As the gay proverb goes... “I just can’t get you out of my head”. It’s been nearly two weeks since Miranda mentioned a sibling group and we looked into another and we can’t seem to get them out of our heads. It’s silly because we don’t think either group will really be a match, but once you’ve read the details of a child, those details stay with you. Their names, ages, what they like to do... you suddenly find yourself wondering how well they’d fit with us (and us with them), if they’d like the house, if they’d get on with the kids we know who are of similar ages... It’s just as well we’re not being shown all links Miranda’s following or we’d go insane.
There’s another thing I can’t get out of my head. “The Wheels of the Bus!” The kids were singing it at school today for what seemed like hours (but was probably just two minutes) and it’s been in going round and round (round and round) in my head for the rest of the day.
Monday, 28 September 2009
Wednesday, 23 September 2009
Carpet down – work almost done
Although the major work on the loft conversion finished a few weeks ago, today we finally had the last of the new carpets put in. With me being away it turned into a bit of a nightmare trying to organise it all. The plumber still needs to come to fix a shower and the carpet people have left so many marks on the walls that they will all need a new coat (even though they were done only two months ago), but today it finally feels like it’s all done!
The problem we faced today was trying to work out what goes where now that we have a new room. Most of our furniture seems to be in the wrong room (everything had to be moved out of the way so that the carpets could be laid) and all our books are in boxes. But the big decision was how many rooms to leave empty in case we are matched. “How many rooms...” that sounds like we live in a mansion! We don’t. We had a three-bedroom house and now with the loft conversion we have four rooms. So one is our bedroom, another is the new bedroom in the loft - which is now a guest bedroom but also serves as Glen’s study when he works from home - and we have two other rooms. One has always been the office where I work from and the other was the guest bedroom. That room is now empty and ready for a child to move in. But what to do with my study? We didn’t know whether to leave it empty as well. Miranda has told us that if we adopt two children and they’ve been used to sleeping in separate rooms their social worker would prefer to keep that arrangement. I could work from the loft as well, but Glen and I trying to work in the same room is probably not a good idea. For starters he likes to listen to the radio while he works and I need complete silence. In the end we’ve decided to set up my study again. It’s bad enough having one empty room. It feels a bit weird having a room that you don’t use it and that is emotionally charged with the possibility that it may one day be our child(ren)’s bedroom but also may not be at all.
And now that I have typed it and think about it, it’s a bit much of social services to expect a family wanting to adopt two children to have a house with two “spare” rooms, isn’t it? I grew up sharing a room with my brother and, although both of us would rather not have shared, that was the way it was and that was that. Mind you, if we were matched with a sibling group that was a boy and a girl it would make sense, I suppose.
The problem we faced today was trying to work out what goes where now that we have a new room. Most of our furniture seems to be in the wrong room (everything had to be moved out of the way so that the carpets could be laid) and all our books are in boxes. But the big decision was how many rooms to leave empty in case we are matched. “How many rooms...” that sounds like we live in a mansion! We don’t. We had a three-bedroom house and now with the loft conversion we have four rooms. So one is our bedroom, another is the new bedroom in the loft - which is now a guest bedroom but also serves as Glen’s study when he works from home - and we have two other rooms. One has always been the office where I work from and the other was the guest bedroom. That room is now empty and ready for a child to move in. But what to do with my study? We didn’t know whether to leave it empty as well. Miranda has told us that if we adopt two children and they’ve been used to sleeping in separate rooms their social worker would prefer to keep that arrangement. I could work from the loft as well, but Glen and I trying to work in the same room is probably not a good idea. For starters he likes to listen to the radio while he works and I need complete silence. In the end we’ve decided to set up my study again. It’s bad enough having one empty room. It feels a bit weird having a room that you don’t use it and that is emotionally charged with the possibility that it may one day be our child(ren)’s bedroom but also may not be at all.
And now that I have typed it and think about it, it’s a bit much of social services to expect a family wanting to adopt two children to have a house with two “spare” rooms, isn’t it? I grew up sharing a room with my brother and, although both of us would rather not have shared, that was the way it was and that was that. Mind you, if we were matched with a sibling group that was a boy and a girl it would make sense, I suppose.
Tuesday, 22 September 2009
Back to school
Although Glen has continued a lot of the Beavers activities for the summer, I hadn’t been to the nursery where I volunteer since July. On Monday I went back for the new term. There have been quite a few changes. They no longer have any four or five year-olds, so I will now be working with the twos and threes. On Monday we did some drawing and then made butterfly cakes. The kids had a blast mixing all the ingredients in the bowl and then spooning the final mixture into the individual paper cases. We then put them in the oven and they were really pleased when they came out magically turned into cakes! While we were mixing the ingredients, their teacher (they call them “aunties”) asked the kids if they knew where eggs came from. “Trees!” came the first reply...
After cakes they played with their toys. There were five boys and two girls in the group, so inevitably the boys pushed each other until one of them started crying. When we calmed him down another got pushed and we started all over again. I read them a few (short) books at the end and we all had a great time. It’s amazing how quickly kids get used to you. Since I had never been with this group before, they were a bit shy when I first came into their classroom, but after a couple of hours they were trying to hug me and climb on me (you have to discourage physical contact so I had to put them down gently). As one of the mums came to pick up her son, he pointed at me and said “we’ve got a new auntie!”
After cakes they played with their toys. There were five boys and two girls in the group, so inevitably the boys pushed each other until one of them started crying. When we calmed him down another got pushed and we started all over again. I read them a few (short) books at the end and we all had a great time. It’s amazing how quickly kids get used to you. Since I had never been with this group before, they were a bit shy when I first came into their classroom, but after a couple of hours they were trying to hug me and climb on me (you have to discourage physical contact so I had to put them down gently). As one of the mums came to pick up her son, he pointed at me and said “we’ve got a new auntie!”
Friday, 18 September 2009
2010?
Yesterday I completely forgot to mention that Miranda told us that unless we’ve found a link within the next month (highly unlikely considering she wasn’t exactly optimistic or bombarding us with potential links) then nothing will happen until the new year. They don’t like to do introductions or have children move in around Christmas time as it may be confusing for them (of course, given the choice of spending Christmas in care or with a new family most children would choose to spend it in care???). So that could be us waiting at least until 2010... I know it’s only three and a half months away, but still. We’ve only just got back from “nothing happens in the summer because social workers are on holiday” and we’re now into “everything halts at Christmas”. No wonder there’s so many children waiting to be adopted!
Thursday, 17 September 2009
Social worker visit
Miranda left an hour ago. I spent the whole morning unable to do much “proper” work as I couldn’t concentrate. I couldn’t stop wondering if she’d bring any news, so I caught up with work emails instead. After lunch I started cleaning the house (I was working from home and my work hours are flexible). I know that social workers are supposed to see your house as it is in its normal state, but I didn’t have a chance to do much cleaning and I always feel the need to clean before she is due to visit. Glen was working from home as well and pretending to do something really important to avoid any “you may want to help me tidy up” looks I might want to throw his way. In fairness he does the cooking, washing and ironing, so I can’t complain. After I finished hoovering, Glen knocked over a plant pot, which cracked on the floor and sent soil all over the place. I concentrated on cleaning the downstairs loo and left him to his own devices, as frankly I was quite ready to scream. Miranda’s car was parked by the side of the house for a good 15 minutes before she rang the doorbell. I kept wondering if she was dealing with something urgent or whether she just hadn’t looked at our paperwork since the last time she came to visit and was having a quick look to remind herself of who we were...
Glen was on the phone to his mum, who was having a small crisis at home, and left me to make small talk with Miranda once she came in. I offered her a coffee and inadvertently filled her mug to the brim. I warned her that it was a bit full, but inevitably she spilled it all over herself, which made me feel like I was a muppet for not pouring some of the coffee out before giving the mug to her.
Anyhow, she explained how the matching process works: how sometimes we may want to get in touch about children we have seen in a magazine, or how social workers get in touch if they see our details in the National Adoption Register, or she may send our details after seeing information about a child. I mentioned the links that the woman at the Adoption Register had mentioned and she said that she was following some of those. She then showed us the profiles of two boys that had come up. She wanted to know if they were the sort of children we might go for. Both Glen and I read the profiles (they were 2-page summaries, not the full reports) and agreed that they sounded like a possible match. She said that they’re more of a sample for her to get an idea as those children have had quite a few links, but she had sent their social worker our profile just in case. She also mentioned in passing another child of Mediterranean descent whose details have been sent to her. When we asked if there was anything to report on that child she just said that it was “bubbling away”.
She asked if there had been any children in the magazines that we were interested in, and we mentioned a sibling group that we’d discussed. We made the point that if they are featured in the magazines it’s probably because there’s a circumstance that makes them hard to place. She replied that whilst that applies to most of the children, especially if they are just one child, it may not be the case if they are sibling groups. There aren’t that many adopters willing to take more than one child at a time, and so some authorities “advertise” their sibling groups in the magazines purely because there is more than one child, not because they are necessarily hard to place.
We mentioned the adoption exchange days and she’s happy for us to go to the one in December. Apparently the consortium formed by our local authority and other nearby ones also arrange exchange days, but none are planned at the moment.
We have agreed that she will only let us know of prospective links if it looks like they may get somewhere (i.e. if the child’s social worker has shown some interest), so it’s difficult to know what’s happening (if at all) behind the scenes. After she left I said to Glen that I thought she was being a bit cagey today. Glen thinks she’s just reverted to her cooler self now that she doesn’t see us that often. She’s agreed to get in touch in a couple of months for an update. In the meantime we’ll see her at the adopters’ day out that the local authority has organised next month.
Glen was on the phone to his mum, who was having a small crisis at home, and left me to make small talk with Miranda once she came in. I offered her a coffee and inadvertently filled her mug to the brim. I warned her that it was a bit full, but inevitably she spilled it all over herself, which made me feel like I was a muppet for not pouring some of the coffee out before giving the mug to her.
Anyhow, she explained how the matching process works: how sometimes we may want to get in touch about children we have seen in a magazine, or how social workers get in touch if they see our details in the National Adoption Register, or she may send our details after seeing information about a child. I mentioned the links that the woman at the Adoption Register had mentioned and she said that she was following some of those. She then showed us the profiles of two boys that had come up. She wanted to know if they were the sort of children we might go for. Both Glen and I read the profiles (they were 2-page summaries, not the full reports) and agreed that they sounded like a possible match. She said that they’re more of a sample for her to get an idea as those children have had quite a few links, but she had sent their social worker our profile just in case. She also mentioned in passing another child of Mediterranean descent whose details have been sent to her. When we asked if there was anything to report on that child she just said that it was “bubbling away”.
She asked if there had been any children in the magazines that we were interested in, and we mentioned a sibling group that we’d discussed. We made the point that if they are featured in the magazines it’s probably because there’s a circumstance that makes them hard to place. She replied that whilst that applies to most of the children, especially if they are just one child, it may not be the case if they are sibling groups. There aren’t that many adopters willing to take more than one child at a time, and so some authorities “advertise” their sibling groups in the magazines purely because there is more than one child, not because they are necessarily hard to place.
We mentioned the adoption exchange days and she’s happy for us to go to the one in December. Apparently the consortium formed by our local authority and other nearby ones also arrange exchange days, but none are planned at the moment.
We have agreed that she will only let us know of prospective links if it looks like they may get somewhere (i.e. if the child’s social worker has shown some interest), so it’s difficult to know what’s happening (if at all) behind the scenes. After she left I said to Glen that I thought she was being a bit cagey today. Glen thinks she’s just reverted to her cooler self now that she doesn’t see us that often. She’s agreed to get in touch in a couple of months for an update. In the meantime we’ll see her at the adopters’ day out that the local authority has organised next month.
Wednesday, 16 September 2009
Putting off childspotting in magazines
One of the family finding publications arrived the other day and we read the profiles of several of the children whose details appear on it. There are several possibilities that we would consider and we decided to look at it later after thinking it over a bit longer. When we went to bed we talked again about the children we had been reading about. The children featured in the childspotting magazines (as I call them to try and desensitise myself from them) are “hard to place children” for the most part; that is why their family finders need to publish their details in the magazines. We feel a bit funny about enquiring about them as it feels like scraping the bottom of the barrel a bit too early. I know this sounds really harsh, but we do believe that we should give Miranda a proper chance to find a child/children who aren’t necessarily hard to place (although we know that all children in care have a number of issues, of course). So we have decided to give our local authority a full year until we go for children featured in the magazines (unless one clearly stands out for one reason or another).
Miranda is coming tomorrow for an update visit. We will discuss what progress has been made, our profile, and also we will ask her about the Adoption Register exchange days.
Miranda is coming tomorrow for an update visit. We will discuss what progress has been made, our profile, and also we will ask her about the Adoption Register exchange days.
Tuesday, 15 September 2009
Media reaction to Elton John’s adoption wish.
As you may have seen in the news, Elton John and David Furnish have announced they want to adopt a 14-month old Ukrainian boy they met at a centre for children of HIV-positive parents. The adoption may not be achievable as Ukraine does not allow gay adoptions and have a rule that parents cannot be older than the child by more than 45 years. Also, as the boy has a brother, they would need to adopt both children.
I think it would be great if there were several high-profile gay adopters for people to see that there’s nothing wrong with gay adoption. However, at least in the way it’s been reported, the story appears to be that although David Furnish had been wanting to adopt for a while, Elton John has only been keen on the idea for the last couple of weeks. To go from nothing to openly talking about it in the press in the space of a fortnight seems like not a lot of thought has gone into the decision, and adopting is not something one does on impulse.
Unusually, the Daily Mail reports the story by sticking to the facts in their main piece. They leave the venom for their columnist Amanda Platell, who in a piece titled “Sorry, but Elton John is too selfish to be a father”, criticises Elton John’s suitability. Now, we may or may not agree that someone who travels all the time and is hardly ever home (as he has said) is suitable to be an adopter. What Amanda Platell bases her first argument against the adoption is on the fact that Elton is gay. Talking about the 14-month old and his brother, she says
“What they need most is a Mum and a Dad. Oh, we can beat around the bush as much as we like, but all evidence shows that a child has the best life outcomes if he or she is adopted into a stable, married traditional family - and that means a mother and a father, not two dads. Elton John and his partner David Furnish may have been together for years and (after their civil partnership four years ago) are 'married' in the eyes of the law. But I remain utterly convinced that vulnerable children are best placed with a heterosexual married couple. It's certainly what the Ukrainian authorities believe to be right. Gay adoption is illegal in Ukraine, ruling Elton's chances out, unless he can secure special dispensation. (As Madonna has proved in Malawi, adoption rules are famously made to be broken by the famous).”
The full column is here.
Andrew Pierce of the Daily Telegraph objects to the adoption on the basis of the behaviour that Elton John displayed on the documentary “Tantrums and Tiaras”, filmed in 1996. I hope nobody is ever going to judge my suitability to be a parent based on how I behaved 13 years ago! More worryingly, he states that “as an adopted gay man, I have had no interest in having children of my own. I support those who want to but would never denigrate those who think it is in the best interests of the child to be with a man and woman. On balance, I think it is.” So now we have gay adopted reporters saying that a child’s best interest is to be adopted by a heterosexual couple. I can’t help but wonder what kind of research Andrew Pierce has done before making such a statement. Is he just talking from his own experience? Since he was not adopted by a same-sex couple, how has he arrived at his conclusion? He ends his article by suggesting Elton John should adopt a cat instead, which is the line that appears at the front of the paper today. To say to someone who wants to adopt (regardless of who they are or how impulsive the decision is) that they should adopt a cat IS denigrating.
Full article is here.
I think it would be great if there were several high-profile gay adopters for people to see that there’s nothing wrong with gay adoption. However, at least in the way it’s been reported, the story appears to be that although David Furnish had been wanting to adopt for a while, Elton John has only been keen on the idea for the last couple of weeks. To go from nothing to openly talking about it in the press in the space of a fortnight seems like not a lot of thought has gone into the decision, and adopting is not something one does on impulse.
Unusually, the Daily Mail reports the story by sticking to the facts in their main piece. They leave the venom for their columnist Amanda Platell, who in a piece titled “Sorry, but Elton John is too selfish to be a father”, criticises Elton John’s suitability. Now, we may or may not agree that someone who travels all the time and is hardly ever home (as he has said) is suitable to be an adopter. What Amanda Platell bases her first argument against the adoption is on the fact that Elton is gay. Talking about the 14-month old and his brother, she says
“What they need most is a Mum and a Dad. Oh, we can beat around the bush as much as we like, but all evidence shows that a child has the best life outcomes if he or she is adopted into a stable, married traditional family - and that means a mother and a father, not two dads. Elton John and his partner David Furnish may have been together for years and (after their civil partnership four years ago) are 'married' in the eyes of the law. But I remain utterly convinced that vulnerable children are best placed with a heterosexual married couple. It's certainly what the Ukrainian authorities believe to be right. Gay adoption is illegal in Ukraine, ruling Elton's chances out, unless he can secure special dispensation. (As Madonna has proved in Malawi, adoption rules are famously made to be broken by the famous).”
The full column is here.
Andrew Pierce of the Daily Telegraph objects to the adoption on the basis of the behaviour that Elton John displayed on the documentary “Tantrums and Tiaras”, filmed in 1996. I hope nobody is ever going to judge my suitability to be a parent based on how I behaved 13 years ago! More worryingly, he states that “as an adopted gay man, I have had no interest in having children of my own. I support those who want to but would never denigrate those who think it is in the best interests of the child to be with a man and woman. On balance, I think it is.” So now we have gay adopted reporters saying that a child’s best interest is to be adopted by a heterosexual couple. I can’t help but wonder what kind of research Andrew Pierce has done before making such a statement. Is he just talking from his own experience? Since he was not adopted by a same-sex couple, how has he arrived at his conclusion? He ends his article by suggesting Elton John should adopt a cat instead, which is the line that appears at the front of the paper today. To say to someone who wants to adopt (regardless of who they are or how impulsive the decision is) that they should adopt a cat IS denigrating.
Full article is here.
Monday, 7 September 2009
Adopters visit
S&J, the gay couple who live near us and we met at a New Family Social get-together last December, came over for lunch yesterday. We had a lovely afternoon catching up and ate rather a lot of good food. Their son C is a real reminder of how things can really turn out OK when it comes to adoption. After reading “Adoption Today” and all those books on adoption sometimes you find yourself thinking that all placements are destined to end in disruption or with desperate parents who feel like they’ve failed their children. Yesterday C was perfectly behaved, ate everything, was playful, curious, and happy to chat to us and get us involved in his games... I was going to write that they’ve been really lucky with him but I know he’s not been all sweetness and smiles all the time since they adopted him and I’m sure a lot of how well he’s settled has to do with how well they’ve brought him up since he came to live with them. No doubt we’ll be asking them a million questions about how they did it if / when we are matched!
Sunday, 6 September 2009
A match for our fellow prospective adopters
Our fellow prospective adopters R&S went to matching panel last Friday and were matched with a 16-month old boy. They had been due to go to panel at the beginning of August, but it was put back. They will meet him in a few days and have two weeks of introductions planned. The boy’s local authority insisted that they sort out the nursery, buggy etc before going to panel (which we found strange as if they ended up saying “no” they would have got all this for nothing) so at least they don’t need to spend the next few days manically buying all sorts of equipment and decorating. We are really happy for them. They did the preparation groups with us, and as soon as we walked in the door they were the first people we connected with. This also means that they are the second couple out of the three that went to preparation groups with us (there was a fifth couple, but they decided not to proceed) to be matched. The third couple we didn’t keep in touch with, although we heard they were approved last July (they took a while to decide whether they wanted to go ahead or not).
In other news, Miranda has finally sent us the first draft of our profile to be sent out to family finders. We had suggested to her the idea of having pictures of us as children in the profile, and she has done this. We think it’s quite a nice profile, even if it has taken a while to get it sorted. We’ll see whether social workers react well to it.
In other news, Miranda has finally sent us the first draft of our profile to be sent out to family finders. We had suggested to her the idea of having pictures of us as children in the profile, and she has done this. We think it’s quite a nice profile, even if it has taken a while to get it sorted. We’ll see whether social workers react well to it.
Thursday, 3 September 2009
Adoption Register
A friend sent us the URL for the National Adoption Register for England and Wales. The address is http://www.adoptionregister.org.uk.
I called their helpline yesterday and they confirmed that we are now on the register. The woman I spoke to was very helpful and told me the date we were added (that’ll be three days AFTER Miranda told us that we’d been added, hmmmm...). She also told me that there’s been five links to our details from children’s social workers: one for a sibling group and four for single children. That’s all she could tell me. The details will have gone to Miranda, so if she thinks they are worth pursuing she’ll let us know, I guess. We will ask her when she comes to visit in a couple of weeks.
The other thing she mentioned was their exchange days. I mentioned these in the last post but didn’t explain what they are. Basically social workers from local authorities and voluntary agencies turn up with details of their approved adopters and some prospective adopters also turn up with copies of their profiles. On the other side of the exchange are social workers who are family finding for the children in their care. Everyone gets together and reads details in search for a good link that may lead to a match. The information I had read about these events was that your local authority or agency had to invite you to come along to the event, but the woman I spoke to at the Adoption Register explained that once you are on the register you don’t need to go through your agency (although of course you need to let them know!). So she’s going to send us an invitation for the next events, which take place in December.
I called their helpline yesterday and they confirmed that we are now on the register. The woman I spoke to was very helpful and told me the date we were added (that’ll be three days AFTER Miranda told us that we’d been added, hmmmm...). She also told me that there’s been five links to our details from children’s social workers: one for a sibling group and four for single children. That’s all she could tell me. The details will have gone to Miranda, so if she thinks they are worth pursuing she’ll let us know, I guess. We will ask her when she comes to visit in a couple of weeks.
The other thing she mentioned was their exchange days. I mentioned these in the last post but didn’t explain what they are. Basically social workers from local authorities and voluntary agencies turn up with details of their approved adopters and some prospective adopters also turn up with copies of their profiles. On the other side of the exchange are social workers who are family finding for the children in their care. Everyone gets together and reads details in search for a good link that may lead to a match. The information I had read about these events was that your local authority or agency had to invite you to come along to the event, but the woman I spoke to at the Adoption Register explained that once you are on the register you don’t need to go through your agency (although of course you need to let them know!). So she’s going to send us an invitation for the next events, which take place in December.
Wednesday, 2 September 2009
Back in the UK
Back in the UK after almost a month working away! I can’t wait to have children so I can tell work that I can no longer be expected to be away for so long... although by the time we’ve had children I may be looking forward to getting away! : )
We’ve been invited to an adopters’ day out in October by our local authority. They organise this picnic with all their adopters from the area. We weren’t too sure at first whether we’d want to go as most people will have children with them and we don’t want to be the only ones standing there without any kids, but after a few email enquiries I have found that at least two couples we know are attending. Also, much like the NFS meet-ups, it’s always good to talk to adopters, so it should be good.
We emailed Miranda at the end of last week to ask about progress on our profile. Also, a friend told us about a couple of adoption exchange events in October and December and we asked her about those as well. She replied today to say she’ll be working on our profile this week and to arrange a meeting in a couple of weeks’ time. No mention of the adoption exchange days, so we’ll have to ask her about those when she comes to visit.
We’ve been invited to an adopters’ day out in October by our local authority. They organise this picnic with all their adopters from the area. We weren’t too sure at first whether we’d want to go as most people will have children with them and we don’t want to be the only ones standing there without any kids, but after a few email enquiries I have found that at least two couples we know are attending. Also, much like the NFS meet-ups, it’s always good to talk to adopters, so it should be good.
We emailed Miranda at the end of last week to ask about progress on our profile. Also, a friend told us about a couple of adoption exchange events in October and December and we asked her about those as well. She replied today to say she’ll be working on our profile this week and to arrange a meeting in a couple of weeks’ time. No mention of the adoption exchange days, so we’ll have to ask her about those when she comes to visit.
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