Robbie had a good morning routine with Glen and he took him to school. While he was there I prepared all the paperwork for our second review meeting, making sure that I indicated the reasons why we think it would be a good idea to proceed with the adoption order, and sent them to Miranda for comments. We’re really hoping that we’ll be allowed to go ahead, as we believe it would help us to settle as a family (and stop the social worker visits!) as I’ve mentioned before.
After school I picked Robbie up and while he played in the park I spoke to some of his friends’ parents to invite them to a barbecue in a few days’ time. I asked them if any of their kids had asked any questions about Robbie and several of them mentioned that their children had asked them why Robbie has two dads. Everyone said they’d just said that some people have a mum and a dad and others have different combinations and their children had been satisfied with that answer. It was a very casual conversation and it really came across as a non-issue for them or their kids, which I was really pleased about.
When we got in Robbie reluctantly signed a couple of “thank you” cards for his teachers so that he can take them to school tomorrow. Then we did some reading. We hadn’t done any reading for a few days and Robbie was not too keen, so he had a small tantrum. I gave him a warning and he managed to control himself, though. He had a game on the Wii and then sat down for dinner. He had the hump because he had to have some salad. Then he burped several times in a row on purpose (swallowing air) and got cross when we told him to stop doing that.
After a shower and some more of his bedtime story we put him to bed. He seems less keen to accept anything I ask him to do, whereas with Glen he is happy to comply. It’s difficult because Glen doesn’t get the same reactions I do and so he thinks it’s something I do rather than the way Robbie reacts to me. We’ll talk about it with Alice at our attachment-focused counselling session tomorrow.
Wednesday, 28 July 2010
Monday 19th July (day 94): Trying to be lenient
Robbie was very tired first thing in the morning. There’s only three school days left and we think he’s exhausted. Following our decision from the night before, I was forcing myself to be lenient. Robbie sensed it right away when I didn’t insist on him putting on his slippers despite the cold floor or that he had his juice. While we were having breakfast he stuffed Shreddies into his mouth two at a time without chewing whilst staring at me, daring me to tell him to stop, until his mouth was full. Later, on the way to school, I didn’t insist that he held my hand whilst crossing the road. I could tell he was really puzzled and in fact by the next crossing he made sure he’d grabbed my hand.
I must admit I was still quite annoyed with Glen over our argument over discipline and his role. I met our friend, fellow gay adopter and (at the time of their adoption) fellow stay-at-home dad Stuart for a coffee and we had a really good chat about children’s behaviour, boundaries, and how “daddies” who work don’t often see a certain side of the adopted child that the stay-at-home dad does. It didn’t solve anything, of course, but a problem shared is a problem halved, and I felt much better afterwards.
Glen picked Robbie up from school and took him food shopping. Robbie was really pleased as he’d won the year one obstacle race at school and received a small bag of Maltesers as a prize, which he clutched all the way to the shops. By the time they got to the supermarket it had all melted and he was one big chocolate mess. He told Glen he could not get out of the car looking like he did!
After they got back, Robbie played outside with the neighbours. He fell off his bike and grazed his elbow, so I asked Glen to put antiseptic on it. Robbie hates the fact that it stings and it’s normally me who does it, so I wanted Glen to be the one to do it and get shouted at for a change.
During dinner Robbie was a bit snappy with me. He kept staring at me and going “what?” whenever I looked at him so I started saying “what?” every time he looked at me as well. He said it was really annoying and I made my point that, funnily enough, I also found it annoying when he did it to me.
While he had a shower, I could hear him singing “Mamma Mia” at the top of his voice. It was hilarious. I know we’ve never played any ABBA, so while I was drying him, I asked him how he knew the song. He said he knew it because a girl in his old school was called Mia and she liked the song. Then he added that he also knew if “from his old mum and dad”. I asked if they used to play it or sing it and he said it came on the radio once in his old house. I very much doubt he can remember what was on the radio when he was three, but there’s no way of knowing of course…
Today we had an email from Miranda, our social worker. It’s now two years since our local authority did our CRB checks and they insist we have another one done. The fact that we’ve been CRB-checked twice since by Beavers and the school where we used to volunteer doesn’t matter. It seems so pointless and a waste of resources, but of course we’ve no problem with it.
I must admit I was still quite annoyed with Glen over our argument over discipline and his role. I met our friend, fellow gay adopter and (at the time of their adoption) fellow stay-at-home dad Stuart for a coffee and we had a really good chat about children’s behaviour, boundaries, and how “daddies” who work don’t often see a certain side of the adopted child that the stay-at-home dad does. It didn’t solve anything, of course, but a problem shared is a problem halved, and I felt much better afterwards.
Glen picked Robbie up from school and took him food shopping. Robbie was really pleased as he’d won the year one obstacle race at school and received a small bag of Maltesers as a prize, which he clutched all the way to the shops. By the time they got to the supermarket it had all melted and he was one big chocolate mess. He told Glen he could not get out of the car looking like he did!
After they got back, Robbie played outside with the neighbours. He fell off his bike and grazed his elbow, so I asked Glen to put antiseptic on it. Robbie hates the fact that it stings and it’s normally me who does it, so I wanted Glen to be the one to do it and get shouted at for a change.
During dinner Robbie was a bit snappy with me. He kept staring at me and going “what?” whenever I looked at him so I started saying “what?” every time he looked at me as well. He said it was really annoying and I made my point that, funnily enough, I also found it annoying when he did it to me.
While he had a shower, I could hear him singing “Mamma Mia” at the top of his voice. It was hilarious. I know we’ve never played any ABBA, so while I was drying him, I asked him how he knew the song. He said he knew it because a girl in his old school was called Mia and she liked the song. Then he added that he also knew if “from his old mum and dad”. I asked if they used to play it or sing it and he said it came on the radio once in his old house. I very much doubt he can remember what was on the radio when he was three, but there’s no way of knowing of course…
Today we had an email from Miranda, our social worker. It’s now two years since our local authority did our CRB checks and they insist we have another one done. The fact that we’ve been CRB-checked twice since by Beavers and the school where we used to volunteer doesn’t matter. It seems so pointless and a waste of resources, but of course we’ve no problem with it.
Tuesday, 27 July 2010
Sunday 18th July (day 93): Daddy’s the favourite
Robbie woke up at nine, meaning he slept almost 13 hours! He came to our bed and played at stealing our pillows and duvet, and then we all got up. While I busied myself upstairs, I could hear him talking to Glen in the garden. He said to Glen that he didn’t really like the crab sticks he had for lunch yesterday (despite the fact that we’d given him two to try before he chose a crab stick sandwich and he said the really liked them). Glen interpreted this as Robbie being difficult this morning and told him off for being contrary and saying one thing one day and a different one the next. Glen assumes that when Robbie says he doesn’t like something it’s because he’s worried that we’ll take it away from him as a consequence for bad behaviour, so he explained to Robbie that if we ever take away a privilege such as the Wii or the DS it’s because Robbie’s done something naughty and he needs to control his behaviour, not because we’re mean to him. I actually interpreted Robbie’s statement in a completely different way, which was that yesterday he said he liked the crab sticks just to please us and today he was actually coming clean to Glen. He did take forever to eat that sandwich, which is unlike him. I think that to a certain extent he’s still in “best behaviour” mode, wanting to please and worried that if he says or does the wrong thing he’ll be sent away. This would also explain why Robbie beats himself up so much whenever he does something “wrong”, because no matter how many times we tell him that we love him and that he’s always going to live with us something deep inside tells him to watch out. It’s also why I think that getting the adoption order and having a day in court when a judge tells him that he’s officially a member of the family would help him settle. But of course there’s no way of knowing whether Glen or I are right in our interpretations.
Anyhow, Glen and I had decided that morning was one for tidying up and doing some cleaning, so we explained to Robbie that he had to play on his own until lunchtime, and then we’d go on a bike ride together to the nearby lake and feed the ducks. Robbie wasn’t pleased about this. He asked what he could do and I went through the usual list of all his toys. He reluctantly went on the trampoline and I went upstairs. From the window I could see him scratching the trampoline jumping mat, so I came down, told him off and as a consequence I made him clean all the leaves and bird poo off the trampoline. When he finished, we took his toy cars our and he spent the next hour and a half happily playing with them in his room, sorting them out and counting them (by his count he has 108 cars – all of which came from his foster home).
While I was cleaning upstairs, I banged my head on the window. Robbie heard it and rushed upstairs to where I was. He was really sweet and caressed my head where I’d banged it. I thanked him for coming up to check I was OK and he replied that he’d only come because he thought it was Glen who’d banged his head. Lately he’s been making a point of how much he prefers Glen to me, and when I heard that statement I must admit I could have taken him by the shoulders and asked him why he feels the need to put me down all the time but of course I didn’t and just said I was glad that even though he’d seen that it wasn’t daddy but me who’d banged his head he still looked after me and thanked him.
After lunch we went on the promised bike ride. He’s a good rider and only sometimes he forgets to look both ways before crossing a road. Of course we are only just behind him (he has to go first) and we can see if there are any cars coming anyway, but after he crosses we always ask him if he looked both ways so we can say “well done” and to act as a little reminder to do it. Whenever Glen asked him if he’d looked both ways, Robbie said he had and that was that. If I asked he would snap and shout at me “of course I did”, as if it was an accusation.
When we’d gone around the lake, we fed the ducks and then bought ice creams and sat on the grass to eat them. He sat between us, leaning on Glen. He turned around to cuddle him, making it obvious that he didn’t want to cuddle me. I really felt like saying to him that actually the bike ride had been my idea, could he show a little gratitude towards me? It’s ridiculous, but I really felt jealous.
On the way back I suggested we ride by the swings, so we did and played there for half an hour. When we got home Robbie said he wanted to play on the Wii. I reminded him that he hadn’t earned any minutes so if he wanted Wii time he’d have to read a book. Glen sat down to read a short book with him and then rewarded him with an hour of playing time. At that point I got quite upset with Glen but didn’t say anything. I’m normally the one Robbie reads with and I give him 20 minutes for reading a book. No wonder Glen’s the favourite! I turned on the Wii and Robbie and I played together, but he didn’t miss the opportunity to inform me that it was more fun to play with daddy.
While we played, Glen made dinner. When we stopped to set the table Glen gave Robbie a chip. Unfortunately Robbie dropped it. He picked it up off the floor and put it in his mouth and I told him off for it. I didn’t want to tell him off for it but at the end of the day he was doing something he shouldn’t. Once again the pattern of Glen giving him a treat (a chip, Wii time) me spoiling it somehow repeated itself. Robbie got really upset and shouted at me, of course.
We had dinner and then we read him a story and put him to bed. Glen and I sat down to talk. I was really upset as I find the rejection really hard and it was one of those days when Robbie seemed to throw everything back at me. Glen and I argued about routines, consistency and discipline. He thinks I'm too hard on him and I think he's too lenient, waits for me to tell Robbie off so he doesn’t have to and rewards him too much. In the end I agreed to be more relaxed and try not to tell Robbie off. I don’t agree that’s the way forward as I believe that Robbie’s doing well because we have very clear boundaries, but I agreed to try anyway.
Anyhow, Glen and I had decided that morning was one for tidying up and doing some cleaning, so we explained to Robbie that he had to play on his own until lunchtime, and then we’d go on a bike ride together to the nearby lake and feed the ducks. Robbie wasn’t pleased about this. He asked what he could do and I went through the usual list of all his toys. He reluctantly went on the trampoline and I went upstairs. From the window I could see him scratching the trampoline jumping mat, so I came down, told him off and as a consequence I made him clean all the leaves and bird poo off the trampoline. When he finished, we took his toy cars our and he spent the next hour and a half happily playing with them in his room, sorting them out and counting them (by his count he has 108 cars – all of which came from his foster home).
While I was cleaning upstairs, I banged my head on the window. Robbie heard it and rushed upstairs to where I was. He was really sweet and caressed my head where I’d banged it. I thanked him for coming up to check I was OK and he replied that he’d only come because he thought it was Glen who’d banged his head. Lately he’s been making a point of how much he prefers Glen to me, and when I heard that statement I must admit I could have taken him by the shoulders and asked him why he feels the need to put me down all the time but of course I didn’t and just said I was glad that even though he’d seen that it wasn’t daddy but me who’d banged his head he still looked after me and thanked him.
After lunch we went on the promised bike ride. He’s a good rider and only sometimes he forgets to look both ways before crossing a road. Of course we are only just behind him (he has to go first) and we can see if there are any cars coming anyway, but after he crosses we always ask him if he looked both ways so we can say “well done” and to act as a little reminder to do it. Whenever Glen asked him if he’d looked both ways, Robbie said he had and that was that. If I asked he would snap and shout at me “of course I did”, as if it was an accusation.
When we’d gone around the lake, we fed the ducks and then bought ice creams and sat on the grass to eat them. He sat between us, leaning on Glen. He turned around to cuddle him, making it obvious that he didn’t want to cuddle me. I really felt like saying to him that actually the bike ride had been my idea, could he show a little gratitude towards me? It’s ridiculous, but I really felt jealous.
On the way back I suggested we ride by the swings, so we did and played there for half an hour. When we got home Robbie said he wanted to play on the Wii. I reminded him that he hadn’t earned any minutes so if he wanted Wii time he’d have to read a book. Glen sat down to read a short book with him and then rewarded him with an hour of playing time. At that point I got quite upset with Glen but didn’t say anything. I’m normally the one Robbie reads with and I give him 20 minutes for reading a book. No wonder Glen’s the favourite! I turned on the Wii and Robbie and I played together, but he didn’t miss the opportunity to inform me that it was more fun to play with daddy.
While we played, Glen made dinner. When we stopped to set the table Glen gave Robbie a chip. Unfortunately Robbie dropped it. He picked it up off the floor and put it in his mouth and I told him off for it. I didn’t want to tell him off for it but at the end of the day he was doing something he shouldn’t. Once again the pattern of Glen giving him a treat (a chip, Wii time) me spoiling it somehow repeated itself. Robbie got really upset and shouted at me, of course.
We had dinner and then we read him a story and put him to bed. Glen and I sat down to talk. I was really upset as I find the rejection really hard and it was one of those days when Robbie seemed to throw everything back at me. Glen and I argued about routines, consistency and discipline. He thinks I'm too hard on him and I think he's too lenient, waits for me to tell Robbie off so he doesn’t have to and rewards him too much. In the end I agreed to be more relaxed and try not to tell Robbie off. I don’t agree that’s the way forward as I believe that Robbie’s doing well because we have very clear boundaries, but I agreed to try anyway.
Monday, 26 July 2010
Saturday 17th July (day 92): You’re not in love!
We spent a most uncomfortable night. Our mattress deflated as the night wore on and every time Glen moved I bounced. There was noise from other tents and I got cold too, but we survived. Robbie woke up at five am so we sent him back to his sleeping bag, which he did reluctantly. He woke up again at seven and we knew to try to get him to go back to sleep would be a pointless battle, so we all got up. We had a bowl of cereal and then made bacon sandwiches, which we had to eat inside our tent as it had started to rain. After washing up and showering we took down the tent and put everything away.
We’d gone to the coast so we could have a day on the beach, but it really wasn’t beach weather at all, so we ended up just having a walk around the town and bouncing pebbles on the water. When it started to rain again, Robbie and I had a confrontation as he point blank refused to put his rain coat on. The way Glen sees it, if he gets wet out of stubbornness he’ll learn not to do it again, but I just couldn’t let him get soaked. At lunchtime we bought some sandwiches and then went on a steam train. It was very nice to see that Robbie was curious about the train and the landscape and didn’t ask for his DS! The sun decided to come out and we took another walk along the beach. We all took our shoes off and went for a paddle. Needless to say Robbie “accidentally” fell in and ended up having a swim in his underpants.
On the way back Robbie was so tired that, even though he was trying his hardest not to, he fell asleep almost straight away and stayed asleep for an hour and a half. Thankfully the traffic wasn’t as bad and the journey back didn’t take as long as it had on the way there.
After dinner Robbie was in a good mood and started to sing (a rare occurrence!) while he brushed his teeth and got changed into his pyjamas. He sang the songs that he’s heard on the radio and likes, such as “Alejandro” by Lady Gaga (he likes that one because she says my name in the song), the dreaded “Baby Baby” by Justin Bieber, and “Everybody in Love” by JLS. He was singing the line “if you’re in love put your hands up” and I did just that. He asked me:
- “Why did you put your hands up?”
- “Because I'm in love.”
- “Who are you in love with?”
- “I’m in love with daddy.”
- “No you're not.”
- “Of course I am. Why do you say I’m not?”
- “Because you're both men.”
I then had to explain that even though in most cases it's a man and a woman who are in love, sometimes it’s also two men or two women. He was a bit puzzled by this but seemed to accept it. It’s funny because we always assumed that he understood our relationship (Glen and I give each other a kiss when we leave the house or come back in, and we sleep in the same bed, which he sees when he comes to wake us up) but now we’re not sure how much he understands. Looking back, his foster carer and social worker talked to him about having two dads, but not about the fact that those two dads made a couple! He’s always been happy to tell other kids at school or Beavers that he has two dads, and obviously (and thankfully) he’s never clicked that there are people out there who may think that there’s something wrong with that.
We’d gone to the coast so we could have a day on the beach, but it really wasn’t beach weather at all, so we ended up just having a walk around the town and bouncing pebbles on the water. When it started to rain again, Robbie and I had a confrontation as he point blank refused to put his rain coat on. The way Glen sees it, if he gets wet out of stubbornness he’ll learn not to do it again, but I just couldn’t let him get soaked. At lunchtime we bought some sandwiches and then went on a steam train. It was very nice to see that Robbie was curious about the train and the landscape and didn’t ask for his DS! The sun decided to come out and we took another walk along the beach. We all took our shoes off and went for a paddle. Needless to say Robbie “accidentally” fell in and ended up having a swim in his underpants.
On the way back Robbie was so tired that, even though he was trying his hardest not to, he fell asleep almost straight away and stayed asleep for an hour and a half. Thankfully the traffic wasn’t as bad and the journey back didn’t take as long as it had on the way there.
After dinner Robbie was in a good mood and started to sing (a rare occurrence!) while he brushed his teeth and got changed into his pyjamas. He sang the songs that he’s heard on the radio and likes, such as “Alejandro” by Lady Gaga (he likes that one because she says my name in the song), the dreaded “Baby Baby” by Justin Bieber, and “Everybody in Love” by JLS. He was singing the line “if you’re in love put your hands up” and I did just that. He asked me:
- “Why did you put your hands up?”
- “Because I'm in love.”
- “Who are you in love with?”
- “I’m in love with daddy.”
- “No you're not.”
- “Of course I am. Why do you say I’m not?”
- “Because you're both men.”
I then had to explain that even though in most cases it's a man and a woman who are in love, sometimes it’s also two men or two women. He was a bit puzzled by this but seemed to accept it. It’s funny because we always assumed that he understood our relationship (Glen and I give each other a kiss when we leave the house or come back in, and we sleep in the same bed, which he sees when he comes to wake us up) but now we’re not sure how much he understands. Looking back, his foster carer and social worker talked to him about having two dads, but not about the fact that those two dads made a couple! He’s always been happy to tell other kids at school or Beavers that he has two dads, and obviously (and thankfully) he’s never clicked that there are people out there who may think that there’s something wrong with that.
Saturday, 24 July 2010
Friday 16th July (day 91): Camping!
After four days of me being in charge of Robbie in the morning, Glen did his morning routine without a hitch and then took him to school. We were back at school only an hour later as his class were doing a special assembly about the trip they took to the zoo a couple of weeks ago and all the parents were invited to attend. Robbie’s attitude to us going was very different from when we last went to his assembly shortly after he joined the school! He waved when he saw us and kept trying to make eye contact. Given he’s not that keen on being the focus of attention, we were very pleased to see that he had learnt his lines and even performed as a snake!
After school Glen picked him up and brought him home. We meant to give him his snack and leave for our camping trip straight away, but as always we were delayed with one thing and another and ended up leaving at 5.10, meaning we got caught in the rush-hour traffic. It took a very long three hours to get to the campsite! Robbie started asking “how long till we get there” every five minutes after the first hour, which made the remaining two rather tedious. I must admit I was in no mood for camping: it had been Glen’s idea and it’s not something I’ve even been keen on. We’re thinking of joining the camping trip that New Family Social are organising during the summer holidays and we wanted to have a test run to see how Robbie liked sleeping on a tent. The fact that rain was forecast didn’t help. Anyhow, we managed to get to the campsite around eight and then we had to put up the tent, inflate the mattresses (we’d forgotten to pack the normal pump and the electric pump we’d brought had to be plugged in right at the other end of the site, so we ended up carting the mattresses all over the place), and sort out something to eat. It rained on-and-off while we did all this and of course it got dark as well, which didn’t help my mood, I must admit. We finally managed to get Robbie ready for bed by 10 (yes, that’s two and a half hours later than usual), at which point he decided that sleeping in a tent was actually quite scary and could we go home. Thankfully I’d brought with us his Ben 10 torch, and once we pointed out that we’d only be in the next compartment and actually closer to him than we are at home he decided it would be OK after all. It took him a while to fall asleep and we could see his torch shining in the dark, but eventually he did. We didn’t take long to turn in either. That’s when we realised we’d forgotten to pack any pillows…
After school Glen picked him up and brought him home. We meant to give him his snack and leave for our camping trip straight away, but as always we were delayed with one thing and another and ended up leaving at 5.10, meaning we got caught in the rush-hour traffic. It took a very long three hours to get to the campsite! Robbie started asking “how long till we get there” every five minutes after the first hour, which made the remaining two rather tedious. I must admit I was in no mood for camping: it had been Glen’s idea and it’s not something I’ve even been keen on. We’re thinking of joining the camping trip that New Family Social are organising during the summer holidays and we wanted to have a test run to see how Robbie liked sleeping on a tent. The fact that rain was forecast didn’t help. Anyhow, we managed to get to the campsite around eight and then we had to put up the tent, inflate the mattresses (we’d forgotten to pack the normal pump and the electric pump we’d brought had to be plugged in right at the other end of the site, so we ended up carting the mattresses all over the place), and sort out something to eat. It rained on-and-off while we did all this and of course it got dark as well, which didn’t help my mood, I must admit. We finally managed to get Robbie ready for bed by 10 (yes, that’s two and a half hours later than usual), at which point he decided that sleeping in a tent was actually quite scary and could we go home. Thankfully I’d brought with us his Ben 10 torch, and once we pointed out that we’d only be in the next compartment and actually closer to him than we are at home he decided it would be OK after all. It took him a while to fall asleep and we could see his torch shining in the dark, but eventually he did. We didn’t take long to turn in either. That’s when we realised we’d forgotten to pack any pillows…
Friday, 23 July 2010
Thursday 15th July (day 90): Should we apply for the adoption order?
We had a really good morning without so much as a frown! As soon as Robbie woke up he said it’s now 101 days I’ve been living here! He’d obviously been thinking about what we’d told him yesterday. I did have to correct him as he’s not been living with us that long. It’s been 101 days since we met him, not since he moved in.
As the school gate I had an unfortunate conversation with the mum of another Year One boy. Jonathan’s mum introduced us and the other mum asked me if I was Spanish. When I said I was she asked if I Robbie was bilingual. I had to say that he only knows a few words, which obviously puzzled her as most people assume that if you have a kid and you speak another language you want them to speak it too (of course I do and would have loved to speak to him in Spanish if we’d known him at an age when it was appropriate to do so!). Anyhow, she then asked me if my wife was also Spanish, so in my friendliest tone I told her I had a husband, not a wife, and he is English. She was obviously embarrassed but I didn’t know what else to say to let her know it was OK and an easy assumption to make! She changed tactic and asked if we were new to the area (as she figured that Robbie has obviously not been at the school that long) so she was even more puzzled when I said that we weren’t. It was time to say goodbye to the kids, so the conversation ended there. I actually felt quite bad for her. She was trying to be friendly and just kept putting her foot further and further in!
When I got home we had a phonecall from Miranda. I was supposed to see her yesterday but we’d changed plans because of the sports day and she decided we could catch up by phone instead. She asked how we felt about the second review coming up next week and I said we hadn’t yet filled in the paperwork but otherwise we thought we were ready. She asked how we felt about asking for permission to start the adoption order. At the last review they told us that in the case of babies it’s quite usual to start the adoption order proceedings at the second review stage, but with older children it sometimes goes on to a third or even a fourth review, so I admitted we hadn’t given it much thought. I told her that if nothing else it would be nice if only to put an end to Sarah’s visits. Robbie gets so distraught every time she comes and at the end of the day all she’s doing is ticking a box to say she’s come over. She and we know that the nervous, tense boy she sees when she visits is not the boy we normally have here. And after his really positive reaction to when we told him it was 100 days since we’d met, we believe that having his day in court would help him settle and lose the fear that he could be made to leave any time. Maybe then we'll find out he was on best behaviour after all!
Miranda agreed that it would be good to ask and see how his placing authority feels about it. The third review normally takes place six months after the second, and it feels like an awfully long time to wait, especially considering that once you make the application for the adoption order it still takes a few months to go through. She also mentioned that another boy of a similar age that was placed from the same local authority only a month before Robbie was placed with us just had his second review and they decided to proceed with the adoption paperwork.
After school I picked Robbie up and we came home. He had hardly drank any of his water at school (he prefers flavoured drinks) and so I made him drink a glass of water with his snack, which he moaned about. After doing some reading, he went outside to play with the neighbours and then they all played on Robbie’s trampoline. All the others went to get their bikes and he asked if he could have his. I told him it was time to go to Beavers and he said he’d rather play with the neighbours. Glen stepped in and told him that if he didn’t want to go to Beavers any more that was fine, but that he doesn’t get to pick what days he goes. In the end he went to Beavers, but very grumpy.
Glen said that Robbie had a good time at Beavers, but as soon as he got back he was grumpy and moany again. In fairness it was later than usual, and it’s the end of the week and the end of term and he’s tired. He had a quick shower and then we had dinner. Glen had told me that one of the girls in the Beaver group had asked if it was true that Robbie had two dads. Apparently Robbie had quickly replied that some people had two mums as well. During dinner I asked Robbie if he knew anyone else who had two dads or two mums and we went through the people he knows (such as Connor and the girl who was in his foster home who was adopted by two mums) to make sure he doesn’t think he’s the only one.
After we’d put him to bed I spoke to Annie, his foster carer, to let her know how well he’s been doing lately and a quick catch-up. She mentioned that she’d spoken to someone from the local authority and apparently the managers at the adoption section are “thrilled” with the match and how well we’re doing! It was nice to hear. Annie keeps telling us that we’re her favourite adopters. I keep telling her that I’m sure she says that to all her adopters!
As the school gate I had an unfortunate conversation with the mum of another Year One boy. Jonathan’s mum introduced us and the other mum asked me if I was Spanish. When I said I was she asked if I Robbie was bilingual. I had to say that he only knows a few words, which obviously puzzled her as most people assume that if you have a kid and you speak another language you want them to speak it too (of course I do and would have loved to speak to him in Spanish if we’d known him at an age when it was appropriate to do so!). Anyhow, she then asked me if my wife was also Spanish, so in my friendliest tone I told her I had a husband, not a wife, and he is English. She was obviously embarrassed but I didn’t know what else to say to let her know it was OK and an easy assumption to make! She changed tactic and asked if we were new to the area (as she figured that Robbie has obviously not been at the school that long) so she was even more puzzled when I said that we weren’t. It was time to say goodbye to the kids, so the conversation ended there. I actually felt quite bad for her. She was trying to be friendly and just kept putting her foot further and further in!
When I got home we had a phonecall from Miranda. I was supposed to see her yesterday but we’d changed plans because of the sports day and she decided we could catch up by phone instead. She asked how we felt about the second review coming up next week and I said we hadn’t yet filled in the paperwork but otherwise we thought we were ready. She asked how we felt about asking for permission to start the adoption order. At the last review they told us that in the case of babies it’s quite usual to start the adoption order proceedings at the second review stage, but with older children it sometimes goes on to a third or even a fourth review, so I admitted we hadn’t given it much thought. I told her that if nothing else it would be nice if only to put an end to Sarah’s visits. Robbie gets so distraught every time she comes and at the end of the day all she’s doing is ticking a box to say she’s come over. She and we know that the nervous, tense boy she sees when she visits is not the boy we normally have here. And after his really positive reaction to when we told him it was 100 days since we’d met, we believe that having his day in court would help him settle and lose the fear that he could be made to leave any time. Maybe then we'll find out he was on best behaviour after all!
Miranda agreed that it would be good to ask and see how his placing authority feels about it. The third review normally takes place six months after the second, and it feels like an awfully long time to wait, especially considering that once you make the application for the adoption order it still takes a few months to go through. She also mentioned that another boy of a similar age that was placed from the same local authority only a month before Robbie was placed with us just had his second review and they decided to proceed with the adoption paperwork.
After school I picked Robbie up and we came home. He had hardly drank any of his water at school (he prefers flavoured drinks) and so I made him drink a glass of water with his snack, which he moaned about. After doing some reading, he went outside to play with the neighbours and then they all played on Robbie’s trampoline. All the others went to get their bikes and he asked if he could have his. I told him it was time to go to Beavers and he said he’d rather play with the neighbours. Glen stepped in and told him that if he didn’t want to go to Beavers any more that was fine, but that he doesn’t get to pick what days he goes. In the end he went to Beavers, but very grumpy.
Glen said that Robbie had a good time at Beavers, but as soon as he got back he was grumpy and moany again. In fairness it was later than usual, and it’s the end of the week and the end of term and he’s tired. He had a quick shower and then we had dinner. Glen had told me that one of the girls in the Beaver group had asked if it was true that Robbie had two dads. Apparently Robbie had quickly replied that some people had two mums as well. During dinner I asked Robbie if he knew anyone else who had two dads or two mums and we went through the people he knows (such as Connor and the girl who was in his foster home who was adopted by two mums) to make sure he doesn’t think he’s the only one.
After we’d put him to bed I spoke to Annie, his foster carer, to let her know how well he’s been doing lately and a quick catch-up. She mentioned that she’d spoken to someone from the local authority and apparently the managers at the adoption section are “thrilled” with the match and how well we’re doing! It was nice to hear. Annie keeps telling us that we’re her favourite adopters. I keep telling her that I’m sure she says that to all her adopters!
Wednesday, 21 July 2010
Wednesday 14th July (day 89): Sports day
Glen was working away so he left the house at 7 am. When Robbie woke up at 7.15 he asked where his daddy was and I told him he was at work. During breakfast, Robbie casually mentioned that he needed to take his P.E. kit to school as it was sports day. I asked him why he hadn’t mentioned that earlier and he said he’d forgotten. I told him that if he’d let us know in advance than maybe Glen could have made arrangements to be there. As it was I also had a visit planned with our social worker. I told him I’d do my best to change it so I could be there, but didn’t tell him I’d actually found out about sports day from Jonathan’s mum the day before and rearranged the meeting already. He got really cross about the possibility that we may not be there, but I thought it was important for him to realise that he needs to pass on notices from school.
When he finished his breakfast he went upstairs to have a poo. I cleared up the breakfast things and when I got upstairs I found him crying whilst sitting on the toilet. As usual it took me a while to coax him to tell me what was wrong. It turned out he was crying because daddy wouldn't be coming to sports day! I had to swallow the impulse to say “what about me? Don’t you care that I may not be coming either?” and told him Glen was away and wouldn’t be able to get back but I’d do my best to be there and take pictures for daddy to see later.
In the afternoon I made my way to the school. I’d never been to a sports day before and we never had anything like it in Spain when I was growing up, so it was quite an intercultural experience! I sat with the mums and dads that we normally talk to outside school and in the park. When Robbie saw me he was really pleased and waved with a big smile on his face. While we waited for the different events I asked Jonathan’s mum (now that he couldn’t hear us) if Robbie had really behaved OK at hers the day before and she said he really had been good. She’s recently given birth to a baby girl and apparently Robbie had told her about the babies that he used to live with in his foster home. It’s just as well we’re not a straight couple trying to pretend that Robbie is our birth son! Robbie didn’t do very well in any of the races, but eventually managed to come in third in the hand by hand race, which he ran with Jonathan. When I met him outside the school gate he was disappointed with his performance, but happy to at least have one sticker for coming third.
When we got home he had a snack and then went outside to play with the neighbours. After a while they all came in to our garden to play on the trampoline. Glen got back from work and we had dinner and then we attempted to put our new tent up. We’re planning to go on a camping trip on Friday night and we’ve never tested the tent before. However, as soon as we’d laid everything out in the garden a storm broke out and we had to carry everything inside!
We went upstairs and he had a quick shower. When we continued reading his Paddington book, the chapter started with a paragraph about how Paddington had quickly settled down with the Brown family and difficult it was to imagine life without him. I stopped and told him it was a bit like the way he’d settled in with us. He nodded. I then told him that that very day marked 100 days since we’d met him. I wasn’t sure how he might react and that’s why I hadn’t told him earlier, but the context was perfect really. He didn’t say anything, but he smiled and gave us a hug each. We continued reading and then he went to bed.
When he finished his breakfast he went upstairs to have a poo. I cleared up the breakfast things and when I got upstairs I found him crying whilst sitting on the toilet. As usual it took me a while to coax him to tell me what was wrong. It turned out he was crying because daddy wouldn't be coming to sports day! I had to swallow the impulse to say “what about me? Don’t you care that I may not be coming either?” and told him Glen was away and wouldn’t be able to get back but I’d do my best to be there and take pictures for daddy to see later.
In the afternoon I made my way to the school. I’d never been to a sports day before and we never had anything like it in Spain when I was growing up, so it was quite an intercultural experience! I sat with the mums and dads that we normally talk to outside school and in the park. When Robbie saw me he was really pleased and waved with a big smile on his face. While we waited for the different events I asked Jonathan’s mum (now that he couldn’t hear us) if Robbie had really behaved OK at hers the day before and she said he really had been good. She’s recently given birth to a baby girl and apparently Robbie had told her about the babies that he used to live with in his foster home. It’s just as well we’re not a straight couple trying to pretend that Robbie is our birth son! Robbie didn’t do very well in any of the races, but eventually managed to come in third in the hand by hand race, which he ran with Jonathan. When I met him outside the school gate he was disappointed with his performance, but happy to at least have one sticker for coming third.
When we got home he had a snack and then went outside to play with the neighbours. After a while they all came in to our garden to play on the trampoline. Glen got back from work and we had dinner and then we attempted to put our new tent up. We’re planning to go on a camping trip on Friday night and we’ve never tested the tent before. However, as soon as we’d laid everything out in the garden a storm broke out and we had to carry everything inside!
We went upstairs and he had a quick shower. When we continued reading his Paddington book, the chapter started with a paragraph about how Paddington had quickly settled down with the Brown family and difficult it was to imagine life without him. I stopped and told him it was a bit like the way he’d settled in with us. He nodded. I then told him that that very day marked 100 days since we’d met him. I wasn’t sure how he might react and that’s why I hadn’t told him earlier, but the context was perfect really. He didn’t say anything, but he smiled and gave us a hug each. We continued reading and then he went to bed.
Tuesday, 20 July 2010
Tuesday 13th July (Day 88): Playdate!
Robbie woke up tired this morning and was snappy all morning until we left for school. He was really looking forward to his playdate and tea at his friend Jonathan’s house, though. Before I dropped him off at school I had a quiet word to tell him that we were expecting him to behave really well, as otherwise he wouldn’t be invited back. He nodded and said he would behave.
At 3.30 I met Jonathan’s mum outside the school gate and once they’d both come out we walked over to her house. I stayed for a few minutes and then left. Jonathan’s mum told me to get back at 6.30 to pick him up. I picked Glen up, we did a couple of errands and then at the agreed time we went to collect him. When we went in the two boys were in the middle of a boxing match on the Wii. They’d also been playing football in the garden. Robbie was all sweaty and sticky and seemed to have had a great time. Jonathan’s mum said he’d eaten all his dinner and the two of them had had a good time. Apparently they had had a bit of an argument during a football game “but there were no punches or tears” so that was OK. Jonathan, who’d never seen Glen and I together, kept looking at us with a puzzled look on his face and I wondered if he might ask his mum some questions later about Robbie having two dads. Anyway, we thanked them, promised to arrange a similar playdate round ours sometime soon and left.
On the way home I asked Robbie about the fight and he said it started because Jonathan had said he should have a penalty after Robbie “gently pushed” him. I enquired as to exactly how gentle this push was and Robbie admitted it hadn’t been that gentle after all. We had words about how if we hit people they won’t like us and of course Robbie got the hump with me. As soon as we got home Glen ran a bath and left him to soak for a few minutes. I was only in the next room and I could hear Robbie singing to himself. I started humming the same tune and he told me off for singing! When I pointed out it was he who started singing it he flatly denied it and got angry with me for suggesting such a thing. Don’t I know he hates music and singing? I wish I’d recorded it on my mobile so I could have proven him wrong! Maybe next time…
After his bath he had a drink and then we read his bedtime story and put him to bed. We were really pleased that today had gone well and that we’ve survived the first playdate and tea away from home. I’m not entirely sure if Jonathan’s mum was playing down the fight incident or she genuinely didn’t think anything of it. I guess we’ll find out if we ever get invited again!
At 3.30 I met Jonathan’s mum outside the school gate and once they’d both come out we walked over to her house. I stayed for a few minutes and then left. Jonathan’s mum told me to get back at 6.30 to pick him up. I picked Glen up, we did a couple of errands and then at the agreed time we went to collect him. When we went in the two boys were in the middle of a boxing match on the Wii. They’d also been playing football in the garden. Robbie was all sweaty and sticky and seemed to have had a great time. Jonathan’s mum said he’d eaten all his dinner and the two of them had had a good time. Apparently they had had a bit of an argument during a football game “but there were no punches or tears” so that was OK. Jonathan, who’d never seen Glen and I together, kept looking at us with a puzzled look on his face and I wondered if he might ask his mum some questions later about Robbie having two dads. Anyway, we thanked them, promised to arrange a similar playdate round ours sometime soon and left.
On the way home I asked Robbie about the fight and he said it started because Jonathan had said he should have a penalty after Robbie “gently pushed” him. I enquired as to exactly how gentle this push was and Robbie admitted it hadn’t been that gentle after all. We had words about how if we hit people they won’t like us and of course Robbie got the hump with me. As soon as we got home Glen ran a bath and left him to soak for a few minutes. I was only in the next room and I could hear Robbie singing to himself. I started humming the same tune and he told me off for singing! When I pointed out it was he who started singing it he flatly denied it and got angry with me for suggesting such a thing. Don’t I know he hates music and singing? I wish I’d recorded it on my mobile so I could have proven him wrong! Maybe next time…
After his bath he had a drink and then we read his bedtime story and put him to bed. We were really pleased that today had gone well and that we’ve survived the first playdate and tea away from home. I’m not entirely sure if Jonathan’s mum was playing down the fight incident or she genuinely didn’t think anything of it. I guess we’ll find out if we ever get invited again!
Monday 12th July (Day 87): School visit
Knowing how late he’d gone to bed the night before we were expecting the worst on Monday morning, but it was actually OK. After I woke him up he came downstairs barely awake, looking more like a zombie than a boy ready for a school day ahead. However, he had breakfast and got washed and dressed without complaining. I gave him his stickers for being good all day, playing well with other boys and going to sleep nicely in the car on Sunday. In the playground just before going into school we had another birthday invitation (this one for August – some mothers are so organised!) and he was also invited to tea at another boy’s house. Apparently "he is desperate to have Robbie round for tea!"
When I got home I was determined to tick some items off my “to do” list so I finally got round to putting some “3 in 1” on our squeaky doors. It must have been on my “to do” list for the last 6 weeks at least and it took me all of 15 minutes to do it! Later, Glen and I had some gazpacho for lunch and then we went to pick Robbie up as we wanted to go shopping together.
When Robbie came out of school he told us it was open day later and we could talk to his teachers and meet his new teacher for next term. Talk about short notice! It turns out he'd been told to tell us last week but he never did. When I said he should have told us before, he just replied “why?” Ah, to be six and not understand that people need to plan things and aren’t always available…
We went food shopping (Robbie loves scanning items in the supermarket) and then went back to the school to look at his work for this year (his teachers told us again how pleased they are with him) and meet his new teacher. While Glen took Robbie around the classroom she and I had a quick chat about his circumstances. She’d had him in her class for one morning a few days ago and told me she was curious as when she asked the kids to introduce themselves he’d first told her he didn’t have any brothers or sisters and later had said that he has a sister but not a brother. Hmmmm…. The teacher seemed really nice though and we think he’ll like being in her class. This should help me feel more at ease about returning to work at the beginning of next term, as we’re currently planning.
After the visit to the school we finished our shopping and ended up eating out. On our way back to the car I offered Robbie my hand as we were about to cross the road. He made a point of avoiding my hand and holding Glen’s instead whilst staring at me. I don’t know what had provoked this, but I didn’t rise to it and told him I really don’t care whose hand he holds as long as he’s holding one of our hands when he crosses the road.
He had a quick shower (he used to hate showers and now he never wants a bath!) and then we read a bit more of his story. When we put him to bed Glen gave him a goodnight kiss and Robbie told him his breath stank! We’d forgotten we’d had gazpacho (and a really strong one with heaps of garlic at that) for lunch. At the time we didn’t know we’d be visiting the school, of course. So it dawned on us that we’d been talking to all the teachers stinking of garlic! Great image and such a great way to fit nicely with the stereotype of the garlic-munching Mediterranean…
When I got home I was determined to tick some items off my “to do” list so I finally got round to putting some “3 in 1” on our squeaky doors. It must have been on my “to do” list for the last 6 weeks at least and it took me all of 15 minutes to do it! Later, Glen and I had some gazpacho for lunch and then we went to pick Robbie up as we wanted to go shopping together.
When Robbie came out of school he told us it was open day later and we could talk to his teachers and meet his new teacher for next term. Talk about short notice! It turns out he'd been told to tell us last week but he never did. When I said he should have told us before, he just replied “why?” Ah, to be six and not understand that people need to plan things and aren’t always available…
We went food shopping (Robbie loves scanning items in the supermarket) and then went back to the school to look at his work for this year (his teachers told us again how pleased they are with him) and meet his new teacher. While Glen took Robbie around the classroom she and I had a quick chat about his circumstances. She’d had him in her class for one morning a few days ago and told me she was curious as when she asked the kids to introduce themselves he’d first told her he didn’t have any brothers or sisters and later had said that he has a sister but not a brother. Hmmmm…. The teacher seemed really nice though and we think he’ll like being in her class. This should help me feel more at ease about returning to work at the beginning of next term, as we’re currently planning.
After the visit to the school we finished our shopping and ended up eating out. On our way back to the car I offered Robbie my hand as we were about to cross the road. He made a point of avoiding my hand and holding Glen’s instead whilst staring at me. I don’t know what had provoked this, but I didn’t rise to it and told him I really don’t care whose hand he holds as long as he’s holding one of our hands when he crosses the road.
He had a quick shower (he used to hate showers and now he never wants a bath!) and then we read a bit more of his story. When we put him to bed Glen gave him a goodnight kiss and Robbie told him his breath stank! We’d forgotten we’d had gazpacho (and a really strong one with heaps of garlic at that) for lunch. At the time we didn’t know we’d be visiting the school, of course. So it dawned on us that we’d been talking to all the teachers stinking of garlic! Great image and such a great way to fit nicely with the stereotype of the garlic-munching Mediterranean…
Monday, 19 July 2010
Sunday 11th July (Day 86): Nanny’s birthday
Robbie came into our bedroom at 10 as we’d agreed. He’d been awake for a little while but had managed to sleep in. We played on our bed for a while and then had breakfast. We then realised we were running a bit late so I asked him to go in the shower and wash himself. This was the first time he’d done in without supervision or someone being there to remind him to wash this bit or that bit and he was happy to do it on his own and did it very well, remembering to wash his hair etc.
We had meant to leave the house at 11.30 and ended up leaving at 12.15. We were due to meet Glen’s mum for her birthday lunch at one o’clock and that’s normally a two-hour drive, so we rang her to let her know we’d be very late. Robbie was really quiet in the car again. I asked him if he wanted to count red cars and he gave me a quizzing as if to check I was serious, so I nodded to let him know it was OK to count red cars again. He got very excited and started counting straight away. The game kept us busy for most of the journey and there was no confrontation except when I had to tell him off for cheating. He vigorously denied it at first, but then admitted he hadn’t really seen a red car where there were none.
We eventually arrived to the place where we were meeting Nanny. She was there with her brother and his wife. Robbie had been told they’d be there and he was quite nervous about meeting new people. Normally he tends to get over it after a few minutes, but he was tense and shy for a good hour. Glen’s aunt and uncle did very well and let him have his space, asking him a question every so often without overwhelming him.
After lunch we had an ice cream and then went to a local playpark . On the way, Glen’s uncle was very playful with Robbie and he visibly relaxed (you can actually see his shoulders so tight almost directly under his ears when he’s tense!). We didn’t stay long as Glen had arranged to meet his best friend and introduce her, her husband and their children (two boys aged 8 and 12) to Robbie. We made our way over to their house and after some initial nerves the three boys were soon playing with their scalextric, remote-controlled cars and Lego. We had something to eat and then the football came on (it was the World Cup final and Spain were playing!). While it was on the kids and I played several games of table football. Robbie chose to play with the 12-year-old and I played with the eight-year-old. I probably hadn’t played table football for 25 years but we still managed to beat Robbie’s team. They played very well together and took their defeat well though. It was a really lovely evening but once again before we knew it it was 9 pm and we were still two hours’ drive away from home! Our hosts kindly refilled Robbie’s water bottle with orange squash for the way and we quickly said our goodbyes and got in the car.
As we were driving off Robbie announced that he thought he should support Spain from now on. I said I thought that was a good thing given that England were no longer in the competition and that he now has family from Spain. Never mind that there was about one hour left of the World Cup! We’d been on the road for less than 10 minutes when Robbie said that he wasn’t feeling well. We stopped immediately but he wasn’t sick. He’d eaten a few sweets but not too many, so we were a bit puzzled until we looked at his water bottle. He’d drunk more than half the content since we’d got in the car! After a few minutes he felt better so we set off again. I encouraged Robbie to try and fall asleep and he wouldn’t so I had to be a little stern and say it was really late and he really should be asleep. It took him a good 20 minutes or so, but eventually he did and slept all the way home. We didn’t get here until 11, so we carried him upstairs and put him to bed straight away, bracing ourselves for the tired moody boy we would be seeing in the morning.
We had meant to leave the house at 11.30 and ended up leaving at 12.15. We were due to meet Glen’s mum for her birthday lunch at one o’clock and that’s normally a two-hour drive, so we rang her to let her know we’d be very late. Robbie was really quiet in the car again. I asked him if he wanted to count red cars and he gave me a quizzing as if to check I was serious, so I nodded to let him know it was OK to count red cars again. He got very excited and started counting straight away. The game kept us busy for most of the journey and there was no confrontation except when I had to tell him off for cheating. He vigorously denied it at first, but then admitted he hadn’t really seen a red car where there were none.
We eventually arrived to the place where we were meeting Nanny. She was there with her brother and his wife. Robbie had been told they’d be there and he was quite nervous about meeting new people. Normally he tends to get over it after a few minutes, but he was tense and shy for a good hour. Glen’s aunt and uncle did very well and let him have his space, asking him a question every so often without overwhelming him.
After lunch we had an ice cream and then went to a local playpark . On the way, Glen’s uncle was very playful with Robbie and he visibly relaxed (you can actually see his shoulders so tight almost directly under his ears when he’s tense!). We didn’t stay long as Glen had arranged to meet his best friend and introduce her, her husband and their children (two boys aged 8 and 12) to Robbie. We made our way over to their house and after some initial nerves the three boys were soon playing with their scalextric, remote-controlled cars and Lego. We had something to eat and then the football came on (it was the World Cup final and Spain were playing!). While it was on the kids and I played several games of table football. Robbie chose to play with the 12-year-old and I played with the eight-year-old. I probably hadn’t played table football for 25 years but we still managed to beat Robbie’s team. They played very well together and took their defeat well though. It was a really lovely evening but once again before we knew it it was 9 pm and we were still two hours’ drive away from home! Our hosts kindly refilled Robbie’s water bottle with orange squash for the way and we quickly said our goodbyes and got in the car.
As we were driving off Robbie announced that he thought he should support Spain from now on. I said I thought that was a good thing given that England were no longer in the competition and that he now has family from Spain. Never mind that there was about one hour left of the World Cup! We’d been on the road for less than 10 minutes when Robbie said that he wasn’t feeling well. We stopped immediately but he wasn’t sick. He’d eaten a few sweets but not too many, so we were a bit puzzled until we looked at his water bottle. He’d drunk more than half the content since we’d got in the car! After a few minutes he felt better so we set off again. I encouraged Robbie to try and fall asleep and he wouldn’t so I had to be a little stern and say it was really late and he really should be asleep. It took him a good 20 minutes or so, but eventually he did and slept all the way home. We didn’t get here until 11, so we carried him upstairs and put him to bed straight away, bracing ourselves for the tired moody boy we would be seeing in the morning.
Saturday 10th July (Day 85): Always late…
Robbie woke up at 6.50 but stayed in his room playing with his Lego for a while and then went back to bed until his alarm went off at 9. We had to rush breakfast a bit and then get him washed and changed quickly to make it to his new football training on time. Glen took him while I stayed behind doing bits around the house. He came back all sweaty and sticky but with a huge smile on his face. He'd really enjoyed training with his school friends and he'd even scored a goal! I took him to the bathroom for a shower and then we got ready to go out.
We'd been invited to lunch at Kelly and Sabine's along with Adam and Carla and their sons Spence and Henry. As usual, despite our best intentions to leave with plenty of time, we left the house 15 minutes late. And to make thing worse the traffic was horrible.
The drive was OK despite the traffic. Robbie was quite quiet and every attempt I made to engage him in conversation was met by monosyllabic responses. He does tend to be like that on car journeys, though. We think he was missing his DS, which he normally has for linger car journeys, but if course he'd only "lost" it the day before so he knew better than to ask for it.
It was a lovely sunny afternoon and as soon as we arrived at Kelly and Sabine's we sat on their patio and enjoyed the weather with a drink. Adam, Carla and the kids had arrived only a few minutes before us. Spence, who is 13, sat with the adults and Henry and Robbie just lingered looking bored. Carla told me she'd brought Henry's DS but when I told her that we hadn't brought Robbie's she decided not to let Henry know that she had it. I tried to get the kids to play tag, hide and seek or anything to get them moving outside but they weren't interested. I wasn't offering them anything with a screen after all! (this is where I could go on about how kids nowadays don’t have any imagination and we didn’t use to be like that etc etc, but I’ll spare you the grumpy old man monologue).
We had a lovely lunch and Robbie behaved really well. After lunch Sabine offered to put their Wii on for the kids. Before they did, Glen and I had a quiet word with Robbie to let him know we were letting him play as he was a guest and it was a special occasion, but that didn't mean that he would be getting his Wii back at home. He said he understood. He was just glad that he was getting to play with it.
While the kids played the rest of us sat outside enjoying the weather and the company. We were having such a nice afternoon that before we realised it was already 7.30! Adam, Carla and the kids left but we stayed behind for another hour as Kelly and Sabine wanted to chat to us about our adoption process. They have been thinking about adopting for a while and had a few questions. We knew we should go, but after they’d invited us round we could hardly leave. While we chatted, Robbie played even more games on the Wii and then we joined him for a racing challenge against all of us in turn.
We finally got back in the car. Robbie asked why I was driving Glen's car and Glen explained that he'd had a couple of drinks so I should drive. Robbie didn't understand. Hadn't I been drinking too? Yes, but I was drinking soft drinks and not wine!
When we got home Robbie had a quick milkshake, we read some more of his Paddington book and put him to bed at 10. We set his alarm for 10 and told him if he woke up before that we expected him to try to go back to sleep.
We'd been invited to lunch at Kelly and Sabine's along with Adam and Carla and their sons Spence and Henry. As usual, despite our best intentions to leave with plenty of time, we left the house 15 minutes late. And to make thing worse the traffic was horrible.
The drive was OK despite the traffic. Robbie was quite quiet and every attempt I made to engage him in conversation was met by monosyllabic responses. He does tend to be like that on car journeys, though. We think he was missing his DS, which he normally has for linger car journeys, but if course he'd only "lost" it the day before so he knew better than to ask for it.
It was a lovely sunny afternoon and as soon as we arrived at Kelly and Sabine's we sat on their patio and enjoyed the weather with a drink. Adam, Carla and the kids had arrived only a few minutes before us. Spence, who is 13, sat with the adults and Henry and Robbie just lingered looking bored. Carla told me she'd brought Henry's DS but when I told her that we hadn't brought Robbie's she decided not to let Henry know that she had it. I tried to get the kids to play tag, hide and seek or anything to get them moving outside but they weren't interested. I wasn't offering them anything with a screen after all! (this is where I could go on about how kids nowadays don’t have any imagination and we didn’t use to be like that etc etc, but I’ll spare you the grumpy old man monologue).
We had a lovely lunch and Robbie behaved really well. After lunch Sabine offered to put their Wii on for the kids. Before they did, Glen and I had a quiet word with Robbie to let him know we were letting him play as he was a guest and it was a special occasion, but that didn't mean that he would be getting his Wii back at home. He said he understood. He was just glad that he was getting to play with it.
While the kids played the rest of us sat outside enjoying the weather and the company. We were having such a nice afternoon that before we realised it was already 7.30! Adam, Carla and the kids left but we stayed behind for another hour as Kelly and Sabine wanted to chat to us about our adoption process. They have been thinking about adopting for a while and had a few questions. We knew we should go, but after they’d invited us round we could hardly leave. While we chatted, Robbie played even more games on the Wii and then we joined him for a racing challenge against all of us in turn.
We finally got back in the car. Robbie asked why I was driving Glen's car and Glen explained that he'd had a couple of drinks so I should drive. Robbie didn't understand. Hadn't I been drinking too? Yes, but I was drinking soft drinks and not wine!
When we got home Robbie had a quick milkshake, we read some more of his Paddington book and put him to bed at 10. We set his alarm for 10 and told him if he woke up before that we expected him to try to go back to sleep.
Friday 9th July (Day 84): I love you more!
I slept in and Glen took care of Robbie in the morning. He was really good all morning and finished getting ready in good time so Glen said he could have the TV on to watch Ben 10 as he usually does when he has time. Robbie moaned because he wanted to play with his truck instead. Glen said he could do that if he wanted to, but Robbie put his resigned face on and said if he "had to" then he would watch TV. As if it were a punishment or something!
I had quite a productive morning getting things done around the house and then went to pick him up. He came out of school in a bit of a mood, but when I asked if everything was OK he said it was. We went to the park and he played football for 20 minutes.
Just as it was time to go I saw he was getting into a bit of a fight with another of the boys over the football (they all do it all the time – it’s not a cause for concern) so I thought it was the perfect time to leave. He was still moody, but soon perked up as I bought ice creams for the two of us and we had then on our way back to the car. While we were driving back he asked if we could count red cars. I reminded him that he’d said he never wanted to count red cars again. He replied that he was lying when he said that, and I said, like I have before, that that’s the problem with lying: people believe you. He wasn’t happy about that, but he does need to understand there are consequences for the things he says. I am planning to start counting red cars soon, this won’t last forever. I’m not that mean!
When we got home I got out some stamps I had bought for a couple of cards that needed posting. I asked Robbie if he wanted to stick the stamps on (he usually likes to) and as a response he sighed and whined “why do I have to?” so I said that of course he didn’t have to and stuck them on myself. He got really angry with me and said he actually wanted to do it, so I replied that if he wanted to do it, then he shouldn’t have whined and just said yes. In a moment of anger, he responded by smacking my leg. As soon as he had he was really remorseful and angry with himself for having done that. He kept saying how sorry he was and I could tell he really meant it, so I was very tempted not to give him a consequence for it. At the end of the day, though, he's got to learn to manage his anger, so I said he needed to remember his self control. He replied that when he’s angry he always hits and I explained that was why there had to be a consequence, so that he stops hitting when he's angry. I gave him the option of a second week without his Wii or a week without his DS and he chose the latter. To be fair we were both very rational throughout the whole exchange. To change subject and distract him I suggested he take a shower and he agreed. He’s discovered he really likes the shower in the guest bedroom and no longer moans about having showers. While I was drying him afterwards I gave him a big hug and reminded him that we always love him, no matter what. He replied "I'm happy again now" to let me know he'd controlled his anger. We went downstairs and read together for a while and before he left to play outside I explained again that we don't like giving consequences but he needs to learn self control. He accepted this without sulking. As he went to get his shoes to play outside I shouted after him: "love you!" and he shouted back "love you too!" I then remembered something that his foster carer used to say (and never have) and said "I love you more!" to which he replied what he used to say to her: "No, I love YOU more!" It really made me smile and felt like a real milestone. Especially considering what we’d been through half an hour earlier!
He played for a bit and then when he came back in I suggested taking the bikes to the local shop to buy some orange juice and post the cards on the way. When we got to the shop, Robbie waited outside with the bikes as he always does. There was a group of about 12 kids hanging around outside the shop. They were shouting, swearing, smoking… and some of them can't have been older than 11! Robbie was looking at them in shock and I think he was quite intimidated, but he didn’t let it show. I rushed in and out of the shop and we rode back. On the way we commented on how horrible those kids were. I made a mental note to never let Robbie out of my sight until he’s 21… : )
When we got home Glen was back. He’d dug the hammock out of the garage and was enjoying the sunshine. As soon as he got up to make dinner Robbie lay on the hammock and then would not get out. We had a small to do because his “selective deafness” came back when I asked him to set the table, so the mood during dinner wasn't great. When we finished we read him some more of his Paddington book and then he went to bed.
I had quite a productive morning getting things done around the house and then went to pick him up. He came out of school in a bit of a mood, but when I asked if everything was OK he said it was. We went to the park and he played football for 20 minutes.
Just as it was time to go I saw he was getting into a bit of a fight with another of the boys over the football (they all do it all the time – it’s not a cause for concern) so I thought it was the perfect time to leave. He was still moody, but soon perked up as I bought ice creams for the two of us and we had then on our way back to the car. While we were driving back he asked if we could count red cars. I reminded him that he’d said he never wanted to count red cars again. He replied that he was lying when he said that, and I said, like I have before, that that’s the problem with lying: people believe you. He wasn’t happy about that, but he does need to understand there are consequences for the things he says. I am planning to start counting red cars soon, this won’t last forever. I’m not that mean!
When we got home I got out some stamps I had bought for a couple of cards that needed posting. I asked Robbie if he wanted to stick the stamps on (he usually likes to) and as a response he sighed and whined “why do I have to?” so I said that of course he didn’t have to and stuck them on myself. He got really angry with me and said he actually wanted to do it, so I replied that if he wanted to do it, then he shouldn’t have whined and just said yes. In a moment of anger, he responded by smacking my leg. As soon as he had he was really remorseful and angry with himself for having done that. He kept saying how sorry he was and I could tell he really meant it, so I was very tempted not to give him a consequence for it. At the end of the day, though, he's got to learn to manage his anger, so I said he needed to remember his self control. He replied that when he’s angry he always hits and I explained that was why there had to be a consequence, so that he stops hitting when he's angry. I gave him the option of a second week without his Wii or a week without his DS and he chose the latter. To be fair we were both very rational throughout the whole exchange. To change subject and distract him I suggested he take a shower and he agreed. He’s discovered he really likes the shower in the guest bedroom and no longer moans about having showers. While I was drying him afterwards I gave him a big hug and reminded him that we always love him, no matter what. He replied "I'm happy again now" to let me know he'd controlled his anger. We went downstairs and read together for a while and before he left to play outside I explained again that we don't like giving consequences but he needs to learn self control. He accepted this without sulking. As he went to get his shoes to play outside I shouted after him: "love you!" and he shouted back "love you too!" I then remembered something that his foster carer used to say (and never have) and said "I love you more!" to which he replied what he used to say to her: "No, I love YOU more!" It really made me smile and felt like a real milestone. Especially considering what we’d been through half an hour earlier!
He played for a bit and then when he came back in I suggested taking the bikes to the local shop to buy some orange juice and post the cards on the way. When we got to the shop, Robbie waited outside with the bikes as he always does. There was a group of about 12 kids hanging around outside the shop. They were shouting, swearing, smoking… and some of them can't have been older than 11! Robbie was looking at them in shock and I think he was quite intimidated, but he didn’t let it show. I rushed in and out of the shop and we rode back. On the way we commented on how horrible those kids were. I made a mental note to never let Robbie out of my sight until he’s 21… : )
When we got home Glen was back. He’d dug the hammock out of the garage and was enjoying the sunshine. As soon as he got up to make dinner Robbie lay on the hammock and then would not get out. We had a small to do because his “selective deafness” came back when I asked him to set the table, so the mood during dinner wasn't great. When we finished we read him some more of his Paddington book and then he went to bed.
Thursday 8th July (Day 83): Nothing to play with
Robbie had a really good morning and was really pleased to have his Nanny around for breakfast again. Her visit has been really good as he’s now a lot more comfortable around her. She gave him a little present (a money box) and I did have a word later to say thank you but to try not to give him a present every time she sees him. I want her to want to see his Nanny because of her, not because of any presents he may get out of it. Glen had to go to work so Nanny and I took Robbie to school together and then she left.
After a bit of a disastrous morning when I just got fed up with everything around me (see my post from Thursday 8th) I took myself out to the local shops for the afternoon before going to pick Robbie up from school. He was a little disappointed that he could not go to the park to play with his friends but accepted that he can’t go on Thursdays as he has Beavers. We did his homework and reading and ended up with 20 spare minutes before it was time to go. He asked if he could play on the Wii and I reminded him that he lost it for a week the day before. He got very upset and said that he had “nothing to play with”. After I listed the trampoline, his pedal truck, Lego, puzzles, cars and toys in his room, he reluctantly went outside and played on his pedal truck until Glen took him to Beavers. He still struggles with having to play on his own and wants us to entertain him. While they were both out I went swimming for the first time in two weeks, which helped me to relax and switch off.
When they got back I gave Robbie a quick shower and Glen made dinner. After that we read him his bedtime story and put him to bed.
After a bit of a disastrous morning when I just got fed up with everything around me (see my post from Thursday 8th) I took myself out to the local shops for the afternoon before going to pick Robbie up from school. He was a little disappointed that he could not go to the park to play with his friends but accepted that he can’t go on Thursdays as he has Beavers. We did his homework and reading and ended up with 20 spare minutes before it was time to go. He asked if he could play on the Wii and I reminded him that he lost it for a week the day before. He got very upset and said that he had “nothing to play with”. After I listed the trampoline, his pedal truck, Lego, puzzles, cars and toys in his room, he reluctantly went outside and played on his pedal truck until Glen took him to Beavers. He still struggles with having to play on his own and wants us to entertain him. While they were both out I went swimming for the first time in two weeks, which helped me to relax and switch off.
When they got back I gave Robbie a quick shower and Glen made dinner. After that we read him his bedtime story and put him to bed.
Sunday, 18 July 2010
Wednesday 7th July (day 82): Emotions all over the place
Robbie knocked on our door this morning just as I was about to go wake him up. He looked a bit off so I asked him if he’d slept well. He said he hadn’t and wouldn’t tell me why, but eventually he told me that he’d had a bad dream. Apparently he’d dreamt that some Star Wars stormtroopers came in and destroyed the house! I said that dreams sometimes have messages and I wondered out loud if maybe he now likes living in our house and is worried that something will happen to spoil that? He denied this of course. I told him that even if there was an earthquake we'd still live together.
Nanny woke and he showed her his room and Lego, which he hadn’t had time to do last night. All this made us really late and we had to rush to school. Nanny came with us and was really pleased to get to see him first thing in the morning and being able to take him to school.
The reason Nanny was staying over was so that Glen could accompany her to a relative’s funeral, so the two of them set off after we got back from dropping Robbie off at school. When I picked him up in the afternoon he told me they’d been told which class they’ll be in from next September and had an afternoon session with his new Year 2 teacher. Jonathan’s mum told me that his new teacher is a very popular teacher and we were lucky to be in her class! Jonathan won’t be in the same class with him, which is a shame, but the rest of the boys that he gets on with will, so that’s a relief. He’d also been given his school report.
Robbie asked if he could play in the park and I had to say he couldn’t as Sarah was coming to visit. He wasn’t pleased about it but didn’t complain too much. He told me he’d been thinking about his dream again so when we got home I activated the house alarm and then set it off so he could hear just how loud it was. This seemed to satisfy him that our house is safe from burglars and stormtroopers!
Before Sarah arrived I had a quick look at his school report and was really pleased. The school are obviously very happy with how well he’s settled and the transition he’s made from his old school. Sarah arrived at four as I was giving him his snack. He was very nervous at first, barely acknowledging her questions about the things he’d been doing since she last visited, but then seemed to relax. He showed her his truck and trampoline. I showed her the school report and she was very pleasantly surprised as her team expected him to struggle. She brought with her the letter authorising us to take Robbie out of the country for 3 days in August, which means that we now have everything in place for the trip to Spain! Robbie doesn’t know about this yet, as we decided not to tell him about it in case we didn’t manage to get everything sorted out in time. We’ll probably tell him the day he finishes school as a bit of a treat. She also gave me the details for his forthcoming contact session with his siblings. We’re not particularly looking forward to this as Robbie had a very difficult relationship with his siblings, but at the same time hope it’s a positive experience. It’s not for another couple of weeks so again we won’t tell him about it until nearer the time.
Once Sarah had left we sat down to do his homework and as I feared he soon exploded over nothing. Her visits always provoke a surge of emotions and he loses control. I was trying to manage it, knowing that it wasn’t really his fault that he was so emotional, but unfortunately in the middle of his outburst he hit himself. I was willing to overlook the tantrum, but we have a very strict rule about violence and he had to have a consequence (despite the fact Sarah’s visit had triggered it, an exception would have sent the wrong message), which as always was to lose the Wii for a week. He was really upset about it and I told him that hopefully he’ll remember and be able to control himself the next time she visits.
He sulked for a while but I managed to get him to snap out of it by asking him to grate some cheese for dinner. He likes to do it and loves to sneakily eat some of the cheese as he does so. We had a really good dinner just the two of us, laughing and being silly. Since he had calmed down, we had a chat about what had happened earlier and he understood why he needed to have a consequence for his actions. We also read his school report together. I read to him a line that said that they thought he was a lovely boy and they were very proud of his progress. He was really pleased but asked me to show him where it said so as he didn’t believe anyone would write that he’s a nice boy! I suggested we phone Annie to tell her about his good report and he agreed. She was over the moon and got him to say how proud he was of getting a good report. During the conversation she told him that his “old” best friend from his “old” school had called at her house to ask after him. I was worried that this would set him back as he hasn’t mentioned his old school friends in quite a while, but he was just pleased to hear that he was missed. She also mentioned that the twin babies that she looked after and Robbie used to live with would be going to a new home in a few weeks’ time.
He had a shower and then I read him some more of his book and put him to bed. I promised him that Glen and Nanny would be back later and he’d see them in the morning.
After he’d gone to sleep I phoned Annie again so we could talk without him being present. I read her some of the school report. She was genuinely pleased. I also told her about his reaction to Sarah’s visit and she thinks that it’s really positive that he discriminates between how he can behave in front of her (holding back) and that he feels comfortable and secure enough in his relationship with me to allow himself to explode and release the emotions she brings up in him. She also thinks that despite the fact that he doesn’t like getting a consequence I absolutely did the right thing by being consistent and that in Robbie’s mind knowing that the same action always has the same consequence provides stability. She also confirmed (as I imagined) that despite Robbie’s claim at the weekend that he’d never had an overnight stay at someone’s house before, he had indeed had them while he was staying with his foster carers. Annie is convinced, however, that he’s not saying things like that to lie to us but because he wants it to be the first time. The way she sees it, it’s the first time he’s doing those things with us and as far as he’s concerned it’s therefore the first time at all. The last thing we talked about was the planned contact with his siblings. She gave me some information about the last time the siblings saw each other and how it went, which is different from how Robbie remembers it (from what he’s told us) so we will have to talk to him about it a couple of days before contact actually happens to make sure he remembers what actually happened.
Nanny woke and he showed her his room and Lego, which he hadn’t had time to do last night. All this made us really late and we had to rush to school. Nanny came with us and was really pleased to get to see him first thing in the morning and being able to take him to school.
The reason Nanny was staying over was so that Glen could accompany her to a relative’s funeral, so the two of them set off after we got back from dropping Robbie off at school. When I picked him up in the afternoon he told me they’d been told which class they’ll be in from next September and had an afternoon session with his new Year 2 teacher. Jonathan’s mum told me that his new teacher is a very popular teacher and we were lucky to be in her class! Jonathan won’t be in the same class with him, which is a shame, but the rest of the boys that he gets on with will, so that’s a relief. He’d also been given his school report.
Robbie asked if he could play in the park and I had to say he couldn’t as Sarah was coming to visit. He wasn’t pleased about it but didn’t complain too much. He told me he’d been thinking about his dream again so when we got home I activated the house alarm and then set it off so he could hear just how loud it was. This seemed to satisfy him that our house is safe from burglars and stormtroopers!
Before Sarah arrived I had a quick look at his school report and was really pleased. The school are obviously very happy with how well he’s settled and the transition he’s made from his old school. Sarah arrived at four as I was giving him his snack. He was very nervous at first, barely acknowledging her questions about the things he’d been doing since she last visited, but then seemed to relax. He showed her his truck and trampoline. I showed her the school report and she was very pleasantly surprised as her team expected him to struggle. She brought with her the letter authorising us to take Robbie out of the country for 3 days in August, which means that we now have everything in place for the trip to Spain! Robbie doesn’t know about this yet, as we decided not to tell him about it in case we didn’t manage to get everything sorted out in time. We’ll probably tell him the day he finishes school as a bit of a treat. She also gave me the details for his forthcoming contact session with his siblings. We’re not particularly looking forward to this as Robbie had a very difficult relationship with his siblings, but at the same time hope it’s a positive experience. It’s not for another couple of weeks so again we won’t tell him about it until nearer the time.
Once Sarah had left we sat down to do his homework and as I feared he soon exploded over nothing. Her visits always provoke a surge of emotions and he loses control. I was trying to manage it, knowing that it wasn’t really his fault that he was so emotional, but unfortunately in the middle of his outburst he hit himself. I was willing to overlook the tantrum, but we have a very strict rule about violence and he had to have a consequence (despite the fact Sarah’s visit had triggered it, an exception would have sent the wrong message), which as always was to lose the Wii for a week. He was really upset about it and I told him that hopefully he’ll remember and be able to control himself the next time she visits.
He sulked for a while but I managed to get him to snap out of it by asking him to grate some cheese for dinner. He likes to do it and loves to sneakily eat some of the cheese as he does so. We had a really good dinner just the two of us, laughing and being silly. Since he had calmed down, we had a chat about what had happened earlier and he understood why he needed to have a consequence for his actions. We also read his school report together. I read to him a line that said that they thought he was a lovely boy and they were very proud of his progress. He was really pleased but asked me to show him where it said so as he didn’t believe anyone would write that he’s a nice boy! I suggested we phone Annie to tell her about his good report and he agreed. She was over the moon and got him to say how proud he was of getting a good report. During the conversation she told him that his “old” best friend from his “old” school had called at her house to ask after him. I was worried that this would set him back as he hasn’t mentioned his old school friends in quite a while, but he was just pleased to hear that he was missed. She also mentioned that the twin babies that she looked after and Robbie used to live with would be going to a new home in a few weeks’ time.
He had a shower and then I read him some more of his book and put him to bed. I promised him that Glen and Nanny would be back later and he’d see them in the morning.
After he’d gone to sleep I phoned Annie again so we could talk without him being present. I read her some of the school report. She was genuinely pleased. I also told her about his reaction to Sarah’s visit and she thinks that it’s really positive that he discriminates between how he can behave in front of her (holding back) and that he feels comfortable and secure enough in his relationship with me to allow himself to explode and release the emotions she brings up in him. She also thinks that despite the fact that he doesn’t like getting a consequence I absolutely did the right thing by being consistent and that in Robbie’s mind knowing that the same action always has the same consequence provides stability. She also confirmed (as I imagined) that despite Robbie’s claim at the weekend that he’d never had an overnight stay at someone’s house before, he had indeed had them while he was staying with his foster carers. Annie is convinced, however, that he’s not saying things like that to lie to us but because he wants it to be the first time. The way she sees it, it’s the first time he’s doing those things with us and as far as he’s concerned it’s therefore the first time at all. The last thing we talked about was the planned contact with his siblings. She gave me some information about the last time the siblings saw each other and how it went, which is different from how Robbie remembers it (from what he’s told us) so we will have to talk to him about it a couple of days before contact actually happens to make sure he remembers what actually happened.
Tuesday 6th July (day 81): A visit from Nanny
Robbie had a really good morning and I dropped him off at school without any altercations. He didn’t mention at all the fact that he wouldn’t be allowed to play in the park because of yesterday’s behaviour. I then spent the rest of the day cleaning as Nanny was coming to stay for a couple of nights.
Glen picked him up from school. He asked Robbie if he’d had a good day at school and he said he had, but he wasn’t going to for the rest of the day. Glen asked him why and he replied that it was because he wouldn’t be allowed to go to the park. They drove home and he did his homework quickly and without complaint. After that he played with the other kids outside and then he had 30 minutes playing Lego Star Wars on the Wii. He was very happy because he managed to complete one of the levels. When the time he’d earned was up he asked what else he could do. Normally at that time we would have been having dinner, but Nanny was delayed and he seemed to be at a loss as to what he could do. I suggested his truck, his trampoline, his many toys… he half-heartedly played with his pedal truck, but five minutes later continued to come to us. The break in his usual routine really threw him.
When Nanny finally arrived he was really pleased to see her, although a bit nervous again. We had dinner and then sent him up to brush his teeth. A couple of minutes later he whistled to indicate that he was done. I told him from the bottom of the stairs that I wasn’t a dog and if he wanted to call me he should just call for me. Of course, he whistled again, so I told him off. I must admit I had a bad headache and wasn’t in the mood for his boundary testing.
We read his story and in the end he went to bed an hour later than usual. As soon as we came downstairs I was so tired that I fell asleep on the sofa and only woke up when Nanny said goodnight. Thankfully she knows that I didn’t do it on purpose because she was visiting!
We had a text from a mum from school asking if Robbie could go for a play and then tea at their house. Her son Jonathan has made good friends with Robbie. We couldn’t make the date she suggested as his social worker will be visiting that afternoon, but we arranged another date. We were really pleased, though, as it’s a real indicator of how well he gets on with other kids. It’s such a relief that he does, especially knowing that only a year ago he was so aggressive towards other children that nobody in his reception class at his old school liked him!
When we were on our own I felt bad, as I always do, for telling Robbie off. I kept thinking I could have managed the situation with the whistling a little better. Still, we sat and watched an episode of Outnumbered, which is always a great antidote when you’re feeling like you’ve got a difficult child or are a bad parent.
Glen picked him up from school. He asked Robbie if he’d had a good day at school and he said he had, but he wasn’t going to for the rest of the day. Glen asked him why and he replied that it was because he wouldn’t be allowed to go to the park. They drove home and he did his homework quickly and without complaint. After that he played with the other kids outside and then he had 30 minutes playing Lego Star Wars on the Wii. He was very happy because he managed to complete one of the levels. When the time he’d earned was up he asked what else he could do. Normally at that time we would have been having dinner, but Nanny was delayed and he seemed to be at a loss as to what he could do. I suggested his truck, his trampoline, his many toys… he half-heartedly played with his pedal truck, but five minutes later continued to come to us. The break in his usual routine really threw him.
When Nanny finally arrived he was really pleased to see her, although a bit nervous again. We had dinner and then sent him up to brush his teeth. A couple of minutes later he whistled to indicate that he was done. I told him from the bottom of the stairs that I wasn’t a dog and if he wanted to call me he should just call for me. Of course, he whistled again, so I told him off. I must admit I had a bad headache and wasn’t in the mood for his boundary testing.
We read his story and in the end he went to bed an hour later than usual. As soon as we came downstairs I was so tired that I fell asleep on the sofa and only woke up when Nanny said goodnight. Thankfully she knows that I didn’t do it on purpose because she was visiting!
We had a text from a mum from school asking if Robbie could go for a play and then tea at their house. Her son Jonathan has made good friends with Robbie. We couldn’t make the date she suggested as his social worker will be visiting that afternoon, but we arranged another date. We were really pleased, though, as it’s a real indicator of how well he gets on with other kids. It’s such a relief that he does, especially knowing that only a year ago he was so aggressive towards other children that nobody in his reception class at his old school liked him!
When we were on our own I felt bad, as I always do, for telling Robbie off. I kept thinking I could have managed the situation with the whistling a little better. Still, we sat and watched an episode of Outnumbered, which is always a great antidote when you’re feeling like you’ve got a difficult child or are a bad parent.
Thursday, 15 July 2010
Monday 5th July (day 80): Homework Wars: Robbie Strikes Back!
We had a really good morning without any incidents at all. When I got back home I went to pick up a pedal truck I’d bought for Robbie on Ebay from a nearby area. It’s not easy to find pedal trucks for his age as most stop at around 5 so I was pleased I’d found one in good condition. In the afternoon I picked Robbie up from school and we went to the park, where he played football with some of his classmates. One of the parents gave me his phone number so that we can arrange playdates in the summer, which I was really chuffed about. Robbie is becoming a popular child at school and it’s such a relief. After the park we did some food shopping together and then came home. I showed him the pedal truck and he was really happy with it. Let’s hope it’s more successful than the trampoline, which has hardly been touched after the initial excitement…
We sat down for his homework and when it came to doing his spellings all hell broke loose. He shouted, cried and flatly refused to do them so he was given five minutes on the sofa to think about his behaviour. When the time was up I tried to get him to calm down and understand why he needs to do his spellings and he shouted at me again, so he was given a further five minutes, this time in his room (with the door open and me in the next room, not isolated). He started punching his mattress repeatedly and when I asked him to stop he told me he wanted to kill me. He’s never said that before but in a bizarre way I was glad I was the focus of his anger and not himself (other times he’d say “I want to die”). He had a further five minutes to reflect and then I told him to come downstairs when he was ready. He came down straight away, but I thought it was best not to challenge him. He started working on his spellings but began to growl at the same time. I didn’t think it was wise for me to intervene so Glen, who’d stayed away from the situation up to then, gave him a warning. Robbie growled again, so Glen warned him that he wouldn’t be allowed to play in the park the following day if he continued to do so. Robbie growled one more time and had his final warning and then of course he did it once again so he was told we wouldn’t be stopping at the park after school on Tuesday. He loves going to the park and we’d never used it as a consequence before so he cried and cried asking why. We explained he’d had warnings and disregarded them but it was no good. He was beside himself. At that point the neighbourhood kids called to ask if Robbie could come out to play, so I had to tell them he wasn’t allowed out.
He finally calmed down enough to finish his spellings. After that I sat down with him and explained that no matter what he does, he’ll always end up doing the spellings so it really wasn’t worth the hassle. I told him he could have done his spellings in ten minutes and then played on the Wii and outside. Instead he’d lost it, said and done things he didn’t mean, and had to be given a consequence for his actions. I reiterated that we don't like to give him consequences and we don’t think he’s naughty, but his behaviour was not acceptable. We had a big cuddle and he apologised. I asked him to give Glen a hug as well and he did.
By then it was dinner time. We had a good dinner until the dessert arrived. It was a bowl of strawberries, grapes and nectarine pieces. He loves strawberries and grapes, but he hadn’t tried nectarines before (or so he claimed) and decided he didn’t like them. A few seconds later the bowl was on the floor. Neither Glen nor I had seen it fall so we didn’t know if it was an accident or it had been dropped on purpose. Robbie said “now I can’t have it” and looked at us waiting for a response. Glen was convinced it was an accident, but I’ve seen Robbie do something by accident (like when he dropped a milk bottle on the floor) and know he automatically feels responsible and embarrassed. This time there was no such reaction. There was no way of proving it though, so we just made up another bowl with more strawberries, grapes and of course nectarine, and watched as he at it.
After his bedtime routine it took him a long time to go to sleep. I could hear him talking to himself. We spent the evening discussing if it was right to be so inflexible, and feeling bad for being so hard on him, but we know that he cannot think that he can get away with screaming, not doing his homework, or saying things like “I want to kill you”. We knew he would test boundaries and that’s what he’s doing. We also know that the firmer the boundaries, the more secure he will feel. But sometimes it’s very hard and you feel very bad about it.
We sat down for his homework and when it came to doing his spellings all hell broke loose. He shouted, cried and flatly refused to do them so he was given five minutes on the sofa to think about his behaviour. When the time was up I tried to get him to calm down and understand why he needs to do his spellings and he shouted at me again, so he was given a further five minutes, this time in his room (with the door open and me in the next room, not isolated). He started punching his mattress repeatedly and when I asked him to stop he told me he wanted to kill me. He’s never said that before but in a bizarre way I was glad I was the focus of his anger and not himself (other times he’d say “I want to die”). He had a further five minutes to reflect and then I told him to come downstairs when he was ready. He came down straight away, but I thought it was best not to challenge him. He started working on his spellings but began to growl at the same time. I didn’t think it was wise for me to intervene so Glen, who’d stayed away from the situation up to then, gave him a warning. Robbie growled again, so Glen warned him that he wouldn’t be allowed to play in the park the following day if he continued to do so. Robbie growled one more time and had his final warning and then of course he did it once again so he was told we wouldn’t be stopping at the park after school on Tuesday. He loves going to the park and we’d never used it as a consequence before so he cried and cried asking why. We explained he’d had warnings and disregarded them but it was no good. He was beside himself. At that point the neighbourhood kids called to ask if Robbie could come out to play, so I had to tell them he wasn’t allowed out.
He finally calmed down enough to finish his spellings. After that I sat down with him and explained that no matter what he does, he’ll always end up doing the spellings so it really wasn’t worth the hassle. I told him he could have done his spellings in ten minutes and then played on the Wii and outside. Instead he’d lost it, said and done things he didn’t mean, and had to be given a consequence for his actions. I reiterated that we don't like to give him consequences and we don’t think he’s naughty, but his behaviour was not acceptable. We had a big cuddle and he apologised. I asked him to give Glen a hug as well and he did.
By then it was dinner time. We had a good dinner until the dessert arrived. It was a bowl of strawberries, grapes and nectarine pieces. He loves strawberries and grapes, but he hadn’t tried nectarines before (or so he claimed) and decided he didn’t like them. A few seconds later the bowl was on the floor. Neither Glen nor I had seen it fall so we didn’t know if it was an accident or it had been dropped on purpose. Robbie said “now I can’t have it” and looked at us waiting for a response. Glen was convinced it was an accident, but I’ve seen Robbie do something by accident (like when he dropped a milk bottle on the floor) and know he automatically feels responsible and embarrassed. This time there was no such reaction. There was no way of proving it though, so we just made up another bowl with more strawberries, grapes and of course nectarine, and watched as he at it.
After his bedtime routine it took him a long time to go to sleep. I could hear him talking to himself. We spent the evening discussing if it was right to be so inflexible, and feeling bad for being so hard on him, but we know that he cannot think that he can get away with screaming, not doing his homework, or saying things like “I want to kill you”. We knew he would test boundaries and that’s what he’s doing. We also know that the firmer the boundaries, the more secure he will feel. But sometimes it’s very hard and you feel very bad about it.
Wednesday, 14 July 2010
Sunday 4rd July (day 79): Another lovely day
The boys woke up at 7.30. I heard them go into Timothy’s parents’ room as they had been asked to do. I got up to check everything was OK and sorted out finding the kids’ channel on the TV, which Hugh’s grandma could not work out how to do.
I asked Robbie if he’d had a good sleepover and he said he hadn’t (this is going back to the fact that he hadn’t been allowed to get the top bunk – he didn’t say so but he didn’t have to). I said that in that case we’d better not do it again then and he changed his mind there and then. Knowing he’d had a lot less sleep than he usually does I was worried he’d have an outburst, but he was actually OK all morning.
After the boys got dressed, Patrice and I took them with us on the short walk to pick up Thierry. Then we all had breakfast together. We spent the morning playing board games and playing outside and then we went over to a restaurant for lunch. It was a bright afternoon and all of us enjoyed the weather, the food and the company. When we got back I helped Patrice to sort out a few bits that needed looking into with her computer while Glen, Timothy and the boys planted some flowers in the garden for a while.
When we got home we had a small something to eat and then Robbie had a bath. While he was in the bath he commented on what a nice weekend he’d had. He also said that the thought that Timothy, Patrice, the boys and their grandparents had liked him. For a boy whose self-esteem is as low as his, that was an amazing statement to make. You could tell he was really pleased with how well he’d been received and so were we!
I asked Robbie if he’d had a good sleepover and he said he hadn’t (this is going back to the fact that he hadn’t been allowed to get the top bunk – he didn’t say so but he didn’t have to). I said that in that case we’d better not do it again then and he changed his mind there and then. Knowing he’d had a lot less sleep than he usually does I was worried he’d have an outburst, but he was actually OK all morning.
After the boys got dressed, Patrice and I took them with us on the short walk to pick up Thierry. Then we all had breakfast together. We spent the morning playing board games and playing outside and then we went over to a restaurant for lunch. It was a bright afternoon and all of us enjoyed the weather, the food and the company. When we got back I helped Patrice to sort out a few bits that needed looking into with her computer while Glen, Timothy and the boys planted some flowers in the garden for a while.
When we got home we had a small something to eat and then Robbie had a bath. While he was in the bath he commented on what a nice weekend he’d had. He also said that the thought that Timothy, Patrice, the boys and their grandparents had liked him. For a boy whose self-esteem is as low as his, that was an amazing statement to make. You could tell he was really pleased with how well he’d been received and so were we!
Saturday 3rd July (day 78): Staying overnight for the first time
On Saturday Robbie woke up early but he stayed in his room until we went to wake him up. While Glen and I were sorting out breakfast he went outside and started kicking a ball in garden. Robbie knows that he’s not allowed to play football in the garden as the ball invariably ends up in the middle of the flowers and he can always play by the front of the house. When Glen reminded him of this, Robbie glared at him and continued to kick the ball while holding Glen’s stare, daring him to stop him. Glen wasn’t in the mood for boundary testing, so all the balls went in the garage and said that from now on if he wants one he’ll have to ask for it. Robbie was really upset. I tried to get him to calm down and he shouted at me, so he was told to sit on the sofa for five minutes. He calmed down and soon we were having breakfast at last. He was quite excited about going on the trip with the Beavers and looking forward to going over to our friends Timothy and Patrice’s house afterwards and staying over, as we had planned. Timothy and Patrice have two boys (Thierry and Hugh) near Robbie’s age and he really enjoyed himself the last time we went. They don’t live far from the museum the Beavers were visiting, so against my better judgment (see my post from the other day) I had agreed to help out on the Beaver trip so I could then stay behind with Robbie and head over to their place.
Glen left early to meet the parents of all the Beavers who were coming on the trip and we joined him at the agreed time. Robbie got on the coach, sat with all the other kids and never came over in the whole journey to “check in” with us as he sometimes does.
The visit to the museum was really good. There were several parent helpers and we all had several children assigned to us. Robbie was in a group with another helper, neither Glen nor I. He was a bit jealous that we were paying attention to other children and became a bit clingy sometimes, coming to give us hugs for example, but he behaved really well.
After the visit to the museum was over, Glen got on the coach with the rest of the Beavers and I stayed behind with Robbie. We kicked a stone about while we waited for Patrice to pick us up. She took us to the house and there we said hello to Timothy and his parents, whom I’ve known for almost as long as I’ve known Timothy and were really looking forward to meeting Robbie. While we all caught up Robbie played with Hugh. Their other son Thierry was at a friend’s birthday party and would be staying there overnight.
Glen drove back from home after ensuring all the Beavers were collected and joined us in time for dinner. We had a lovely meal and afterwards the boys watched a DVD until 10 pm. They were both quite tired but excited about us staying over. Robbie said he’d never stayed over in another house before. When we put them to bed he got a bit moody because he wanted to sleep in the top bunk, but Hugh had been promised that he could sleep in his brother’s bed and Robbie had to sleep in Hugh’s bed instead. I told him if he didn’t like it we could always go home and he was fine after that. Timothy’s parents told the boys that if they woke up early they should go into their bedroom and leave Timothy and Patrice and us to sleep in for once…
The adults stayed up until way too late catching up and enjoying the company of friends and being able to socialise after 7.30 for the first time since Robbie moved in!
Glen left early to meet the parents of all the Beavers who were coming on the trip and we joined him at the agreed time. Robbie got on the coach, sat with all the other kids and never came over in the whole journey to “check in” with us as he sometimes does.
The visit to the museum was really good. There were several parent helpers and we all had several children assigned to us. Robbie was in a group with another helper, neither Glen nor I. He was a bit jealous that we were paying attention to other children and became a bit clingy sometimes, coming to give us hugs for example, but he behaved really well.
After the visit to the museum was over, Glen got on the coach with the rest of the Beavers and I stayed behind with Robbie. We kicked a stone about while we waited for Patrice to pick us up. She took us to the house and there we said hello to Timothy and his parents, whom I’ve known for almost as long as I’ve known Timothy and were really looking forward to meeting Robbie. While we all caught up Robbie played with Hugh. Their other son Thierry was at a friend’s birthday party and would be staying there overnight.
Glen drove back from home after ensuring all the Beavers were collected and joined us in time for dinner. We had a lovely meal and afterwards the boys watched a DVD until 10 pm. They were both quite tired but excited about us staying over. Robbie said he’d never stayed over in another house before. When we put them to bed he got a bit moody because he wanted to sleep in the top bunk, but Hugh had been promised that he could sleep in his brother’s bed and Robbie had to sleep in Hugh’s bed instead. I told him if he didn’t like it we could always go home and he was fine after that. Timothy’s parents told the boys that if they woke up early they should go into their bedroom and leave Timothy and Patrice and us to sleep in for once…
The adults stayed up until way too late catching up and enjoying the company of friends and being able to socialise after 7.30 for the first time since Robbie moved in!
Friday 2nd July (Day 77): If at first you don’t succeed…
On Friday Robbie woke up tired again and would not get out of bed. When I finally got him to come downstairs for his breakfast he growled at me for giving him the usual cereal (apparently he didn’t fancy that one that morning). I ignored the growling, so he said to me “you know what's happening”. I asked what was happening and he answered “you know because I growled”. I asked him if the growling meant that he was getting angry and he said yes. I knew where he was going. The last time he said he was angry it was about how his birth parents treated him and he got the reaction he wanted from me. He also knew that when he tried a similar thing the day before it hadn’t worked because of Glen intervening, so I’m sure he wanted me to fall for it this time and therefore regain control. Only I didn’t. I just said to him “there's a difference between being angry because of something that happened or because someone got hurt and being angry because you're not getting your way. You’re not angry Robbie, you didn’t get me to do what you wanted and you’re annoyed”. He wasn’t happy about this but I managed to distract him and he had his breakfast without further ado.
I sent him upstairs to have his morning poo and wash his face. He took the timer with him to know how long he could play on his DS while he sat on the loo and I got dressed while he did that. When I checked on him he was at the basin. He had the timer in his hand and he told me it had got wet by accident. Indeed the timer (a digital one) was blank and dripping. He said it was an accident and started to cry. I explained that I understood it was an accident, but he still needs to be more careful and he knows the timer shouldn't go anywhere near the sink. To be honest, I have no idea if it was an accident of if he chucked it in the water as revenge because he didn’t get the reaction he wanted from me earlier in the morning and the night before. I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt.
I took him to school and on the way in he read out loud the board that lists his activities for the day perfectly well – we’re getting there when it comes to reading! In the afternoon Glen picked him up. A fair had been set up right by the park where he normally plays and on the way home Robbie told him he wanted to go. Glen had to explain that the fair starts at 6.30, which is his dinner time. The other kids from school will be going on Saturday morning, but he’s going on a Beaver trip so he won’t be able to come. Robbie accepted the explanation and didn’t fuss about not being able to go to the fair.
When they got home I showed him that the timer had dried up OK and it was now working again. He had a quick snack and then played football outside. When he got back in we took his stuff out of his school bag and found a certificate for getting all his spellings right two weeks in a row. We asked him why he hadn’t mentioned it and he said he didn’t want to tell us about it. We said it would have been a real pity if we hadn’t found out as a certificate earns you an extra achievement star. He was really pleased.
After dinner he watched some football on the TV. At one point he leant on the remote control and the TV went blank. He thought he'd done something wrong and got really anxious and embarrassed. I tried to explain that nothing was wrong, but he’d already worked himself up thinking he’d broken the TV or something and he screamed at us. As much as we hated having to do so, we then had to have a consequence for shouting horrible things so the TV had to be turned off. Once he’d calmed down we “hugged it out” and he was fine for his bedtime routine.
I sent him upstairs to have his morning poo and wash his face. He took the timer with him to know how long he could play on his DS while he sat on the loo and I got dressed while he did that. When I checked on him he was at the basin. He had the timer in his hand and he told me it had got wet by accident. Indeed the timer (a digital one) was blank and dripping. He said it was an accident and started to cry. I explained that I understood it was an accident, but he still needs to be more careful and he knows the timer shouldn't go anywhere near the sink. To be honest, I have no idea if it was an accident of if he chucked it in the water as revenge because he didn’t get the reaction he wanted from me earlier in the morning and the night before. I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt.
I took him to school and on the way in he read out loud the board that lists his activities for the day perfectly well – we’re getting there when it comes to reading! In the afternoon Glen picked him up. A fair had been set up right by the park where he normally plays and on the way home Robbie told him he wanted to go. Glen had to explain that the fair starts at 6.30, which is his dinner time. The other kids from school will be going on Saturday morning, but he’s going on a Beaver trip so he won’t be able to come. Robbie accepted the explanation and didn’t fuss about not being able to go to the fair.
When they got home I showed him that the timer had dried up OK and it was now working again. He had a quick snack and then played football outside. When he got back in we took his stuff out of his school bag and found a certificate for getting all his spellings right two weeks in a row. We asked him why he hadn’t mentioned it and he said he didn’t want to tell us about it. We said it would have been a real pity if we hadn’t found out as a certificate earns you an extra achievement star. He was really pleased.
After dinner he watched some football on the TV. At one point he leant on the remote control and the TV went blank. He thought he'd done something wrong and got really anxious and embarrassed. I tried to explain that nothing was wrong, but he’d already worked himself up thinking he’d broken the TV or something and he screamed at us. As much as we hated having to do so, we then had to have a consequence for shouting horrible things so the TV had to be turned off. Once he’d calmed down we “hugged it out” and he was fine for his bedtime routine.
Monday, 12 July 2010
Thursday 1st July (Day 76): The Great Manipulator
We had a really good morning. Robbie got up as soon as his alarm clock went off and therefore he had lots of time to watch Ben 10 after he’d had breakfast and got ready. He was disappointed that the tooth fairy had “only” left one pound, but when Glen asked him if he wanted the tooth fairy to think he was an ungrateful boy he said he didn’t and put his coin away.
Glen dropped him off at school. His whole year group were going on a trip to the zoo and he was really looking forward to it. When I picked him up that afternoon he was really happy and said how much he’d enjoyed it. As soon as we got home he had a quick snack and then we were off to Beavers. I was supposed to drop him off and then go for a swim, but Glen was short of parent helpers and asked me to stay. I must admit I wasn’t happy about it for a number of reasons. First of all because Beavers is their time to be together doing an activity in which I’m not involved in at all. Second of all because I wanted to go swimming and enjoy my hour of “freedom”. But most importantly because I really don’t think I should help out at Beavers. Other parents know that Glen is the leader and Robbie is his son, so when I’m around and he comes to me, it’s obvious that I’m also his dad. I have absolutely nothing against people in general knowing that we’re a gay couple and Robbie has two dads, but when it comes to Beavers parents’ I feel differently. Not for me, but for Glen. You never know what other parents may think of a gay man being a Beaver leader. Boy Scout and Beaver leaders have bad enough reputations as it is! But if they think that I help out regularly and that the group is basically led by two gay men they may put two and two together and come up with 22. I know it’s silly and most people in the area where we live would probably not be bothered at all (and if they asked they’d find both of us have been CRB-checked three times in the last two years), but most people prefer to talk rather than ask and you never know what they’re saying, so I prefer to stay away from Beavers. I know I have as much right to help as any other parent, but I prefer it that way. Paranoid? Maybe. Easier? Definitely.
Anyway, I stayed and helped out as they were a person short for the activities they had planned. When we got home Robbie had a quick shower and dinner. When we sent him up to brush his teeth he turned around, pulled down his trousers, and shook his willy at us. I know al six-year-old boys do that, but I don’t like him doing it and I told him to put it away and stop messing about. He didn't like being told off, so he went to the front door and opened it. Glen asked him what he thought he was doing and Robbie replied “You know what I'm doing” (meaning running away). Glen ignored him altogether, so he shut the door and came and sat on my lap. He put his sad face on and said “I don't like living here”, trying to get sympathy from me. Of course he knew that the last time he’d said something similar to me (a few days ago, when he was talking about his birth family and really meant that he wished he could live with them) it had worked a treat and got my undivided attention, hugs and kisses so he must have figured it would work again and I’d forget I was in the middle of telling him off. It's very difficult not to get sucked in by this sweet-looking six-year-old boy. I was going to fall for it completely when Glen cut him off and told him it's not right to say that to make us feel sorry for him. We don't want to discourage him from talking to us about his feelings, but the problem is that soon as it works once he makes a mental note of "this line gets me hugs and out of trouble" and we can’t let him manipulate us. Of course Robbie got annoyed at being caught out, but we soon managed to calm him down and take him upstairs.
We read some more of his Paddington book and took him to bed. Given we’d just had a bit of a confrontation I didn’t think he’d reply when we said we loved him as we kissed him goodnight, but he did and told both of us that he loved us too.
Glen dropped him off at school. His whole year group were going on a trip to the zoo and he was really looking forward to it. When I picked him up that afternoon he was really happy and said how much he’d enjoyed it. As soon as we got home he had a quick snack and then we were off to Beavers. I was supposed to drop him off and then go for a swim, but Glen was short of parent helpers and asked me to stay. I must admit I wasn’t happy about it for a number of reasons. First of all because Beavers is their time to be together doing an activity in which I’m not involved in at all. Second of all because I wanted to go swimming and enjoy my hour of “freedom”. But most importantly because I really don’t think I should help out at Beavers. Other parents know that Glen is the leader and Robbie is his son, so when I’m around and he comes to me, it’s obvious that I’m also his dad. I have absolutely nothing against people in general knowing that we’re a gay couple and Robbie has two dads, but when it comes to Beavers parents’ I feel differently. Not for me, but for Glen. You never know what other parents may think of a gay man being a Beaver leader. Boy Scout and Beaver leaders have bad enough reputations as it is! But if they think that I help out regularly and that the group is basically led by two gay men they may put two and two together and come up with 22. I know it’s silly and most people in the area where we live would probably not be bothered at all (and if they asked they’d find both of us have been CRB-checked three times in the last two years), but most people prefer to talk rather than ask and you never know what they’re saying, so I prefer to stay away from Beavers. I know I have as much right to help as any other parent, but I prefer it that way. Paranoid? Maybe. Easier? Definitely.
Anyway, I stayed and helped out as they were a person short for the activities they had planned. When we got home Robbie had a quick shower and dinner. When we sent him up to brush his teeth he turned around, pulled down his trousers, and shook his willy at us. I know al six-year-old boys do that, but I don’t like him doing it and I told him to put it away and stop messing about. He didn't like being told off, so he went to the front door and opened it. Glen asked him what he thought he was doing and Robbie replied “You know what I'm doing” (meaning running away). Glen ignored him altogether, so he shut the door and came and sat on my lap. He put his sad face on and said “I don't like living here”, trying to get sympathy from me. Of course he knew that the last time he’d said something similar to me (a few days ago, when he was talking about his birth family and really meant that he wished he could live with them) it had worked a treat and got my undivided attention, hugs and kisses so he must have figured it would work again and I’d forget I was in the middle of telling him off. It's very difficult not to get sucked in by this sweet-looking six-year-old boy. I was going to fall for it completely when Glen cut him off and told him it's not right to say that to make us feel sorry for him. We don't want to discourage him from talking to us about his feelings, but the problem is that soon as it works once he makes a mental note of "this line gets me hugs and out of trouble" and we can’t let him manipulate us. Of course Robbie got annoyed at being caught out, but we soon managed to calm him down and take him upstairs.
We read some more of his Paddington book and took him to bed. Given we’d just had a bit of a confrontation I didn’t think he’d reply when we said we loved him as we kissed him goodnight, but he did and told both of us that he loved us too.
Saturday, 10 July 2010
Wednesday 30th June (Day 75): “I love you too” (part two)
Robbie would not get out of bed in the morning. I woke him up and told him his juice was ready downstairs. Five minutes later I had to come up again, and another five minutes later I finally managed to get him to get out of bed. At breakfast I thanked him for saying “I love you too” the previous night, but I said that if he meant it he should say it to both of us, and if he didn’t mean it then he shouldn’t say it at all.
I drove him to school. On the way there Robbie asked me why we hadn’t counted red cars for a while. I reminded him he’d got upset last time we had and he’d said he never wanted to play again. He replied that he didn’t really mean it, so I told him that that’s the problem with saying things we don’t mean, that people believe us when we say them. I added that maybe we could try again soon…
When I got home there was a knock at the door: it was the special delivery of his passport! We were really chuffed to finally have it in our hands. We were surprised it had been delivered to us and not his social worker. Now all we need is her letter authorising us to travel with him and all should be fine. Fingers crossed!
We had our first attachment-focused counselling session in three weeks (we had to miss two because of Robbie being ill and Glen being away). There was a lot to catch up with and we told Alice all about how Robbie’s been opening up and talking about his past. Alice thinks it’s very positive as his anger is directed towards his birth parents and not us. She said we did the right things and when he has moments like that our job is to be with him and validate his feelings as we did. She also thinks all’s going well considering he’s been with us for less than three months, so that was very reassuring.
Glen picked Robbie up from school, took him to the dentist for his first appointment since he came to live with us (all was well) and then they went shopping. He offered Robbie a treat for being good at the dentist’s and he chose a Star Wars lightsaber. When they got home Robbie was really pleased and in a very good mood. He played outside for a while and when he came back he gave me a big hug and a cuddle for no reason. We sat down to dinner and afterwards, when he was about to brush his teeth, he said his wobbly tooth needed to come out. Glen had a go at pulling it out but the tooth wouldn’t come out, so we told Robbie to wait until the morning.
After his bedtime story we put him to bed. Glen kissed him goodnight and said “I love you”. Robbie replied “I love you too”. When I did the same he also replied “I love you too”. Then he hugged me and whispered in my ear “I said it to both of you!” I whispered back “Did you mean it?” and he replied that he did and gave me another big hug.
Half an hour later he came out of his bedroom saying that his tooth kept wobbling. I told him to twist it a bit and then Glen pulled it out. After a few mouth rinses he put it in his special tooth fairy pillow and I had to do a very surreptitious and swift tooth-for-coin swap right under his nose! Thankfully he never noticed. The cheeky so-and-so said he hoped this time the tooth fairy would bring £2 instead of £1!
I drove him to school. On the way there Robbie asked me why we hadn’t counted red cars for a while. I reminded him he’d got upset last time we had and he’d said he never wanted to play again. He replied that he didn’t really mean it, so I told him that that’s the problem with saying things we don’t mean, that people believe us when we say them. I added that maybe we could try again soon…
When I got home there was a knock at the door: it was the special delivery of his passport! We were really chuffed to finally have it in our hands. We were surprised it had been delivered to us and not his social worker. Now all we need is her letter authorising us to travel with him and all should be fine. Fingers crossed!
We had our first attachment-focused counselling session in three weeks (we had to miss two because of Robbie being ill and Glen being away). There was a lot to catch up with and we told Alice all about how Robbie’s been opening up and talking about his past. Alice thinks it’s very positive as his anger is directed towards his birth parents and not us. She said we did the right things and when he has moments like that our job is to be with him and validate his feelings as we did. She also thinks all’s going well considering he’s been with us for less than three months, so that was very reassuring.
Glen picked Robbie up from school, took him to the dentist for his first appointment since he came to live with us (all was well) and then they went shopping. He offered Robbie a treat for being good at the dentist’s and he chose a Star Wars lightsaber. When they got home Robbie was really pleased and in a very good mood. He played outside for a while and when he came back he gave me a big hug and a cuddle for no reason. We sat down to dinner and afterwards, when he was about to brush his teeth, he said his wobbly tooth needed to come out. Glen had a go at pulling it out but the tooth wouldn’t come out, so we told Robbie to wait until the morning.
After his bedtime story we put him to bed. Glen kissed him goodnight and said “I love you”. Robbie replied “I love you too”. When I did the same he also replied “I love you too”. Then he hugged me and whispered in my ear “I said it to both of you!” I whispered back “Did you mean it?” and he replied that he did and gave me another big hug.
Half an hour later he came out of his bedroom saying that his tooth kept wobbling. I told him to twist it a bit and then Glen pulled it out. After a few mouth rinses he put it in his special tooth fairy pillow and I had to do a very surreptitious and swift tooth-for-coin swap right under his nose! Thankfully he never noticed. The cheeky so-and-so said he hoped this time the tooth fairy would bring £2 instead of £1!
Friday, 9 July 2010
Tuesday 29th June (Day 74): “I love you too”
On Tuesday morning Robbie quite simply did not want to get up. He was really tired and I had to wake him three times as he kept falling asleep again. When he came downstairs, he went to the door to get the milk and dropped one of the bottles. He was embarrassed by it and cried. I said it was OK and I knew it had been an accident, but he hid upstairs in shame. When he came down I reiterated that it was fine, and the rest of the morning was good. Glen was working away, so we dropped him off at the station on our way to school.
When I picked Robbie up in the afternoon he said he wanted to go to the park with some of his classmates, so we did. While he played football, I chatted with some of the other parents (yes, it’s not only mums although they are the overwhelming majority). Some of them mentioned we must swap phone numbers and meet over the summer holidays for playdates. I was really chuffed. Like every parent, we want our child to be popular and the fact that other kids like him and their parents are happy to have him around is great. We know from everything we’ve read and talking to other adoptive parents that sometimes adoptive children find it hard to adapt to school or difficult to interact with other children, so we consider ourselves really lucky with how well Robbie has integrated into his school and made friends.
I haven’t mentioned that for the last few nights I’d been trying something. Whenever we say goodnight to Robbie, we always whisper “I love you” to him. He makes a point of staring at us when we say it and not replying. He has said “I love you” back to us on several occasions, but not at bedtime. As I mentioned before, he uses the words “I love you” as a bit of a power / control weapon, and I don’t really like that. For the last few nights, I wished him goodnight but didn’t say “I love you” (Glen did). He noticed straight away, and said to me “Aren’t you going to say anything else?” I asked him what he wanted me to say and he said he didn’t know, so we left it at that every time. In the car on the way back I had a chat with Robbie about it. I explained that just like when you say hello to somebody you expect them to answer hello back and if they don’t after a few attempts you just stop saying hello to them, it was the same with saying “I love you”. I pointed out that if he didn’t feel it he shouldn’t say it, but if he did then maybe it would be nice to say so. I said I may try saying “I love you” again that night and see what happens and he replied that “maybe” he’d try too.
When we got home he got changed out of his uniform and had his snack. We then sat down to do his homework together. After that I said we had to do some reading (as we always do) and he replied “reading’s boring and so are you”. I said that was very rude and he had five minutes of “time in”. After the five minutes he apologised and read his book with me. In the middle of reading he tried his “I need a wee” trick (which he uses to gain control of the situation), but I said he’d have to wait until he was finished. When he finished I asked him if I could have a hug and he gave me a big hug and whispered in my ear “You’re not boring really”.
He played outside with the neighbour for a while and when she left with her mother to pick up her sister Robbie came back in and helped Glen in the garden while he waited for them to come back. By the time they did it was already dinner time and he was disappointed that he couldn't go out again. The neighbours are all around 10 years old and therefore have later bedtimes, which he finds frustrating.
After dinner he watched another bit of the football match we’d recorded for him for 15 minutes and then he had a bath. We read him his bedtime story (we’re reading Paddington at the moment – I’m quite enjoying it as I never read it as a child) and we took him to bed. I kissed him good night and said “I love you”. He replied “I love you too”. Glen also gave him a good night kiss and said “I love you” but Robbie didn’t reply to that. We let it lie and turned out the light. Glen thinks we shouldn’t push him to say it and I agree that if he doesn’t feel it he shouldn’t say it, but I genuinely believe he should not use those words as a control thing and say to one and not the other.
When I picked Robbie up in the afternoon he said he wanted to go to the park with some of his classmates, so we did. While he played football, I chatted with some of the other parents (yes, it’s not only mums although they are the overwhelming majority). Some of them mentioned we must swap phone numbers and meet over the summer holidays for playdates. I was really chuffed. Like every parent, we want our child to be popular and the fact that other kids like him and their parents are happy to have him around is great. We know from everything we’ve read and talking to other adoptive parents that sometimes adoptive children find it hard to adapt to school or difficult to interact with other children, so we consider ourselves really lucky with how well Robbie has integrated into his school and made friends.
I haven’t mentioned that for the last few nights I’d been trying something. Whenever we say goodnight to Robbie, we always whisper “I love you” to him. He makes a point of staring at us when we say it and not replying. He has said “I love you” back to us on several occasions, but not at bedtime. As I mentioned before, he uses the words “I love you” as a bit of a power / control weapon, and I don’t really like that. For the last few nights, I wished him goodnight but didn’t say “I love you” (Glen did). He noticed straight away, and said to me “Aren’t you going to say anything else?” I asked him what he wanted me to say and he said he didn’t know, so we left it at that every time. In the car on the way back I had a chat with Robbie about it. I explained that just like when you say hello to somebody you expect them to answer hello back and if they don’t after a few attempts you just stop saying hello to them, it was the same with saying “I love you”. I pointed out that if he didn’t feel it he shouldn’t say it, but if he did then maybe it would be nice to say so. I said I may try saying “I love you” again that night and see what happens and he replied that “maybe” he’d try too.
When we got home he got changed out of his uniform and had his snack. We then sat down to do his homework together. After that I said we had to do some reading (as we always do) and he replied “reading’s boring and so are you”. I said that was very rude and he had five minutes of “time in”. After the five minutes he apologised and read his book with me. In the middle of reading he tried his “I need a wee” trick (which he uses to gain control of the situation), but I said he’d have to wait until he was finished. When he finished I asked him if I could have a hug and he gave me a big hug and whispered in my ear “You’re not boring really”.
He played outside with the neighbour for a while and when she left with her mother to pick up her sister Robbie came back in and helped Glen in the garden while he waited for them to come back. By the time they did it was already dinner time and he was disappointed that he couldn't go out again. The neighbours are all around 10 years old and therefore have later bedtimes, which he finds frustrating.
After dinner he watched another bit of the football match we’d recorded for him for 15 minutes and then he had a bath. We read him his bedtime story (we’re reading Paddington at the moment – I’m quite enjoying it as I never read it as a child) and we took him to bed. I kissed him good night and said “I love you”. He replied “I love you too”. Glen also gave him a good night kiss and said “I love you” but Robbie didn’t reply to that. We let it lie and turned out the light. Glen thinks we shouldn’t push him to say it and I agree that if he doesn’t feel it he shouldn’t say it, but I genuinely believe he should not use those words as a control thing and say to one and not the other.
So tempting…
I saw this t-shirt yesterday in a well-known high street shop and was very tempted to buy it so Robbie can wear it for his forthcoming contact session with his siblings. I restrained myself though… : )
Thursday, 8 July 2010
A rant
Today I’m fed up. Fed up with being so tired in the morning that even though I set the alarm for 20 minutes before his goes off I end up not having enough time to take a shower before I need to rush out of the house to take Robbie to school. Fed up with the chaos around me, the untidy house, the washing up, and the squeaky door that I’ve been meaning to put some “3 in 1” on for weeks but haven’t got round to. Fed up with never being on time and getting to the end of the day not having managed to tick anything off my ever-expanding “to do” list. Fed up with not finding 20 minutes every day to keep up with my blog (which is over a week behind now), or doing Robbie’s picture book. Fed up with having silly arguments with Glen over nothing because we’re both exhausted, worrying about money and about when to go back to work. I’m fed up with waking up in the middle of the night wondering if I should have said this or that or handled a situation differently. Fed up with never knowing what the right answer or reaction is. Fed up with saying we’re not going to have busy weekends so we can do things like going on bike rides and then looking at the calendar to find we’re booked up for the rest of the month.
I was about to type “I want my life back!” but I actually don’t. I love Robbie. I love having him here. I love being a father. I love Glen. What I should write is “I want my SELF back!” The organised person who found time to do things like speaking to people, returning phonecalls, answering emails, reading books that weren’t related to adoption or bringing up children, doing creative things, exercising, shopping, sleeping. A few months ago I was a well-respected (I hope!), organised professional who managed to multi-task despite not being a woman and get things done well and on time. That person must still be inside of me somewhere, surely?
I know someone out there will be reading this and thinking “welcome to parenthood”. I need to snap out of this and either give in to the chaos or regain my ability to plan my day and stick to the plan. I’ll let you know how I get on.
Excuse the rant. Normal service will resume shortly… I think. At least I’m planning to. It’s on my “to do” list. : )
I was about to type “I want my life back!” but I actually don’t. I love Robbie. I love having him here. I love being a father. I love Glen. What I should write is “I want my SELF back!” The organised person who found time to do things like speaking to people, returning phonecalls, answering emails, reading books that weren’t related to adoption or bringing up children, doing creative things, exercising, shopping, sleeping. A few months ago I was a well-respected (I hope!), organised professional who managed to multi-task despite not being a woman and get things done well and on time. That person must still be inside of me somewhere, surely?
I know someone out there will be reading this and thinking “welcome to parenthood”. I need to snap out of this and either give in to the chaos or regain my ability to plan my day and stick to the plan. I’ll let you know how I get on.
Excuse the rant. Normal service will resume shortly… I think. At least I’m planning to. It’s on my “to do” list. : )
Monday, 5 July 2010
Day 73: Everyone’s tired
Last Monday Glen got Robbie up. When I came down and said good morning, Robbie blanked me. I was a little puzzled but pretended not to be bothered to avoid giving him the satisfaction of seeing me react. Later on, when I was getting him dressed, he said to me “You're glad England lost”. So that was it! I wondered what I might have done to deserve the blank treatment and it turns out it was about football! I asked him if he really thought I was glad or if he thought I might have been teasing him the day before. He said he thought I was serious, so I explained that I didn’t particularly want England to lose. I wanted Spain to win, the same as he wanted for England. He accepted this, but when I was standing by the door to say goodbye as Glen took him to school, he walked past me again without saying goodbye. When Glen pointed out to Robbie that he’d forgotten something he groaned and reluctantly offered his cheek for me to kiss it.
Miranda rang in the morning. We updated her on recent developments and she thinks that it would be good for Robbie to have support to accept and understand what he's been through, so we will look into contacting CAMHS. We want to discuss this with Alice, the attachment counsellor.
We had agreed Glen would be in charge of picking him up, but he was delayed picking up some new plant for the garden and I ended up going. Robbie played football in the park with his friends for half an hour and then we drove home. He was really sticky from playing in the heat, so Glen (who’d got back) showered him as soon as we arrived.
Glen sat down to do his homework with Robbie and when they were finished with the maths and the spellings he sent Robbie out to play with the neighbours. I asked Glen if Robbie had done his reading and he said he hadn’t. I wasn’t happy about it. I don’t like to send Robbie out to play when he hasn’t finished all his “duties” because once he’s out there playing it’s very hard to get him back in the house to do it. If there’s a lot of homework, I tend to gel Robbie to do something short (like a few bounces on the trampoline) and then come back to give him a rest instead. Anyway, Glen went out to buy some soil for his new plants and promised to be back by 6 to do the reading with Robbie and have dinner ready by 6.15.
By 6.10 Glen wasn’t back, so I had to call Robbie in (much to his annoyance) and do the reading with him. Glen arrived five minutes later and of course dinner wasn’t ready until 6.45. He’d decided to have it as a picnic in the garden without consulting me. By the time we had finished eating Robbie didn’t want to come back inside he’d rather stay in the garden. He growled when I sent him upstairs to brush his teeth. When I went upstairs he told me he was angry and I had to calm him down with hugs.
We read his bedtime story and finally put him to bed almost half an hour later than usual. Glen and I sat down for a chat. For the previous few days Glen and I had been really snappy with each other. We just didn’t seem to be communicating as well as usual and we’d both been getting annoyed by the things the other does. I was really annoyed he’d messed up our routine by arriving late and then setting dinner in the garden. I realise this sounds really mean, and Glen told me so too. But it wasn’t a question of doing a nice picnic in the garden. It was a question of changing the routine without warning me, and then not helping me to manage Robbie when he didn’t want to come back inside. He’d of course been annoyed by other things I’d done and thinks Robbie needs to know that not everything runs smoothly and sometimes routines are changed. Glen doesn’t see the point of structure and routine, and I had to refer him back to everything we’ve read about adopted children finding security in routine. I don’t mean to be inflexible, but if we change things I think we need to do it with warnings. And yes, sometime things will happen that will change the routine. We should try to remember Robbie’s been with us for 10 weeks and there’ll be time for learning to cope with the unexpected.
We are both very tired and Robbie demands every minute of our time every moment he’s awake. When Robbie’s at school we barely have time to get work done (in Glen’s case) or the housework and the million things on the “to do” list (in my case). People tell you it’s hard but it’s worth it because it’s so rewarding. Sometimes we don’t seem to be enjoying it or finding it rewarding because we don’t have time to enjoy it. This isn’t really true, we do have some great times together, but the shock to our routine and lifestyle has been harder than we ever imagined. It will come, we know (or hope!). I want to clarify we’re not considering anything drastic or in any way regretting our decision to adopt. We are fully committed to Robbie and we think we’re doing well most of the time. We just need to make an effort to enjoy our time together more and see things less as chores; rest more and try to adjust better.
Miranda rang in the morning. We updated her on recent developments and she thinks that it would be good for Robbie to have support to accept and understand what he's been through, so we will look into contacting CAMHS. We want to discuss this with Alice, the attachment counsellor.
We had agreed Glen would be in charge of picking him up, but he was delayed picking up some new plant for the garden and I ended up going. Robbie played football in the park with his friends for half an hour and then we drove home. He was really sticky from playing in the heat, so Glen (who’d got back) showered him as soon as we arrived.
Glen sat down to do his homework with Robbie and when they were finished with the maths and the spellings he sent Robbie out to play with the neighbours. I asked Glen if Robbie had done his reading and he said he hadn’t. I wasn’t happy about it. I don’t like to send Robbie out to play when he hasn’t finished all his “duties” because once he’s out there playing it’s very hard to get him back in the house to do it. If there’s a lot of homework, I tend to gel Robbie to do something short (like a few bounces on the trampoline) and then come back to give him a rest instead. Anyway, Glen went out to buy some soil for his new plants and promised to be back by 6 to do the reading with Robbie and have dinner ready by 6.15.
By 6.10 Glen wasn’t back, so I had to call Robbie in (much to his annoyance) and do the reading with him. Glen arrived five minutes later and of course dinner wasn’t ready until 6.45. He’d decided to have it as a picnic in the garden without consulting me. By the time we had finished eating Robbie didn’t want to come back inside he’d rather stay in the garden. He growled when I sent him upstairs to brush his teeth. When I went upstairs he told me he was angry and I had to calm him down with hugs.
We read his bedtime story and finally put him to bed almost half an hour later than usual. Glen and I sat down for a chat. For the previous few days Glen and I had been really snappy with each other. We just didn’t seem to be communicating as well as usual and we’d both been getting annoyed by the things the other does. I was really annoyed he’d messed up our routine by arriving late and then setting dinner in the garden. I realise this sounds really mean, and Glen told me so too. But it wasn’t a question of doing a nice picnic in the garden. It was a question of changing the routine without warning me, and then not helping me to manage Robbie when he didn’t want to come back inside. He’d of course been annoyed by other things I’d done and thinks Robbie needs to know that not everything runs smoothly and sometimes routines are changed. Glen doesn’t see the point of structure and routine, and I had to refer him back to everything we’ve read about adopted children finding security in routine. I don’t mean to be inflexible, but if we change things I think we need to do it with warnings. And yes, sometime things will happen that will change the routine. We should try to remember Robbie’s been with us for 10 weeks and there’ll be time for learning to cope with the unexpected.
We are both very tired and Robbie demands every minute of our time every moment he’s awake. When Robbie’s at school we barely have time to get work done (in Glen’s case) or the housework and the million things on the “to do” list (in my case). People tell you it’s hard but it’s worth it because it’s so rewarding. Sometimes we don’t seem to be enjoying it or finding it rewarding because we don’t have time to enjoy it. This isn’t really true, we do have some great times together, but the shock to our routine and lifestyle has been harder than we ever imagined. It will come, we know (or hope!). I want to clarify we’re not considering anything drastic or in any way regretting our decision to adopt. We are fully committed to Robbie and we think we’re doing well most of the time. We just need to make an effort to enjoy our time together more and see things less as chores; rest more and try to adjust better.
Friday, 2 July 2010
Day 72: A sunny day
On Sunday Robbie got up at 9.30 when his alarm went off. Despite sleeping for 12 hours, he was still tired and a little whiny. It was a really hot sunny day, so we decided to go to the local outdoor pool. We had breakfast (Robbie barely ate, hardly surprising after everything he ate the previous night) and did some reading, and then went over to our friends’ Adam and Carla’s to pick up Henry, Adam’s 8-year-old son on our way to the pool.
Once we got to the pool (£20 for two adults and 2 kids to get in! We were shocked!) we all got in and had a great time chucking a ball about, splashing around and doing swimming competitions. We didn’t really know if Robbie could swim that well as the only other time we’d been in the water was when we went to the sea. He had his armbands on and seemed to be quite afraid of going outside the area where he could touch the bottom of the pool. We held him and encouraged him to kick hard, move his arms, and go further and further and, although he didn’t quite get there (Rome wasn’t built in a day and all that), he was a lot more confident in the water by the time we left. Henry was really good with him too, encouraging him to go further without being pushy.
After a couple of hours we went home, got changed, had a snack (except Robbie who only wanted a drink) and drove over to Adam and Carla’s. Adam had set up a projector and the images from the TV were being beamed across their living room wall. Perfect for the England match. Henry and Robbie went up to Henry’s room, where they played computer games until the game started. Glen and I took Carla out to get pizzas while Adam, Henry, Spence, and Robbie watched the game. At half-time we had a picnic in the garden. Robbie, who normally eats two slices of pizza when we have it at home, saw that Henry had eaten four and picked up a third. I asked him if he was sure that he was hungry enough to eat it and he said yes. After that he reached for a fourth one, and I said that he needed to remember that Henry’s eight, not six like him, and he eats a lot more. I let him have half the slice and gave Henry (who still wanted more) the other half. Glen told me off in front of everyone for embarrassing Robbie, and I wasn’t impressed that he was concerned about Robbie being embarrassed but happy to embarrass me by telling me off in front of our friends and the kids. He did have a point though, and of course I’d forgotten that Robbie had barely eaten anything all day.
Adam and the kids went back inside to finish watching the game and the rest of us stayed outside enjoying the sunshine. I popped in every now and then to check the score and take the Mickey out of them because England was losing. When the game finished, the boys emerged with their heads low, disappointed by England’s exit from the world cup. I quickly reminded them that Spain was still in the game, which didn’t endear me to them… : )
Henry and Robbie went upstairs to play computer games. I thought it was a shame to be inside on such a sunny day, but that’s what they wanted to do, and they’re not allowed to play in the garden at Adam and Carla’s anyway (they’re of the same persuasion as Glen when it comes to gardens).
When we got home we did some chores. Robbie helped Glen with some gardening while I painted a new shelf for his room (so much stuff!). To help burn off some energy Robbie and I took our bikes for a short ride to the letterbox to post a couple of cards, and then Robbie had a shower, a story, and went to bed.
Once we got to the pool (£20 for two adults and 2 kids to get in! We were shocked!) we all got in and had a great time chucking a ball about, splashing around and doing swimming competitions. We didn’t really know if Robbie could swim that well as the only other time we’d been in the water was when we went to the sea. He had his armbands on and seemed to be quite afraid of going outside the area where he could touch the bottom of the pool. We held him and encouraged him to kick hard, move his arms, and go further and further and, although he didn’t quite get there (Rome wasn’t built in a day and all that), he was a lot more confident in the water by the time we left. Henry was really good with him too, encouraging him to go further without being pushy.
After a couple of hours we went home, got changed, had a snack (except Robbie who only wanted a drink) and drove over to Adam and Carla’s. Adam had set up a projector and the images from the TV were being beamed across their living room wall. Perfect for the England match. Henry and Robbie went up to Henry’s room, where they played computer games until the game started. Glen and I took Carla out to get pizzas while Adam, Henry, Spence, and Robbie watched the game. At half-time we had a picnic in the garden. Robbie, who normally eats two slices of pizza when we have it at home, saw that Henry had eaten four and picked up a third. I asked him if he was sure that he was hungry enough to eat it and he said yes. After that he reached for a fourth one, and I said that he needed to remember that Henry’s eight, not six like him, and he eats a lot more. I let him have half the slice and gave Henry (who still wanted more) the other half. Glen told me off in front of everyone for embarrassing Robbie, and I wasn’t impressed that he was concerned about Robbie being embarrassed but happy to embarrass me by telling me off in front of our friends and the kids. He did have a point though, and of course I’d forgotten that Robbie had barely eaten anything all day.
Adam and the kids went back inside to finish watching the game and the rest of us stayed outside enjoying the sunshine. I popped in every now and then to check the score and take the Mickey out of them because England was losing. When the game finished, the boys emerged with their heads low, disappointed by England’s exit from the world cup. I quickly reminded them that Spain was still in the game, which didn’t endear me to them… : )
Henry and Robbie went upstairs to play computer games. I thought it was a shame to be inside on such a sunny day, but that’s what they wanted to do, and they’re not allowed to play in the garden at Adam and Carla’s anyway (they’re of the same persuasion as Glen when it comes to gardens).
When we got home we did some chores. Robbie helped Glen with some gardening while I painted a new shelf for his room (so much stuff!). To help burn off some energy Robbie and I took our bikes for a short ride to the letterbox to post a couple of cards, and then Robbie had a shower, a story, and went to bed.
Thursday, 1 July 2010
Day 71: Party boy
I woke up early on Saturday and was sorting some of Robbie’s pictures on the computer when he suddenly sneaked up behind me. He asked what I was doing, as he could see pictures of himself. I showed him a selection of the pictures, which gave us an excellent opportunity to look back on all the things we’ve done, places we’ve been and people we’ve met in the last 10 weeks. It actually worked really well, because if I had asked him to sit with me he might have been suspicious that a “feelings” session was coming up. As it was, we managed a really good way for him to reactivate really positive memories of his time with us. I am working on a photo book with all of them, but never seem to find the time to get it done…
After breakfast Robbie played outside with the neighbourhood kids for the whole morning while we tried to clear some space in the garage, which has become rather unmanageable with things lately. We had a quick lunch and he played outside some more. Robbie had been invited to two different birthday parties later that day, so we said he needed to have a bath while we finished in the garage. Normally he’d have been fine with that as he loves his bath time, but because we were leaving him to it for a few minutes, he moaned that he had to be in the bath by himself. I thought that was unfair, so I asked him if his foster carers normally played with him at squirting or with his bath toys (like we normally do) when he lived with them. He said they didn’t, so I explained that just because this time we couldn’t it wasn’t on to complain about it. He accepted that, but when Glen came up five minutes later to check on him, Robbie said he was bored because nobody was there to play with him…
He’d been putting off writing the birthday cards for the two children whose parties he was attending and once he’d got out of the bath and got ready I reminded him that he needed to do that. He made an attempt to moan about it, but I cut him short by saying that if you’re going to a birthday party you need to take a card. The choice was his: write the cards or stay at home. Five minutes later we had two cards written without complaint.
His first birthday party of the afternoon was at Laser Quest. It was James’s party, our friend Caroline’s son. We were a little worried about how well he’d mix with the other kids as he’s only briefly played with James and his brother Matt once, and they didn’t get on that well. Add to that another 14 children whom he didn’t know… however he joined in, had a whale of a time, and came out all sweaty and sticky and really proud of being in the winning team.
And on we went to the second party. This one was in the evening and was for one of the girls in his class. As far as we could work out they’d invited half the school! They had hired an activity place all to themselves (which is why it was on so late) and we were happy to leave him to it for an hour while we did some shopping as he was with all the kids he knows from school.
When we got back we chatted to some of the parents. Some of them normally see either Glen or me at the school gate and we spotted a couple of looks as they saw us together and it dawned on them that we’re both Robbie’s dads. Not nasty looks, more of a look of a lightbulb suddenly lighting up as they put two and two together. I asked Glen if he’d seen Robbie since we got back and he said he hadn’t. The place was about to close and nobody had seen him. Not the other parents we asked, nor their children. We went into the play area to look for him, each of us starting at a different end until we met in the middle. No Robbie. I kept telling myself “don’t panic” and we both managed to stay calm as we looked all over the place. A couple of the other parents helped out as well. After about five minutes we both spotted him at the same time. He was playing innocently in a corner, unaware of the search party looking for him of course!
When we got back home we put on the football we’d recorded a few days before to help him calm down. After a laser battle, two hours in an activity place, two dinners, goodness knows how many sweets and drinks there was no way he was going to go straight to bed. After half an hour we turned off the TV and lay on our bed to read him his bedtime story. As he moved across the bed, he rolled on to one side and ended up falling off it onto the carpet. His head emerged from the side really quickly, as he pretended nothing had happened. He’d clearly not hurt himself and it was really funny to see the whole thing playing out like a slapstick comedy sketch, so both Glen and I laughed. Robbie had a bit of a sense of humour failure and got cross, but we explained we weren’t laughing at him but at the funny thing that had happened and he soon was laughing too.
At 9.30 (two hours later than usual) we finally put him to bed after a long day. We set his alarm for 9.30 in the morning hoping he’d sleep his usual 12 hours, though he announced he had no intention of sleeping any later than 7…
After breakfast Robbie played outside with the neighbourhood kids for the whole morning while we tried to clear some space in the garage, which has become rather unmanageable with things lately. We had a quick lunch and he played outside some more. Robbie had been invited to two different birthday parties later that day, so we said he needed to have a bath while we finished in the garage. Normally he’d have been fine with that as he loves his bath time, but because we were leaving him to it for a few minutes, he moaned that he had to be in the bath by himself. I thought that was unfair, so I asked him if his foster carers normally played with him at squirting or with his bath toys (like we normally do) when he lived with them. He said they didn’t, so I explained that just because this time we couldn’t it wasn’t on to complain about it. He accepted that, but when Glen came up five minutes later to check on him, Robbie said he was bored because nobody was there to play with him…
He’d been putting off writing the birthday cards for the two children whose parties he was attending and once he’d got out of the bath and got ready I reminded him that he needed to do that. He made an attempt to moan about it, but I cut him short by saying that if you’re going to a birthday party you need to take a card. The choice was his: write the cards or stay at home. Five minutes later we had two cards written without complaint.
His first birthday party of the afternoon was at Laser Quest. It was James’s party, our friend Caroline’s son. We were a little worried about how well he’d mix with the other kids as he’s only briefly played with James and his brother Matt once, and they didn’t get on that well. Add to that another 14 children whom he didn’t know… however he joined in, had a whale of a time, and came out all sweaty and sticky and really proud of being in the winning team.
And on we went to the second party. This one was in the evening and was for one of the girls in his class. As far as we could work out they’d invited half the school! They had hired an activity place all to themselves (which is why it was on so late) and we were happy to leave him to it for an hour while we did some shopping as he was with all the kids he knows from school.
When we got back we chatted to some of the parents. Some of them normally see either Glen or me at the school gate and we spotted a couple of looks as they saw us together and it dawned on them that we’re both Robbie’s dads. Not nasty looks, more of a look of a lightbulb suddenly lighting up as they put two and two together. I asked Glen if he’d seen Robbie since we got back and he said he hadn’t. The place was about to close and nobody had seen him. Not the other parents we asked, nor their children. We went into the play area to look for him, each of us starting at a different end until we met in the middle. No Robbie. I kept telling myself “don’t panic” and we both managed to stay calm as we looked all over the place. A couple of the other parents helped out as well. After about five minutes we both spotted him at the same time. He was playing innocently in a corner, unaware of the search party looking for him of course!
When we got back home we put on the football we’d recorded a few days before to help him calm down. After a laser battle, two hours in an activity place, two dinners, goodness knows how many sweets and drinks there was no way he was going to go straight to bed. After half an hour we turned off the TV and lay on our bed to read him his bedtime story. As he moved across the bed, he rolled on to one side and ended up falling off it onto the carpet. His head emerged from the side really quickly, as he pretended nothing had happened. He’d clearly not hurt himself and it was really funny to see the whole thing playing out like a slapstick comedy sketch, so both Glen and I laughed. Robbie had a bit of a sense of humour failure and got cross, but we explained we weren’t laughing at him but at the funny thing that had happened and he soon was laughing too.
At 9.30 (two hours later than usual) we finally put him to bed after a long day. We set his alarm for 9.30 in the morning hoping he’d sleep his usual 12 hours, though he announced he had no intention of sleeping any later than 7…
Wednesday, 30 June 2010
Day 70: A boy full of guilt
After four days away, it was Glen’s turn to do his morning routine, so he did and also took him to school without any problems. Mid-morning I suddenly found the homework that Robbie was supposed to have taken to school lying on the dining room table! It was too late to take it in, so I brought it along with me when I went to pick him up.
As it was Friday he had to get home and ready for his football training, but Robbie wanted to stay in the park as he had done in the previous few afternoons. I said if he wanted to stay that was fine, but then he wouldn’t be able to make it to his football training so he had a choice. He wanted to do both and was really cross that he couldn’t. Eventually he decided to go to the football training, but he was grumpy all the way home.
When we got in he had his snack and then we sat down to do his reading. He pretended that he couldn’t remember how to read words that he’s been able to read for quite a while now, and it was very frustrating as he hadn’t pulled the “can’t remember how to read” trick for quite a while. He ended up shouting at me, so I asked him to sit on the sofa for five minutes to think about what he’d done.
After 5 minutes I sat down with him so we could talk. I asked him why he was behaving like that today and he replied he did it because he’s naughty. I said I didn’t think he was naughty, but he said he really was. He had a look in his eyes that he gets when he talks about his birth family, so I said: “I wonder if you think you couldn't stay with your mum and dad because you're a naughty boy.” He nodded. I explained it wasn’t him who did wrong, but he insisted that he really was naughty. Then he went on to tell us how his birth parents encouraged him and his siblings to be violent to one another. He now understands that being violent is wrong, so he considers himself naughty for having been violent to them. We tried to make him understand that what he did was follow the instructions of his birth parents and he was not to blame for what he did, but as far as he’s concerned he did wrong and therefore he’s a naughty boy. We expect we will have to work on these guilt feelings for some time and hope that one day he understands he’s not the one who should feel guilty.
To distract him I turned into the kissy monster, who grabs you and won’t stop giving you kisses unless you get away! There’s always a secret code that forces the kissy monster to release you, and this time the secret code was “I'm not naughty". I kept trapping him and he kept having to say it. The “problem” was that sometimes I really couldn’t hear him, so he really had to shout to the top of his voice: "I'm not naughty!" Even if it doesn’t sink in and he doesn’t mean it, at least he’s saying it out loud.
With all this to do the best thing to do was to release some energy, so I sent him to the trampoline to do some bouncing for a few minutes. After that, we finished reading his school book. One of the stories in it featured a farmer called Old McDonald, and at the end of the book they had printed the words and music so we ended up singing “Old McDonald” together. This was the first time Robbie’s ever sang with one of us!
We got him ready for his football training and took him there. He had a good training (the last of the season until the end of the summer). When he got back he was visibly relaxed. We don't know if the conversation we’d had had allowed him to let go of some of the stuff that he was keeping inside or if it was all the running around in his training that did it, but he was clearly different from the tense boy we'd been dealing with over the last few days. A quick dinner and a shower and he was soon in bed.
After our meeting the week before, I had felt quite sorry for his birth mother and the fact that she’d lost her children. However, after seeing the lasting effect that the birth parents’ actions still have, I must admit I felt quite angry with them and with myself for having felt sorry for them. There were very good reasons why they were removed, and they’ll probably never understand just how good those reasons were.
As it was Friday he had to get home and ready for his football training, but Robbie wanted to stay in the park as he had done in the previous few afternoons. I said if he wanted to stay that was fine, but then he wouldn’t be able to make it to his football training so he had a choice. He wanted to do both and was really cross that he couldn’t. Eventually he decided to go to the football training, but he was grumpy all the way home.
When we got in he had his snack and then we sat down to do his reading. He pretended that he couldn’t remember how to read words that he’s been able to read for quite a while now, and it was very frustrating as he hadn’t pulled the “can’t remember how to read” trick for quite a while. He ended up shouting at me, so I asked him to sit on the sofa for five minutes to think about what he’d done.
After 5 minutes I sat down with him so we could talk. I asked him why he was behaving like that today and he replied he did it because he’s naughty. I said I didn’t think he was naughty, but he said he really was. He had a look in his eyes that he gets when he talks about his birth family, so I said: “I wonder if you think you couldn't stay with your mum and dad because you're a naughty boy.” He nodded. I explained it wasn’t him who did wrong, but he insisted that he really was naughty. Then he went on to tell us how his birth parents encouraged him and his siblings to be violent to one another. He now understands that being violent is wrong, so he considers himself naughty for having been violent to them. We tried to make him understand that what he did was follow the instructions of his birth parents and he was not to blame for what he did, but as far as he’s concerned he did wrong and therefore he’s a naughty boy. We expect we will have to work on these guilt feelings for some time and hope that one day he understands he’s not the one who should feel guilty.
To distract him I turned into the kissy monster, who grabs you and won’t stop giving you kisses unless you get away! There’s always a secret code that forces the kissy monster to release you, and this time the secret code was “I'm not naughty". I kept trapping him and he kept having to say it. The “problem” was that sometimes I really couldn’t hear him, so he really had to shout to the top of his voice: "I'm not naughty!" Even if it doesn’t sink in and he doesn’t mean it, at least he’s saying it out loud.
With all this to do the best thing to do was to release some energy, so I sent him to the trampoline to do some bouncing for a few minutes. After that, we finished reading his school book. One of the stories in it featured a farmer called Old McDonald, and at the end of the book they had printed the words and music so we ended up singing “Old McDonald” together. This was the first time Robbie’s ever sang with one of us!
We got him ready for his football training and took him there. He had a good training (the last of the season until the end of the summer). When he got back he was visibly relaxed. We don't know if the conversation we’d had had allowed him to let go of some of the stuff that he was keeping inside or if it was all the running around in his training that did it, but he was clearly different from the tense boy we'd been dealing with over the last few days. A quick dinner and a shower and he was soon in bed.
After our meeting the week before, I had felt quite sorry for his birth mother and the fact that she’d lost her children. However, after seeing the lasting effect that the birth parents’ actions still have, I must admit I felt quite angry with them and with myself for having felt sorry for them. There were very good reasons why they were removed, and they’ll probably never understand just how good those reasons were.
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