Age

I realise that I haven’t actually said much about Boy H. Of course, this is a public blog and I will never reveal his real name, where he’s from, or show his picture (in the same way that I’ve never revealed where we live, what local authority is dealing with our process, or the real name of our social worker), but I suppose I can reveal that he’s 6 years old.

When we first started this process, I was keener on a younger child and Glen one an older child. My reasons were mostly the impression that a younger child would be more malleable and less likely to have been affected by whatever trauma had forced them to go into care, and the fact that I want them to learn Spanish (and with a child, the earlier the better). Glen on the other hand was less attracted to the idea of a younger child and thought an older child would be more understanding of his/her own circumstances and easier to communicate and do attachment work with.

Our preparation groups and the books we’ve read on attachment soon dispelled the myth that a younger child is less traumatised by their loss of the birth family. Speaking to our social worker and looking at the childspotting publications, it soon became obvious that first of all there aren’t that many children under two who are up for adoption (given the time it takes for a child to be reported to social services and then processed by the system, it makes sense). Those who are in care and are healthy are snapped up by the prospective adopters in their local authority. Considering that gay couples tend not to be exactly at the top of the wish list for family finders, our chances of a younger child were even smaller. The other thing we noticed in the childspotting magazines is that the younger children that tend to appear have more severe mental or physical conditions, or have had more traumatic experiences than many of the older children that are featured. Older children also are aware of why they had to be adopted. Many of them remember the abuse or neglect they suffered, or the circumstances that led to being taken into care. Whilst some may think that this is hardly positive, it does mean that it’s easier for them to understand why they cannot live with their birth parents. They can also understand that they are safer in their new environment.

As for learning Spanish... well, I did have to compromise on that one. I hope that meeting his Spanish cousins, aunt, uncle and grandparents will encourage a child we’re eventually matched with to want to learn the language. I will certainly promote it and hope that he will.