A whole two weeks without posting. I hope nobody feels neglected. I wanted to take time off from writing as I’d been posting on an almost daily basis for a few weeks in my attempt to catch up and it was quite a demand on my time. But mostly I haven’t updated this because there’s been nothing to report. It’s been three weeks now since we wrote back to our Local Authority to confirm we wanted to go ahead with the process and we haven’t heard from them at all. Now that we’ve made the decision we wanted to move on and maybe get an initial interview before I go away for the summer. This summer I have to work in Spain for a few weeks and will only be in the UK for a few days here and there, so unless something happens soon, we probably won’t get started until September, which would be a shame.
We have both continued our volunteering. Glen is having a great time at Beavers and they’ve been doing all sorts of activities. He’s also continued at the pre-school. I have also been going to pre-school. The kids are just wonderful. Today was international day and the teachers asked me and my friend whose daughter is at the school (who is also a native Spanish speaker) to come up with an activity for the kids. We went round 5 of the classrooms (kids from ages 3 to 7) teaching them a few words in Spanish and singing a song in Spanish as well. The kids really enjoyed themselves and we had a blast too. I must say that I signed up for the volunteering because it would look good and the social workers had suggested we do it, but I really feel that it’s a great opportunity, I’m much more confident with kids around, and am loving it.
Monday, 30 June 2008
Monday, 16 June 2008
Up to date at last!
Finally! After just over 3 months and 50-odd posts, I have finally caught up with myself. It’s taken quite a while, but that’s it for the story so far. The letter to our Local Authority is in the post and we’re waiting to hear from them. And we’re still volunteering to get more experience of being with children.
So what happens now? Well I guess that the posts will be fewer and more spaced out, as I won’t have daily “historical” updates to give. I want to post a few things about the links that appear on this blog and some of the books we have read. And I intend to keep posting every bit of news about our adoption process as it continues.
There haven’t been many comments left on this blog and I don’t know if that’s because everything was post-dated or because no-one has anything to say (which is fine). It may have to do with how difficult Blogger makes it to leave comments (but that’s to avoid being spammed all the time). I know that some people are reading it and I’m not talking to myself as the counter keeps going up (and not just with my own visits), so please feel free to comment if you wish.
So what happens now? Well I guess that the posts will be fewer and more spaced out, as I won’t have daily “historical” updates to give. I want to post a few things about the links that appear on this blog and some of the books we have read. And I intend to keep posting every bit of news about our adoption process as it continues.
There haven’t been many comments left on this blog and I don’t know if that’s because everything was post-dated or because no-one has anything to say (which is fine). It may have to do with how difficult Blogger makes it to leave comments (but that’s to avoid being spammed all the time). I know that some people are reading it and I’m not talking to myself as the counter keeps going up (and not just with my own visits), so please feel free to comment if you wish.
Saturday, 14 June 2008
The best day in this process so far
8th June
We went down to London for the New Family Social group meeting. We were feeling a bit nervous about it, especially as we’ve been having so many doubts lately. We got there and signed up and then chatted to J, one of the Spanish guys I’d been in touch with through Adoption UK, and his partner D. They have this lovely 5 year old. Then we chatted to another couple, M&J, who’ll be going to panel soon, D & I, who’ve just adopted 2 boys, as well as other people at different stages in the process! It was great meeting all the people we've spoken to today and just seeing how many people are around who have adopted successfully or are in the process of doing so. It was truly inspiring to meet them and to most of all to see how “normal” the kids were. I hope nobody minds my saying so, but after the preparation groups and reading all the stuff about the type of children who are up for adoption, we had this image of “monster” children, who nobody would be able to control. Does that sound terrible? Anyway, what we saw today was fantastic kids playing in the park, being kids, and as normal as they get. Of course, we are not looking at the children through rose-tinted glasses now and are still perfectly aware of the behavioural problems that we’ve read and been told about. But to actually see gay and lesbian parents just being families, playing, telling kids not to eat the sweets, to stay within sight, to play nice, and chasing after them when they pay no attention - just like any other kid would do - was amazing. Suddenly children and parents and everything else are not a concept on a book or leaflet or preparation groups materials. Adoption just seems a very real thing with real people, and not a million unanswerable questions. I’m not sure if I’m making any sense, but it makes sense to us.
After we left we had a chat and have decided to move forward with our home study. When we got home we wrote a letter to our local authority to confirm that yes, we will be going ahead with the home study.
I’m so happy that we’ve made a decision at last and also happy that I am feeling enthusiastic again after these past few days of uncertainties. And Glen feels the same way. The best thing about it is that for the first time we have an image we can relate to and we can imagine ourselves being a family. We can actually see it happening and that makes today the best day since we started this process.
We went down to London for the New Family Social group meeting. We were feeling a bit nervous about it, especially as we’ve been having so many doubts lately. We got there and signed up and then chatted to J, one of the Spanish guys I’d been in touch with through Adoption UK, and his partner D. They have this lovely 5 year old. Then we chatted to another couple, M&J, who’ll be going to panel soon, D & I, who’ve just adopted 2 boys, as well as other people at different stages in the process! It was great meeting all the people we've spoken to today and just seeing how many people are around who have adopted successfully or are in the process of doing so. It was truly inspiring to meet them and to most of all to see how “normal” the kids were. I hope nobody minds my saying so, but after the preparation groups and reading all the stuff about the type of children who are up for adoption, we had this image of “monster” children, who nobody would be able to control. Does that sound terrible? Anyway, what we saw today was fantastic kids playing in the park, being kids, and as normal as they get. Of course, we are not looking at the children through rose-tinted glasses now and are still perfectly aware of the behavioural problems that we’ve read and been told about. But to actually see gay and lesbian parents just being families, playing, telling kids not to eat the sweets, to stay within sight, to play nice, and chasing after them when they pay no attention - just like any other kid would do - was amazing. Suddenly children and parents and everything else are not a concept on a book or leaflet or preparation groups materials. Adoption just seems a very real thing with real people, and not a million unanswerable questions. I’m not sure if I’m making any sense, but it makes sense to us.
After we left we had a chat and have decided to move forward with our home study. When we got home we wrote a letter to our local authority to confirm that yes, we will be going ahead with the home study.
I’m so happy that we’ve made a decision at last and also happy that I am feeling enthusiastic again after these past few days of uncertainties. And Glen feels the same way. The best thing about it is that for the first time we have an image we can relate to and we can imagine ourselves being a family. We can actually see it happening and that makes today the best day since we started this process.
Friday, 13 June 2008
Major doubts (and we’re not the only ones!)
7th June
Friday night we went out dancing for the first time in about 3 years and had a great time. Before anyone thinks this involved getting incredibly drunk or consuming any mind-altering substances, I should explain that I hardly ever drink and have never taken drugs. We caught up with friends and the we all went to a club, but all I had was two gin & tonics. We stayed overnight with friends and had a lazy morning and then a spot of lunch with them.
On the way back Glen and I talked some more about adoption and how we couldn’t do things like going out for the night if we adopted. It’s a bit ridiculous as we’ve not done it for years. And to not adopt for want of the possibility of going clubbing once in 3 years doesn’t exactly make sense. It’s more about our lives changing and losing the freedom to do so, even if we don’t actually do it. Does that make sense? We’re both feeling a bit unsure about how our lives would change, how we’d cope, and about the type of child(ren) we’d be “offered”. It’s so difficult to picture your life with so many uncertainties surrounding the process: will we be approved? Will we be matched? With how many children? Boys? Girls? How old? How long will it all take? Will they like us? Will we cope?
To make things worse, I caught up with the messages on NFS and there was a message from a couple about to start their home study who want to give up. Some people have replied to say that it’s a good thing to stop and reconsider and others have suggested they go ahead and discuss it with their social worker as part of the home study. I showed the messages to Glen and we feel pretty much the same, but we’re not making decisions until we’ve been to the New Family Social meeting tomorrow.
Friday night we went out dancing for the first time in about 3 years and had a great time. Before anyone thinks this involved getting incredibly drunk or consuming any mind-altering substances, I should explain that I hardly ever drink and have never taken drugs. We caught up with friends and the we all went to a club, but all I had was two gin & tonics. We stayed overnight with friends and had a lazy morning and then a spot of lunch with them.
On the way back Glen and I talked some more about adoption and how we couldn’t do things like going out for the night if we adopted. It’s a bit ridiculous as we’ve not done it for years. And to not adopt for want of the possibility of going clubbing once in 3 years doesn’t exactly make sense. It’s more about our lives changing and losing the freedom to do so, even if we don’t actually do it. Does that make sense? We’re both feeling a bit unsure about how our lives would change, how we’d cope, and about the type of child(ren) we’d be “offered”. It’s so difficult to picture your life with so many uncertainties surrounding the process: will we be approved? Will we be matched? With how many children? Boys? Girls? How old? How long will it all take? Will they like us? Will we cope?
To make things worse, I caught up with the messages on NFS and there was a message from a couple about to start their home study who want to give up. Some people have replied to say that it’s a good thing to stop and reconsider and others have suggested they go ahead and discuss it with their social worker as part of the home study. I showed the messages to Glen and we feel pretty much the same, but we’re not making decisions until we’ve been to the New Family Social meeting tomorrow.
Thursday, 12 June 2008
Decision deadline
5th June
I flew back to UK today. I opened post and there was a letter from our Local Authority asking us to get back to them by the 16th with our decision about whether we want to go ahead with the home study or not. In a way it’s nice to have a deadline, otherwise we’d keep considering pros and cons forever! Our options are to say “yes”, “no”, or to say we’d like to get back to them after the summer. We’re going to wait until the New Family Social event on Sunday before we make our minds up. Glen went to Beavers this evening and came back with his jeans covered in grass stains and mud. He fell over whilst playing “catch”. I don’t know who’s worse, the kids or him!
I flew back to UK today. I opened post and there was a letter from our Local Authority asking us to get back to them by the 16th with our decision about whether we want to go ahead with the home study or not. In a way it’s nice to have a deadline, otherwise we’d keep considering pros and cons forever! Our options are to say “yes”, “no”, or to say we’d like to get back to them after the summer. We’re going to wait until the New Family Social event on Sunday before we make our minds up. Glen went to Beavers this evening and came back with his jeans covered in grass stains and mud. He fell over whilst playing “catch”. I don’t know who’s worse, the kids or him!
Wednesday, 11 June 2008
If they were adopted...
4th June
Last day of my visit to Spain. My brother, sister-in-law, and the kids came over for dinner. The middle one was playing up and just wouldn’t eat her dinner. The eldest was being a bit difficult tonight and kept hitting everyone. I thought to myself that if they were adopted I would be wondering what had happened in their past to make them behave this way, or what this or that book says about that kind of behaviour, or maybe whether I should be ringing the social worker. But as it happens I know these kids, I know they haven’t had any trauma in their lives, and at the end of the day, kids have good days and bad days and they behave one way or another for no particular reason. So maybe I’ll need to remember this when we have our own child(ren)!
Last day of my visit to Spain. My brother, sister-in-law, and the kids came over for dinner. The middle one was playing up and just wouldn’t eat her dinner. The eldest was being a bit difficult tonight and kept hitting everyone. I thought to myself that if they were adopted I would be wondering what had happened in their past to make them behave this way, or what this or that book says about that kind of behaviour, or maybe whether I should be ringing the social worker. But as it happens I know these kids, I know they haven’t had any trauma in their lives, and at the end of the day, kids have good days and bad days and they behave one way or another for no particular reason. So maybe I’ll need to remember this when we have our own child(ren)!
Tuesday, 10 June 2008
Babysitting
2nd June
After lunch I picked up my nephew and nieces from school and spent the afternoon with them. This was my first time on their own with the three of them for a while. We actually had a really good time playing with the Wii (needless to say, my 7-year-old nephew is much better at it than I am), doing puzzles, drawing, and playing hide-and-seek, but you do realise that you have to keep an eye on them and somehow keep them entertained at all times. I was running out of ideas by the end and that was only for 3 hours! But they kept suggesting things to do, they were lovely and I never had to tell them off once.
After lunch I picked up my nephew and nieces from school and spent the afternoon with them. This was my first time on their own with the three of them for a while. We actually had a really good time playing with the Wii (needless to say, my 7-year-old nephew is much better at it than I am), doing puzzles, drawing, and playing hide-and-seek, but you do realise that you have to keep an eye on them and somehow keep them entertained at all times. I was running out of ideas by the end and that was only for 3 hours! But they kept suggesting things to do, they were lovely and I never had to tell them off once.
Monday, 9 June 2008
More time with the kids
1st June
Today was “one of those days”. We went out to a restaurant with my parents, my brother, my sister-in-law and their kids. The youngest was having a major strop today, threw a tantrum and lunch was a bit of a mess, with everyone wishing we’d just stayed at home. After lunch we went over to the playground in the park opposite and I played with the kids while their parents had a break. We had a really good time on all the slides and I was quite relieved at being able to keep up with a 4, a 5, and a 7 year old at the same time!
When we got back the eldest played up and spent most of the afternoon and evening being difficult: refusing to do as he was asked, not listening, and hitting the others, and by the time they went we were all exhausted! My sister-in-law shot me a look as if to say “and you want kids?”
Today was “one of those days”. We went out to a restaurant with my parents, my brother, my sister-in-law and their kids. The youngest was having a major strop today, threw a tantrum and lunch was a bit of a mess, with everyone wishing we’d just stayed at home. After lunch we went over to the playground in the park opposite and I played with the kids while their parents had a break. We had a really good time on all the slides and I was quite relieved at being able to keep up with a 4, a 5, and a 7 year old at the same time!
When we got back the eldest played up and spent most of the afternoon and evening being difficult: refusing to do as he was asked, not listening, and hitting the others, and by the time they went we were all exhausted! My sister-in-law shot me a look as if to say “and you want kids?”
Thursday, 5 June 2008
Spending time with the kids
30th May
I’m working from Spain at the moment. I saw a whole week without meetings in my diary and booked a cheap flight. It coincides with my mother’s birthday as well and it’s another opportunity to spend time with my brother, nephew and nieces, so here I am. Of course it’s raining non-stop, should anyone wonder. It’s actually Saint Fernando today. We celebrate these things in Spain. Glen never remembers so I had to send him a hint email so he’d remember to wish me a happy saint’s day.
I picked up the kids from school and then supervised lunch, which can be quite a juggling act with three kids. After lunch we planted some sunflower seeds in three different pots (each with their name), which we enjoyed. Of course they now expect the sunflower to pop up any minute, and so we had to check at least twice this afternoon and deal with the disappointment that nothing had grown yet!
I had a little siesta on the sofa in the afternoon and was woken up by my youngest niece, who wanted to let me know that she’d done a poo and her bum needed wiping. Such a lovely wake up call! : )
I’m working from Spain at the moment. I saw a whole week without meetings in my diary and booked a cheap flight. It coincides with my mother’s birthday as well and it’s another opportunity to spend time with my brother, nephew and nieces, so here I am. Of course it’s raining non-stop, should anyone wonder. It’s actually Saint Fernando today. We celebrate these things in Spain. Glen never remembers so I had to send him a hint email so he’d remember to wish me a happy saint’s day.
I picked up the kids from school and then supervised lunch, which can be quite a juggling act with three kids. After lunch we planted some sunflower seeds in three different pots (each with their name), which we enjoyed. Of course they now expect the sunflower to pop up any minute, and so we had to check at least twice this afternoon and deal with the disappointment that nothing had grown yet!
I had a little siesta on the sofa in the afternoon and was woken up by my youngest niece, who wanted to let me know that she’d done a poo and her bum needed wiping. Such a lovely wake up call! : )
Wednesday, 4 June 2008
Doubts
26th May
We booked a big holiday yesterday. It’s actually our honeymoon as we never really had a chance to go on a proper holiday last year. Today I woke up thinking that if we had children we could not plan (or afford!) to go on holiday just like that, or have friends round and improvise dinner as we did at the weekend. And for the first time in ages had a moment of wondering why the hell we want to do this and why we can’t just be contented with the way things are. With all the uncertainties surrounding this, there are moments I just don’t know any more. After Glen woke up I talked to him about it and he reassured me. It’s nice that the both of us don’t have low moments at the same time!
I hope we’re not the only ones who have moments like these. Surely not everyone is 100% sure all of the time? Or maybe they are and I should worry....
We booked a big holiday yesterday. It’s actually our honeymoon as we never really had a chance to go on a proper holiday last year. Today I woke up thinking that if we had children we could not plan (or afford!) to go on holiday just like that, or have friends round and improvise dinner as we did at the weekend. And for the first time in ages had a moment of wondering why the hell we want to do this and why we can’t just be contented with the way things are. With all the uncertainties surrounding this, there are moments I just don’t know any more. After Glen woke up I talked to him about it and he reassured me. It’s nice that the both of us don’t have low moments at the same time!
I hope we’re not the only ones who have moments like these. Surely not everyone is 100% sure all of the time? Or maybe they are and I should worry....
Tuesday, 3 June 2008
A new job? Nice idea but...
24th May
The post arrived yesterday and with it the CRB checks from our local authority. At last! I was beginning to wonder if they had requested them at all. The checks were all clear. At least I know Glen hasn't been hiding any skeletons in his closet! : )
I saw an ad today for a really interesting post that looks really good. The job description fits really well with my CV and I really fancy the sort of role that it would involve. But it would mean commuting every day and no working from home, which is not ideal if we’re going to adopt. Should I get the job, I’d have to ask for adoption leave fairly soon after starting (be it months or even longer), and I wouldn’t be 10 minutes from any of the local schools as we are now. So after thinking about it all day I’ve decided not to apply. This is yet another of those things that have to be put on hold until we know whether we’ll ever be approved or matched. It’s not the end of the world, but it does get frustrating how much is affected by a decision that ultimately is not up to you.
The post arrived yesterday and with it the CRB checks from our local authority. At last! I was beginning to wonder if they had requested them at all. The checks were all clear. At least I know Glen hasn't been hiding any skeletons in his closet! : )
I saw an ad today for a really interesting post that looks really good. The job description fits really well with my CV and I really fancy the sort of role that it would involve. But it would mean commuting every day and no working from home, which is not ideal if we’re going to adopt. Should I get the job, I’d have to ask for adoption leave fairly soon after starting (be it months or even longer), and I wouldn’t be 10 minutes from any of the local schools as we are now. So after thinking about it all day I’ve decided not to apply. This is yet another of those things that have to be put on hold until we know whether we’ll ever be approved or matched. It’s not the end of the world, but it does get frustrating how much is affected by a decision that ultimately is not up to you.
Monday, 2 June 2008
More school + diary
19th May
Went to school and I was with Mrs N today. She has older kids in her class, 5, 6 and 7-year olds. We did PE outside and then I supervised art, as they made flowers out of tissue paper. I didn’t quite engage with the kids today as much as with the other group last week. I think because Mrs Norman didn’t allow me to play a big part for most of it. I was sort of hanging around, but she didn’t really give me an active role. I guess she wants to ease me in. We’ll see what happens when I'm back. Next week is half term and then I’m in Spain for the following one, so it won’t be for another couple of weeks.
In the evening I sat down and finally finished reading the adopters’ diary that’s on the New Family Social website. A gay couple describe their process so far. A bit like this blog really, only they are much further ahead in the process, and their story is presented in a much more condensed way. As I read about the homophobic questions they were asked at panel I started to feel both worried that the same thing may happen to us and angry about how they had been treated. Anyhow, the emotion must have really got to me because as I read that they’d got through my eyes were all teary. I can’t wait to read more!
Went to school and I was with Mrs N today. She has older kids in her class, 5, 6 and 7-year olds. We did PE outside and then I supervised art, as they made flowers out of tissue paper. I didn’t quite engage with the kids today as much as with the other group last week. I think because Mrs Norman didn’t allow me to play a big part for most of it. I was sort of hanging around, but she didn’t really give me an active role. I guess she wants to ease me in. We’ll see what happens when I'm back. Next week is half term and then I’m in Spain for the following one, so it won’t be for another couple of weeks.
In the evening I sat down and finally finished reading the adopters’ diary that’s on the New Family Social website. A gay couple describe their process so far. A bit like this blog really, only they are much further ahead in the process, and their story is presented in a much more condensed way. As I read about the homophobic questions they were asked at panel I started to feel both worried that the same thing may happen to us and angry about how they had been treated. Anyhow, the emotion must have really got to me because as I read that they’d got through my eyes were all teary. I can’t wait to read more!
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