A threat from the birth parents and the planning meeting

It’s been a really busy and difficult few days since I posted the last message last week! Last Wednesday we received a phonecall from Miranda explaining that Boy H’s birth parents have been informed of the plan to place their son with a gay couple and are “not keen” (her words). They say that they will consult a solicitor to stop it from happening. Miranda explained that they can oppose the placing order. They cannot use the fact that we are gay as a reason to oppose it and therefore would need to prove that it’s in the child’s best interest not to be placed and remain in foster care, or would have to prove that their circumstances have changed (from what we hear, they haven’t).

Obviously we realise this may come to nothing as they may not actually carry out their threat to go to a solicitor and it may have been a gut reaction upon hearing about it. Even if they do go and speak to a solicitor, they may get legal advice not to proceed. But of course we are quite anxious about it. This is quite difficult to cope with because we do understand the instinct of wanting to keep your child and of wanting the best for him. Obviously they don’t perceive being placed with a gay couple as a good thing for their child and we only wish we could meet them to explain that we want to take care of him, and that we won’t be dressing him in pink glitter, “turn” him gay, make him give up football and play with dolls, or whatever “horrors” they may be imagining being brought up by a gay couple may be like.

We must thank everyone who gave us advice and support on Wednesday as it was a really difficult day and we had a great response from friends and New Family Social members.

Anyway, the following day we had our planning meeting. We met Miranda at a cafe and had a quick drink and catch up about birth family and contact. Then we drove to the council offices and by the time we had parked we were almost 15 minutes late. The planning meeting was quite thorough. As well as Miranda and us, also present were a chairperson, Boy H’s Social worker, his family finder, his foster carer and her link worker. The foster carer had brought more photos, which we were allowed to keep. We planned all of the introductions. We would meet him after Easter and gradually do more and more activities with him. At the weekend the foster carers would bring him to our house and he’s spend at least one night here so that eventually he can move in a couple of weeks after we start introductions. There would be two review meetings in the middle. H will have a say, and if he’s reacting badly his opinion would be taken into consideration, which we’re glad to hear. The last thing we would want is to take a child home who doesn’t want to live with us!

Regarding the birth family, apparently the most likely thing is that they wouldn’t get leave of court to challenge the placement order. However, while this decision is made, there would be a delay to the placement, which is the last thing we want. We can now get in touch with schools and also need to prepare the DVD and book. We also discussed the possibility of getting a passport for him in case an emergency comes up with my family in Spain and we need to travel. The meeting lasted about three house and we were exhausted by the end of it, but really looking forward to everything that’s been planned. From what we understand, in most local authorities you go to matching panel first and then, after the match has been approved, you have the planning meeting. But here it’s the other way around, and making all these plans and decisions was a bit surreal knowing that we haven’t been matched yet. We have to get on with getting his room ready (decorating, furnishing...) so we can take pictures for the introductions book and DVD and start visiting schools for him but still the possibility of being turned down at panel is there, as is the possibility of legal procedure delays. Having got this far and done all this, it will be incredibly difficult and even harder to accept if the matching panel say no. We just have to believe that it will happen, as otherwise we won’t be able to cope with doing all this.