It’s five weeks until we go to matching panel and I really wish it was tomorrow. Now that we know much more about boy H and we’ve met his foster carer, we just can’t wait. We’re finding it very hard to concentrate at work, and I’m also struggling with the fact that I haven’t told most of my colleagues. Today we had a meeting in the office to plan our activities for the latter part of this year and I really felt bad talking about my contribution when if all goes to plan I will actually be on adoption leave.
We’ve been so careful so far never to buy anything for when a child lives with us, as we didn’t want to get carried away or take things for granted, but today we actually spent several hundred pounds on furniture to go into Boy H’s room. I know we really should have waited until panel, but unfortunately there is normally a few weeks’ wait for furniture delivery, and if things go to plan we won’t have many weeks from panel to needing to take a picture of the bedroom for the introduction book, so we thought “what the hell” and just went ahead and ordered it all. It really is madness to buy furniture so that you can take a picture of it, and of course if things don’t go to plan we’ll have this furnished room that will feel quite eerie and only remind us of what might have been, but we’re thinking positively and going with the thought that panel will say yes. We can’t do everything in the last minute! That’s our excuse anyway. : )
Wednesday, 3 February 2010
Friday, 29 January 2010
Full steam ahead!
The last time we had to wait for news from Boy H’s local authority they got in touch first thing in the morning to say yes. Because of this, we were expecting to get an early response from them (via Miranda). By 2 pm we still hadn’t heard anything, so we were feeling really down and almost convinced ourselves that they’d decided not to go ahead with us after all. We rang Miranda at 2.15 and she said she’d been waiting for their call and heard nothing, but given the time of day she was happy to contact them. She called back 5 minutes later to say that the foster carer and the social workers had had a really positive impression of this second visit and all is going ahead. We were so relieved that we had a little cry after we put the phone down.
Miranda has told us to start preparing photographs for an introduction book and that will include a picture of his room, so we need to get some furniture. The next steps are for Boy H’s social worker to write a placement plan and an adoption support plan, which Miranda will then complete and we will be asked to comment on. After that there will be a planning meeting mid-February, when all the social workers, the foster carers and we will get together and plan the introductions. If all goes to plan we would go to panel in early March and hopefully begin introductions after Easter!
We are over the moon. I can’t find words to describe the feeling (always a little tempered by the fact that we still have the last hurdle of panel looming). All the months of decisions, preparation, approval, and waiting seem completely worth it to get to where we are. We are ecstatic, and we can’t wait for all these things to happen so we can meet him soon. We’ve had phone calls and texts from lots of friends and family all afternoon and are quite overwhelmed by their support and how happy everyone is for us.
Miranda has told us to start preparing photographs for an introduction book and that will include a picture of his room, so we need to get some furniture. The next steps are for Boy H’s social worker to write a placement plan and an adoption support plan, which Miranda will then complete and we will be asked to comment on. After that there will be a planning meeting mid-February, when all the social workers, the foster carers and we will get together and plan the introductions. If all goes to plan we would go to panel in early March and hopefully begin introductions after Easter!
We are over the moon. I can’t find words to describe the feeling (always a little tempered by the fact that we still have the last hurdle of panel looming). All the months of decisions, preparation, approval, and waiting seem completely worth it to get to where we are. We are ecstatic, and we can’t wait for all these things to happen so we can meet him soon. We’ve had phone calls and texts from lots of friends and family all afternoon and are quite overwhelmed by their support and how happy everyone is for us.
Thursday, 28 January 2010
Foster carer visit
The day started horribly. A man from our electricity company came to change our meter and set off the house alarm at 8.10 am. No matter what we did, it just kept going off for about half an hour. I had to go to apologise to our neighbours later! Then a piece from the curtain pulling system fell off in the kitchen, and half an hour later one of the kitchen cupboard doors came unhinged. Glen was fed up with just about everything by about 11 am, and I was getting more and more nervous as the morning went by. Eventually we calmed down, re-read our questions for the foster carer, and got ready.
Miranda was supposed to come half an hour before the other social workers and the foster carer, but she was delayed and ended up arriving 15 minutes after they did. We were only expecting Boy H’s social worker and his foster carer, but his family finder also turned up. I’m not sure what I expected the foster carer to be like, but she was very warm, very friendly, and very funny! She had us laughing within 5 minutes of walking through the door. We talked about Boy H, and she answered all our questions. She also gave us some pictures that she took this morning. The social workers frowned at this, and said that we’d need to return them if the match doesn’t go ahead. Everything she said about Boy H and how far he’s come since he went into foster care was really encouraging. She gave us really good advice about what to expect and how to deal with his behaviour. We were on our own with her for a few minutes when we showed her around the house and she took the opportunity to give us her phone number in case we come up with any questions. She also told us that she thinks we will make good parents for him. We were really moved and came downstairs to rejoin the social workers really encouraged.
They left shortly after that and will get in touch with Miranda shortly (hopefully by tomorrow) to let us know if they want to go further with us. Before they left, I asked about the fact that H had appeared in the childspotting publication again, and they replied that any enquiries they get will be shelved and enquirers will be told that the child is being matched.
Once they had gone, Miranda told us that she thought the visit had gone well and gave us the provisional dates for the planning meeting, panel, and introductions that they’ve pencilled in. We are really pleased and really beginning to believe this may be it, but we’ll wait until tomorrow before we get too carried away.
Miranda was supposed to come half an hour before the other social workers and the foster carer, but she was delayed and ended up arriving 15 minutes after they did. We were only expecting Boy H’s social worker and his foster carer, but his family finder also turned up. I’m not sure what I expected the foster carer to be like, but she was very warm, very friendly, and very funny! She had us laughing within 5 minutes of walking through the door. We talked about Boy H, and she answered all our questions. She also gave us some pictures that she took this morning. The social workers frowned at this, and said that we’d need to return them if the match doesn’t go ahead. Everything she said about Boy H and how far he’s come since he went into foster care was really encouraging. She gave us really good advice about what to expect and how to deal with his behaviour. We were on our own with her for a few minutes when we showed her around the house and she took the opportunity to give us her phone number in case we come up with any questions. She also told us that she thinks we will make good parents for him. We were really moved and came downstairs to rejoin the social workers really encouraged.
They left shortly after that and will get in touch with Miranda shortly (hopefully by tomorrow) to let us know if they want to go further with us. Before they left, I asked about the fact that H had appeared in the childspotting publication again, and they replied that any enquiries they get will be shelved and enquirers will be told that the child is being matched.
Once they had gone, Miranda told us that she thought the visit had gone well and gave us the provisional dates for the planning meeting, panel, and introductions that they’ve pencilled in. We are really pleased and really beginning to believe this may be it, but we’ll wait until tomorrow before we get too carried away.
Wednesday, 27 January 2010
Visit preparation
We’ve been preparing questions for Boy H’s social worker and foster carer visit tomorrow. Originally we had a list of questions that ran for pages and pages, adapted from questions people have posted on Adoption UK and from questions that other prospective adopters have shared with us. In the end we’ve decided to leave most of those questions for introductions (should we get to that stage), when there should be plenty of time to chat and find some of the answers for ourselves.
So these are the questions we’re planning to ask tomorrow.
- What’s his weekday routine?
- What’s his weekend rountine?
- What does he like to do? Play games? Watch TV? Read books? Cooking? Crafts?
- Sleeping habits: wake up time? Naps? Bedtime?
- Food: allergies, favourite food, disliked foods, portions, times
- Likes and dislikes: e.g. music and noise, animals, clothing, outdoors vs. indoors play
- Favourite toys
- Speech and understanding
- Relationships with other children (other children in placement/school)
- School
- Any photos/mementos/memory box or book FC might have made so far
- Has he been taken on any special trips by birth family or foster carers?
- Any particular triggers of memories of siblings, parents, “old life”?
- General health eg. colds, digestion. Any operations? Any hereditary conditions in the birth parents?
- What has he been told about us? Has someone talked about the possibility of having two dads? Has he had books such as “And Tango Makes Three”?
I expect we’ll come up with new ones as we go along and we’ll skip some others. We’re mostly looking forward to hearing lots about him directly from the foster carer, who’s known him for quite a while now, although of course we realise we’re going to be asked questions as well and we need to make sure they will still want to proceed with us! Only a few hours to go...
So these are the questions we’re planning to ask tomorrow.
- What’s his weekday routine?
- What’s his weekend rountine?
- What does he like to do? Play games? Watch TV? Read books? Cooking? Crafts?
- Sleeping habits: wake up time? Naps? Bedtime?
- Food: allergies, favourite food, disliked foods, portions, times
- Likes and dislikes: e.g. music and noise, animals, clothing, outdoors vs. indoors play
- Favourite toys
- Speech and understanding
- Relationships with other children (other children in placement/school)
- School
- Any photos/mementos/memory box or book FC might have made so far
- Has he been taken on any special trips by birth family or foster carers?
- Any particular triggers of memories of siblings, parents, “old life”?
- General health eg. colds, digestion. Any operations? Any hereditary conditions in the birth parents?
- What has he been told about us? Has someone talked about the possibility of having two dads? Has he had books such as “And Tango Makes Three”?
I expect we’ll come up with new ones as we go along and we’ll skip some others. We’re mostly looking forward to hearing lots about him directly from the foster carer, who’s known him for quite a while now, although of course we realise we’re going to be asked questions as well and we need to make sure they will still want to proceed with us! Only a few hours to go...
Tuesday, 26 January 2010
Keep your hands off!
When they came to see us, Boy H’s social worker and family finder warned us that he would appear in one of the well-known childspotting services again. They’d already arranged for this to happen before they came to see us and they also want to get more expressions of interest in him should our potential match not go ahead as planned. For the last couple of months he’s not been on the magazine or website where we originally found him, but yesterday I did an online search and he’s appeared again. I mentioned it to Glen and our hearts shrank a little. We knew this would happen, but despite all our best intentions not to get carried away in our hopes that one day Boy H will be our son, it still was really hard to see him “advertised”. I hadn’t realised just how attached we’ve got to him already. I just really wanted the website to crash, or the magazine to have some sort of printing error when it comes out in the next few days. I don’t want anyone else to see him and enquire about him. What if a “perfect couple” express an interest? Would his social workers consider them and make us wait until they’ve made a decision? Maybe drop us for someone else? It’s not a nice feeling. We now feel that we must make double sure that everything goes as smoothly and as fast as possible to avoid the chance of someone else taking him away. We can’t wait until Thursday, when his social worker and his foster carer will visit. Fingers crossed...
Monday, 25 January 2010
Back from a short break
We decided to book ourselves on a last-minute city break and spent the last 5 days freezing our pants off in Denmark. Glen likes Scandinavian countries and we’d never been, so we figured this was a good time to go (good as in before we have a child placed with us - hopefully – not that we think January is a particularly good time to go to a cold country).
We managed to switch off from work, jobs around the house that still need doing, paperwork... it was great. We had a chance to be just us, by ourselves, and also to talk. We both feel that we really want to proceed and really hope the match with Boy H goes ahead. We’re as sure as one can be that you want to take on a child that you’ve never met!
It was quite weird not to know if that was our last holiday without kids for years to come, though... mind you, if we have a child placed we'll never be able to afford short city breaks ever again, so it doesn't really matter, I guess.
We managed to switch off from work, jobs around the house that still need doing, paperwork... it was great. We had a chance to be just us, by ourselves, and also to talk. We both feel that we really want to proceed and really hope the match with Boy H goes ahead. We’re as sure as one can be that you want to take on a child that you’ve never met!
It was quite weird not to know if that was our last holiday without kids for years to come, though... mind you, if we have a child placed we'll never be able to afford short city breaks ever again, so it doesn't really matter, I guess.
Tuesday, 19 January 2010
Age
I realise that I haven’t actually said much about Boy H. Of course, this is a public blog and I will never reveal his real name, where he’s from, or show his picture (in the same way that I’ve never revealed where we live, what local authority is dealing with our process, or the real name of our social worker), but I suppose I can reveal that he’s 6 years old.
When we first started this process, I was keener on a younger child and Glen one an older child. My reasons were mostly the impression that a younger child would be more malleable and less likely to have been affected by whatever trauma had forced them to go into care, and the fact that I want them to learn Spanish (and with a child, the earlier the better). Glen on the other hand was less attracted to the idea of a younger child and thought an older child would be more understanding of his/her own circumstances and easier to communicate and do attachment work with.
Our preparation groups and the books we’ve read on attachment soon dispelled the myth that a younger child is less traumatised by their loss of the birth family. Speaking to our social worker and looking at the childspotting publications, it soon became obvious that first of all there aren’t that many children under two who are up for adoption (given the time it takes for a child to be reported to social services and then processed by the system, it makes sense). Those who are in care and are healthy are snapped up by the prospective adopters in their local authority. Considering that gay couples tend not to be exactly at the top of the wish list for family finders, our chances of a younger child were even smaller. The other thing we noticed in the childspotting magazines is that the younger children that tend to appear have more severe mental or physical conditions, or have had more traumatic experiences than many of the older children that are featured. Older children also are aware of why they had to be adopted. Many of them remember the abuse or neglect they suffered, or the circumstances that led to being taken into care. Whilst some may think that this is hardly positive, it does mean that it’s easier for them to understand why they cannot live with their birth parents. They can also understand that they are safer in their new environment.
As for learning Spanish... well, I did have to compromise on that one. I hope that meeting his Spanish cousins, aunt, uncle and grandparents will encourage a child we’re eventually matched with to want to learn the language. I will certainly promote it and hope that he will.
When we first started this process, I was keener on a younger child and Glen one an older child. My reasons were mostly the impression that a younger child would be more malleable and less likely to have been affected by whatever trauma had forced them to go into care, and the fact that I want them to learn Spanish (and with a child, the earlier the better). Glen on the other hand was less attracted to the idea of a younger child and thought an older child would be more understanding of his/her own circumstances and easier to communicate and do attachment work with.
Our preparation groups and the books we’ve read on attachment soon dispelled the myth that a younger child is less traumatised by their loss of the birth family. Speaking to our social worker and looking at the childspotting publications, it soon became obvious that first of all there aren’t that many children under two who are up for adoption (given the time it takes for a child to be reported to social services and then processed by the system, it makes sense). Those who are in care and are healthy are snapped up by the prospective adopters in their local authority. Considering that gay couples tend not to be exactly at the top of the wish list for family finders, our chances of a younger child were even smaller. The other thing we noticed in the childspotting magazines is that the younger children that tend to appear have more severe mental or physical conditions, or have had more traumatic experiences than many of the older children that are featured. Older children also are aware of why they had to be adopted. Many of them remember the abuse or neglect they suffered, or the circumstances that led to being taken into care. Whilst some may think that this is hardly positive, it does mean that it’s easier for them to understand why they cannot live with their birth parents. They can also understand that they are safer in their new environment.
As for learning Spanish... well, I did have to compromise on that one. I hope that meeting his Spanish cousins, aunt, uncle and grandparents will encourage a child we’re eventually matched with to want to learn the language. I will certainly promote it and hope that he will.
Friday, 15 January 2010
OMG!
Yesterday we kept going from “Let’s keep calm” to “We’re going to be daddies!” and back. Today we’re more “Oh My God! Are these people insane? They are going to trust US with that boy? What if we’re terrible?” I guess it’s the nerves of accepting that what was always a hope and a dream may actually turn into reality. We do actually believe that we are as prepared as one can be in these situations and we do firmly believe that we can provide a good home for Boy H, help him recover from the past trauma in his life, and create a family.
We’re being quite good as well at not going to the shops and buying every piece of furniture his room will need or going into every local school to request a place for him. Miranda told us there’ll be time for that if it gets to that stage. We have done some research online for schools, and I suppose we could have a look at beds etc. just to get an idea of models and prices...
We’re being quite good as well at not going to the shops and buying every piece of furniture his room will need or going into every local school to request a place for him. Miranda told us there’ll be time for that if it gets to that stage. We have done some research online for schools, and I suppose we could have a look at beds etc. just to get an idea of models and prices...
Thursday, 14 January 2010
Yes!
Miranda rang this morning to let us know that Boy H’s social worker and family finder have been in touch and yes, they want to go ahead with us. Apparently they were very pleased that we’d also said yes. They’ve arranged another visit in a couple of weeks’ time. This time it will be just the social worker (not the family finder) and she will come with the foster carer, who will be able to give us lots of first-hand information about H and answer our questions (we have so many!).
We are so happy. We tried to keep our feet on the ground this morning but we’re just so excited and pleased. We realise this could still go wrong, the foster carer may not like us, or the matching panel may go against us, but right now it feels right and we’re allowing ourselves to believe that we may be daddies soon. And it’s a great feeling.
: )
We are so happy. We tried to keep our feet on the ground this morning but we’re just so excited and pleased. We realise this could still go wrong, the foster carer may not like us, or the matching panel may go against us, but right now it feels right and we’re allowing ourselves to believe that we may be daddies soon. And it’s a great feeling.
: )
Tuesday, 12 January 2010
The visit
The first thing I thought about this morning when I woke up was that today our lives could change forever. It’s a weird feeling and a difficult one to manage when you’re trying not to get your hopes up. We spent the morning reading the profile again and going over our questions once more. I also decided to polish and hoover some more, but this was more out of trying to find something to do rather than because the house needed it.
We managed to get to lunchtime without getting too nervous and at 1.30 our social worker came. We chatted about nothing in particular and then Boy H’s family finder and social worker arrived. His social worker is quite young, which we think is a good thing. We provided drinks and biscuits and they started by giving us an update on Boy H and how he had moved on since the last report. They then announced that they’re no longer considering the other family they were going to visit (good!) but that he will feature in one of the family finding magazines next month (not so good). They allowed us to ask the questions we had prepared and also showed us some more recent pictures. They then asked us to clarify some questions they had from reading our PAR and explained what happens next (I’ll explain below). They had a quick look at the house, which they seemed to like. The social worker did ask if the house was always this tidy and I had to admit to a bit of over-cleaning! They left after that and promised to be in touch soon. Miranda stayed for a few minutes after they left and she felt the meeting had gone really well. She sounded very positive about it. She asked us whether we wanted some time to give her our answer, but we were both very happy for her to let them know that yes, we are still interested.
So what happens next? They will get in touch with Miranda on Thursday and ask her whether we’re still willing to go ahead (we are) and they will let her know whether they want to progress any further with us. Should they wish to continue with us, then they would arrange a second visit with Boy H’s foster carer. They really trust her opinion, so the decision is likely to be based on what she thinks of us. If that goes well then they would ask us to go and visit his school and attend a planning meeting to decide introductions arrangements and then they and Miranda would complete a matching report for us to go to panel possibly as early as March, with the idea being that Boy H would move in April!
This is very hard to get our heads around. On the one hand it’s very encouraging and if it does indeed go as planned then we’d be looking at a very quick process, which would be great. On the other hand, there are a lot of “ifs” involved and we mustn’t get carried away. So we’re left in a bit of a limbo, not knowing whether to be excited or not. In any case it’s been a positive experience and like I say, we are very pleased with the way the visit went. Roll on Thursday!
We managed to get to lunchtime without getting too nervous and at 1.30 our social worker came. We chatted about nothing in particular and then Boy H’s family finder and social worker arrived. His social worker is quite young, which we think is a good thing. We provided drinks and biscuits and they started by giving us an update on Boy H and how he had moved on since the last report. They then announced that they’re no longer considering the other family they were going to visit (good!) but that he will feature in one of the family finding magazines next month (not so good). They allowed us to ask the questions we had prepared and also showed us some more recent pictures. They then asked us to clarify some questions they had from reading our PAR and explained what happens next (I’ll explain below). They had a quick look at the house, which they seemed to like. The social worker did ask if the house was always this tidy and I had to admit to a bit of over-cleaning! They left after that and promised to be in touch soon. Miranda stayed for a few minutes after they left and she felt the meeting had gone really well. She sounded very positive about it. She asked us whether we wanted some time to give her our answer, but we were both very happy for her to let them know that yes, we are still interested.
So what happens next? They will get in touch with Miranda on Thursday and ask her whether we’re still willing to go ahead (we are) and they will let her know whether they want to progress any further with us. Should they wish to continue with us, then they would arrange a second visit with Boy H’s foster carer. They really trust her opinion, so the decision is likely to be based on what she thinks of us. If that goes well then they would ask us to go and visit his school and attend a planning meeting to decide introductions arrangements and then they and Miranda would complete a matching report for us to go to panel possibly as early as March, with the idea being that Boy H would move in April!
This is very hard to get our heads around. On the one hand it’s very encouraging and if it does indeed go as planned then we’d be looking at a very quick process, which would be great. On the other hand, there are a lot of “ifs” involved and we mustn’t get carried away. So we’re left in a bit of a limbo, not knowing whether to be excited or not. In any case it’s been a positive experience and like I say, we are very pleased with the way the visit went. Roll on Thursday!
Monday, 11 January 2010
Visit tomorrow!
Miranda rang earlier to say that she had been to the same city where Boy H’s social workers are from today and the roads were OK. She also hasn’t heard anything from them to indicate that they think there’ll be any problem with the snow, so we’re hoping that the visit will go ahead tomorrow as planned.
We’ve had lots of advice from people who’ve been through this before (thanks everyone!). We’ve caught up with our notes on the PAR and other documentation, brushed up on all the adoption key words, cleaned the house, rearranged the furniture, hidden our knife block (apparently they’re a no-no and it will have to go if we’re matched), and we really can’t think of what else needs doing. I think all we can hope for is not to get too nervous and do our best to be ourselves and answer all their questions. Fingers crossed!
We’ve had lots of advice from people who’ve been through this before (thanks everyone!). We’ve caught up with our notes on the PAR and other documentation, brushed up on all the adoption key words, cleaned the house, rearranged the furniture, hidden our knife block (apparently they’re a no-no and it will have to go if we’re matched), and we really can’t think of what else needs doing. I think all we can hope for is not to get too nervous and do our best to be ourselves and answer all their questions. Fingers crossed!
Friday, 8 January 2010
Gay marriage and adoption news roundup
With all that’s been happening with our adoption process I’ve neglected telling you about gay adoption news around the world:
Last September, Uruguay became the first Latin American country to allow gay marriage and adoption (link to the story here). Just before Christmas Mexico DF approved gay marriage and adoption among fierce opposition from the usual suspects (church and conservative party). It should be noted that this is not a country-wide policy, it just applies to the capital. No news on adoption though (link to the story here).
In Argentina, the gay couple who managed to get permission to get married back in early December had it revoked in the last minute. However, Fabiana Ríos, the governor of Ushuaia (in the south of the country) authorised their wedding and they finally married there at the end of the month. Many congratulations to Alejandro and José María! (link to the story here)
In Portugal, the catholic church has organised a huge petition and gathered over 90,000 signatures to put the gay marriage law to a country-wide referendum. The law, which expressly forbids adoption by gay people, was approved last December by the council of ministers and was debated in parliament this week. It will go back for a final vote shortly and hopefully be approved by April, before the Pope visits Portugal in May (link to the story here).
Last September, Uruguay became the first Latin American country to allow gay marriage and adoption (link to the story here). Just before Christmas Mexico DF approved gay marriage and adoption among fierce opposition from the usual suspects (church and conservative party). It should be noted that this is not a country-wide policy, it just applies to the capital. No news on adoption though (link to the story here).
In Argentina, the gay couple who managed to get permission to get married back in early December had it revoked in the last minute. However, Fabiana Ríos, the governor of Ushuaia (in the south of the country) authorised their wedding and they finally married there at the end of the month. Many congratulations to Alejandro and José María! (link to the story here)
In Portugal, the catholic church has organised a huge petition and gathered over 90,000 signatures to put the gay marriage law to a country-wide referendum. The law, which expressly forbids adoption by gay people, was approved last December by the council of ministers and was debated in parliament this week. It will go back for a final vote shortly and hopefully be approved by April, before the Pope visits Portugal in May (link to the story here).
Thursday, 7 January 2010
Visit preparation
Miranda didn’t come yesterday after all and we rescheduled for this morning. We were worried that she might not be able to make it again because of the snow, but she did. We spent the morning going through the questions that we had prepared, some of which she didn’t think were appropriate, and discussing what we could expect to be asked and how best to answer. We thought she might be quite cautious, as she always is, but she seemed quite positive. We think she genuinely believes we have an equal chance with the other couple they’ll be visiting, so that’s as good as we can hope for, I guess. We have no idea of when they’ll be visiting the other couple, so we don’t know when we’ll be likely to get an answer after our visit. We just hope that by Tuesday the snow won’t be a problem any more and the social workers will be able to make it to our house!
Wednesday, 6 January 2010
Epiphany, questions, chances
It’s Epiphany today, which in Spain is traditionally when the three wise men leave presents for the kids (as opposed to Santa on the 25th). You’re supposed to leave a show (not a stocking) out and you’ll find a present in the morning. Glen and I always exchange presents at Christmas (well, shortly after, when I get back from Spain) but we still leave a shoe out on January 5th and find a little gift on the 6th. Maybe next year there’ll be an extra little shoe to join ours?
We spent a couple of hours yesterday re-reading Boy H’s Child Permanence Report and came up with a whole list of clarifications and updates that we’d like to have from the social workers when they come to see us next week. We also worked a bit on trying to come up with answers to the questions that we think they will ask us, including stuff about Glen’s family, why we’ve chosen Boy H and the difficult question of the last name. Glen and I kept our names when we got married, and we need to decide what last name the boy would have if we’re successful in being matched with him. We’ve been playing with the possible combinations, but, perhaps unsurprisingly, we both like our own last name better...
I also looked at the online publication where we first saw Boy H and noticed that he’s not featured any more. He didn’t appear in the latest print issue either, but he had remained online and Miranda said that his family finders were planning to advertise for him again (which hasn’t happened). Does this mean that they’re positive about finding a match for him? In that case, if the information we’ve received about them interviewing just one other couple is correct, we have a 50/50 chance! Glen is refusing to get excited and is preparing for bad news. They way I’m choosing to see this is that at least we’ve got as far as a visit. Let’s see how much further we can make it.
Miranda should be coming today to help us prepare for next week’s visit, but with all the snow she may not be able to. We’ll get in touch with her later. Maybe she can come later in the week or we can do something by email or on the phone.
We spent a couple of hours yesterday re-reading Boy H’s Child Permanence Report and came up with a whole list of clarifications and updates that we’d like to have from the social workers when they come to see us next week. We also worked a bit on trying to come up with answers to the questions that we think they will ask us, including stuff about Glen’s family, why we’ve chosen Boy H and the difficult question of the last name. Glen and I kept our names when we got married, and we need to decide what last name the boy would have if we’re successful in being matched with him. We’ve been playing with the possible combinations, but, perhaps unsurprisingly, we both like our own last name better...
I also looked at the online publication where we first saw Boy H and noticed that he’s not featured any more. He didn’t appear in the latest print issue either, but he had remained online and Miranda said that his family finders were planning to advertise for him again (which hasn’t happened). Does this mean that they’re positive about finding a match for him? In that case, if the information we’ve received about them interviewing just one other couple is correct, we have a 50/50 chance! Glen is refusing to get excited and is preparing for bad news. They way I’m choosing to see this is that at least we’ve got as far as a visit. Let’s see how much further we can make it.
Miranda should be coming today to help us prepare for next week’s visit, but with all the snow she may not be able to. We’ll get in touch with her later. Maybe she can come later in the week or we can do something by email or on the phone.
Tuesday, 5 January 2010
Family day in court for our fellow adopters
Yesterday we went to the family day in court for R&A and their adopted daughter. Basically, having completed all the paperwork and received the birth certificate, you go to court, the judge signs a certificate and the adoption is considered final. The judge was quite sweet and gave their daughter a little teddy bear to mark the day. It’s quite amazing that R&A started the process at the same time as we did (we met them at preparation groups) and have now finished the process. It proves that each case is individual and there’s no specific time frame. I don’t think the fact that they are a straight couple has much to do with how (relatively) little time it has taken them. They were matched exceptionally quickly. We know other straight couples who are still waiting, as are we...
Sunday, 3 January 2010
Happy new year
We spent a nice new year at a friends’ house. On the 31st we told a few friends and family about the fact that we’re being visited. The following day I regretted it as if we’re not successful we’ll have to tell them that as well. It’s a very difficult line to cross between not getting carried away and not feeling like you’re hiding things from the people you’re close to.
Today’s the last day of the holidays and of course most of the things we intended to do during the time off haven’t got done. Yesterday, in a bit of a panic about getting a visit, I decided to finish painting one of our living room walls, which I’d started before Christmas and hadn’t had a chance to finish. I wouldn’t want the social workers to sit in a room that’s half painted! I can tell that in the run up to this visit the house is going to get cleaned until it sparkles. In a way it’s like we’re selling the house! Ok, we’re not selling it, but we’re trying to convince someone that this is the perfect house for Boy H. I do realise that they are more interested in us and what we have to offer, and we will be doing our homework re-reading Boy H’s Child Permanence Report, our own PAR, preparing questions and answers for the visit, etc as well.
Since we had the visit confirmed it’s been hard to get it off our minds. Glen and I will be talking about something completely different, or watching TV or whatever and then one of us will suddenly ask the other about the visit: “what will we ask?”, “Shall we volunteer information about this or that?” and stuff like that. I don’t think I’ll be able to concentrate much at work for the next two weeks...
Talking of questions and volunteering information, one piece of information I wanted to make sure we mention to the social workers is that we’re monogamous. I know that some people think of gay men as promiscuous even if they are in a long term relationship, and I want to let them know that we’re not. I have nothing against people who are in open relationships or whatever (each to their own), but we aren’t, and I want to clarify that to the social workers. I mentioned this last night to two of our gay friends who have adopted, and they and Glen think that if we volunteer this information it will come across like we’re indeed promiscuous but feel like we should say otherwise. I think they have a point. We may ask Miranda what she thinks. I just don’t want to be judged on some prejudice that they may have and not address it. But if I address it I may be opening a can of worms. Do straight couples worry about this? Do other gay couples?
Anyhow, enough for today. I hope everyone has a very happy new year and to all those who are in the adoption process I wish you the best of luck. Here’s hoping for a perfect 10!
Today’s the last day of the holidays and of course most of the things we intended to do during the time off haven’t got done. Yesterday, in a bit of a panic about getting a visit, I decided to finish painting one of our living room walls, which I’d started before Christmas and hadn’t had a chance to finish. I wouldn’t want the social workers to sit in a room that’s half painted! I can tell that in the run up to this visit the house is going to get cleaned until it sparkles. In a way it’s like we’re selling the house! Ok, we’re not selling it, but we’re trying to convince someone that this is the perfect house for Boy H. I do realise that they are more interested in us and what we have to offer, and we will be doing our homework re-reading Boy H’s Child Permanence Report, our own PAR, preparing questions and answers for the visit, etc as well.
Since we had the visit confirmed it’s been hard to get it off our minds. Glen and I will be talking about something completely different, or watching TV or whatever and then one of us will suddenly ask the other about the visit: “what will we ask?”, “Shall we volunteer information about this or that?” and stuff like that. I don’t think I’ll be able to concentrate much at work for the next two weeks...
Talking of questions and volunteering information, one piece of information I wanted to make sure we mention to the social workers is that we’re monogamous. I know that some people think of gay men as promiscuous even if they are in a long term relationship, and I want to let them know that we’re not. I have nothing against people who are in open relationships or whatever (each to their own), but we aren’t, and I want to clarify that to the social workers. I mentioned this last night to two of our gay friends who have adopted, and they and Glen think that if we volunteer this information it will come across like we’re indeed promiscuous but feel like we should say otherwise. I think they have a point. We may ask Miranda what she thinks. I just don’t want to be judged on some prejudice that they may have and not address it. But if I address it I may be opening a can of worms. Do straight couples worry about this? Do other gay couples?
Anyhow, enough for today. I hope everyone has a very happy new year and to all those who are in the adoption process I wish you the best of luck. Here’s hoping for a perfect 10!
Thursday, 31 December 2009
Visit arranged
I am back in the UK now after a week in Spain. Yesterday I was going to sit down to write a moaning post about the fact that Miranda hadn’t contacted us at all even though she said on the 21st that she’d ring us the following day and how we weren’t expecting to hear from her until the new year, but I never got round to it.
I’s just as well I didn’t as I’d have had to swallow my words. She rang us to say that Boy H’s social worker and family finder are definitely coming to visit us in two weeks’ time. Miranda will come next week to help us prepare for the visit. In the meantime we will re-read his CPR to think of questions we may want to ask the social workers. Apparently they have an updated profile and some information from his school as well, so we will get that when they visit. Miranda has asked us to look into whether the local schools have any places and also what post adoption support services are available in our area.
With this news we spent the morning and afternoon looking up information about local schools online (they are all closed until Monday 4th January, so we can’t get any prospectuses or contact them about places until then), and also about post-adoption support in our local authority. We managed to get the name and contact details of the post-adoption specialist at the local CAMHS (Children and Adolescent Mental Health Services) as well.
Miranda said that the social workers sounded positive, and we are very happy with the news, but desperately trying not to get too excited. We know they are visiting another couple, and they may well choose them over us. Still, it’s excellent news and a very positive end to the year. : )
I’s just as well I didn’t as I’d have had to swallow my words. She rang us to say that Boy H’s social worker and family finder are definitely coming to visit us in two weeks’ time. Miranda will come next week to help us prepare for the visit. In the meantime we will re-read his CPR to think of questions we may want to ask the social workers. Apparently they have an updated profile and some information from his school as well, so we will get that when they visit. Miranda has asked us to look into whether the local schools have any places and also what post adoption support services are available in our area.
With this news we spent the morning and afternoon looking up information about local schools online (they are all closed until Monday 4th January, so we can’t get any prospectuses or contact them about places until then), and also about post-adoption support in our local authority. We managed to get the name and contact details of the post-adoption specialist at the local CAMHS (Children and Adolescent Mental Health Services) as well.
Miranda said that the social workers sounded positive, and we are very happy with the news, but desperately trying not to get too excited. We know they are visiting another couple, and they may well choose them over us. Still, it’s excellent news and a very positive end to the year. : )
Friday, 25 December 2009
Merry Christmas
Ah, the Christmas blog post. Two years ago I hoped that by last year we’d have been approved and maybe matched (we weren’t). Last year I assumed we’d have been approved in February (in the end it took another two months) and hopefully matched by the end of the year (you know how that’s turned out). So this year I really don’t want to get my hopes up again, but at the same time this Christmas is different because we’re not wondering about an abstract child: we’re hoping to be matched with boy H and I can’t help myself from wondering what he’s doing today and hoping that next year he’ll be with us. It’s not healthy, I know. Just let me have my moment and normal service will resume soon.
Happy Christmas.
Happy Christmas.
Thursday, 24 December 2009
Back in Spain
Despite the weather and flight cancellations everywhere I managed to get to Spain last Tuesday, so I’ve spent the last couple of days surrounded by excited children (my nephew and 4 nieces – ages ranging from 5 to 9). The kids and I put the decorations up today along with the tree and the nativity and so far everything’s still standing / in place. Glen’s stayed in the UK and is visiting his family. Whenever we tell people than in the 13 years we’ve been together we’ve never spent Christmas together they think it’s a little strange. But we both like going to our respective houses and it’s not like we could easily go from one to the other Spain / UK between Christmas eve and Christmas day! Should we ever adopt, it’ll have to change, of course.
We haven’t heard from Miranda at all, so we’re not expecting to receive any news regarding an interview until January now. Perhaps the new year will bring a change!
We haven’t heard from Miranda at all, so we’re not expecting to receive any news regarding an interview until January now. Perhaps the new year will bring a change!
Monday, 21 December 2009
Still we wait...
We had a message from Miranda on the answering machine when we got back from work today. She’s been trying to get hold of the family finder for Boy H but had no luck. She says she’ll call us tomorrow so hopefully she may have some news then.
Sunday, 20 December 2009
Portugal approves gay marriage but forbids gay adoption
On Thursday the Portuguese government approved the gay marriage bill. It has yet to be passed by parliament, but it should happen in January (given that the socialist government has the majority) and the law would then come into effect in April. As usual, the church and the conservatives are up in arms and demanding a referendum.
The law, however, forbids gay adoption. Local gay rights organisations have complained as, so far, the previous law didn’t make a reference to sexual orientation (thus making it possible for single adopters to adopt without declaring their sexuality).
So it looks like Portugal takes one step forward and one backwards in gay rights. Full information (in Spanish) here.
The law, however, forbids gay adoption. Local gay rights organisations have complained as, so far, the previous law didn’t make a reference to sexual orientation (thus making it possible for single adopters to adopt without declaring their sexuality).
So it looks like Portugal takes one step forward and one backwards in gay rights. Full information (in Spanish) here.
Tuesday, 15 December 2009
Adoption order for our fellow adopters!
R&A, one of the couples we met at our preparation group back in April 2008 and who were matched on the same day that we were approved in April this year, have had the adoption order for their child granted. This means that the child is now theirs forever and they needn’t have any further involvement from the social workers. They are very happy and we are really happy for them. We’ve been invited to their court day and are looking forward to it.
Who knows? Maybe one day that will be us too. I know I look forward not only to the day we have a child or children, but also to the day we don’t have to deal with social workers any more!
Who knows? Maybe one day that will be us too. I know I look forward not only to the day we have a child or children, but also to the day we don’t have to deal with social workers any more!
Monday, 14 December 2009
New Family Social Christmas get-together
We went to the New Family Social Christmas get-together yesterday and had a great time. There were around 40 adopters (with quite a few of their children) and prospective adopters. Everyone was really relaxed and exchanging advice, stories, support... as well as eating some lovely food. We caught up with quite a few people we hadn’t seen in a while, some that we had seen not that long ago, and met some new prospective adopters. It’s quite funny that the first time we went we were completely new to it and now we’re in a position where we meet people who are new and we can share some of our experience with. I was thinking earlier that going to these NFS get-togethers for the first time is a bit like going to a gay pub for the first time: you think you’re the only one until you go in and find that there are a whole load of people like you – only much more welcoming!
Friday, 11 December 2009
Things look better again
Yesterday we were both so down about Boy H that we emailed his family finder directly and asked her to visit us so they can base their judgement of our suitability on meeting us face-to-face rather than on our PAR. We had no reply, so we assumed that it wasn’t good news.
Today I emailed Miranda to let her know I’d written to the family finder (since I’d forgotten to copy her on the email yesterday). She was supposed to get back to us today with news about whether Boy H’s social worker and family finder have decided to visit us or not, but by 3.30 she hadn’t so once again we assumed the worst. Then I had an email from the family finder: we are still in the running! She said that there must have been some sort of misunderstanding because they’d told Miranda that there were many strengths in our profile! They are visiting the other couple, but they will come and visit us as well. No date yet, but we’re over the moon. After the experience of the last couple of days Glen is now trying not to get his hopes up again, but I’m excited that what looked like a “no” has turned to “maybe”. And at the very least we’ll be able to meet them and present ourselves directly and not through a report that we didn’t write.
The family finder’s email mentioned that Miranda had said we had been looking at another boy’s PAR - which is not true - and this is why they’d put us aside. This may have been either yet another misunderstanding, or Miranda has been misleading them. Why she would want to say that, I don’t know.
Miranda actually rang later and was clearly angry with us for having been in contact directly with the family finder. She said we appeared desperate and needed to be patient as we’re still a long way away from being matched. I pointed out the mention of another child’s PAR that the family finder had made and she replied that all she’d said to them was that we were looking at another child (at the time we were considering Boy J) and she’d said nothing of us reading another PAR. We have no reason to believe one social worker or the other, so for now we’ll go with the explanation that it’s all been a misunderstanding.
Miranda claimed that because of my email now the family finder hadn’t got back to her with dates as promised (which we think is a strange thing to say – it appears that the boy’s social worker is on leave at the moment which would explain why the family finder can’t come back with dates). I managed to pacify Miranda and she said she would call the family finder and try to get dates, so she would either call us back or be in touch on the 21st when she’s back from her own annual leave. She never called us back so we’ll have to wait 10 days to hear of possible dates for the visit.
So although we’ve been all over the place today, the final outcome is that we started this morning fearing that we wouldn’t get a visit after all and we’re finishing it knowing that they do want to visit us. And that’s good enough for the next 10 days while we wait for further news.
Today I emailed Miranda to let her know I’d written to the family finder (since I’d forgotten to copy her on the email yesterday). She was supposed to get back to us today with news about whether Boy H’s social worker and family finder have decided to visit us or not, but by 3.30 she hadn’t so once again we assumed the worst. Then I had an email from the family finder: we are still in the running! She said that there must have been some sort of misunderstanding because they’d told Miranda that there were many strengths in our profile! They are visiting the other couple, but they will come and visit us as well. No date yet, but we’re over the moon. After the experience of the last couple of days Glen is now trying not to get his hopes up again, but I’m excited that what looked like a “no” has turned to “maybe”. And at the very least we’ll be able to meet them and present ourselves directly and not through a report that we didn’t write.
The family finder’s email mentioned that Miranda had said we had been looking at another boy’s PAR - which is not true - and this is why they’d put us aside. This may have been either yet another misunderstanding, or Miranda has been misleading them. Why she would want to say that, I don’t know.
Miranda actually rang later and was clearly angry with us for having been in contact directly with the family finder. She said we appeared desperate and needed to be patient as we’re still a long way away from being matched. I pointed out the mention of another child’s PAR that the family finder had made and she replied that all she’d said to them was that we were looking at another child (at the time we were considering Boy J) and she’d said nothing of us reading another PAR. We have no reason to believe one social worker or the other, so for now we’ll go with the explanation that it’s all been a misunderstanding.
Miranda claimed that because of my email now the family finder hadn’t got back to her with dates as promised (which we think is a strange thing to say – it appears that the boy’s social worker is on leave at the moment which would explain why the family finder can’t come back with dates). I managed to pacify Miranda and she said she would call the family finder and try to get dates, so she would either call us back or be in touch on the 21st when she’s back from her own annual leave. She never called us back so we’ll have to wait 10 days to hear of possible dates for the visit.
So although we’ve been all over the place today, the final outcome is that we started this morning fearing that we wouldn’t get a visit after all and we’re finishing it knowing that they do want to visit us. And that’s good enough for the next 10 days while we wait for further news.
Wednesday, 9 December 2009
All is not lost, but it’s not looking good
I emailed Miranda last Sunday asking if there were any news from Boy H’s social worker and family finder as it’s been nearly three weeks since they said they would be interested in visiting us and nothing’s been arranged. Miranda tried to get in touch and finally managed to speak to them today. She called Glen this afternoon and it turns out that they are not sure now if they will be visiting us at all. Apparently there is another couple who have expressed an interest, so his social worker is keen to visit them. They have also decided that they are going feature him one more time in the childspotting publication where we first saw him, so clearly they don’t think we’re the family for him. Apparently after they got our full prospective adopters’ report they were concerned about Glen’s relationship with his dad and brother. For anyone who doesn’t remember / hasn’t followed from the beginning of our adoption process, this was an issue that Miranda thought might make it difficult for us to get approved, as Glen’s brother and father have a big problem with his sexuality and he doesn’t have much to do with them (I’ve never met them).
The social workers have now confirmed that they will not be visiting this side of Christmas. Miranda has suggested some dates at the beginning of January and they will be letting her know at the end of the week whether they want to come at all. Glen says that Miranda’s tone implied that she thought this was a gentle way to let us down and by the end of the week it will be a “no”, but I’ve not given up hope yet and will try to keep my hopes up until then.
We’re both unsure about how to feel. We are very disappointed but since it’s not a “no” it may be that all this is is a few weeks’ delay. Glen is feeling quite down as he feels that it’s because of his family that they’re no longer so keen on us, but at the end of the day it’s not his fault at all. A complete comedown though as, hard as we’d tried not to, we had really got our hopes up.
The social workers have now confirmed that they will not be visiting this side of Christmas. Miranda has suggested some dates at the beginning of January and they will be letting her know at the end of the week whether they want to come at all. Glen says that Miranda’s tone implied that she thought this was a gentle way to let us down and by the end of the week it will be a “no”, but I’ve not given up hope yet and will try to keep my hopes up until then.
We’re both unsure about how to feel. We are very disappointed but since it’s not a “no” it may be that all this is is a few weeks’ delay. Glen is feeling quite down as he feels that it’s because of his family that they’re no longer so keen on us, but at the end of the day it’s not his fault at all. A complete comedown though as, hard as we’d tried not to, we had really got our hopes up.
Saturday, 5 December 2009
200 posts and over 5000 visits
This is my 200th post since I started this blog in spring 2008. By some standards I guess I’m quite prolific, although nothing like the people who update their blogs several times a day. In that time this blog has had over 5000 visits, which I guess is quite good. I don’t really mind how many people read it in a way as long as it’s of some help to those who do. It may be to share a common idea, to prepare some people for what’s to come, to remind others of what they went through, or to inspire some to believe that they can adopt if they are gay. I’ll keep on writing and I hope people keep on reading!
Friday, 4 December 2009
Childspotting fair
Apologies: I said in my last post that I would write about the Adoption Register Exchange day on Wednesday but it’s taken me until today to find the time.
We turned up at the venue with plenty of time and re-read the instructions we’d been sent. We registered, had a quick briefing about what to expect, and went in to find a large room with 40 stalls displaying children’s and adopters’ profiles. The impression was that of a trade fair, which seemed horribly wrong but utterly practical. We approached the first stall unsure of what we were expected to do, but we soon got into it as we had more or less the same exchange at each stall. It went like this:
- Hello
- Hi, what are you approved for?
- One or two children, 0 to 7th birthday.
- Have you got a preference for boys or girls?
- Not really, although we have been told that we’re more likely to be approved for boys.
- OK, let’s see what we have here...
At this point they would look at their profiles and pull out the ones that matched our ethnicities and the details we had just given. Then they would talk to us about them and we’d pick up those profiles that we felt might be a good match.
A few of the agencies asked for our profile and we gave it to them. We intended to be there for about an hour but ended up staying for two. We left with nine profiles for both single children and sibling groups. Of these, once we looked at them again, we have rejected three. The other six we’re going to keep aside until we have heard about the visit from the social workers for Boy H.
It was a very overwhelming and emotionally draining day. We saw a couple of familiar faces and it was nice to chat to them for a few minutes and take our minds off where we were even if only for a moment. I really don’t think I’d like to go back to another event like that. It just seemed so wrong to be dealing with children as if they were something for sale in a car boot sale.
On the positive side, no-one seemed to bat an eyelid about us being a gay couple. We spotted at least one other male and one female couple. And no-one mentioned it being a problem except a couple of profiles that specifically referred to looking for a male/female couple to adopt, and one social worker who told us a child in particular needed a female carer.
We turned up at the venue with plenty of time and re-read the instructions we’d been sent. We registered, had a quick briefing about what to expect, and went in to find a large room with 40 stalls displaying children’s and adopters’ profiles. The impression was that of a trade fair, which seemed horribly wrong but utterly practical. We approached the first stall unsure of what we were expected to do, but we soon got into it as we had more or less the same exchange at each stall. It went like this:
- Hello
- Hi, what are you approved for?
- One or two children, 0 to 7th birthday.
- Have you got a preference for boys or girls?
- Not really, although we have been told that we’re more likely to be approved for boys.
- OK, let’s see what we have here...
At this point they would look at their profiles and pull out the ones that matched our ethnicities and the details we had just given. Then they would talk to us about them and we’d pick up those profiles that we felt might be a good match.
A few of the agencies asked for our profile and we gave it to them. We intended to be there for about an hour but ended up staying for two. We left with nine profiles for both single children and sibling groups. Of these, once we looked at them again, we have rejected three. The other six we’re going to keep aside until we have heard about the visit from the social workers for Boy H.
It was a very overwhelming and emotionally draining day. We saw a couple of familiar faces and it was nice to chat to them for a few minutes and take our minds off where we were even if only for a moment. I really don’t think I’d like to go back to another event like that. It just seemed so wrong to be dealing with children as if they were something for sale in a car boot sale.
On the positive side, no-one seemed to bat an eyelid about us being a gay couple. We spotted at least one other male and one female couple. And no-one mentioned it being a problem except a couple of profiles that specifically referred to looking for a male/female couple to adopt, and one social worker who told us a child in particular needed a female carer.
Tuesday, 1 December 2009
Good news for our friends and uncertainty for us
Our friends G&S, whom we have known from before we stated our respective adoption processes, have had good news at last. It looks like the judge has decided that the children they were going to go to panel for back in the summer, who were then “withdrawn” from family finding while the judge decided whether the birth family deserved another chance, will be freed for adoption after all. It may sound bad to say that we’re pleased that the siblings won’t be reunited with their birth family, but there are very good reasons for it and G&S can offer them a wonderful family. They’re looking at panel in the new year and I really hope it works out for them.
Glen spoke to Miranda today to confirm that we want to go ahead with a visit from Boy H’s social workers. Apparently his family finder is on holiday this week and Miranda is on holiday the week after next so either it happens next week or it will most likely happen after Christmas – unless we’re very lucky and they manage to fit the visit in the week in between.
Tomorrow we’re going to an Adoption Register exchange day. We were planning to go with G&S, but for the reasons above they won’t be coming now. The exchange days are basically a meeting point for children’s representatives and prospective adopters: several agencies and local authorities come together in a room with information about the children they are family finding for. I’m really not looking forward to it for a number of reasons. For starters we’re very keen on the link with Boy H and we don’t really want to look for other children, even though Miranda tells us that we must keep looking and to have something in the pipeline should the link with Boy H fall through. Another reason is that I keep expecting this exchange day to be like a used car forecourt. “Take this child and get a free sibling!”, “Damaged children clearance!” Seriously, the thought of going from stall to stall looking at children’s profiles as if they were goods for sale and then having to sell ourselves as a potential match is not exactly making me keen to go. Still, go we shall. I’ll report tomorrow.
Glen spoke to Miranda today to confirm that we want to go ahead with a visit from Boy H’s social workers. Apparently his family finder is on holiday this week and Miranda is on holiday the week after next so either it happens next week or it will most likely happen after Christmas – unless we’re very lucky and they manage to fit the visit in the week in between.
Tomorrow we’re going to an Adoption Register exchange day. We were planning to go with G&S, but for the reasons above they won’t be coming now. The exchange days are basically a meeting point for children’s representatives and prospective adopters: several agencies and local authorities come together in a room with information about the children they are family finding for. I’m really not looking forward to it for a number of reasons. For starters we’re very keen on the link with Boy H and we don’t really want to look for other children, even though Miranda tells us that we must keep looking and to have something in the pipeline should the link with Boy H fall through. Another reason is that I keep expecting this exchange day to be like a used car forecourt. “Take this child and get a free sibling!”, “Damaged children clearance!” Seriously, the thought of going from stall to stall looking at children’s profiles as if they were goods for sale and then having to sell ourselves as a potential match is not exactly making me keen to go. Still, go we shall. I’ll report tomorrow.
Monday, 30 November 2009
Argentina’s (and Latin America’s) first gay wedding
I saw this on the Spanish press today and then found that the Guardian had published the story yesterday. It’s a complete media circus in Argentina.
For the full story click here.
I guess gay adoption is not likely to happen any time soon... those of us who can should never forget how lucky we are to live in places where gay adoption is possible.
For the full story click here.
I guess gay adoption is not likely to happen any time soon... those of us who can should never forget how lucky we are to live in places where gay adoption is possible.
Thursday, 26 November 2009
Updated information
I spoke to Miranda yesterday. She said she understood why we had turned down Boy J. She told me that she’d received an update from Boy H’s social worker and foster carer and she’d put it in the post for us. We received it this morning and after reading the updated information we’re still very keen to proceed. Miranda is working on preparation groups for their new intake of prospective adopters for the rest of the week and she told me to get in touch next Tuesday to let her know if we want to proceed with a visit from his social workers. She wasn’t sure if the visit will take place before or after Christmas as it will depend on how busy everyone is and their schedules. I know Christmas is only a month away but now that we’re geared up and things seem to be progressing we just want to get on with it! Still, we’re very happy with the way things are going so we’ll just have to be patient for a bit longer.
Monday, 23 November 2009
Decision
We spent last Saturday with some friends we hadn’t seen in a while. Their children (7 and 4) were great with us and although they are normally drawn to me and ask me to play with them, this time they were keener on playing with Glen. I was really pleased about this as Glen always thinks that he’s no good with children so it’s good for him to realise how much children like him. On Sunday we caught up with S&J, whom we met at a New Family Social get-together last winter, and their son. We chatted a bit about the latest developments and they agreed that the decision we have taken regarding the “boy J” (with the horrific circumstances) is the right one.
It took us 5 days of thinking long and hard about it, but we have decided not to express an interest in this boy. We really feel that we’d be forever worried about how to reply to questions about his background, and how he would feel later in life about his identity and family history. We don't feel we're qualified or experienced enough for the kind of support that this boy will need, as much as we would love to. I cannot give details but we haven’t taken this decision lightly and it’s been a very hard choice to make. Now we want to put the whole thing behind us and concentrate on Boy H.
It took us 5 days of thinking long and hard about it, but we have decided not to express an interest in this boy. We really feel that we’d be forever worried about how to reply to questions about his background, and how he would feel later in life about his identity and family history. We don't feel we're qualified or experienced enough for the kind of support that this boy will need, as much as we would love to. I cannot give details but we haven’t taken this decision lightly and it’s been a very hard choice to make. Now we want to put the whole thing behind us and concentrate on Boy H.
Thursday, 19 November 2009
One step closer!
We had an email from Miranda: the social worker for the boy we had enquired about and whose CPR we received on Wednesday will send her updated information. His CPR was over a year old, so a lot may have changed since. Also, after reading our PAR they want to visit us! We’re very excited but trying to keep calm. At the very least it’s one step closer. Miranda hasn’t mentioned dates at all, so we’re not sure if this will happen soon.
We have been thinking a lot about the boy with the horrific circumstances. I wrote to Miranda to ask her (assuming he was placed with us):
- Would our local authority provide some support for us past the adoption?
- Would they provide counselling for the child throughout his life? (his circumstances are likely to be something he will need to revisit in different ways at different times in his life)
- Has our local authority ever placed a child with a similar background with other adopters? Would it be possible to get in touch with them?
- Do they know of any research, case studies, or publications that deal with adoption in similar cases and the effect on the teenager/adult?
It somewhat hard to balance the positive news while dealing with the other child. To add to the mix, we have asked Miranda to enquire about another child that appeared in one of the magazines. We are very keen on the one we’ve made progress with, but she has stressed to us that we shouldn’t put all our eggs in one basket and to keep looking and enquiring.
Just to recap on our enquiries so far:
- Boys A and B (siblings): Miranda found them for us but never heard back from their social worker after she enquired. She’s assuming that link is ended.
- Boys C and D (siblings): we saw them in a magazine and asked Miranda to enquire on our behalf. Never heard back from their social worker after she enquired. She’s assuming that link is ended.
- Boy E: Miranda sent us his profile but we felt he had too many health and mental issues for us to cope with.
- Boys F and G (siblings): we found their profile online and made an enquiry but never heard back.
- Boy H: we found his profile online and made an enquiry directly. We both felt a connection to him straight away, especially Glen. He is the one whose social workers want to visit us.
- Boy I: we found his profile online and made an enquiry directly. We felt he was quite a good ethnic match. His social worker sent us a fuller profile and we felt that there were too many health and mental uncertainties.
- Boy J: Miranda has asked us to consider his horrific family history before giving us any further details. We are still trying to find out more before making a decision.
- Boy K: We found him on one of the magazines. Have just asked Miranda to enquire on our behalf.
To be honest we’re only enquiring about boy K because we feel that we mustn’t get carried away and we don’t want to be left with no options or anything to look forward to if Boy H turns out not to be the one for us. In fact their profiles are quite similar!
We have been thinking a lot about the boy with the horrific circumstances. I wrote to Miranda to ask her (assuming he was placed with us):
- Would our local authority provide some support for us past the adoption?
- Would they provide counselling for the child throughout his life? (his circumstances are likely to be something he will need to revisit in different ways at different times in his life)
- Has our local authority ever placed a child with a similar background with other adopters? Would it be possible to get in touch with them?
- Do they know of any research, case studies, or publications that deal with adoption in similar cases and the effect on the teenager/adult?
It somewhat hard to balance the positive news while dealing with the other child. To add to the mix, we have asked Miranda to enquire about another child that appeared in one of the magazines. We are very keen on the one we’ve made progress with, but she has stressed to us that we shouldn’t put all our eggs in one basket and to keep looking and enquiring.
Just to recap on our enquiries so far:
- Boys A and B (siblings): Miranda found them for us but never heard back from their social worker after she enquired. She’s assuming that link is ended.
- Boys C and D (siblings): we saw them in a magazine and asked Miranda to enquire on our behalf. Never heard back from their social worker after she enquired. She’s assuming that link is ended.
- Boy E: Miranda sent us his profile but we felt he had too many health and mental issues for us to cope with.
- Boys F and G (siblings): we found their profile online and made an enquiry but never heard back.
- Boy H: we found his profile online and made an enquiry directly. We both felt a connection to him straight away, especially Glen. He is the one whose social workers want to visit us.
- Boy I: we found his profile online and made an enquiry directly. We felt he was quite a good ethnic match. His social worker sent us a fuller profile and we felt that there were too many health and mental uncertainties.
- Boy J: Miranda has asked us to consider his horrific family history before giving us any further details. We are still trying to find out more before making a decision.
- Boy K: We found him on one of the magazines. Have just asked Miranda to enquire on our behalf.
To be honest we’re only enquiring about boy K because we feel that we mustn’t get carried away and we don’t want to be left with no options or anything to look forward to if Boy H turns out not to be the one for us. In fact their profiles are quite similar!
Wednesday, 18 November 2009
A lot to think about
Miranda came to see us yesterday. She gave us a copy of the Child Permanence Report (CPR) for the boy we’ve been enquiring about, which is over a year out of date. Then she mentioned the mysterious child she wouldn’t talk about on the phone. The reason she wouldn’t talk about him on the phone is that he has a horrific family history. In fact, she didn’t really talk about the child. She just explained his circumstances to see whether we think we could cope with them, and only if we think we are prepared then she will give us more details about the child. All she would say about the child was that he is a boy and he’s under two.
After she left Glen and I were a bit numb trying to process this information. We talked about it afterwards, but will need more time to make a decision.
In the meantime we read the CPR for the other boy, which is not happy reading but at least doesn’t come with any shocking surprises. It was pretty much what we were expecting as far as his family history goes. This is actually the first full CPR we have had, so it’s a bit of a milestone. Miranda said his family finder was interested in us and that she’d liked the things I asked and said when we spoke on the phone. It was very strange trying to concentrate on this boy and the progress we’re making with him and at the same time still have the circumstances for the other boy in our heads, so we may have to read it again with clear heads after we’ve made a decision about the boy with the horrific story. I’m sorry I can’t be more specific, but all I will say it’s more than we ever thought we would need to consider or have ever read about in any of the books, magazines or websites.
After she left Glen and I were a bit numb trying to process this information. We talked about it afterwards, but will need more time to make a decision.
In the meantime we read the CPR for the other boy, which is not happy reading but at least doesn’t come with any shocking surprises. It was pretty much what we were expecting as far as his family history goes. This is actually the first full CPR we have had, so it’s a bit of a milestone. Miranda said his family finder was interested in us and that she’d liked the things I asked and said when we spoke on the phone. It was very strange trying to concentrate on this boy and the progress we’re making with him and at the same time still have the circumstances for the other boy in our heads, so we may have to read it again with clear heads after we’ve made a decision about the boy with the horrific story. I’m sorry I can’t be more specific, but all I will say it’s more than we ever thought we would need to consider or have ever read about in any of the books, magazines or websites.
Monday, 16 November 2009
Lesbians make better parents
The Telegraph ran this article on Sunday. According to a senior member of the Government's parenting academy, children brought up by lesbians do better than children brought up by heterosexual parents and are no more likely to be gay.
Link to the Telegraph article.
And Wales Online ran a nice feature last week to coincide with Adoption Week on a gay couple who have successfully adopted. Thanks to OJ at NFS for the link to the story.
Link to the Wales Online article.
We’re looking forward to tomorrow’s visit. We’re very intrigued by whatever news Miranda’s bringing!
Link to the Telegraph article.
And Wales Online ran a nice feature last week to coincide with Adoption Week on a gay couple who have successfully adopted. Thanks to OJ at NFS for the link to the story.
Link to the Wales Online article.
We’re looking forward to tomorrow’s visit. We’re very intrigued by whatever news Miranda’s bringing!
Saturday, 14 November 2009
Modern Family
I’ve been meaning to write about this show for ages and then keep forgetting. It’s on ABC in the US and on SKY 1 here in the UK (Thursday evenings) and it’s the funniest thing we’ve seen in ages. The show is a mockumentary about three families (who are all related). One of the families that the show centres on is Mitchell and Cameron, a gay couple who have just adopted a little Vietnamese girl. Although they are to a certain extent stereotypical (as is every other member of the other families: the stroppy teenager etc...) the actors, writers and directors clearly care about these characters. The gay adoption issue is a bit of a non-issue in the storylines in fact, and it’s for that reason that I think the programme should be applauded. Without being political, it presents a gay couple who have adopted as a normal thing (within the realm of sitcom families). It therefore gives visibility and a sense of normality to the issue of gay adoption without being preachy. And of course it’s incredibly funny, which helps a lot. It you have a US iTunes account (you can Google how to get one) the first episode is free to download from US iTunes. Otherwise you can buy it in UK iTunes or watch it online on SKY 1.
Friday, 13 November 2009
Lesbian adopters on This Morning
With everything that’s been going on, I forgot to mention that it’s adoption week! There was a very nice piece about a lesbian couple on This Morning which you can watch here. Amy and Angela did a great job. They said on the interview that they wanted to make a difference and I’m sure they will.
Thursday, 12 November 2009
A mysterious visit arranged
Yesterday I emailed Miranda to ask if she’d heard from the social worker of the boy we’ve been enquiring about and also to ask her what she thought of him now that she’s had a chance to look at his profile. She rang me back a few hours later to tell me that she’s spoken to the social worker and they have agreed to exchange full profiles. They seem to have had a good conversation and discussed some of the issues that the boy’s social worker and I discussed when we spoke. Miranda said that she hadn’t heard at all from the social workers of the other children we’d enquired about and basically to forget about them, as it has been quite a while. So basically we’re only in the running for this child. It’s quite annoying to see that some of those other children we enquired about are still being profiled in the childspotting magazines. It means that the reason they haven’t got back to us is not that they’ve been placed, but that they are still family finding for them but we’re not being considered. It would be nice to at least get some feedback indicating why we’re not in the running, but I guess that’s too much to ask for.
Miranda then mentioned there was a child from our local authority that she couldn’t say anything about there and then but that she wants to speak to us about. She asked if she can see us next week so we’ve arranged a visit. She’s being very cagey so we have no idea what this is about. We can’t help wondering if the fact that we’re taking the other boy seriously (or that we’re being taken seriously by his social worker) has suddenly made her get in action. After all, she did say that our local authority wanted to keep us for their own children. Whatever the reason, we’re quite intrigued and looking forward to her visit next week!
Miranda then mentioned there was a child from our local authority that she couldn’t say anything about there and then but that she wants to speak to us about. She asked if she can see us next week so we’ve arranged a visit. She’s being very cagey so we have no idea what this is about. We can’t help wondering if the fact that we’re taking the other boy seriously (or that we’re being taken seriously by his social worker) has suddenly made her get in action. After all, she did say that our local authority wanted to keep us for their own children. Whatever the reason, we’re quite intrigued and looking forward to her visit next week!
Tuesday, 10 November 2009
“Billy is my boyfriend”
I was at the school where I volunteer yesterday and one of the boys really made me laugh but also wonder about what we’ll have to face as gay parents. At one point, one of the girls was hugging this little boy and I asked him (in a rather heterosexist way, I will admit) if she was his girlfriend. He replied “no, Billy is my boyfriend”. Billy is another boy in the class. They are all 4 years old. I had to really suppress a laugh. Then I started thinking: if a child of ours had said that, we’d we worried that his environment was making him have a “warped” idea of relationships. Or if he’d said that in front of other adults or a social worker we’d be worried about what they were thinking. As it is, it’s just one of those comments that kids make, nothing else. But I can just see me overthinking something like that for hours on end!
Monday, 9 November 2009
No contact between the social workers yet
I spoke to Miranda of Friday. She hasn’t heard from the social worker of the boy we’ve been discussing, but she will contact her to send our PAR. I told her they won’t be shortlisting for a while as they want to see if there is any interest from the feature in one of the magazines. She doesn’t think that he will attract many enquiries because of his age. I asked her about making enquiries about different children and she says that we should keep looking until something’s firmer. She didn’t say anything about anything happening on her side, so we can probably assume that the potential links she was following are not going any further.
Thursday, 5 November 2009
A day full of possibilities
Yesterday I had an email from the social worker who looks after one of the boys we’d enquired about, the one whose cultural background we thought was close to ours and I mentioned last week. It turns out he may have an inherited mental condition as well as several cognitive problems and issues at school, but I forwarded the email to Glen to ask him what he thought.
I also rang the social worker who is family finding for the other boy we’d enquired about (the one that Glen felt quite connected to when we first looked at his online profile). I’d been trying to reach her for a couple of days with no luck, but this time I managed to find her. She gave me a lot of background on the boy and asked me a few questions about us. I told her we weren’t put off by some of the history and background that the boy has, and she told me that they were interested in us! She will ask Miranda for our PAR, but he’s going to be featured in one of the childspotting magazines and they’ll wait to see what the response is before making any decisions. She has promised to keep me informed of whether they decide to link him to any prospective adopters, though. On the way home I spoke to Glen to update him on my conversation with the social worker. I also asked him what he thought of the other boy whose details I had forwarded to him and we both agreed to let his social worker know we’re concentrating on another child.
To round off the day, when I got home there was a letter from the Adoption Register with the invitation to one of their exchange days! We have decided to go and have booked a day off so we can attend. I emailed Miranda to update her on the day’s events, but she hasn’t replied yet.
It’s quite hard not to count chickens before they’re hatched, but we’re trying to be quite rational about this. It’s the first positive response we’ve had to our profile. We’ll see whether they are still interested when they get our full report. Even if the possible link with this boy fails (fingers crossed it won’t!), at least it’s nice to know that people can be interested in you.
I also rang the social worker who is family finding for the other boy we’d enquired about (the one that Glen felt quite connected to when we first looked at his online profile). I’d been trying to reach her for a couple of days with no luck, but this time I managed to find her. She gave me a lot of background on the boy and asked me a few questions about us. I told her we weren’t put off by some of the history and background that the boy has, and she told me that they were interested in us! She will ask Miranda for our PAR, but he’s going to be featured in one of the childspotting magazines and they’ll wait to see what the response is before making any decisions. She has promised to keep me informed of whether they decide to link him to any prospective adopters, though. On the way home I spoke to Glen to update him on my conversation with the social worker. I also asked him what he thought of the other boy whose details I had forwarded to him and we both agreed to let his social worker know we’re concentrating on another child.
To round off the day, when I got home there was a letter from the Adoption Register with the invitation to one of their exchange days! We have decided to go and have booked a day off so we can attend. I emailed Miranda to update her on the day’s events, but she hasn’t replied yet.
It’s quite hard not to count chickens before they’re hatched, but we’re trying to be quite rational about this. It’s the first positive response we’ve had to our profile. We’ll see whether they are still interested when they get our full report. Even if the possible link with this boy fails (fingers crossed it won’t!), at least it’s nice to know that people can be interested in you.
Tuesday, 3 November 2009
How do you define “culture”?
I recently saw the profile of a child that says that prospective adopters “must be familiar with North east England culture”. According to Wikipedia, culture is “the set of shared attitudes, values, goals, and practices that characterizes an institution, organization or group”. Good. Glad we got that sorted. Are the attitudes, values, goals and practices of someone living in the North East of England really that different from those of someone living elsewhere in the country? Will a child from the North East of England really feel like he doesn’t belong if he is brought up in Devon, for example? Are the cultural differences between regions of the same country really that important? Is it really a hurdle that he won’t be able to overcome? I think it’s too restrictive and it’s limiting the number of potential adopters that could be offering that child a home. But what do I know?
Saturday, 31 October 2009
Maybe next year
Tonight is Halloween. When I was growing up in Spain, All Soul’s Day was a religious day, when people remembered those who have passed away. This is changing now (US TV and film influence) and now some kids dress up and parties are arranged, although this is still quite small. Here in the UK it’s much bigger than in Spain, although I gather that it’s also US-influenced. Anyway, Halloween has always passed me by. We get a few chocolates for the neighbours’ kids and that’s pretty much it. I was just thinking this morning that maybe this time next year we’ll be carving pumpkins, dressing our kid(s) up, getting together with the neighbours, going trick or treating... Maybe next year...
Friday, 30 October 2009
A fellow prospective gay adopter blog
Yesterday I found this blog from Paul and Joe, two prospective gay adopters who also live in the UK.
http://likelydads.com/
They are right at the beginning of their process. You may want to check it out.
One article that Paul links to and I hadn’t seen before is this one about Barnardo’s calling for more gay couples to adopt. You can find the article here.
http://likelydads.com/
They are right at the beginning of their process. You may want to check it out.
One article that Paul links to and I hadn’t seen before is this one about Barnardo’s calling for more gay couples to adopt. You can find the article here.
Thursday, 29 October 2009
I should be in Canada, but I’m not.
Back in April I mentioned that I was planning a work trip for October but when I rang Miranda to ask if she thought it would be OK she said “I wouldn’t do it”. She thought that because of the fact that we are willing to consider a sibling group, we were likely to be matched by now. Well, today I should have been in Canada. Glen could have joined me there and we’d have taken a few days off to explore.
It’s not only the fact that it’s annoying I could be on a nice trip that’s frustrating. Because of what Miranda said, in our minds we had October as a date in our heads when things would have begun to happen and we’ve had to adjust to this. In fact we’re a bit on the opposite side now, wondering if it’s going to happen at all next year! I know these things come in waves, so I’m sure we’ll be more optimistic if we hear back from any of the potential links we’re exploring. It would help if Miranda replied to any of the messages I have sent her in the last week...
It’s not only the fact that it’s annoying I could be on a nice trip that’s frustrating. Because of what Miranda said, in our minds we had October as a date in our heads when things would have begun to happen and we’ve had to adjust to this. In fact we’re a bit on the opposite side now, wondering if it’s going to happen at all next year! I know these things come in waves, so I’m sure we’ll be more optimistic if we hear back from any of the potential links we’re exploring. It would help if Miranda replied to any of the messages I have sent her in the last week...
Wednesday, 28 October 2009
More childspotting
With all these posts about the press, I’ve not mentioned much about our own progress. Not that there’s much progress to report. Last Friday I had a look at one of the childspotting online services and found the details of a boy. I showed the profile to Glen and he felt really connected to the child, which hasn’t happened before. We tried to enquire about him online but the facility to do so wasn’t working, so I rang the office that run the service and they gave me the boy’s social worker’s details. I tried to ring her but got no reply, so I emailed her. I also emailed Miranda to let her know we’d enquired about him. Yesterday we also enquired about another boy from a different childspotting service. He’s quite a good match from a cultural point of view, so we think we may be more attractive to his social worker. It’s weird, I feel a bit like we’re betraying one child by enquiring about another, but at the end of the day we never hear from their social workers so it would be silly to enquire about just one child at a time.
Tuesday, 27 October 2009
Sharp rise in children being taken into care
A friend sent me this article from last Tuesday’s Guardian. Basically local authorities would rather cover their backs and put children into care rather than face another case like Baby Peter. I suppose these things go in waves and I expect the next thing will be a high-profile case where a child has been taken into care unnecessarily and the tide will turn again until somehow things even up.
The article is here.
The article is here.
Monday, 26 October 2009
The Rise of the Gay Dad
Here’s a very positive article that appeared in yesterday’s Observer:
Link to article.
and a nice video clip to go with it:
Link to video clip.
It's nice to see positive stories in the media!
Link to article.
and a nice video clip to go with it:
Link to video clip.
It's nice to see positive stories in the media!
Thursday, 22 October 2009
I Just Haven’t Met You Yet
My friend G posted this on her blog and I am blatantly copying her idea here. The lyrics to the new Michael Bublé single “Haven’t Met You Yet” are about him fantasising about a relationship with a girl he’s yet to meet. However they work very well in the context of adopting, don’t you think?
I'm not surprised
not everything lasts
I’ve broken my heart so many times,
I stop keeping track.
Talk myself in
I talk myself out
I get all worked up
and then I let myself down.
I tried so very hard not to lose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought I thought of every possibility
And I know someday that it'll all turn out
you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
and I promise you kid that I’ll give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet
I might have to wait
I’ll never give up
I guess it's half timing
and the other half's luck
Wherever you are
whenever it's right
you come out of nowhere and into my life
And I know that we can be so amazing
and baby your love is gonna change me
and now I can see every possibility
And somehow I know that it will all turn out
and you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
and I promise you kid I’ll give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet
They say all's fair
and in love and war
but I won't need to fight it
we'll get it right
and we'll be united
And I know that we can be so amazing
and being in your life is gonna change me
and now I can see every single possibility
And someday I know it'll all turn out
and I’ll work to work it out
promise you kid I’ll give more than I get
yeah I just haven't met you yet
Here’s the video for the song (he’s made another video for it, but his girlfriend’s in it so this one works better for the adoption interpretation of the lyrics).
I'm not surprised
not everything lasts
I’ve broken my heart so many times,
I stop keeping track.
Talk myself in
I talk myself out
I get all worked up
and then I let myself down.
I tried so very hard not to lose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought I thought of every possibility
And I know someday that it'll all turn out
you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
and I promise you kid that I’ll give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet
I might have to wait
I’ll never give up
I guess it's half timing
and the other half's luck
Wherever you are
whenever it's right
you come out of nowhere and into my life
And I know that we can be so amazing
and baby your love is gonna change me
and now I can see every possibility
And somehow I know that it will all turn out
and you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
and I promise you kid I’ll give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet
They say all's fair
and in love and war
but I won't need to fight it
we'll get it right
and we'll be united
And I know that we can be so amazing
and being in your life is gonna change me
and now I can see every single possibility
And someday I know it'll all turn out
and I’ll work to work it out
promise you kid I’ll give more than I get
yeah I just haven't met you yet
Here’s the video for the song (he’s made another video for it, but his girlfriend’s in it so this one works better for the adoption interpretation of the lyrics).
Monday, 19 October 2009
Childspotting again
Last Friday I woke up feeling like we need to be a lot more proactive if we want to be matched. I know we’d decided to let our social worker and the local authority do their thing for a year before starting to really look through the magazines, sending our profile out to social workers etc, but we had such a negative impression last Sunday of how things aren’t moving at all, that if we don’t do anything about it, nothing may happen at all. The sibling group that we’d asked Miranda to enquire about appeared again on this month’s magazine, which means that their social worker has probably looked at our profile and decided that it was worth advertising them for longer rather than getting more information about us.
So Glen and I had a chat and decided to subscribe to another of the childspotting services. I had a look at the profiles and immediately printed the profile of 2 boys. I showed it to Glen and he agreed that on paper they looked like a good possibility, so I sent an online enquiry about them. I emailed Miranda to let her know that we’d sent the enquiry and she replied (quite quickly) to acknowledge my message and also said that she is talking to several authorities via the Adoption Register. We’re a bit puzzled by this as last Sunday she intimated that there was nothing for us. Is this her way of letting us know that something is in the pipeline? Or just her reaction to our proactive approach to family finding, suddenly keen to show that she is also doing her bit as well? We’ll see.
So Glen and I had a chat and decided to subscribe to another of the childspotting services. I had a look at the profiles and immediately printed the profile of 2 boys. I showed it to Glen and he agreed that on paper they looked like a good possibility, so I sent an online enquiry about them. I emailed Miranda to let her know that we’d sent the enquiry and she replied (quite quickly) to acknowledge my message and also said that she is talking to several authorities via the Adoption Register. We’re a bit puzzled by this as last Sunday she intimated that there was nothing for us. Is this her way of letting us know that something is in the pipeline? Or just her reaction to our proactive approach to family finding, suddenly keen to show that she is also doing her bit as well? We’ll see.
Tuesday, 13 October 2009
Adopters’ day out
Last Sunday we went to an adopters’ day out that our local authority organises every year at a nearby amusement park. I had queried with our social worker whether we had been invited by mistake, as we have obviously not adopted yet, and she said that we should come as it would be good to meet other adopters and chat with them. We figured it would be a bit like going to the New Family Social get-togethers, so we agreed to go and paid the corresponding fee.
When we got there we were told that we were the only couple who hadn’t adopted yet (there was also a single prospective adopter). The room was full of parents and kids. We sat at a table with two couples and their children. One of the couples was R&A, whom we met at preparation groups and see quite regularly. The other couple were very nice and have two gorgeous boys. We chatted to them about their own process and our own. It was really weird to have a conversation with someone you’ve literally just met about how long they waited, how it was going, etc., but it was nice to meet them.
Miranda came over to talk to us and we mentioned the profile she’d sent us last week. She hadn’t been to the office and hadn’t read our reply. It turns out she’d completely forgotten she had sent us the profile at all! After we reminded her, she agreed that the boy in question had too many issues but said that she’d sent it to us anyway because she “wanted to be sure”. We asked about the two sibling groups that we’d discussed the last time she came to visit us. She replied that she hadn’t heard anything back about either group.
We briefly said hello and chatted to the only other gay couple that have been approved by our local authority. They were there with their daughter, who’s really sweet. We also saw Miranda’s supervisor, who asked us how the wait was going. She said that she thought it was unlikely that we’ll be matched with a child that’s not from our local authority (which we read as “who’s going to want you other than us”?). Then Miranda introduced us to the other prospective adopter that had come along. She’s single and has been waiting for two years. We chatted about what it’s like to wait, putting your life on hold, the frustration… in the end we were the last three people in the room, so the social workers came to tell us it was time to go. We jokingly said that we weren’t going until they’d found us some children!
When we left Glen thought the afternoon had gone exactly as he thought it would. I was so annoyed and frustrated I could have cried. Not only were we made to go and sit with a whole load of people who have successfully adopted (Bridget Jones would no doubt make a reference to being a singleton in a room full of “smug marrieds” – absolutely nothing against the lovely people we talked to but at the end of the day they’ve got what we’re waiting for) but also then introduced to someone who is, understandably, quite bitter about our local authority and how long she’s had to wait. Add to that the comment from the supervisor about the likelihood of us adopting from elsewhere and it’s just such a bleak picture that it’s depressing. The funniest thing is that yesterday was also the day for the New Family Social get together (which we obviously couldn’t attend because we were at this adopters’ day out). The contrast between the positive atmosphere and mix of adopters and would-be adopters that you find there, and the experience of last Sunday couldn’t have been any bigger. I think the biggest difference between both events is not so much the fact that one is aimed at gay and lesbian adopters, but the fact that one is organised by adopters and the other by social workers.
Incidentally, one thing that became clear through the different conversations we had with several people throughout the day is that nobody likes Miranda when they first meet her! Whenever we mentioned she is our social worker people had a look on their faces that seemed to say “poor you”… so at least we know we weren’t the only ones who found her had to warm to at first.
When we got there we were told that we were the only couple who hadn’t adopted yet (there was also a single prospective adopter). The room was full of parents and kids. We sat at a table with two couples and their children. One of the couples was R&A, whom we met at preparation groups and see quite regularly. The other couple were very nice and have two gorgeous boys. We chatted to them about their own process and our own. It was really weird to have a conversation with someone you’ve literally just met about how long they waited, how it was going, etc., but it was nice to meet them.
Miranda came over to talk to us and we mentioned the profile she’d sent us last week. She hadn’t been to the office and hadn’t read our reply. It turns out she’d completely forgotten she had sent us the profile at all! After we reminded her, she agreed that the boy in question had too many issues but said that she’d sent it to us anyway because she “wanted to be sure”. We asked about the two sibling groups that we’d discussed the last time she came to visit us. She replied that she hadn’t heard anything back about either group.
We briefly said hello and chatted to the only other gay couple that have been approved by our local authority. They were there with their daughter, who’s really sweet. We also saw Miranda’s supervisor, who asked us how the wait was going. She said that she thought it was unlikely that we’ll be matched with a child that’s not from our local authority (which we read as “who’s going to want you other than us”?). Then Miranda introduced us to the other prospective adopter that had come along. She’s single and has been waiting for two years. We chatted about what it’s like to wait, putting your life on hold, the frustration… in the end we were the last three people in the room, so the social workers came to tell us it was time to go. We jokingly said that we weren’t going until they’d found us some children!
When we left Glen thought the afternoon had gone exactly as he thought it would. I was so annoyed and frustrated I could have cried. Not only were we made to go and sit with a whole load of people who have successfully adopted (Bridget Jones would no doubt make a reference to being a singleton in a room full of “smug marrieds” – absolutely nothing against the lovely people we talked to but at the end of the day they’ve got what we’re waiting for) but also then introduced to someone who is, understandably, quite bitter about our local authority and how long she’s had to wait. Add to that the comment from the supervisor about the likelihood of us adopting from elsewhere and it’s just such a bleak picture that it’s depressing. The funniest thing is that yesterday was also the day for the New Family Social get together (which we obviously couldn’t attend because we were at this adopters’ day out). The contrast between the positive atmosphere and mix of adopters and would-be adopters that you find there, and the experience of last Sunday couldn’t have been any bigger. I think the biggest difference between both events is not so much the fact that one is aimed at gay and lesbian adopters, but the fact that one is organised by adopters and the other by social workers.
Incidentally, one thing that became clear through the different conversations we had with several people throughout the day is that nobody likes Miranda when they first meet her! Whenever we mentioned she is our social worker people had a look on their faces that seemed to say “poor you”… so at least we know we weren’t the only ones who found her had to warm to at first.
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