on his bike. He shouted "you hurt me!" and I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Once again my attempt to make a positive connection had ended with a negative one. I just felt like I simply couldn't win.
I went inside and tried to busy myself and stay away from Robbie. I walked past his room as he was playing with his toy cars and he called me in, gave me a hug and told me that he loved me.
The rest of the afternoon went by without any further incidents. He baked a loaf of bread with Glen and then read a book with me. At dinner time we told him about our trip to Spain and he was really excited. Later, he was happily singing to himself as he brushed his teeth.
After his bedtime story we put him to bed. I said goodnight and told him I loved him. He said he loved me too and pulled my check affectionately. I also pulled his and he suddenly said “that hurts”. He’d worked out that saying that something I do hurts him really upsets me and he likes to have control over me, but I wasn't falling for it this time. I calmly told him "no it doesn’t" and he was cross that I hadn't fallen for it, but I just turned off the light and left his room.
Ten minutes later he came out of his room with an excuse and sought me. I took him back to bed. He hugged me and told me how much he loves me, so at least we ended the day on a positive.
I fear that my relationship with Robbie is shaping up to be too emotional. It's all ups and downs rather than the happy medium that Glen manages. It was foolish of me to try and address how he sees me so close after contact, but he seemed so fine this morning that I didn't think. Given the way he reacted when I tried to get him to talk about his feelings after the shower I have made a resolution not to talk about emotions for a while and not to let him see how much control he has over my emotions if I can.
Sunday, 15 August 2010
Monday 26th July (day 101): Contact with siblings
We got up early for our trip to the "neutral ground" city where we were meeting Robbie's siblings and their respective carers but still managed to leave later than we'd planned. Glen and I were nervous for Robbie (would he behave well? How would the nerves affect him? Would he regress to the same behaviour and dynamics he used to display with them?) and about meeting the other kids and adults (how would they react to us? Would the kids ask any awkward questions or tease Robbie for having two dads?) Robbie was also really nervous about seeing his brother and sister for the first time in months and as we approached our destination kept reaching out from the back seat to touch our shoulders.
We managed to be only five minutes late. As soon as we arrived we could see the others waiting by the car park. Robbie raced to where they were standing and then stopped short to wait for us. He gave his sister Stacey a hug but had to be told to give one to his brother Martin too. Soon the three of them were racing to the play area, where they interacted well with each other. Their social worker Sarah was there too. She never actually introduced the adults to each other, which was a bit awkward.
Martin's adoptive father and I pushed the kids on the different swings and then we all sat down to have our packed lunches on a bench. We talked about the things that the kids like to eat and generally stayed within "safe" topics of conversation until Sarah took the kids off to another nearby play area so that they could be together without any adopters present and she could talk to them. Then the adults took the opportunity to talk about some of the behaviours that the kids display. At one point I feared it may turn into a contest of whose child had done the worst thing, but Sarah came back and after an ice cream stop we all made our way to the pond to feed the ducks. Martin's dad carried him on his shoulders, so Robbie asked me to do the same thing. Stacey's carer can't carry her, so Glen took carried her on his shoulders so all three would be the same.
When it came to say goodbye, Stacey brought out a small present for Robbie and one for Martin and Martin produced gifts for Stacey and Robbie too. We were the only ones who hadn't thought about it and were mortified and a little cross with both Sarah and Miranda, who might have told us that this was the done thing! The kids gave each other a hug and posed for pictures. The adults also said farewell with handshakes and hugs.
All in all contact lasted just over two hours. We were really pleased with how well it had gone. We had fears of the kids being violent or nasty towards each other or the carers and adopters not getting on, but in the end it all turned out well. Even though we'd seen pictures, it was strange to see then together. Now that we've met the birth parents you could see the resemblance to them and also between the siblings. There are very good reasons why the authorities decided the children were to be placed separately, but seeing them together made you think that they belong together. Glen and I even discussed that it may be beneficial for the kids to see each other more often than once a year if they are to maintain a meaningful connection.
On the way back we reinforced with Robbie how well it had gone and how nice everyone was. He was very quiet and played on his DS for most of the way. As soon as we got home the tension from the contact obviously got to him. Glen had a work call to make and disappeared upstairs to his home office for the next hour. I sat with Robbie on the sofa and he came and gave me a big hug. I told him how well he'd done and he got really angry, saying he hadn't. He then softly kicked my foot. I stayed calm and just looked at him and said "no". He wanted me to react, so he kicked me again. I warned him that if he did that again there would be a consequence. He shouted at me that I was mean, but managed to control himself and didn't try to hit me anymore. Eventually he calmed down and I took him to the supermarket to get some popcorn and caffeine-free coke for the "cinema" afternoon we’d planned.
When we got back we drew the curtains, popped the popcorn and sat down to watch a DVD. We chose "Meet the Robinsons", a Disney cartoon about a boy who was abandoned at an orphanage and looks for his family only to find that he's already made a family who are probably better than his birth family. The message is to put the past behind and "keep moving forward". While we watched the film Robbie at first sat on the floor with Glen. When he got tired of sitting on the floor, he sat by my side on the sofa. At that moment Glen decided to get off the floor as well and lay on the other sofa. Robbie got off the sofa I was sitting on and went to lie with Glen for the whole duration of the film. At one point he came over to me and gave me a hug, but then he went back to Glen's side.
After the film was over we had pizza for dinner as a treat. Since he was calm, I asked him what he meant when he said that I was mean earlier. Did he think I'm mean every day when I have to tell him off for little things or did he think I'm mean when I have to give him a consequence for a serious behaviour like hitting? His answer was that I'm mean after he's hit me. I tried to make him understand that it's a consequence of his behaviour, but he can't seem to make the connection. Glen then asked him if he thinks he's ever mean and Robbie said that Glen's never mean.
We dropped the topic and after he'd brushed his teeth we read him his bedtime story. After we'd finished reading I picked him up to carry him to his bed and he asked me to let him go as he wanted Glen to carry him. I know Robbie doesn't realise (or maybe he does?), but every time he rejects me in favour of Glen it feels like a stab. When he said I was the mean one and every time he went to Glen I felt like saying "I came up with the idea of the DVD, I chose it, I got the popcorn and coke and pizzas!" It's not that I want the credit or him to be grateful, I just hate being the baddie!
After we put him to bed I rang Annie. She was very pleased to hear how well contact had gone. The carer and adopter of the other two siblings don't keep in touch with her at all, so she was really glad to hear news about them.
We managed to be only five minutes late. As soon as we arrived we could see the others waiting by the car park. Robbie raced to where they were standing and then stopped short to wait for us. He gave his sister Stacey a hug but had to be told to give one to his brother Martin too. Soon the three of them were racing to the play area, where they interacted well with each other. Their social worker Sarah was there too. She never actually introduced the adults to each other, which was a bit awkward.
Martin's adoptive father and I pushed the kids on the different swings and then we all sat down to have our packed lunches on a bench. We talked about the things that the kids like to eat and generally stayed within "safe" topics of conversation until Sarah took the kids off to another nearby play area so that they could be together without any adopters present and she could talk to them. Then the adults took the opportunity to talk about some of the behaviours that the kids display. At one point I feared it may turn into a contest of whose child had done the worst thing, but Sarah came back and after an ice cream stop we all made our way to the pond to feed the ducks. Martin's dad carried him on his shoulders, so Robbie asked me to do the same thing. Stacey's carer can't carry her, so Glen took carried her on his shoulders so all three would be the same.
When it came to say goodbye, Stacey brought out a small present for Robbie and one for Martin and Martin produced gifts for Stacey and Robbie too. We were the only ones who hadn't thought about it and were mortified and a little cross with both Sarah and Miranda, who might have told us that this was the done thing! The kids gave each other a hug and posed for pictures. The adults also said farewell with handshakes and hugs.
All in all contact lasted just over two hours. We were really pleased with how well it had gone. We had fears of the kids being violent or nasty towards each other or the carers and adopters not getting on, but in the end it all turned out well. Even though we'd seen pictures, it was strange to see then together. Now that we've met the birth parents you could see the resemblance to them and also between the siblings. There are very good reasons why the authorities decided the children were to be placed separately, but seeing them together made you think that they belong together. Glen and I even discussed that it may be beneficial for the kids to see each other more often than once a year if they are to maintain a meaningful connection.
On the way back we reinforced with Robbie how well it had gone and how nice everyone was. He was very quiet and played on his DS for most of the way. As soon as we got home the tension from the contact obviously got to him. Glen had a work call to make and disappeared upstairs to his home office for the next hour. I sat with Robbie on the sofa and he came and gave me a big hug. I told him how well he'd done and he got really angry, saying he hadn't. He then softly kicked my foot. I stayed calm and just looked at him and said "no". He wanted me to react, so he kicked me again. I warned him that if he did that again there would be a consequence. He shouted at me that I was mean, but managed to control himself and didn't try to hit me anymore. Eventually he calmed down and I took him to the supermarket to get some popcorn and caffeine-free coke for the "cinema" afternoon we’d planned.
When we got back we drew the curtains, popped the popcorn and sat down to watch a DVD. We chose "Meet the Robinsons", a Disney cartoon about a boy who was abandoned at an orphanage and looks for his family only to find that he's already made a family who are probably better than his birth family. The message is to put the past behind and "keep moving forward". While we watched the film Robbie at first sat on the floor with Glen. When he got tired of sitting on the floor, he sat by my side on the sofa. At that moment Glen decided to get off the floor as well and lay on the other sofa. Robbie got off the sofa I was sitting on and went to lie with Glen for the whole duration of the film. At one point he came over to me and gave me a hug, but then he went back to Glen's side.
After the film was over we had pizza for dinner as a treat. Since he was calm, I asked him what he meant when he said that I was mean earlier. Did he think I'm mean every day when I have to tell him off for little things or did he think I'm mean when I have to give him a consequence for a serious behaviour like hitting? His answer was that I'm mean after he's hit me. I tried to make him understand that it's a consequence of his behaviour, but he can't seem to make the connection. Glen then asked him if he thinks he's ever mean and Robbie said that Glen's never mean.
We dropped the topic and after he'd brushed his teeth we read him his bedtime story. After we'd finished reading I picked him up to carry him to his bed and he asked me to let him go as he wanted Glen to carry him. I know Robbie doesn't realise (or maybe he does?), but every time he rejects me in favour of Glen it feels like a stab. When he said I was the mean one and every time he went to Glen I felt like saying "I came up with the idea of the DVD, I chose it, I got the popcorn and coke and pizzas!" It's not that I want the credit or him to be grateful, I just hate being the baddie!
After we put him to bed I rang Annie. She was very pleased to hear how well contact had gone. The carer and adopter of the other two siblings don't keep in touch with her at all, so she was really glad to hear news about them.
Sunday 25th July (day 100): "It's obvious that he prefers Glen"
Robbie got up at 9 and came into our bedroom. While we were in a good mood and comfortable in bed we brought up the subject of seeing his siblings again. We told him how everyone now lives in new families who have taught them how to be nice, so he shouldn't worry and everyone will be nice. We also told him that all of them are more grown up and it’s a bit like a new start. He shouted that he didn’t want to see them and we changed subject and went downstairs for breakfast.
We'd arranged to see our friends Phil and Elisabeth, Robbie's guardians, and so we started to get ready. When I told Robbie to get in the bath he threw himself on the floor screaming that he didn't want to. I told him in no uncertain terms that he will not do that anymore and it's not acceptable.
When we were ready to go I told Robbie that he needed to go for a wee before we got in the car. He screamed at me that I don’t know if he needs a wee or not. I told him I didn't want to be screamed at and as a consequence took away his star Wars light sabre, which he'd picked as his choice of toy for the car journey. He cried, telling me how unfair I am. A few minutes later we had a chat and I explained why I'd taken his light sabre away. He accepted it was a consequence of his actions and after a few more minutes we were counting red cars and he was delighted to be winning.
We got to Phil and Elisabeth's and went over for a walk. We fed ducks and had ice creams enjoying the lovely weather. Phil is really good with Robbie, plays with him and makes him laugh. He got him involved in safely lighting the barbecue and cooking burgers Robbie loved being given responsibility. While we waited Robbie and I played with his frisbee. It was nice to have a chance to do something fun with him without getting shouted at.
During dinner, Robbie sat on Glen's lap for the entire duration except when he came over and sat on mine for about 30 seconds. Elisabeth commented on how obvious it is that he prefers Glen to me. Later she asked me if I was ok, as it seemed to her that I wasn't myself. I must say Robbie managed to get to me and I was tense and fed up of his constant snubbing in favour of Glen. I fell asleep on the journey back and when I woke up we were nearly home. Before I opened my eyes I could hear Robbie laughing really hard. He and Glen were playing "I spy" and saying silly things like “I spy something beginning with L.A.L.O.T.L: Lots and lots of traffic lights!". Both of them thought it was hilarious and laughing endlessly. I have never heard Robbie laugh with me like that. I was really jealous about the way Glen can naturally be playful and silly and all I seem to be able to do is discipline and do educational things.
When we got home we remembered we'd stripped the beds earlier in the day but never got round to making the beds, so Robbie helped me to make his bed. He told me about how he used to help his foster carer strip and make the beds, and how he and his brother used to do it together. I pointed out that he and his brother must have done nice things together and he accepted this, but I didn't take it any further. After we'd finished we read him a story and put him to bed.
So our hundredth day passed without a major incident but with me feeling rejected by Robbie. That doesn't stop me from acknowledging the positives. Looking back it's amazing how far we've come in this short amount of time (I say short because I know it's short, but it hasn't felt short at all!). We haven't had any lying for a while, nor any violence. He clearly feels comfortable with us and is happy to hear us say "I love you" and say it back. He's done wonderfully at school and made many friends, and his confidence and self-esteem, although still low, are much better than when he arrived and claimed to be rubbish at everything. Our lives are completely different to what they used to be, and it feels like he's been here forever (in a good way). We certainly love him as if he'd been part of the family since he was born, but haven't fallen down the trap of "forgetting" what he's been through and the circumstances that led to his being in care. There's a long way to go and work to be done, but it doesn't feel scary or like a chain around our necks at all. We're a lot more confident in our own abilities as parents now, and have also learnt to accept that we do and will continue to make mistakes without constantly beating ourselves up about it. No matter how many books or accounts you read, I don't think anything can really prepare you for adoption (although they certainly helped!) and the effect it will have on your life. I am exhausted like I've never been before, physically and mentally. But I love that little boy and love having him in our lives.
We'd arranged to see our friends Phil and Elisabeth, Robbie's guardians, and so we started to get ready. When I told Robbie to get in the bath he threw himself on the floor screaming that he didn't want to. I told him in no uncertain terms that he will not do that anymore and it's not acceptable.
When we were ready to go I told Robbie that he needed to go for a wee before we got in the car. He screamed at me that I don’t know if he needs a wee or not. I told him I didn't want to be screamed at and as a consequence took away his star Wars light sabre, which he'd picked as his choice of toy for the car journey. He cried, telling me how unfair I am. A few minutes later we had a chat and I explained why I'd taken his light sabre away. He accepted it was a consequence of his actions and after a few more minutes we were counting red cars and he was delighted to be winning.
We got to Phil and Elisabeth's and went over for a walk. We fed ducks and had ice creams enjoying the lovely weather. Phil is really good with Robbie, plays with him and makes him laugh. He got him involved in safely lighting the barbecue and cooking burgers Robbie loved being given responsibility. While we waited Robbie and I played with his frisbee. It was nice to have a chance to do something fun with him without getting shouted at.
During dinner, Robbie sat on Glen's lap for the entire duration except when he came over and sat on mine for about 30 seconds. Elisabeth commented on how obvious it is that he prefers Glen to me. Later she asked me if I was ok, as it seemed to her that I wasn't myself. I must say Robbie managed to get to me and I was tense and fed up of his constant snubbing in favour of Glen. I fell asleep on the journey back and when I woke up we were nearly home. Before I opened my eyes I could hear Robbie laughing really hard. He and Glen were playing "I spy" and saying silly things like “I spy something beginning with L.A.L.O.T.L: Lots and lots of traffic lights!". Both of them thought it was hilarious and laughing endlessly. I have never heard Robbie laugh with me like that. I was really jealous about the way Glen can naturally be playful and silly and all I seem to be able to do is discipline and do educational things.
When we got home we remembered we'd stripped the beds earlier in the day but never got round to making the beds, so Robbie helped me to make his bed. He told me about how he used to help his foster carer strip and make the beds, and how he and his brother used to do it together. I pointed out that he and his brother must have done nice things together and he accepted this, but I didn't take it any further. After we'd finished we read him a story and put him to bed.
So our hundredth day passed without a major incident but with me feeling rejected by Robbie. That doesn't stop me from acknowledging the positives. Looking back it's amazing how far we've come in this short amount of time (I say short because I know it's short, but it hasn't felt short at all!). We haven't had any lying for a while, nor any violence. He clearly feels comfortable with us and is happy to hear us say "I love you" and say it back. He's done wonderfully at school and made many friends, and his confidence and self-esteem, although still low, are much better than when he arrived and claimed to be rubbish at everything. Our lives are completely different to what they used to be, and it feels like he's been here forever (in a good way). We certainly love him as if he'd been part of the family since he was born, but haven't fallen down the trap of "forgetting" what he's been through and the circumstances that led to his being in care. There's a long way to go and work to be done, but it doesn't feel scary or like a chain around our necks at all. We're a lot more confident in our own abilities as parents now, and have also learnt to accept that we do and will continue to make mistakes without constantly beating ourselves up about it. No matter how many books or accounts you read, I don't think anything can really prepare you for adoption (although they certainly helped!) and the effect it will have on your life. I am exhausted like I've never been before, physically and mentally. But I love that little boy and love having him in our lives.
Saturday, 7 August 2010
10,000 visitors, a letter printed, and a break
After a few days away (when I’ve been too busy to post anything) we got back to the UK last night. I logged on to this blog this morning to find that it’s passed the 10,000 visitor mark! I’m pleased and at the same time slightly puzzled that people want to read my endless ramblings…
Speaking of reading my ramblings, an excerpt from a letter I sent to the Radio Times has been published on their reader feedback pages this week. I wrote it after we watched “My Weird and Wonderful Family”, the TV programme about the gay couple who have had five children through surrogacy, to make a point that the family in question are not really representative of any of the gay parents I have ever met.
There will be no updates for another week as we go away again and I shall be disconnected from the internet. I am desperately trying to catch up with this blog, though, and hopefully once I get back I should be able to post a whole load of updates.
Speaking of reading my ramblings, an excerpt from a letter I sent to the Radio Times has been published on their reader feedback pages this week. I wrote it after we watched “My Weird and Wonderful Family”, the TV programme about the gay couple who have had five children through surrogacy, to make a point that the family in question are not really representative of any of the gay parents I have ever met.
There will be no updates for another week as we go away again and I shall be disconnected from the internet. I am desperately trying to catch up with this blog, though, and hopefully once I get back I should be able to post a whole load of updates.
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