Happy (gay) father’s day!

It’s 19th March today and therefore St. Joseph’s day. In Spain it’s father’s day, so it couldn’t have been better timing when we got the call from Miranda this afternoon to tell us that the decision maker at the placing authority has confirmed the panel’s recommendation for the match with Boy H. It’s now official! Although we’d been told that it was almost certain that this would be the case, it was fantastic to have the confirmation. We should get a letter tomorrow or Monday, and shortly after we should get the matching certificate, which is the official bit of paper that will allow us to apply for paternity and adoption leave from our employers. It’s really happening. We are so excited.

Moving to a new family and having two dads

As the date for introductions approaches (less than three weeks now!), one big consideration is the fact that Boy H has to be told that he is moving on from his foster home to a family. We talked to the foster carer about this. I expressed my concern about how H would feel about it: after all he’s been in a home where he’s been really looked after and where he feels comfortable and safe. Why would he want to move? The foster carer explained to me that H has always known that his current home is a temporary one, and as much as he likes it there he’s really looking forward to moving on to his new family. He has been in that foster home for over two years, and he’s seen other children move on from the home to go and live with their new families. Apparently, when people visit the house he tells them all about how he’s hoping to be adopted soon.

In a recent conversation in the house about moving on to a new family, it was mentioned that a new family could be defined in a number of ways: it could be a mum and a dad, or just one mum or one dad, two mums or two dads. The foster carer told us that he was intrigued by all these possibilities. He saw a little girl who was in the same foster home go to a new family of two mums and apparently he liked the idea of having two mums, so the foster carer has been doing some work about adoption by same-sex couples using the book “Dad David, Baba Chris and Me”, which tells the story of a boy who is adopted by a male mixed-race couple. She also told us that the other day he said that he didn’t think he liked the idea of having two dads, but when she replied that two dads meant two people to play football with instead of one, he changed his mind! I guess this is something that she will work on more as she prepares to tell him and show him our introductions book. He won’t be told about us until a few days before we meet him, so that his excitement and expectations can be managed well.

We really like the book “And Tango Makes Three”, in which two male penguins hatch an egg and bring up Tango the penguin as a family. We have given H’s social worker a copy of it to pass on to his foster carer so she can read it with him and explore the concept of having two dads with it as well. We have also bought a penguin cuddly toy, which we included in the photos of the house we took for the introductions book and we’re planning to give him when we meet him for the first time. We hope he likes them and they help!

One week later...

I can’t believe it’s really been a week already since panel. In a way a lot has happened and in many others not enough. After talking to some parents who take their children to both of the schools we had shortlisted, we have chosen a school and applied for a place. We have also finished the introduction DVD and sent it together with the book and a puzzle we had made with our picture. This is because H likes puzzles and it’s meant to be good to help him become familiar with our faces.
I have been telling lots of people at work and nobody suspected a thing, of course, so there’s been many a surprised face. The reaction has been very good (at least to my face!). In fact one of my colleagues “came out” as an adopter when I told her. She has mentioned her child before, but she’s never told anyone at work that her child is adopted. It occurred to me that we can’t really hide the fact that H is adopted. Well, people may wonder if he’s the product of a previous relationship, but we are a lot more likely to be asked than a mum and dad out with their child. Anyway, it will be great to have someone else around who knows what adoption is like!

I can’t remember if I mentioned this, but I will be the one taking adoption leave. Glen’s job can guarantee that he will have a job if he takes the leave, but not that he can come back to the same post. My work is better for that (although possibly not as good when it comes to some of the terms and pay) so that helped to make the decision. It’s weird to think that I will be away from work for a few months. I’m actually looking forward to it! H will be going to school shortly after he comes to live with us, so it was tempting to just be off work for three months (the time I’m on almost full pay) and then go back to work, but because we don’t know how well he will settle I’ll be applying for a whole year’s leave and then go back early if all goes well. At least we’ll have the choice.

We still haven’t had the letter from the agency decision maker confirming the match. Miranda says this should happen very soon. It’s meant to be within 7 working days of panel, so by Friday at the latest I guess! Can’t wait to see it in black and white.

We are going to be daddies!

Yesterday was panel date. We surprised ourselves by sleeping through the night even though we were expecting to be up half the night unable to sleep with nerves! We got ready and set off for the town hall offices of the placing authority. We’d estimated it would take us about an hour and 45 minutes to get there, but traffic was quite heavy and it took us an extra half an hour to arrive so we made it literally just in time. Miranda was waiting for us with Boy H’s social worker and family finder, as well as a trainee social worker whom we’d agreed could be present. Panel was running a few minutes late, so we had an opportunity to get ourselves together, as we’d got a bit stressed thinking we might be late and trying to find a parking space.

While we waited for the social workers to be called in, we had an update from the birth family situation: they have written to the local authority to say that they think it’s “not natural” for a boy to be brought up by two men and that this is in breach of the boy’s human rights. This is coming from the people whose behaviour towards the child led to him being removed from their care. We’re guessing his human rights weren’t their priority at the time. The local authority didn’t seem too concerned about this. They will write to them to explain what the situation is and what their options are: they can either go to court to challenge the placing order or accept the fact. We will see.

The social workers were called into the panel meeting and five minutes later a panel adviser came to talk to us to make sure that we understood the process. She said that the social workers should be in for somewhere between 30 and 45 minutes and that afterwards the panel chair would come out, let us know what questions they want to ask us, and then we would meet the panel. Then she re-joined the panel and we were left on our own. We went through the notes we had taken to prepare for any possible questions about Glen’s family, gay adoption, attachment, bullying and just waited. 40 minutes after the social workers went in, the advisor came out again to let us know that panel was being very thorough and it was taking a bit longer than expected, but they hoped to call us in soon. We didn’t really know how to take the fact that it was taking longer than planned, so we tried to stay calm. Ten minutes later the panel chair and the advisor came into the waiting room. They were very smiley, which was reassuring. They told us that everything was really positive and that for the first time ever in that panel they had no questions to ask other than for us to comment on why we thought this was a good match. They said that any other questions they may have had had been addressed by our very thorough “adopters’ views” report that we’d been asked to send in advance.

We went into the panel room and were introduced to every member. There were 12 people around the table (we think – we didn’t count at the time!) including Miranda, Boy H’s social worker and family finder, the trainee social worker, independent panel members, the medical adviser, an adopter and foster carer (but not Boy H’s foster carer), the legal adviser, a councillor, the note-taker and the chair! Like we’d been told, they asked us to comment on why we thought this was a good match and we told them what attracted us to Boy H when we saw his profile online, how every piece of information we’d had since had only made us more certain that this was a good match, and listed what we thought we can offer him, including a stable relationship, one to one attention, a good support network, good training on attachment, and experience of children of a similar age though our volunteer work. Everyone nodded along and smiled (well, one of the members didn’t smile at all but we tried to ignore her) as we spoke and then we were given the opportunity to say anything we thought we should say in support of the match. I started to say how much we wanted to offer Boy H a good home but I got a bit emotional and couldn’t finish, so Glen finished for me. After that we were asked to leave while they made a decision.

We waited in the waiting room again and I felt so stupid for getting choked up! At this point Glen got a bit emotional too, but of course he managed to do it when not in front of the panel! A couple of minutes later the chair, the advisor, and the social workers came to the room and told us that they were very happy to let us know that the panel was unanimously recommending our approval. We were so relieved and happy! I sort of went a bit numb after that. It was quite surreal to hear that something you’ve wanted so much is going to finally happen. Anyway, we were reminded that the panel’s decision is only a recommendation and told the decision maker would make the final decision within seven working days. They hastened to point out it’s highly unlikely that this will be any different from the panel decision unless any new and relevant information came to light about Boy H or us.

We thanked everyone and agreed to deliver the introductions book and DVD to H’s social worker by Monday. We’re also having a puzzle made with our picture as he really likes puzzles and it’s a good way for him to familiarise himself with us. After everyone left, we grabbed a hot drink in the cafeteria with Miranda, who told us how panel had taken longer than planned as H’s permanence report was a bit out of date and panel asked lots of questions about what had changed since it was written. Other than that there had been no major obstacles, just clarifications about Glen’s family, and the female role models in our network. We thanked her again for all her work and dedication and said goodbye.

We got in the car and I texted all our family members and friends while Glen drove. I then spent the whole journey back replying to texts and taking phonecalls to both our mobiles. We had really moving responses and support from everyone and we were quite overwhelmed. When we got home we rang our families and then went for a meal out to celebrate with some friends. I meant to update the blog last night but we had such a long and exhausting day that I was too tired to string a sentence together, let alone type all this!

We are incredibly happy. This is the moment we’ve been looking forward to for over two years (and beyond). And it’s coming true. We are going to be daddies!

The day before matching panel

We spent the weekend finishing putting together Boy H’s bedroom furniture so we could take pictures of his room and include them in the introductions book. We also put up a “Ben 10” poster (as one does) because apparently he loves Ben 10. I sent Miranda a draft of the book and she liked it. She asked us to change one of the pictures because she thought it looked too formal (we were wearing suits and ties because it was taken at a friend’s wedding) so we did and finalised it. We are hoping to record the DVD this weekend.

We are both a nervous about panel tomorrow. This morning we received a “Good Luck” card from some friends and we were really moved by it. All the little good luck messages and texts mean so much. We’ve had so much support in this process, it’s been really amazing. Everyone is keeping their fingers crossed and waiting to hear from us tomorrow. I think this is partly because we’ve refused to give Boy H’s name to anyone, so our friends and family want the decision to come so they can finally find out! Glen did let it slip twice, though, but we're not counting that.

So, tomorrow. I think we’re ready. All the signs from the social workers are positive, and we’ve prepared the answers to the most obvious questions. We’re still nervous but looking forward to it. Our lives will change tomorrow regardless of the outcome. The enormity of this is hard to describe. If it’s a “no” we’ll need to grieve for the loss of Boy H and consider whether we can go through this again. If it’s a “yes” then (if all goes well with introductions and there's no further threat of impediment from the birth parents) we’ll become dads to a 6-year old little boy. One thing we definitely have in common with him is that we’ve been waiting years to have a family. And tomorrow we find out if the wait is over.

Keep your fingers crossed for us!

Visits to the last prospective school and to his current school

On Friday we went to visit the fourth and last of the prospective schools we identified for Boy H. This one is quite local to us (about a 15-20 minute walk or short bike ride) and it’s a big school, with over 400 students. It’s quite similar in numbers and location to the one we visited on Thursday, but we were much more impressed with it. The kids seemed to really be happy there and the person we spoke to asked all the right questions and took an interest in Boy H and his educational and personal development so far. So we’ve narrowed down our list to the first school we visited (Glen’s favourite) and the last one (my favourite as it’s local and the kids who attend it live on our street and surrounding area).

In the afternoon we drove to where Boy H currently lives to visit his current school. The drive took a bit less than we anticipated and we ended up getting there just as the kids were leaving school (we were supposed to arrive after all the kids had gone to avoid seeing Boy H or him seeing us). We did a quick u-turn and drove off quickly to a nearby cafe we found and waited for the right time to come. It was really weird seeing all these kids pouring out of the school in the uniform we’ve seen H wearing in the photos we were shown. I was desperately trying not to look (and not to be seen) but at the same time hoping to catch a glimpse!

At the right time we returned to the school and met with the head, Boy H’s foster carer, and his social worker. We talked to them about the two schools we’ve shortlisted and they could see positive points about both. Boy H’s social worker took notes and will get in touch with one of the LACESS (Looked After Children Education Support Service) people in our local authority to ask for their advice, which will be very helpful, but the final decision will be ours.

The headteacher was really nice. She apologised on behalf of his class teacher, who really wanted to be there but couldn’t. We heard about his behaviour when he first joined and how this has changed thanks to all the work the foster carer and the school have put in. They told us the strategies they used to deal with some of the more disruptive behaviours. He doesn’t behave like that anymore, but the possibility of regressing when (if) he joins us is very likely, so it would help us to use the same strategies that they did. They gave us copies of his latest school and support reports and the foster carer also gave us some more pictures, which are great.

We walked around the school and went into his classroom. It was really strange to be in a space where he is every week and to see his name on the board. Then they actually showed us his literacy and maths workbooks, so we got to see his handwriting. It was quite a special moment. It’s was touching and special to see something like that from a child you are hoping to adopt soon but have never met.

I thought the meeting would last 45 minutes or so but we were there over two hours, which was brilliant. We thought it was really useful and we learnt so much about him that we feel better prepared for when we eventually meet him should everything go OK at matching panel on Wednesday.

To finish off a rather full day, we went to dinner to our friends G&S’s house. After a long wait, things are finally moving for them and on Thursday they had a meeting with the social worker who looks after the three children they are hoping to adopt. They got up-to-date information and got to see a DVD of the kids. Everything is now taking shape and they should be going to panel and do introductions a couple of weeks after we do. Exciting times for our adoption journeys!

Another two schools

Our search for a school for Boy H continues. On Tuesday we went to see a second school and today we visited our third. The second school was our favourite when we made our shortlist of local schools. It’s a Church of England school and it’s very similar in size to the one that Boy H attends at the moment. It has good SATs scores and a good reputation. It’s also a short drive from our house. When we got there the headmistress looked really stressed. I thought there must have been some sort of emergency going on, but then it dawned on us that that’s her permanent state. She whizzed us around the school, talking more about their plans to expand the building than about what they do or their achievements. As we walked around, the kids seemed to be completely bored, and the atmosphere felt quite chaotic. At one point, whilst talking to us, the headmistress started telling a kid off, who just ignored her and kept on walking as she spoke. We weren’t introduced to any of the teachers, and she made a point of telling us that the school was full. Should we choose that school, Boy H could be force allocated to it as he’s a looked-after child, and she stressed that other parents would be against it as it would take their class size for his year to over 30 students. When we asked how the school would support Boy H in case there were any issues with him having two dads, she replied that some of the parents in the school hold “certain views” and it would probably be best not to advertise it. We smiled, thanked her for her time, walked out, looked at one another, and agreed that would be the last school we would want to send our son to. The whole thing was awful, and we didn’t know whether she was just useless or actually trying to put us off. She never actually asked us a single question about H: not the type of school he’s currently at, how he’s progressing there, not even his name! She just kept referring to him as “the child”.

The third school we visited today was a much larger school with over 400 students. It’s a 10-minute walk from our house, which is a big plus! We met the deputy head as the headmaster was showing someone else around. She was very nice and showed us the facilities and the classrooms. It was break time, so we didn’t get to see how engaged the kids were with their classroom activities, but they seemed to be well-behaved and the atmosphere was nice. They currently have a looked-after child in the school and one of the kids in the older groups has two mums. This has led to some confrontations (but she told us these were always in response to this child being aggressive and the other kids answering back), and he’s never been bullied because of it. She was happy for the social workers to get in touch if necessary and seemed to have a good idea of the kind of support they could offer H. We felt the school was certainly an option, but nowhere near as nice as the first school we visited last week.

We have one more school to visit tomorrow and we’re also going to Boy H’s current school, where we’ll be able to find out a lot more about his school needs. We’ll be attending the meeting with his social worker and foster carer, so we’re really looking forward to finding out more about him.

In other news, we’ve been trying to find the time to put all the furniture together for his bedroom so we can take pictures of it and add them to the introductions book, which is half-done. We haven’t stated on the DVD because Glen woke up with a huge cold sore on his lip the other day and he doesn’t really want to be filmed looking like he’s got three lips!

Miranda rang to let us know that the panel medical advisor had received our medical reports and all was good. We’ve received the invitation to attend panel and we confirmed that we would straight away. Less than a week to go now! We’ve managed to stay very calm so far, so let’s hope we can keep it that way until Wednesday.

Visit to possible school

We visited a possible school for Boy H on Friday morning. We have shortlisted four schools and this one was at the bottom of our list as it’s the one that’s furthest away from the house (so we would need to drive him and the kids he meets at school won’t be local to our area) and it’s on the three-tier rather than the two-tier system (most schools in our area are on the two-tier system of primary and secondary schools as opposed to the three-tier system of lower/middle/upper school). On the plus side we know it’s a good school academically, but of course we have other considerations when choosing a school (such as their experience of looked-after children and the support they can provide). So anyway, we thought that since it was our least favourite ‘on paper’, it would be great to visit that one first to get some experience of visiting schools, meeting heads, asking questions etc. Well, we absolutely loved the school. The staff were brilliant, the school is not tiny but it’s not huge. The lower school is right next to it and all the kids move from lower to middle school at the same time, so any friends he’s made would be in the same group as him). It had a really good atmosphere. We watched every class and the kids seemed to be engaged and not bored. In fact we saw kids that I’d met in the nursery I volunteered at (I was really surprised they remembered me since they left last year!) and also a kid that used to be in Glen’s beaver dam. When we spoke to the headmistress she seemed to be really frank, thorough and interested in Boy H. To top it all, his teacher would be a woman who has two adopted children, so she’s very aware of the challenges of adoption and the behaviours of adopted children! We are absolutely delighted, but of course we have another three schools to visit, so we won’t make our minds up until we have. We’re also visiting Boy H’s current school next week, so we’ll be able to ask a lot of questions then. We will make the decision about which school he will go to with the input from his local authority and social workers, so their opinion will matter as well.

News from the birth parents and progress

Miranda has got in touch: Boy H’s social worker has spoken to his parents again. They still are not keen on meeting us but the good news is that they haven’t gone to a solicitor (yet). We think this is good as we (and the social workers) feel that if they were going to go to a solicitor it would probably have been in the heat of the moment straight after being told, so we see the fact that they’ve done nothing as positive. Let’s hope it stays that way. It may seem insensitive to hope the birth parents don’t “interfere” with the process, but the thing is that they are not trying to stop Boy H from being adopted (which I would understand). They are against him being adopted by a gay couple, and that does not endear them to us, as you may appreciate.

In the meantime it’s two weeks to panel! We have now been sent the placement plan with the full introductions schedule, the support plan, and the minutes of the placement meeting. We read it them and all seems fine.

We have managed to write a first draft of the introductions book (we did borrow one from fellow adopter friends as an inspiration) and are planning the DVD, although not really sure what to film. We’re also hoping the weather improves so we can take pictures and film in brighter conditions, otherwise Boy H will think we live in complete gloom!

Last day at the nursery

Yesterday I went to the nursery where I’ve been volunteering for the last time. Now that we’re so close to panel and I need to get so much done at work it was getting difficult to make the time. Also, now that we know that we’re hoping to be matched with a 6-year old, getting experience with 4 year olds doesn’t seem so relevant. But I’ve been going for 21 months now and I’ve really enjoyed it and learnt a lot about kids, the way they think and react, what they like and don’t like to do, and just to spend time playing with them. They made a really sweet farewell card for me with their pictures and they all wrote their names on it. I was quite moved when they gave it to me and quite sad to say goodbye. It’s weird to think that of course in a few weeks’ time they won’t even remember me, the way kids forget people they don’t see often. I shall miss them. At least until Boy H moves in, after that I expect I won’t have the time!

A threat from the birth parents and the planning meeting

It’s been a really busy and difficult few days since I posted the last message last week! Last Wednesday we received a phonecall from Miranda explaining that Boy H’s birth parents have been informed of the plan to place their son with a gay couple and are “not keen” (her words). They say that they will consult a solicitor to stop it from happening. Miranda explained that they can oppose the placing order. They cannot use the fact that we are gay as a reason to oppose it and therefore would need to prove that it’s in the child’s best interest not to be placed and remain in foster care, or would have to prove that their circumstances have changed (from what we hear, they haven’t).

Obviously we realise this may come to nothing as they may not actually carry out their threat to go to a solicitor and it may have been a gut reaction upon hearing about it. Even if they do go and speak to a solicitor, they may get legal advice not to proceed. But of course we are quite anxious about it. This is quite difficult to cope with because we do understand the instinct of wanting to keep your child and of wanting the best for him. Obviously they don’t perceive being placed with a gay couple as a good thing for their child and we only wish we could meet them to explain that we want to take care of him, and that we won’t be dressing him in pink glitter, “turn” him gay, make him give up football and play with dolls, or whatever “horrors” they may be imagining being brought up by a gay couple may be like.

We must thank everyone who gave us advice and support on Wednesday as it was a really difficult day and we had a great response from friends and New Family Social members.

Anyway, the following day we had our planning meeting. We met Miranda at a cafe and had a quick drink and catch up about birth family and contact. Then we drove to the council offices and by the time we had parked we were almost 15 minutes late. The planning meeting was quite thorough. As well as Miranda and us, also present were a chairperson, Boy H’s Social worker, his family finder, his foster carer and her link worker. The foster carer had brought more photos, which we were allowed to keep. We planned all of the introductions. We would meet him after Easter and gradually do more and more activities with him. At the weekend the foster carers would bring him to our house and he’s spend at least one night here so that eventually he can move in a couple of weeks after we start introductions. There would be two review meetings in the middle. H will have a say, and if he’s reacting badly his opinion would be taken into consideration, which we’re glad to hear. The last thing we would want is to take a child home who doesn’t want to live with us!

Regarding the birth family, apparently the most likely thing is that they wouldn’t get leave of court to challenge the placement order. However, while this decision is made, there would be a delay to the placement, which is the last thing we want. We can now get in touch with schools and also need to prepare the DVD and book. We also discussed the possibility of getting a passport for him in case an emergency comes up with my family in Spain and we need to travel. The meeting lasted about three house and we were exhausted by the end of it, but really looking forward to everything that’s been planned. From what we understand, in most local authorities you go to matching panel first and then, after the match has been approved, you have the planning meeting. But here it’s the other way around, and making all these plans and decisions was a bit surreal knowing that we haven’t been matched yet. We have to get on with getting his room ready (decorating, furnishing...) so we can take pictures for the introductions book and DVD and start visiting schools for him but still the possibility of being turned down at panel is there, as is the possibility of legal procedure delays. Having got this far and done all this, it will be incredibly difficult and even harder to accept if the matching panel say no. We just have to believe that it will happen, as otherwise we won’t be able to cope with doing all this.

Adopters, paperwork and Daily Mail nightmares

We spent the weekend in full adoption mood. On Friday afternoon two of the couples we met in our preparation groups came over with their adopted children. It was the first time we had met one of them (an almost 2-year old boy) and he was real livewire, going everywhere and keeping everyone on their toes! He’s really sweet and fun. This week we also had news from G&S, our friends who started the process before we did and had a big setback with their match back in August. The kids they had been linked with have finally had the adoption order, so everything’s back on track and they should be going to matching panel early next month, just a few days before we do! On Saturday night we saw another gay couple we met through New Family Social and they’ve also had good news regarding their social worker and been given a matching panel date for the end of the month – so it’s good news all around. In fact they’ve been linked with a sibling group we enquired about (I referred to them as Boy F and Boy G at the time). You don’t normally find out what happened to the children you saw a profile for and never heard back from their social worker, so it’s really nice to know that those boys will be going to a good home.

We spent yesterday reading the psychological reports for Boy H and his birth parents and they really didn’t make for happy reading. Even though we know that the birth parents treated him badly, you can’t help but feel sorry for them as there is so little going for them. We also read the first draft of the placement and support plans, which we commented and fed back on today so they can be taken to the planning meeting on Thursday. And finally we wrote the first draft of the document we’ve been asked to provide with our views on the placement plan and explain why we would make good parents for Boy H. We listed what we think are our strengths and how we would support him. We hope that’s what they are looking for!

Thinking about the birth family obviously was in the back of my mind when I went to sleep. I actually had a nightmare and woke up at 4 this morning. In my nightmare the birth family had been told about us (we know that after panel the local authority are going to tell them about the fact that it’s a gay couple that will be adopting their son) and they sold their story to the Daily Mail, which ran a story about us on their front cover! How’s that for a truly terrifying thought. After everything that happened last year to the gay couple in Scotland I guess it’s a possibility that we’ll have to live with until we know that the birth family have been told and how they react. A remote possibility I hope!

The foster carer

I want to mention Boy H’s foster carer here. I had so many thoughts floating in my head the day she visited that I forgot to write much about her. We were dreading that she’d hate us or that she wouldn’t be so keen on Boy H going to live with a gay couple, and worried that this would have an effect on both whether the local authority went ahead with the match and also on the introductions period. Alas all our fears were unfounded as she really impressed us. When she came over she was very professional in her questions but also warm, friendly and funny. She clearly wanted to make sure that H will be well looked after and we were prepared for the challenges ahead. She also conveyed to us how much she clearly thinks of him and how much she wants him to move on to a good permanent family. As I mentioned at the time, she gave us some pictures of Boy H even though she didn’t have to, and she also gave us her phone number should we have any questions, which I don’t believe she was supposed to do. We were reassured that H has been in a good home whilst in care (and a little intimidated to live up to expectations!) and that intros will be made easier by her and her husband, whom we’ve yet to meet.

Gearing up for the planning meeting

Miranda rang yesterday to ask us for dates to visit Boy H’s current school. We’re going to the local authority next week for the planning meeting and we had hoped to talk to his teachers on the same visit, but and it’s half term so we need to go back another time. We can’t do anything about looking for a school in our area until after the planning meeting when we’ll have a better idea of the timelines of both when he might come to live with us and how long they want him to stay off school settling with us before he goes to his new school.

Miranda told us that she went to the panel for another couple who are adopting from the same local authority last week and she said the panel were very nice and “very human”, so that’s reassuring.

Adoption UK are running a course on attachment next month and we asked Miranda if this was something that might be worth attending, but she doesn’t think there is much point in going for two reasons: she thinks we’ve done our homework (with all the reading we’ve done on attachment and adoption) and are very “in tune” with Boy H (apparently this is what his social workers and foster carer said) and also we’re getting special training from the local authority. This is called Attachment Training Counselling and will require six sessions, of which two will take place after panel but before placement. We’re really pleased about this as obviously we welcome any opportunity for training on attachment (one thing is to read about it and another thing going through it for real) and also because it shows that the local authority are willing to spend money being proactive in supporting their adopters.

We spoke to Miranda again today and she confirmed that she’s received the placement and adoption support plans from Boy H’s social worker. She now has to fill in her bit and then she will send it to us so we can digest it before the planning meeting. Boy H’s family finder also got in touch today to let us know that she’s sent us the psychological reports carried on the birth parents and their children during the care proceedings, which we’re fairly sure won’t make happy reading but it’s something we need to familiarise ourselves with. Obviously the reports will have been edited so that we can only see the parts that refer to Boy H and therefore preserve the privacy of his siblings. She also sent us some paperwork we need to complete. It asks for the prospective adopters’ views on the adoption plan, and we will have to work on it quite carefully as it’s our way of communicating to panel our views on the match, why we think we will make good parents for Boy H, and how we will support him.

It really feels like things are on a roll and we’re really pleased and excited. We’re actually enjoying this part of the process, which we never thought we would. We are now even referring to “when Boy H is here” in our conversations. Last Sunday our friends S&J came over for lunch with their adopted son and we had a lovely time. I could really picture us doing that but with two kids (theirs and ours) in the not too distant future. We really can’t wait. Less than a month until panel now!

Five weeks to go!

It’s five weeks until we go to matching panel and I really wish it was tomorrow. Now that we know much more about boy H and we’ve met his foster carer, we just can’t wait. We’re finding it very hard to concentrate at work, and I’m also struggling with the fact that I haven’t told most of my colleagues. Today we had a meeting in the office to plan our activities for the latter part of this year and I really felt bad talking about my contribution when if all goes to plan I will actually be on adoption leave.

We’ve been so careful so far never to buy anything for when a child lives with us, as we didn’t want to get carried away or take things for granted, but today we actually spent several hundred pounds on furniture to go into Boy H’s room. I know we really should have waited until panel, but unfortunately there is normally a few weeks’ wait for furniture delivery, and if things go to plan we won’t have many weeks from panel to needing to take a picture of the bedroom for the introduction book, so we thought “what the hell” and just went ahead and ordered it all. It really is madness to buy furniture so that you can take a picture of it, and of course if things don’t go to plan we’ll have this furnished room that will feel quite eerie and only remind us of what might have been, but we’re thinking positively and going with the thought that panel will say yes. We can’t do everything in the last minute! That’s our excuse anyway. : )

Full steam ahead!

The last time we had to wait for news from Boy H’s local authority they got in touch first thing in the morning to say yes. Because of this, we were expecting to get an early response from them (via Miranda). By 2 pm we still hadn’t heard anything, so we were feeling really down and almost convinced ourselves that they’d decided not to go ahead with us after all. We rang Miranda at 2.15 and she said she’d been waiting for their call and heard nothing, but given the time of day she was happy to contact them. She called back 5 minutes later to say that the foster carer and the social workers had had a really positive impression of this second visit and all is going ahead. We were so relieved that we had a little cry after we put the phone down.

Miranda has told us to start preparing photographs for an introduction book and that will include a picture of his room, so we need to get some furniture. The next steps are for Boy H’s social worker to write a placement plan and an adoption support plan, which Miranda will then complete and we will be asked to comment on. After that there will be a planning meeting mid-February, when all the social workers, the foster carers and we will get together and plan the introductions. If all goes to plan we would go to panel in early March and hopefully begin introductions after Easter!

We are over the moon. I can’t find words to describe the feeling (always a little tempered by the fact that we still have the last hurdle of panel looming). All the months of decisions, preparation, approval, and waiting seem completely worth it to get to where we are. We are ecstatic, and we can’t wait for all these things to happen so we can meet him soon. We’ve had phone calls and texts from lots of friends and family all afternoon and are quite overwhelmed by their support and how happy everyone is for us.

Foster carer visit

The day started horribly. A man from our electricity company came to change our meter and set off the house alarm at 8.10 am. No matter what we did, it just kept going off for about half an hour. I had to go to apologise to our neighbours later! Then a piece from the curtain pulling system fell off in the kitchen, and half an hour later one of the kitchen cupboard doors came unhinged. Glen was fed up with just about everything by about 11 am, and I was getting more and more nervous as the morning went by. Eventually we calmed down, re-read our questions for the foster carer, and got ready.

Miranda was supposed to come half an hour before the other social workers and the foster carer, but she was delayed and ended up arriving 15 minutes after they did. We were only expecting Boy H’s social worker and his foster carer, but his family finder also turned up. I’m not sure what I expected the foster carer to be like, but she was very warm, very friendly, and very funny! She had us laughing within 5 minutes of walking through the door. We talked about Boy H, and she answered all our questions. She also gave us some pictures that she took this morning. The social workers frowned at this, and said that we’d need to return them if the match doesn’t go ahead. Everything she said about Boy H and how far he’s come since he went into foster care was really encouraging. She gave us really good advice about what to expect and how to deal with his behaviour. We were on our own with her for a few minutes when we showed her around the house and she took the opportunity to give us her phone number in case we come up with any questions. She also told us that she thinks we will make good parents for him. We were really moved and came downstairs to rejoin the social workers really encouraged.

They left shortly after that and will get in touch with Miranda shortly (hopefully by tomorrow) to let us know if they want to go further with us. Before they left, I asked about the fact that H had appeared in the childspotting publication again, and they replied that any enquiries they get will be shelved and enquirers will be told that the child is being matched.

Once they had gone, Miranda told us that she thought the visit had gone well and gave us the provisional dates for the planning meeting, panel, and introductions that they’ve pencilled in. We are really pleased and really beginning to believe this may be it, but we’ll wait until tomorrow before we get too carried away.

Visit preparation

We’ve been preparing questions for Boy H’s social worker and foster carer visit tomorrow. Originally we had a list of questions that ran for pages and pages, adapted from questions people have posted on Adoption UK and from questions that other prospective adopters have shared with us. In the end we’ve decided to leave most of those questions for introductions (should we get to that stage), when there should be plenty of time to chat and find some of the answers for ourselves.

So these are the questions we’re planning to ask tomorrow.

- What’s his weekday routine?
- What’s his weekend rountine?
- What does he like to do? Play games? Watch TV? Read books? Cooking? Crafts?
- Sleeping habits: wake up time? Naps? Bedtime?
- Food: allergies, favourite food, disliked foods, portions, times
- Likes and dislikes: e.g. music and noise, animals, clothing, outdoors vs. indoors play
- Favourite toys
- Speech and understanding
- Relationships with other children (other children in placement/school)
- School
- Any photos/mementos/memory box or book FC might have made so far
- Has he been taken on any special trips by birth family or foster carers?
- Any particular triggers of memories of siblings, parents, “old life”?
- General health eg. colds, digestion. Any operations? Any hereditary conditions in the birth parents?
- What has he been told about us? Has someone talked about the possibility of having two dads? Has he had books such as “And Tango Makes Three”?

I expect we’ll come up with new ones as we go along and we’ll skip some others. We’re mostly looking forward to hearing lots about him directly from the foster carer, who’s known him for quite a while now, although of course we realise we’re going to be asked questions as well and we need to make sure they will still want to proceed with us! Only a few hours to go...

Keep your hands off!

When they came to see us, Boy H’s social worker and family finder warned us that he would appear in one of the well-known childspotting services again. They’d already arranged for this to happen before they came to see us and they also want to get more expressions of interest in him should our potential match not go ahead as planned. For the last couple of months he’s not been on the magazine or website where we originally found him, but yesterday I did an online search and he’s appeared again. I mentioned it to Glen and our hearts shrank a little. We knew this would happen, but despite all our best intentions not to get carried away in our hopes that one day Boy H will be our son, it still was really hard to see him “advertised”. I hadn’t realised just how attached we’ve got to him already. I just really wanted the website to crash, or the magazine to have some sort of printing error when it comes out in the next few days. I don’t want anyone else to see him and enquire about him. What if a “perfect couple” express an interest? Would his social workers consider them and make us wait until they’ve made a decision? Maybe drop us for someone else? It’s not a nice feeling. We now feel that we must make double sure that everything goes as smoothly and as fast as possible to avoid the chance of someone else taking him away. We can’t wait until Thursday, when his social worker and his foster carer will visit. Fingers crossed...

Back from a short break

We decided to book ourselves on a last-minute city break and spent the last 5 days freezing our pants off in Denmark. Glen likes Scandinavian countries and we’d never been, so we figured this was a good time to go (good as in before we have a child placed with us - hopefully – not that we think January is a particularly good time to go to a cold country).

We managed to switch off from work, jobs around the house that still need doing, paperwork... it was great. We had a chance to be just us, by ourselves, and also to talk. We both feel that we really want to proceed and really hope the match with Boy H goes ahead. We’re as sure as one can be that you want to take on a child that you’ve never met!

It was quite weird not to know if that was our last holiday without kids for years to come, though... mind you, if we have a child placed we'll never be able to afford short city breaks ever again, so it doesn't really matter, I guess.

Age

I realise that I haven’t actually said much about Boy H. Of course, this is a public blog and I will never reveal his real name, where he’s from, or show his picture (in the same way that I’ve never revealed where we live, what local authority is dealing with our process, or the real name of our social worker), but I suppose I can reveal that he’s 6 years old.

When we first started this process, I was keener on a younger child and Glen one an older child. My reasons were mostly the impression that a younger child would be more malleable and less likely to have been affected by whatever trauma had forced them to go into care, and the fact that I want them to learn Spanish (and with a child, the earlier the better). Glen on the other hand was less attracted to the idea of a younger child and thought an older child would be more understanding of his/her own circumstances and easier to communicate and do attachment work with.

Our preparation groups and the books we’ve read on attachment soon dispelled the myth that a younger child is less traumatised by their loss of the birth family. Speaking to our social worker and looking at the childspotting publications, it soon became obvious that first of all there aren’t that many children under two who are up for adoption (given the time it takes for a child to be reported to social services and then processed by the system, it makes sense). Those who are in care and are healthy are snapped up by the prospective adopters in their local authority. Considering that gay couples tend not to be exactly at the top of the wish list for family finders, our chances of a younger child were even smaller. The other thing we noticed in the childspotting magazines is that the younger children that tend to appear have more severe mental or physical conditions, or have had more traumatic experiences than many of the older children that are featured. Older children also are aware of why they had to be adopted. Many of them remember the abuse or neglect they suffered, or the circumstances that led to being taken into care. Whilst some may think that this is hardly positive, it does mean that it’s easier for them to understand why they cannot live with their birth parents. They can also understand that they are safer in their new environment.

As for learning Spanish... well, I did have to compromise on that one. I hope that meeting his Spanish cousins, aunt, uncle and grandparents will encourage a child we’re eventually matched with to want to learn the language. I will certainly promote it and hope that he will.

OMG!

Yesterday we kept going from “Let’s keep calm” to “We’re going to be daddies!” and back. Today we’re more “Oh My God! Are these people insane? They are going to trust US with that boy? What if we’re terrible?” I guess it’s the nerves of accepting that what was always a hope and a dream may actually turn into reality. We do actually believe that we are as prepared as one can be in these situations and we do firmly believe that we can provide a good home for Boy H, help him recover from the past trauma in his life, and create a family.

We’re being quite good as well at not going to the shops and buying every piece of furniture his room will need or going into every local school to request a place for him. Miranda told us there’ll be time for that if it gets to that stage. We have done some research online for schools, and I suppose we could have a look at beds etc. just to get an idea of models and prices...

Yes!

Miranda rang this morning to let us know that Boy H’s social worker and family finder have been in touch and yes, they want to go ahead with us. Apparently they were very pleased that we’d also said yes. They’ve arranged another visit in a couple of weeks’ time. This time it will be just the social worker (not the family finder) and she will come with the foster carer, who will be able to give us lots of first-hand information about H and answer our questions (we have so many!).

We are so happy. We tried to keep our feet on the ground this morning but we’re just so excited and pleased. We realise this could still go wrong, the foster carer may not like us, or the matching panel may go against us, but right now it feels right and we’re allowing ourselves to believe that we may be daddies soon. And it’s a great feeling.

: )

The visit

The first thing I thought about this morning when I woke up was that today our lives could change forever. It’s a weird feeling and a difficult one to manage when you’re trying not to get your hopes up. We spent the morning reading the profile again and going over our questions once more. I also decided to polish and hoover some more, but this was more out of trying to find something to do rather than because the house needed it.

We managed to get to lunchtime without getting too nervous and at 1.30 our social worker came. We chatted about nothing in particular and then Boy H’s family finder and social worker arrived. His social worker is quite young, which we think is a good thing. We provided drinks and biscuits and they started by giving us an update on Boy H and how he had moved on since the last report. They then announced that they’re no longer considering the other family they were going to visit (good!) but that he will feature in one of the family finding magazines next month (not so good). They allowed us to ask the questions we had prepared and also showed us some more recent pictures. They then asked us to clarify some questions they had from reading our PAR and explained what happens next (I’ll explain below). They had a quick look at the house, which they seemed to like. The social worker did ask if the house was always this tidy and I had to admit to a bit of over-cleaning! They left after that and promised to be in touch soon. Miranda stayed for a few minutes after they left and she felt the meeting had gone really well. She sounded very positive about it. She asked us whether we wanted some time to give her our answer, but we were both very happy for her to let them know that yes, we are still interested.

So what happens next? They will get in touch with Miranda on Thursday and ask her whether we’re still willing to go ahead (we are) and they will let her know whether they want to progress any further with us. Should they wish to continue with us, then they would arrange a second visit with Boy H’s foster carer. They really trust her opinion, so the decision is likely to be based on what she thinks of us. If that goes well then they would ask us to go and visit his school and attend a planning meeting to decide introductions arrangements and then they and Miranda would complete a matching report for us to go to panel possibly as early as March, with the idea being that Boy H would move in April!

This is very hard to get our heads around. On the one hand it’s very encouraging and if it does indeed go as planned then we’d be looking at a very quick process, which would be great. On the other hand, there are a lot of “ifs” involved and we mustn’t get carried away. So we’re left in a bit of a limbo, not knowing whether to be excited or not. In any case it’s been a positive experience and like I say, we are very pleased with the way the visit went. Roll on Thursday!

Visit tomorrow!

Miranda rang earlier to say that she had been to the same city where Boy H’s social workers are from today and the roads were OK. She also hasn’t heard anything from them to indicate that they think there’ll be any problem with the snow, so we’re hoping that the visit will go ahead tomorrow as planned.

We’ve had lots of advice from people who’ve been through this before (thanks everyone!). We’ve caught up with our notes on the PAR and other documentation, brushed up on all the adoption key words, cleaned the house, rearranged the furniture, hidden our knife block (apparently they’re a no-no and it will have to go if we’re matched), and we really can’t think of what else needs doing. I think all we can hope for is not to get too nervous and do our best to be ourselves and answer all their questions. Fingers crossed!

Gay marriage and adoption news roundup

With all that’s been happening with our adoption process I’ve neglected telling you about gay adoption news around the world:

Last September, Uruguay became the first Latin American country to allow gay marriage and adoption (link to the story here). Just before Christmas Mexico DF approved gay marriage and adoption among fierce opposition from the usual suspects (church and conservative party). It should be noted that this is not a country-wide policy, it just applies to the capital. No news on adoption though (link to the story here).

In Argentina, the gay couple who managed to get permission to get married back in early December had it revoked in the last minute. However, Fabiana Ríos, the governor of Ushuaia (in the south of the country) authorised their wedding and they finally married there at the end of the month. Many congratulations to Alejandro and José María! (link to the story here)

In Portugal, the catholic church has organised a huge petition and gathered over 90,000 signatures to put the gay marriage law to a country-wide referendum. The law, which expressly forbids adoption by gay people, was approved last December by the council of ministers and was debated in parliament this week. It will go back for a final vote shortly and hopefully be approved by April, before the Pope visits Portugal in May (link to the story here).

Visit preparation

Miranda didn’t come yesterday after all and we rescheduled for this morning. We were worried that she might not be able to make it again because of the snow, but she did. We spent the morning going through the questions that we had prepared, some of which she didn’t think were appropriate, and discussing what we could expect to be asked and how best to answer. We thought she might be quite cautious, as she always is, but she seemed quite positive. We think she genuinely believes we have an equal chance with the other couple they’ll be visiting, so that’s as good as we can hope for, I guess. We have no idea of when they’ll be visiting the other couple, so we don’t know when we’ll be likely to get an answer after our visit. We just hope that by Tuesday the snow won’t be a problem any more and the social workers will be able to make it to our house!

Epiphany, questions, chances

It’s Epiphany today, which in Spain is traditionally when the three wise men leave presents for the kids (as opposed to Santa on the 25th). You’re supposed to leave a shoe (not a stocking) out and you’ll find a present in the morning. Glen and I always exchange presents at Christmas (well, shortly after, when I get back from Spain) but we still leave a shoe out on January 5th and find a little gift on the 6th. Maybe next year there’ll be an extra little shoe to join ours?

We spent a couple of hours yesterday re-reading Boy H’s Child Permanence Report and came up with a whole list of clarifications and updates that we’d like to have from the social workers when they come to see us next week. We also worked a bit on trying to come up with answers to the questions that we think they will ask us, including stuff about Glen’s family, why we’ve chosen Boy H and the difficult question of the last name. Glen and I kept our names when we got married, and we need to decide what last name the boy would have if we’re successful in being matched with him. We’ve been playing with the possible combinations, but, perhaps unsurprisingly, we both like our own last name better...

I also looked at the online publication where we first saw Boy H and noticed that he’s not featured any more. He didn’t appear in the latest print issue either, but he had remained online and Miranda said that his family finders were planning to advertise for him again (which hasn’t happened). Does this mean that they’re positive about finding a match for him? In that case, if the information we’ve received about them interviewing just one other couple is correct, we have a 50/50 chance! Glen is refusing to get excited and is preparing for bad news. They way I’m choosing to see this is that at least we’ve got as far as a visit. Let’s see how much further we can make it.

Miranda should be coming today to help us prepare for next week’s visit, but with all the snow she may not be able to. We’ll get in touch with her later. Maybe she can come later in the week or we can do something by email or on the phone.

Family day in court for our fellow adopters

Yesterday we went to the family day in court for R&A and their adopted daughter. Basically, having completed all the paperwork and received the birth certificate, you go to court, the judge signs a certificate and the adoption is considered final. The judge was quite sweet and gave their daughter a little teddy bear to mark the day. It’s quite amazing that R&A started the process at the same time as we did (we met them at preparation groups) and have now finished the process. It proves that each case is individual and there’s no specific time frame. I don’t think the fact that they are a straight couple has much to do with how (relatively) little time it has taken them. They were matched exceptionally quickly. We know other straight couples who are still waiting, as are we...

Happy new year

We spent a nice new year at a friends’ house. On the 31st we told a few friends and family about the fact that we’re being visited. The following day I regretted it as if we’re not successful we’ll have to tell them that as well. It’s a very difficult line to cross between not getting carried away and not feeling like you’re hiding things from the people you’re close to.

Today’s the last day of the holidays and of course most of the things we intended to do during the time off haven’t got done. Yesterday, in a bit of a panic about getting a visit, I decided to finish painting one of our living room walls, which I’d started before Christmas and hadn’t had a chance to finish. I wouldn’t want the social workers to sit in a room that’s half painted! I can tell that in the run up to this visit the house is going to get cleaned until it sparkles. In a way it’s like we’re selling the house! Ok, we’re not selling it, but we’re trying to convince someone that this is the perfect house for Boy H. I do realise that they are more interested in us and what we have to offer, and we will be doing our homework re-reading Boy H’s Child Permanence Report, our own PAR, preparing questions and answers for the visit, etc as well.

Since we had the visit confirmed it’s been hard to get it off our minds. Glen and I will be talking about something completely different, or watching TV or whatever and then one of us will suddenly ask the other about the visit: “what will we ask?”, “Shall we volunteer information about this or that?” and stuff like that. I don’t think I’ll be able to concentrate much at work for the next two weeks...

Talking of questions and volunteering information, one piece of information I wanted to make sure we mention to the social workers is that we’re monogamous. I know that some people think of gay men as promiscuous even if they are in a long term relationship, and I want to let them know that we’re not. I have nothing against people who are in open relationships or whatever (each to their own), but we aren’t, and I want to clarify that to the social workers. I mentioned this last night to two of our gay friends who have adopted, and they and Glen think that if we volunteer this information it will come across like we’re indeed promiscuous but feel like we should say otherwise. I think they have a point. We may ask Miranda what she thinks. I just don’t want to be judged on some prejudice that they may have and not address it. But if I address it I may be opening a can of worms. Do straight couples worry about this? Do other gay couples?

Anyhow, enough for today. I hope everyone has a very happy new year and to all those who are in the adoption process I wish you the best of luck. Here’s hoping for a perfect 10!

Visit arranged

I am back in the UK now after a week in Spain. Yesterday I was going to sit down to write a moaning post about the fact that Miranda hadn’t contacted us at all even though she said on the 21st that she’d ring us the following day and how we weren’t expecting to hear from her until the new year, but I never got round to it.

I’s just as well I didn’t as I’d have had to swallow my words. She rang us to say that Boy H’s social worker and family finder are definitely coming to visit us in two weeks’ time. Miranda will come next week to help us prepare for the visit. In the meantime we will re-read his CPR to think of questions we may want to ask the social workers. Apparently they have an updated profile and some information from his school as well, so we will get that when they visit. Miranda has asked us to look into whether the local schools have any places and also what post adoption support services are available in our area.

With this news we spent the morning and afternoon looking up information about local schools online (they are all closed until Monday 4th January, so we can’t get any prospectuses or contact them about places until then), and also about post-adoption support in our local authority. We managed to get the name and contact details of the post-adoption specialist at the local CAMHS (Children and Adolescent Mental Health Services) as well.

Miranda said that the social workers sounded positive, and we are very happy with the news, but desperately trying not to get too excited. We know they are visiting another couple, and they may well choose them over us. Still, it’s excellent news and a very positive end to the year. : )

Merry Christmas

Ah, the Christmas blog post. Two years ago I hoped that by last year we’d have been approved and maybe matched (we weren’t). Last year I assumed we’d have been approved in February (in the end it took another two months) and hopefully matched by the end of the year (you know how that’s turned out). So this year I really don’t want to get my hopes up again, but at the same time this Christmas is different because we’re not wondering about an abstract child: we’re hoping to be matched with boy H and I can’t help myself from wondering what he’s doing today and hoping that next year he’ll be with us. It’s not healthy, I know. Just let me have my moment and normal service will resume soon.

Happy Christmas.

Back in Spain

Despite the weather and flight cancellations everywhere I managed to get to Spain last Tuesday, so I’ve spent the last couple of days surrounded by excited children (my nephew and 4 nieces – ages ranging from 5 to 9). The kids and I put the decorations up today along with the tree and the nativity and so far everything’s still standing / in place. Glen’s stayed in the UK and is visiting his family. Whenever we tell people than in the 13 years we’ve been together we’ve never spent Christmas together they think it’s a little strange. But we both like going to our respective houses and it’s not like we could easily go from one to the other Spain / UK between Christmas eve and Christmas day! Should we ever adopt, it’ll have to change, of course.

We haven’t heard from Miranda at all, so we’re not expecting to receive any news regarding an interview until January now. Perhaps the new year will bring a change!

Still we wait...

We had a message from Miranda on the answering machine when we got back from work today. She’s been trying to get hold of the family finder for Boy H but had no luck. She says she’ll call us tomorrow so hopefully she may have some news then.

Portugal approves gay marriage but forbids gay adoption

On Thursday the Portuguese government approved the gay marriage bill. It has yet to be passed by parliament, but it should happen in January (given that the socialist government has the majority) and the law would then come into effect in April. As usual, the church and the conservatives are up in arms and demanding a referendum.

The law, however, forbids gay adoption. Local gay rights organisations have complained as, so far, the previous law didn’t make a reference to sexual orientation (thus making it possible for single adopters to adopt without declaring their sexuality).

So it looks like Portugal takes one step forward and one backwards in gay rights. Full information (in Spanish) here.

Adoption order for our fellow adopters!

R&A, one of the couples we met at our preparation group back in April 2008 and who were matched on the same day that we were approved in April this year, have had the adoption order for their child granted. This means that the child is now theirs forever and they needn’t have any further involvement from the social workers. They are very happy and we are really happy for them. We’ve been invited to their court day and are looking forward to it.

Who knows? Maybe one day that will be us too. I know I look forward not only to the day we have a child or children, but also to the day we don’t have to deal with social workers any more!

New Family Social Christmas get-together

We went to the New Family Social Christmas get-together yesterday and had a great time. There were around 40 adopters (with quite a few of their children) and prospective adopters. Everyone was really relaxed and exchanging advice, stories, support... as well as eating some lovely food. We caught up with quite a few people we hadn’t seen in a while, some that we had seen not that long ago, and met some new prospective adopters. It’s quite funny that the first time we went we were completely new to it and now we’re in a position where we meet people who are new and we can share some of our experience with. I was thinking earlier that going to these NFS get-togethers for the first time is a bit like going to a gay pub for the first time: you think you’re the only one until you go in and find that there are a whole load of people like you – only much more welcoming!

Things look better again

Yesterday we were both so down about Boy H that we emailed his family finder directly and asked her to visit us so they can base their judgement of our suitability on meeting us face-to-face rather than on our PAR. We had no reply, so we assumed that it wasn’t good news.

Today I emailed Miranda to let her know I’d written to the family finder (since I’d forgotten to copy her on the email yesterday). She was supposed to get back to us today with news about whether Boy H’s social worker and family finder have decided to visit us or not, but by 3.30 she hadn’t so once again we assumed the worst. Then I had an email from the family finder: we are still in the running! She said that there must have been some sort of misunderstanding because they’d told Miranda that there were many strengths in our profile! They are visiting the other couple, but they will come and visit us as well. No date yet, but we’re over the moon. After the experience of the last couple of days Glen is now trying not to get his hopes up again, but I’m excited that what looked like a “no” has turned to “maybe”. And at the very least we’ll be able to meet them and present ourselves directly and not through a report that we didn’t write.

The family finder’s email mentioned that Miranda had said we had been looking at another boy’s PAR - which is not true - and this is why they’d put us aside. This may have been either yet another misunderstanding, or Miranda has been misleading them. Why she would want to say that, I don’t know.

Miranda actually rang later and was clearly angry with us for having been in contact directly with the family finder. She said we appeared desperate and needed to be patient as we’re still a long way away from being matched. I pointed out the mention of another child’s PAR that the family finder had made and she replied that all she’d said to them was that we were looking at another child (at the time we were considering Boy J) and she’d said nothing of us reading another PAR. We have no reason to believe one social worker or the other, so for now we’ll go with the explanation that it’s all been a misunderstanding.

Miranda claimed that because of my email now the family finder hadn’t got back to her with dates as promised (which we think is a strange thing to say – it appears that the boy’s social worker is on leave at the moment which would explain why the family finder can’t come back with dates). I managed to pacify Miranda and she said she would call the family finder and try to get dates, so she would either call us back or be in touch on the 21st when she’s back from her own annual leave. She never called us back so we’ll have to wait 10 days to hear of possible dates for the visit.

So although we’ve been all over the place today, the final outcome is that we started this morning fearing that we wouldn’t get a visit after all and we’re finishing it knowing that they do want to visit us. And that’s good enough for the next 10 days while we wait for further news.

All is not lost, but it’s not looking good

I emailed Miranda last Sunday asking if there were any news from Boy H’s social worker and family finder as it’s been nearly three weeks since they said they would be interested in visiting us and nothing’s been arranged. Miranda tried to get in touch and finally managed to speak to them today. She called Glen this afternoon and it turns out that they are not sure now if they will be visiting us at all. Apparently there is another couple who have expressed an interest, so his social worker is keen to visit them. They have also decided that they are going feature him one more time in the childspotting publication where we first saw him, so clearly they don’t think we’re the family for him. Apparently after they got our full prospective adopters’ report they were concerned about Glen’s relationship with his dad and brother. For anyone who doesn’t remember / hasn’t followed from the beginning of our adoption process, this was an issue that Miranda thought might make it difficult for us to get approved, as Glen’s brother and father have a big problem with his sexuality and he doesn’t have much to do with them (I’ve never met them).

The social workers have now confirmed that they will not be visiting this side of Christmas. Miranda has suggested some dates at the beginning of January and they will be letting her know at the end of the week whether they want to come at all. Glen says that Miranda’s tone implied that she thought this was a gentle way to let us down and by the end of the week it will be a “no”, but I’ve not given up hope yet and will try to keep my hopes up until then.

We’re both unsure about how to feel. We are very disappointed but since it’s not a “no” it may be that all this is is a few weeks’ delay. Glen is feeling quite down as he feels that it’s because of his family that they’re no longer so keen on us, but at the end of the day it’s not his fault at all. A complete comedown though as, hard as we’d tried not to, we had really got our hopes up.

200 posts and over 5000 visits

This is my 200th post since I started this blog in spring 2008. By some standards I guess I’m quite prolific, although nothing like the people who update their blogs several times a day. In that time this blog has had over 5000 visits, which I guess is quite good. I don’t really mind how many people read it in a way as long as it’s of some help to those who do. It may be to share a common idea, to prepare some people for what’s to come, to remind others of what they went through, or to inspire some to believe that they can adopt if they are gay. I’ll keep on writing and I hope people keep on reading!

Childspotting fair

Apologies: I said in my last post that I would write about the Adoption Register Exchange day on Wednesday but it’s taken me until today to find the time.

We turned up at the venue with plenty of time and re-read the instructions we’d been sent. We registered, had a quick briefing about what to expect, and went in to find a large room with 40 stalls displaying children’s and adopters’ profiles. The impression was that of a trade fair, which seemed horribly wrong but utterly practical. We approached the first stall unsure of what we were expected to do, but we soon got into it as we had more or less the same exchange at each stall. It went like this:

- Hello
- Hi, what are you approved for?
- One or two children, 0 to 7th birthday.
- Have you got a preference for boys or girls?
- Not really, although we have been told that we’re more likely to be approved for boys.
- OK, let’s see what we have here...

At this point they would look at their profiles and pull out the ones that matched our ethnicities and the details we had just given. Then they would talk to us about them and we’d pick up those profiles that we felt might be a good match.

A few of the agencies asked for our profile and we gave it to them. We intended to be there for about an hour but ended up staying for two. We left with nine profiles for both single children and sibling groups. Of these, once we looked at them again, we have rejected three. The other six we’re going to keep aside until we have heard about the visit from the social workers for Boy H.

It was a very overwhelming and emotionally draining day. We saw a couple of familiar faces and it was nice to chat to them for a few minutes and take our minds off where we were even if only for a moment. I really don’t think I’d like to go back to another event like that. It just seemed so wrong to be dealing with children as if they were something for sale in a car boot sale.

On the positive side, no-one seemed to bat an eyelid about us being a gay couple. We spotted at least one other male and one female couple. And no-one mentioned it being a problem except a couple of profiles that specifically referred to looking for a male/female couple to adopt, and one social worker who told us a child in particular needed a female carer.

Good news for our friends and uncertainty for us

Our friends G&S, whom we have known from before we stated our respective adoption processes, have had good news at last. It looks like the judge has decided that the children they were going to go to panel for back in the summer, who were then “withdrawn” from family finding while the judge decided whether the birth family deserved another chance, will be freed for adoption after all. It may sound bad to say that we’re pleased that the siblings won’t be reunited with their birth family, but there are very good reasons for it and G&S can offer them a wonderful family. They’re looking at panel in the new year and I really hope it works out for them.

Glen spoke to Miranda today to confirm that we want to go ahead with a visit from Boy H’s social workers. Apparently his family finder is on holiday this week and Miranda is on holiday the week after next so either it happens next week or it will most likely happen after Christmas – unless we’re very lucky and they manage to fit the visit in the week in between.

Tomorrow we’re going to an Adoption Register exchange day. We were planning to go with G&S, but for the reasons above they won’t be coming now. The exchange days are basically a meeting point for children’s representatives and prospective adopters: several agencies and local authorities come together in a room with information about the children they are family finding for. I’m really not looking forward to it for a number of reasons. For starters we’re very keen on the link with Boy H and we don’t really want to look for other children, even though Miranda tells us that we must keep looking and to have something in the pipeline should the link with Boy H fall through. Another reason is that I keep expecting this exchange day to be like a used car forecourt. “Take this child and get a free sibling!”, “Damaged children clearance!” Seriously, the thought of going from stall to stall looking at children’s profiles as if they were goods for sale and then having to sell ourselves as a potential match is not exactly making me keen to go. Still, go we shall. I’ll report tomorrow.

Argentina’s (and Latin America’s) first gay wedding

I saw this on the Spanish press today and then found that the Guardian had published the story yesterday. It’s a complete media circus in Argentina.

For the full story click here.

I guess gay adoption is not likely to happen any time soon... those of us who can should never forget how lucky we are to live in places where gay adoption is possible.

Updated information

I spoke to Miranda yesterday. She said she understood why we had turned down Boy J. She told me that she’d received an update from Boy H’s social worker and foster carer and she’d put it in the post for us. We received it this morning and after reading the updated information we’re still very keen to proceed. Miranda is working on preparation groups for their new intake of prospective adopters for the rest of the week and she told me to get in touch next Tuesday to let her know if we want to proceed with a visit from his social workers. She wasn’t sure if the visit will take place before or after Christmas as it will depend on how busy everyone is and their schedules. I know Christmas is only a month away but now that we’re geared up and things seem to be progressing we just want to get on with it! Still, we’re very happy with the way things are going so we’ll just have to be patient for a bit longer.

Decision

We spent last Saturday with some friends we hadn’t seen in a while. Their children (7 and 4) were great with us and although they are normally drawn to me and ask me to play with them, this time they were keener on playing with Glen. I was really pleased about this as Glen always thinks that he’s no good with children so it’s good for him to realise how much children like him. On Sunday we caught up with S&J, whom we met at a New Family Social get-together last winter, and their son. We chatted a bit about the latest developments and they agreed that the decision we have taken regarding the “boy J” (with the horrific circumstances) is the right one.

It took us 5 days of thinking long and hard about it, but we have decided not to express an interest in this boy. We really feel that we’d be forever worried about how to reply to questions about his background, and how he would feel later in life about his identity and family history. We don't feel we're qualified or experienced enough for the kind of support that this boy will need, as much as we would love to. I cannot give details but we haven’t taken this decision lightly and it’s been a very hard choice to make. Now we want to put the whole thing behind us and concentrate on Boy H.

One step closer!

We had an email from Miranda: the social worker for the boy we had enquired about and whose CPR we received on Wednesday will send her updated information. His CPR was over a year old, so a lot may have changed since. Also, after reading our PAR they want to visit us! We’re very excited but trying to keep calm. At the very least it’s one step closer. Miranda hasn’t mentioned dates at all, so we’re not sure if this will happen soon.

We have been thinking a lot about the boy with the horrific circumstances. I wrote to Miranda to ask her (assuming he was placed with us):

- Would our local authority provide some support for us past the adoption?
- Would they provide counselling for the child throughout his life? (his circumstances are likely to be something he will need to revisit in different ways at different times in his life)
- Has our local authority ever placed a child with a similar background with other adopters? Would it be possible to get in touch with them?
- Do they know of any research, case studies, or publications that deal with adoption in similar cases and the effect on the teenager/adult?

It somewhat hard to balance the positive news while dealing with the other child. To add to the mix, we have asked Miranda to enquire about another child that appeared in one of the magazines. We are very keen on the one we’ve made progress with, but she has stressed to us that we shouldn’t put all our eggs in one basket and to keep looking and enquiring.

Just to recap on our enquiries so far:

- Boys A and B (siblings): Miranda found them for us but never heard back from their social worker after she enquired. She’s assuming that link is ended.

- Boys C and D (siblings): we saw them in a magazine and asked Miranda to enquire on our behalf. Never heard back from their social worker after she enquired. She’s assuming that link is ended.

- Boy E: Miranda sent us his profile but we felt he had too many health and mental issues for us to cope with.

- Boys F and G (siblings): we found their profile online and made an enquiry but never heard back.

- Boy H: we found his profile online and made an enquiry directly. We both felt a connection to him straight away, especially Glen. He is the one whose social workers want to visit us.

- Boy I: we found his profile online and made an enquiry directly. We felt he was quite a good ethnic match. His social worker sent us a fuller profile and we felt that there were too many health and mental uncertainties.

- Boy J: Miranda has asked us to consider his horrific family history before giving us any further details. We are still trying to find out more before making a decision.

- Boy K: We found him on one of the magazines. Have just asked Miranda to enquire on our behalf.

To be honest we’re only enquiring about boy K because we feel that we mustn’t get carried away and we don’t want to be left with no options or anything to look forward to if Boy H turns out not to be the one for us. In fact their profiles are quite similar!

A lot to think about

Miranda came to see us yesterday. She gave us a copy of the Child Permanence Report (CPR) for the boy we’ve been enquiring about, which is over a year out of date. Then she mentioned the mysterious child she wouldn’t talk about on the phone. The reason she wouldn’t talk about him on the phone is that he has a horrific family history. In fact, she didn’t really talk about the child. She just explained his circumstances to see whether we think we could cope with them, and only if we think we are prepared then she will give us more details about the child. All she would say about the child was that he is a boy and he’s under two.

After she left Glen and I were a bit numb trying to process this information. We talked about it afterwards, but will need more time to make a decision.

In the meantime we read the CPR for the other boy, which is not happy reading but at least doesn’t come with any shocking surprises. It was pretty much what we were expecting as far as his family history goes. This is actually the first full CPR we have had, so it’s a bit of a milestone. Miranda said his family finder was interested in us and that she’d liked the things I asked and said when we spoke on the phone. It was very strange trying to concentrate on this boy and the progress we’re making with him and at the same time still have the circumstances for the other boy in our heads, so we may have to read it again with clear heads after we’ve made a decision about the boy with the horrific story. I’m sorry I can’t be more specific, but all I will say it’s more than we ever thought we would need to consider or have ever read about in any of the books, magazines or websites.

Lesbians make better parents

The Telegraph ran this article on Sunday. According to a senior member of the Government's parenting academy, children brought up by lesbians do better than children brought up by heterosexual parents and are no more likely to be gay.

Link to the Telegraph article.

And Wales Online ran a nice feature last week to coincide with Adoption Week on a gay couple who have successfully adopted. Thanks to OJ at NFS for the link to the story.

Link to the Wales Online article.

We’re looking forward to tomorrow’s visit. We’re very intrigued by whatever news Miranda’s bringing!

Modern Family

I’ve been meaning to write about this show for ages and then keep forgetting. It’s on ABC in the US and on SKY 1 here in the UK (Thursday evenings) and it’s the funniest thing we’ve seen in ages. The show is a mockumentary about three families (who are all related). One of the families that the show centres on is Mitchell and Cameron, a gay couple who have just adopted a little Vietnamese girl. Although they are to a certain extent stereotypical (as is every other member of the other families: the stroppy teenager etc...) the actors, writers and directors clearly care about these characters. The gay adoption issue is a bit of a non-issue in the storylines in fact, and it’s for that reason that I think the programme should be applauded. Without being political, it presents a gay couple who have adopted as a normal thing (within the realm of sitcom families). It therefore gives visibility and a sense of normality to the issue of gay adoption without being preachy. And of course it’s incredibly funny, which helps a lot. It you have a US iTunes account (you can Google how to get one) the first episode is free to download from US iTunes. Otherwise you can buy it in UK iTunes or watch it online on SKY 1.

Lesbian adopters on This Morning

With everything that’s been going on, I forgot to mention that it’s adoption week! There was a very nice piece about a lesbian couple on This Morning which you can watch here. Amy and Angela did a great job. They said on the interview that they wanted to make a difference and I’m sure they will.