The final interview (really final this time)

Miranda came just before 4 and she was here for 3 hours. She had some “leftover” questions for the prospective adopters’ report and also some questions that the panel advisor at our local authority had asked. Some of these were once again about Glen’s father and about how we would address any bullying that our child(ren) may experience because of having gay parents. After answering all the questions she did a little exercise of asking us to write on separate pieces of paper how we imagined a moment on any given day after having adopted. How many children, ages, sex, type of activity we’d be doing... Our answers were quite similar, so I guess that’s good. Then she gave us a copy of the report each and we sat there reading it under her watchful eye. This was a bit unnerving as it felt like a timed reading comprehension exercise! We only had small comments to make regarding spellings and dates, and some phrasing. The second opinion interview has had to be moved to next Monday because it turns out that the social worker who will be doing it is not available on Wednesday after all. Miranda will send the full report once she has input the answers to all the questions we answered today and we will get a chance to read it all again and add our comments. She is hoping to do this by Friday at the latest. Then all that will be left will be to read the second opinion report, which the second social worker will send the day after she visits us.

We were completely exhausted by the time she left. But Miranda has written what we both feel is an accurate and positive report and we were happy with it. And she’s postponed the date for an operation because she didn’t want to be responsible for us having to delay panel date again! This surprised us and it’s incredibly nice of her. While she’s still not the warmest of people, I do think that she has got to know us quite well in the last few months and is clearly on our side, so hopefully she will convey that to the panel and get us approved.

Another referee interview and no report yet

One of the people we put down as a referee got a call from Miranda on Thursday evening to arrange an interview. We are quite surprised by this as all the other referee interviews were done in early December, so we don’t know whether Miranda just forgot to do this one, or whilst putting the report together she has decided that she needs more evidence of support. We can’t decide whether this is a good thing (she is being very thorough and covering all bases) or not-so-good (she thinks we may fail panel and is doing some last-minute salvaging).

We had hoped that we’d get to see the report before we have our final interview with Miranda, but nothing arrived in the post yesterday, so we’re guessing it won’t happen and we’ll have to read it in front of her.

Yesterday we spent the whole day with two good friends of ours and their two boys. We played with the kids and had a great time, and just before we left the kids spontaneously came over, said “thank you for coming to visit us and playing with us”, and gave us a kiss. They are so sweet.

Final interview dates

I’ve been back in the UK for a week, but we took a few days off straight after I got back from Spain and I’ve not been on my PC for five whole days. It was nice to be off together, even if it was in the UK and in cold weather. There were kids off on half-term everywhere, and all of the places we visited had activities for kids, which made us realise that we could have done pretty much the same stuff we’ve done if we had kids with us.

Speaking of doing things with kids, Glen went to the local fire station with the Beavers last week. Yes, I asked and no, there were no cute firemen in uniform.

Miranda rang once more to ask Glen some questions about his family tree and we’ve now got dates for our final interview with her to go through her report: Monday afternoon! She was hoping to post it so we could read it beforehand, but if not we will have to read it and comment on the spot, which I’m not so keen on as I’d prefer to have time to digest the report. It may arrive tomorrow or Monday Morning, but based on past performance we’re thinking it won’t. Then on Wednesday we will have our second opinion interview with another social worker from the local authority. And then... that’ll be it! Panel next. It’s very exciting.

Uncle Fernando

I’ve been in Spain for the last 5 days and making the most of being with the family and spending some time with my nephew and nieces almost every day. On Wednesday I picked up my 7 year-old nephew after his basketball practice. He was very upset as he couldn’t find his basketball and thought that someone had stolen it. We looked for it and sure enough found it straight away further along the playing area. He was really pleased and it was a pleasure seeing him go from tears to smile in such a short time. I took him to my brother’s and made him a snack and then we played on the Wii. Needless to say, he’s much better than me… Then my sister-in-law arrived with my nieces and I helped get them showered, dried and into pyjamas. I never knew getting three children (one after another, not all at the same time) to stand still-ish while you blow-dry their hair involved so much negotiation! We then had dinner together and I went back to my parents’. I really enjoy spending time with the kids and getting the little bits of practice I do, even if I know that if we adopt there won’t be any uncle in the UK to help us out and no returning the kids to their parents after a few hours!

Non-panel date

In my last post I completely forgot to write about last Friday. We have known since mid-January that it wasn’t going to be the case any more, but last Friday (February 6th) was the original panel date we had been given. We were both a bit disappointed on the Thursday evening as the following day was a date that we had been looking forward to and it was marked on our calendar. Also, a couple of friends that we’d forgotten to tell that the panel wasn’t to happen got in touch to wish us good luck, so we had to tell them that it was delayed and so on. But then on Friday when we got up we saw all the snow that had fallen overnight and realised that we couldn’t even drive out of our street let alone the 30 or so miles to where the panel meets. I’m fairly sure that the panel didn’t meet as most people could not get to work in our area. So it really worked out well that we had three weeks to get used to the idea that panel was not happening on that day as opposed to looking forward to it, doing all the last-minute preparation and coping with the nerves only to find on the actual day that we could not make it due to the weather!

How Spanish is our household and my Spanish CRB check

We sent the replies to Miranda’s questions last Friday. She was happy with those but later rang and asked a couple more questions. In her defence she warned us from the beginning that because it’s the first time that she fills in this new form that replaced Form F1, she may have lots of little bits to ask as she goes through the form. We’re not complaining as it means she’s obviously been catching up with our report, which is great.

The questions this time were about how Spanish our household is. We told her that we don’t speak Spanish in the house (well obviously I speak Spanish, but we don’t speak it among ourselves. Glen has done a few courses and gets by OK, but is not fluent), but we do have some traditions such as celebrating Epiphany and my saint’s day (Saint Fernando is on May 30th but there is no Saint Glen – although he claims that he IS Saint Glen for putting up with me but that’s another story). We also mentioned that we cook Spanish food often and I sometimes watch Spanish TV on Sky and listen to Spanish music. Now, I’m not sure if this means that we get “bonus points” if there are any Spanish children to be matched out there, or that we are excluded from any children that do not match our origins (I was going to write “ethnic origin” but it seems a bit silly considering that I am European white, just like any Brit - in fact Glen looks more Mediterranean than I do!). I sincerely hope that our varied background opens doors rather than close them.

Anyway, I’m back in Spain for a few days and yesterday I managed to sort out my Spanish Criminal Record. Glad to report it’s all clear. It was surprisingly painless. Well, painless in the context of Spanish bureaucracy anyway: it did involve queuing to get the form, filling it in, going to a bank to pay €3.47 as they cannot accept any payments at the office, getting the form stamped to prove that I had indeed paid my €3.47, going back, queuing again and getting the form stamped and signed by someone else. Like I say, quite straightforward for Spanish bureaucracy, it only took a morning and that’s good.

The good thing about being in Spain is that I get to see my family, including my nephew and nieces, so I’ve been spending some time with them. Tomorrow I’m babysitting my nephew, so that’ll be fun.

Progress

Miranda rang yesterday. It turns out that she needs a Spanish CRB check for me, which she hadn’t mentioned until now. Considering that a few weeks ago we were supposed to be going to panel tomorrow, it seems quite an oversight, but maybe they don’t assess that many foreigners at our local authority. She gave me some instructions that she’s looked up on the Criminal Bureau Records website, and I’ve been in touch with the Spanish consulate to find out more. As it happens I will be in Spain next week, so I hope to be able to get it while I’m there. Also, their medical adviser has returned our medical reports and they are fine. Well, fine-ish. There aren’t any major issues, but Glen’s body mass index is over 30, so they have suggested that he loses some weight. Glen is not impressed, but has promised to do something about it.

Miranda also said that she had some more questions for us, but given the weather conditions she would just email them over rather than come over. They deal once again with Glen’s mum and dad, and there are some follow-up questions on the personalities of the children we might want to be matched with. She also asks about whether we’ve even been bullied because of our sexuality, and how we would deal with any bullying that a child matched with us might suffer because of having gay dads. I wonder if the latter has been prompted by recent media coverage of gay adoption...

In any case, we have set up a meeting in just under three weeks to discuss our home study report (so we assume we’ll receive it before then). It looks like things are moving on again!

The Daily Mail campaign against gay adoption continues

Sadly, the Daily Mail continues its hate campaign. On Friday they published an attack on the social worker who’s been dealing with the gay adoption case in Scotland. They claim that the social worker threatened the family with refusing contact.

Link to Daily Mail story about the social worker

It would almost be funny if it wasn’t so sad that – whilst defending a heroin addict – they see fit to mention that the social worker has two children by different fathers. But it didn’t end there. Their columnist Peter Hitchens wrote the following piece in his column about how we “gays” have been shown tolerance and we respond with tyranny. Seriously unhinged stuff here.

Link to the Peter Hitchens column

And to top it all, an anonymous millionaire and the Church of Scotland have decided to support the grandparents in a legal battle against the adoption.

Link to article about millionaire support

Thankfully The Independent showed a more balanced view of the issue, even though they decided to turn the issue of how the Daily Mail had reported the story into a left / right politics issue, which I don’t think was the right angle for the story but makes much nicer reading than anything the Daily Mail has published.

Link to The Independent story

The whole thing has been incredible. Over at the New Family Social online discussion it has generated a wave of emails like nothing I have ever seen before. It’s weird, because Glen and I have been through a rollercoaster of emotions which is very similar to what other members describe. After the initial outrage, there’s been sadness about the case and the consequences it may have for the couple involved (and the children, of course) and also our own situations. People have reported a shift in attitude among co-workers and other people they know. I experienced something similar when I told a colleague of mine and she responded saying that it was normal for people to react like that. I also sent an email about the story to a friend who is a Daily Mail reader and she hasn’t even acknowledged it. After the sadness, though, there’s been some feeling of “what are we doing?”, “could this happen to us too if we are matched?” and even some doubts about whether what we are doing is right for the children. I must acknowledge here the beautiful message that one of the NFS members left reassuring everyone that we are doing the right thing, and highlighting her very positive experience as an adopter. And she is absolutely right, of course. Like I said in a message to the NFS board, in a way the issue of gay adoption and the effect that being adopted by a same-sex couple may have on children is similar to children from different ethnic origin or nationality who grow up in, say, a predominantly white environment. They may get bullied or suffer some sort of discrimination because of it, but it doesn't make them or their parents "guilty" of being from a different ethnic origin or nationality. No, it makes those parents and children part of the variety of that community. Just like those parents will need to prepare their children for the fact that some people out there will dislike them for what they are, we will need to prepare our children
for the fact that some people (Daily Mail readers, it turns out) will
disapprove of their parents (not them).

Anyway, we also heard from Miranda on Friday. She said she’d been working on our report and she’ll be in touch this week. So here’s hoping we have some positive news to report soon!